TMI: I need some advice, P@rn addiction TMI

This is very much TMI. I'm so sorry.

I have been a pea for 10+ years. I am so beyond humiliated and embarrassed. But I am desperate to get a different point of view. I apologize in advance for the long post and desperation.

I'll start by saying that I've never really felt one way or the other about porn. I know it's out there, I know men look at it. I was never one to be outraged or offended by it. As I've gotten older, my views have changed. I definitely see it as something that can and does exploit and objectify women. But again, it's not something that's ever made get up in arms about.

I've known "John" for over 20 years. We've been close friends throughout that time. About 18 months ago we started a relationship. I knew that John watched porn from time to time and it never really bothered me. When our relationship began, the physical side was slow to start. Meaning it took MONTHS to get to second base. I kind of felt that part of that was because we were transitioning from being BFFs to partners. I thought slowly easing into it seemed normal.

Finally we got to the night where it was clear that we were going for home base. When the time came, John was unable to get or maintain an erection. We were both embarrassed and he told me this was the reason he had been so hesitant to make things physical. He told me that after some health problems he'd been through, his sex drive had significantly diminished and he was experiencing some ED. We talked very openly about it, and said we'd keep trying and he promised me he'd go to the doctor if things didn't get better.

Well, things didn't get better. He went to the doctor and discussed it with him. He had labs run, his testosterone was not low, and they could find no real reason for the ED. He ended up with a prescription for Cialis. I was nervous about this. We'd tried and failed several times by this point and to be honest, I had developed a serious anxiety concerning sex at all. I was so worried that I was the reason things weren't happening. I tried everything I could to fix the situation. I offered to do anything he wanted in bed, I was open and I was honest about my feelings. He repeatedly assured me that I was not the problem. He told me he loved me and that he was sorry this was happening. I believed him because he had given me no reason not to.

Two nights ago we went away for a quick overnight trip. While away things heated up and again ended in ED. As I was getting up, he said very casually to me that he didn't understand why it wasn't getting better. He told me that he hadn't masturbated in weeks or looked at porn for almost a month. I was so taken aback by this. I was shocked because he had lead me to believe that he was pretty asexual at this point. He had lead me to believe he wasn't having sexual thoughts or feelings. And when I heard this... it felt like someone had kicked me. I want to state right now that I obviously think there is nothing wrong with masturbation. I don't have a problem with that. But the way he said he hadn't watched porn in a month gave me a very bad feeling.

I was extremely upset. I asked what he meant about not watching porn in a month and he said he was trying not to watch it because he thought maybe that was causing our problem. I felt so blindsided. I couldn't wrap my head around him masturbating and watching porn when I am right here in front of him, willing to do whatever he wanted to get things going and yet he had been able to get things working with porn.

I let things calm down that night and last night I decided to confront this problem head on. I felt like he owed me some type of reasonable explanation or I could not continue in a relationship with him. I feel strongly that I should be with a man who wants to have sex with me. I deserve that loving connection you get with someone and here I've spent 18 months waiting for something that wasn't going to happen.

He admitted to having a porn addiction. He apparently feels that watching so much porn has made him less responsive to a real person.

Here I sit feeling so betrayed. How could he pick a video and self satisfaction over a woman he loves and says he wants to be with? I feel so deceived. I feel so awful about myself. I'm obviously not the person for him if I can't get him to respond in a sexual way. That tells me he doesn't like me in that way. It tells me I don't look right, act right, perform right in bed. He doesn't like me. He wants some anonymous, unobtainable women he sees on the internet instead of me.

He insists he loves me and wants to marry me. I will say that he is a kind, generous and caring person. I love him very much. But I feel like I have been horribly deceived and lied to for all this time. He's wasted 18 months of my life where I could have been single and maybe could have found someone else who wants to have a loving relationship that includes sex.

In case anyone is wondering how I missed this addiction, I work second shift and he works third shift. We are never off on the weekends together and only have one coordinating day off together per week. And while we live together, we only spend a small amount of time together every day except for the day off. So this has been easy to hide from me.

Last night I told him I was going to need some time to think this through. He told me to take as much time as I needed and that he would do anything to win back my trust.

If you have stuck with me this this far, thank you. My need for advice comes in here:

1. Do I have the right to ask him what type of porn he watches and how much? I feel like this is going to haunt me. I almost feel like he's been cheating on me, I know that sounds ridiculous. But I feel like that woman who has been scorned and needs to see the shiny new girlfriend that's replaced her.

2. Is this addiction something that I should treat as other addictions? I mean if he said he was addicted to heroin I'd immediately seek help for him. I'd probably not be as mad TBH. Because when I think about drug addiction I know that's a disease. Somehow I feel like this is very different.

3. Is my feeling betrayed, humiliated, lied to and bad about myself normal? He didn't cheat on me, but he has certainly kept a significant secret from me.

4. Should I ask for open access to his electronic devices? I'm 100% sure that if I asked to see his phone or ipad right now he'd hand them right over. But is it an invasion of his privacy if I ask that? I don't want to be THAT person, but I'm not sure what other choice I have.

Is there anything else I need to do here that I'm not seeing? Last night I told him that as of right now there would be no more porn, if I caught him with porn that would be it. If he felt the need to watch porn he needed to come and tell me and if he actually watched the porn he better be ready to not only confess it but to show me exactly what he was watching. Because I feel like I need to know WTF he's watching and WTF I've gotten myself into here.

If you have read this far, I can't thank you enough. Just typing it out has made me feel less anxious. I need to get myself into therapy ASAP and probably couples therapy if I decide to stay with him. I feel so sad and horribly angry. This is the person I wanted to marry and have a child with. How could I have been so blind and stupid? I feel so ashamed and humiliated. I feel so self-conscious about my looks, and my body and that I want to crawl into a hole and die from the shame. I feel like my whole world was turned upside down. Is this normal?