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Post by iamkristinl16 on Jan 17, 2015 22:43:49 GMT
Let me start by saying that this is part vent, part question...
My DH and I both work FT, but his days off are not consistent. He has two days off per week, but one is usually during the week and one on the weekend, or both during the week. So, we have one day off per week together at most. We have four kids, ages 11, 9, 6 and 3 as well as a house and everything that goes with it. The division of labor has always been a source of contention, but lately I have been getting more and more frustrated. I feel like I spend my entire weekend getting things caught up at home, shuttling kids, grocery shopping, etc. And it seems that his days off are spent playing video games and watching football. To be fair, he does do laundry regularly (not all of it, but he does do it while watching TV) and take the garbage out. That is about it. I have been trying to prep meals on the weekends as well so that we have healthy foods to eat during the week and last weekend that took me about 5 hours, not counting the time for grocery shopping and planning. At the end of the night, I was irritated because the house was still not clean (of course nobody did anything productive while I was doing that cooking) and DH just gave me a look like, "Well, what have you been doing all weekend?" I have brought this up before in a respectful way and he always turns things around to "what he could say that I don't do." Basically, implying that I don't do anything and the house is a mess. He has been making comments like that all week now. For example, we are going to a friends house tomorrow to watch football games. Since we will be gone most of the day, I wanted to get cleaning and cooking done today. I also thought about taking the kids to see the ice castles in the cities, but said that I didn't know if I wanted to do that because not much else would get done this weekend. He blew it off and said, "Not like you would clean anyway."
So, right now I am really irritated with him. For one thing, I don't think he recognizes what I do and how much time meal planning, prep, shopping, organizing the house, cleaning, etc takes. He thinks that taking my whole morning to go grocery shopping is "me" time. Also, the friends that he spends the most time with have wives who SAH (and they all have only two kids, not four) so I think that may make a difference in his expectations of what he should do as well.
So, I am curious how your days off compare to your DH's?
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Post by myshelly on Jan 17, 2015 23:01:25 GMT
My DH can't sit still. He always needs a job and likes to do work.
He does WAY more than I do on his days off.
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Post by gar on Jan 17, 2015 23:20:59 GMT
We only have one day a week off together too but I work p/t and our kids have left home now. He spends his day doing things that need doing that he doesn't have time for in the week (he works long hours) So Sundays are often me trying to persuade him to come out for a walk/lunch/go shopping for joint things for the home while he wants to tick things off his list of chores like business paperwork/household maintenance etc.
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Post by gar on Jan 17, 2015 23:25:41 GMT
Op, maybe you should try listing what you do, such as 10-12 - grocery shopping, etc. I was going to say try not doing this jobs but I know in reality its not feasible.
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Post by bearmom on Jan 17, 2015 23:30:27 GMT
My DH can't sit still. He always needs a job and likes to do work. He does WAY more than I do on his days off. Same here as well. I might do more of the everyday cooking and cleaning, but he does more of the home improvement projects. |
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likescarrots
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Post by likescarrots on Jan 17, 2015 23:34:41 GMT
We both sit around and watch TV. Sometimes we exercise. I usually do laundry and he usually does dishes. We go grocery shopping together. I would say the division of labor is even in the house, but we don't have any type of set routine/chore list/etc. We just do what we want to do when we feel like doing it.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Jan 17, 2015 23:37:35 GMT
My dh basically only does the dishes as the only chore inside the house. He does all the outside work, winter and summer. I do all the housecleaning and laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, etc. I don't usually cook much on the wkends though. It's always been my break. So Fridays are pizza nights, Sat we usually go out, or have leftovers, or something quick. Sundays I do a roast (chix,pork,chix, or a soup) that we can eat on thru to Monday. My motto has always been, don't sweat the housecleaning. I would rather spend time with my kids or doing other things. I don't care if my house isn't spotless.
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Post by Really Red on Jan 17, 2015 23:41:48 GMT
I'm sorry. I like the idea of listing the daily/weekly/monthly chores and dividing them. Let him choose all he wants (evenly!) and take the rest. I don't know if he'll actually do them and I know there are tons of extra chores you don't think of. I only have 3 kids, but no spouse. Kids do a goodly amount, but I am wiped out. I don't feel like I give them lots of fun times  |
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iowgirl
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Post by iowgirl on Jan 17, 2015 23:44:56 GMT
We work 7 days a week, 365 a year. DH sometimes loafs a bit on a Sunday afternoon in the winter, but most likely he just goes and works.
Cattle chores twice a day no matter what.
Seems like it just keeps getting busier around here.
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breetheflea
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Post by breetheflea on Jan 18, 2015 0:12:09 GMT
I'm a SAHM so I don't get a "day off" per se but then I get to pick when I do chores and I usually pick when DH is at work.
DH is a project guy not a chore guy. If something needs built, fixed or assembled he's all over it. If something is messy it has to be like an episode of Hoarders before he notices and does something about it. He's in charge of the trash and laundry folding. On weekends he does a lot of TV watching mixed with doing whatever house project he's working on.
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Post by papersilly on Jan 18, 2015 0:14:16 GMT
IF I have to be home, I do chores in the morning then lunch and shop on the afternoon. When DH is off, he is off. He thinks house chores ruin his day off.
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Post by bc2ca on Jan 18, 2015 0:14:33 GMT
Anyway you can arrange a weekend away for you without the family? I'm a SAHM and DH never complained again about something not getting done the first time he spent the weekend alone with the kids, and we only have two.
I don't know if your kids have chores, but the oldest three should definitely be involved in cleaning the house. When our kids were younger we would divide the chores and clean the house for an hour on Saturday morning. With everyone working together, a lot can get done pretty quickly and then we would do something fun.
Maybe write down a list of all the chores (including groceries and weekly food prep) and sit down with your DH to prioritize so that at the end of the week everything is done. I like grocery shopping, but I know others hate doing it so give the one that doesn't mind doing it the list. Food prep and planning is worth it in the end, but a lot of upfront work and maybe your DH needs to do it with you for you one week to appreciate that.
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Post by threegirls on Jan 18, 2015 0:21:30 GMT
It sucks to not be recognized for the things you do around the house. When I was working I did everything except taking care of the lawn and car maintenance. I always felt belittled in a way and was really starting to feel resentful. The only thing that fixed it for me was that my job started to require some out of town travel. What did him in was the 10 day business trip I had to take. He started to pitch in after that.
Could you talk to him again about how it makes you feel when nobody helps out around the house? Maybe you could also involve the whole family and have the kids help with cooking and clean-up.
Hugs to you. I know the feeling and it's not fun.
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TankTop
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Post by TankTop on Jan 18, 2015 0:31:23 GMT
Until recently I could have written your post. He did laundry and trash and I did everything else. I told him we were trading. He was in charge of meal planning, shopping, and cleaning now and I would do trash and laundry. He did not like that one bit. Told me I wouldn't like the way he cleaned in a threatening tone. I told him I would wash his clothes to same standard he cleaned.
Nothing got better, so I called some house keepers and got quotes. Left them on the counter where he could see them with my final choice circled and the date they could start written by it. He didn't like that either.
So, we came to the agreement that he would do all the bathroom cleaning and I would do all the rest. Well, that first weekend he moaned and groaned about 2 1/2 baths taking two hours to clean. Can you believe that? Honey, did you know it takes that long to clean bathrooms?
Uh....yes, I do know. In that time I cleaned the rest of the house and nicely pointed out that without his help I would still be cleaning.
Things have been so much better.
I also told him I was willing to do exactly half of the kid hauling. Last sport season I did it all and was not home until 8:30 4 nights a week. I wrote it on the family chalkboard so the kids know who is taking them where.
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Post by padresfan619 on Jan 18, 2015 0:44:31 GMT
We have two scheduled things every weekend. Saturday morning hikes and Sunday evening dinner at my parent's house. Other than that our weekends are free for whatever the person wants to do. My husband is a neat freak and he can't stand to go to bed when there is a mess. So our home, at least the common areas, are pretty much always picked up and neat.
Today after our hike I made lunch while he did laundry. After that he packed up to go to a bonfire and now I'm at home on the couch watching Girls on HboGo. The only thing I must do tonight is make dessert for tomorrow.
So anyway we are pretty low key. If my husband were home right now he would probably be in the garage working on his car or building something. Or he would be in his music room playing piano. We both try to have relaxing/recharging weekends. I would rather grocery shop on a week night than on a weekend.
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Post by ~summer~ on Jan 18, 2015 0:50:18 GMT
I'm sorry as I know this I not answering your question, but have you thought about getting a housekeeper once per week? For me the peace it brings in marriage is priceless....
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Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2015 1:01:04 GMT
I'd say he does at least as much as I do on days off. We don't have things assigned-he's really good about pitching in, and when he kind of spaces about stuff that needs to be done, he'll almost always do it if I ask. He's been working 6 and seven days a lot the past year, so he has been procrastinating on projects and stuff, but no way am I going to complain. It sounds like you have plenty of reason to be irritated. Quite frankly, if you're the pea I'm remembering with past DH complaints, he sounds like an ass. That "not like you would clean anyway comment?"  |
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Post by Basket1lady on Jan 18, 2015 1:03:02 GMT
I think it's time for you to hire some house cleaning help. It's not as expensive as you think, and it's cheaper than therapy or a divorce. My DH is a workaholic. But he hates doing house chores. Over New Years, I had the flu and was quarantined so that no other family members got sick. And I didn't clean the floors, kitchen, or family bathrooms for 8 days. Truly, it looked like the house had been abandoned in a hurry. DH told me he didn't mind--that I could take all the time I needed and when I was feeling better, I could clean it up.  Uh, no. Instead, we had a big family clean up, with me directing the clean up. I'm a SAHM and plan to go back to work in a year or two, when we need the money for college fees. At that time, we will hire help. I need some down time and don't plan on spending it all cleaning. But I do like a clean house. When we lived overseas, we had a housekeeper. It was the best mental health break I could have ever given myself. I was a better wife and mother with a little bit of free time for myself. Don't brush it off as a luxury and unnecessary. If your DH deserves downtime on his days off, so do you. |
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Nanner
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Post by Nanner on Jan 18, 2015 1:04:43 GMT
We have the weekends off together. The kids are grown and have moved away.
I do the laundry and housework. He usually comes grocery shopping with me. On the weekends, he does the recycling. He does all of the yard work. I don't usually cook on Friday or Saturday night, but I do the cooking the other nights. When we get home from work, I will usually start dinner while he takes the dog for a walk.
He always helps when I ask for help, but if I don't ask, he doesn't do.
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Post by AussieMeg on Jan 18, 2015 1:06:32 GMT
My DH can't sit still. He always needs a job and likes to do work. He does WAY more than I do on his days off. THIS. Exactly this. If it wasn't for DSO, my house would look like a bomb site. I got up this morning and forced myself to clean the kitchen before getting a coffee and logging onto here, because I knew I'd get the stink eye otherwise, while he was tidying up the lounge room. |
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Post by maryland on Jan 18, 2015 1:19:50 GMT
If he doesn't do half of the work, tell him that you may need to hire a cleaning person. That is not fair if you do it all and he sits around. He should not be complaining if he thinks days off should be relaxing days. You get to relax too.
Maybe make a list of household chores (both of you could do this). Then take turns picking the chore you want to do. The jobs no one wants, rotate weeks of who does them.
Take turns making dinner. If one gets home later than the other, he/she could get stuff ready the night before, or make it the night before so all you need to do is put it in the oven (of course that depends on the meal). Or both of you can make meals on the weekend and freeze them.
There is no reason you should have to do everything and he just sit around!
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akathy
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Post by akathy on Jan 18, 2015 1:20:17 GMT
I would get a cleaning lady. I was a SAHM with only two kids and I had a cleaning lady. My late DH's job was such that I couldn't count on him being home for anything. He didn't have the time or desire to help out and gladly paid for a cleaning lady.
As someone else pointed out, maybe you need to get away and leave your DH in charge for awhile. My DH didn't always appreciate what I did until I was admitted to the hospital for a week when he happened to be off on vacation. He was in charge of a 3 and 5 year old and was in for a rude awakening. He never once again complained if something didn't get done or he had to pick up take-out.
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Post by gmcwife1 on Jan 18, 2015 1:30:54 GMT
Dh has Thursdays and Fridays off. I have Saturdays and Sundays off. We struggle with our days off sometimes too.
Dh is ADHD, he does housework on his days off while I'm at work. On my weekends I'm usually away away from the house with our dd, family or friends. Or we are doing 4-H or dog things. Right now me, dd and one of her friends are at a dog show. Dh does grumble every once in a while about doing the housework, but at the same time, he won't let it wait for my weekend.
He also prefers to stay home on his days off, while I prefer to travel or do activites on my days off.
So I understand your vent!
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Post by Merge on Jan 18, 2015 1:37:35 GMT
Mine does all the laundry. I do all the grocery shopping, meal planning, cooking and the vast majority of the day to day picking up/straightening/cleaning. We have a cleaning lady every other week to clean the bathrooms and floors, dust, vacuum, etc. Totally worth it. I still think I do way more actual work than he does, but he counters that laundry ties him to the house all day even if he's actually spending a lot of that time watching TV or napping, so nothing changes.
So I've got nothing for you except to say that a cleaning lady is totally worth it.
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Jan 18, 2015 1:43:44 GMT
I went on a work trip last year (only one night, though) and used to go on scrapbooking retreats for a weekend at a time. DH would never let on that things were difficult. But, they also would just all sit and play video games or watch football, etc anyway. They would order out and not do any of the things I usually do, so it is pointless to compare the two. However, I am going to be out of town next month for a weekend. I think I will write him a list of what I usually do on the weekend and see what he thinks of that.  We do need to get the kids into more of a specific routine. They will do things when asked but we don't have set chores. I love when my MIL gives me a lecture about not needing a cleaning person because I have four of them....and that I need to be teaching them how to do things, etc. Last time she said that I told her that DH was no better and she got defensive, saying, "Well, I tried. I did the best I could." Yeah...so am I (And I agree that they need to learn how to do things and be responsible). I don't think having a cleaning person would help, since I would need to clean before she got here. |
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Post by 950nancy on Jan 18, 2015 1:47:49 GMT
We almost didn't get married over this subject. We ended up writing out the chores our first month of marriage. I will say he does so much more than most of (all probably) my friends' husbands do. This morning when I went to run a few errands he had the mop out and was cleaning the floor of the garage because we have had a bunch of snow the last two weeks. I was talking about how gross the floor was the other day. He is now retired and does a few more things here and there, but I don't ask him to do my stuff because he did half the work and worked 65-70 hours per week for 28 years.
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Post by vspindler on Jan 18, 2015 1:49:09 GMT
Op I would be pissed at my dh with that kind of attitude!
We have a balance issue when it comes to days off. I end up using my time off with kid stuff , doing things around though house, or dealing with fibro flares. He works occasional weekends so he gets days off in the middle of the week with no responsibilities. Plus, I get the kids off every day to school because he has to be to work early. But that means he gets home early and has a few hours to himself before the rest of us get home. Since it am coming home about the time the kids are ready to be picked up, I often get pick up duty as well.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2015 1:50:38 GMT
He takes a nap, does maybe one little task around the house, watches TV and most times will BBQ for dinner.
On my day off I am running errands, cleaning, doing tasks, laundry.....all that crappy stuff.
We are very unbalanced when it comes to day off responsibilities.
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Post by moveablefeast on Jan 18, 2015 2:13:37 GMT
He takes a nap, does maybe one little task around the house, watches TV and most times will BBQ for dinner. On my day off I am running errands, cleaning, doing tasks, laundry.....all that crappy stuff. We are very unbalanced when it comes to day off responsibilities. Us too. He watched two movies today, and I ran a zillion errands. The difference for me at least is that he will often come to me and ask, "What can I help you with?" and while he will not just jump up and do a task that needs to be done, he will often at least offer to do something. I can hand him a list and half of it will get done. I always say that effort is my love language and this shows effort so I am happy. My advice is that if you routinely feel like he doesn't understand how much there is to be done and how much time and effort it takes, ESPECIALLY if you feel like you work your ass off and it doesn't get done and there's resentment over that, that's a reason to have a conversation. It doesn't have to be a coming to Jesus chat, but it could be "I love you and I know you work really hard, but sometimes I feel like maybe we could get a little more done on the weekends if we divided up the chores a little more intentionally. Could we talk about that at some moment when you're feeling up to it?" I'm in grad school and I work, and on really busy weeks I've put all the to-do's on a white board on the fridge. I've asked him if he could pick one task a day from the white board. He does about 60% of the time. It's one way I can lay out what needs to get done without nagging him, and if we are both choosing tasks from the board then I'm not handing him a list of chores. It works okay. We just both have to accept the imperfection inherent in life right now - he won't do everything I wish he would do, and I won't get the house as clean as it could be. I am intent on improving things without creating strife. |
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Post by Miss Lerins Momma on Jan 18, 2015 2:40:49 GMT
I'm a SAHM now, but when I worked, DH only took out the trash. Now that I'm home all the time, that is still all he does.
The man can't even make an appointment for himself!! I used to get aggravated when I did work, but not so much now.
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Uh, no. Instead, we had a big family clean up, with me directing the clean up. 
