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Post by chaosisapony on Feb 16, 2015 21:34:56 GMT
All of my relatives that have passed in my lifetime have wanted cremation and told us ahead of time what to do with their ashes. They have all been spread at places that were special to them. I personally wouldn't want my ashes just hanging out on someone's mantle and do not want anyone's ashes in my home. As far as the family that is left behind, we all have found peace knowing that our relatives are where they want to be.
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Post by christine58 on Feb 16, 2015 21:35:21 GMT
Does it make you sad at all that he's not buried?? I've often wondered this...does it bother you---sorry if this is insensitive---that someone that was alive is now just ashes?? What is the alternative? Bones and flesh in a box? I don't see the difference, especially if it was someone's wish. FYI..I am NOT judging what anyone's wish is...I was asking a question if it bothered her. To each their own...
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Post by Basket1lady on Feb 16, 2015 21:35:28 GMT
We are Catholic and the Catholic Church does not sanction either the keeping of ashes or the scattering of ashes. Basically, our faith believes that the ashes should be given the same respect and sanctity that a human body would be given. So we bury our loved ones, even if they have been cremated. I have never heard if this. My Uncles' ashes are not buried. Your family may not have followed the Church's teachings for any number of reasons. (Assuming your uncle had a Catholic burial.) I can't comment on what happened with your uncle's remains, only on the official practice of the Church. (This was under discussion with my family after my grandmother died and there was a delay in her interment because she was buried in a National Cemetery next to my grandfather.) This is from the website Catholic Cemeteries of the Archdiocese of Washington Catholic Cemeteries Info. Here is where they discuss burial I will admit that I'm sort of conflicted on this (personally.) Because it's not that Catholics believe that our bodies will walk the earth again. And ashes are clearly not the same as human flesh. But I do believe that the ashes should be treated in a respectful manner.
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Post by peano on Feb 16, 2015 21:37:49 GMT
My personal feeling is that I want my ashes scattered so that I can symbolically return to the Source. Keeping ashes in an urn on a shelf is personally repellent to me.
My mother requested that her ashes be scattered on a mountaintop as part of her memorial service. It was nice.
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kateri5
Shy Member
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Sept 23, 2014 12:21:04 GMT
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Post by kateri5 on Feb 16, 2015 21:38:49 GMT
My sister and my father died within two weeks of each other in August 2013. My sister's death was expected, as she had had pancreatic cancer for 3 years when she died. My dad's death was unexpected. My sister's wish was to have her ashes spread at several particular places in Hawaii, as she loved it there. My Mom and Dad went to Hawaii once a year for vacation and also loved it there, so we spread my sister's and Dad's ashes in Hawaii last March. Some of Dad's ashes were saved for when Mom dies. My sister's ashes were split in three, as there were three favorite places that she wanted to be spread. A local hotel's florist wrapped their ashes in some sort of big green leaves and decorated them with beautiful flowers, which we threw overboard of a boat that we rented. We had a color guard at the harbor that did a 21 gun salute and folded a flag in honor of my Dad, who was a 22 year Army veteran. We went on the boat, went way out in the ocean and threw the leave/flower bouquets in the ocean. We had hired a singer who sang songs on a ukulele in honor of my sister and brother.
My Mom died in October 2014 and I will be going to CA in late March to spread her ashes, along with the remainder of my Dad's in Sausalito Bay. We'll be renting a boat and will have a singer along for the ride to sing songs while we're out there.
My family was Catholic but we are no longer practicing except for one sister. We followed the wishes of our loved ones and it makes me happy that we did what they wanted.
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Post by peano on Feb 16, 2015 21:39:19 GMT
I like the idea of a place to memorialize that is special to that deceased. I also have a fear of the wind catching the ashes and blowing back into my face during the act of spreading them. Sharla, this actually happened during my mother's service. It was weird, but I survived.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2015 21:40:52 GMT
We scattered my parents' ashes at the gravesite of my mom's family (per both of my parents' wishes). I've expressed to DD that I would like to have DH and my ashes combined before scattering somewhere fun (maybe I'll think of somewhere later). In my personal world, I could not deal with storing/displaying ashes in an urn. Recently when we lost our last dog, people were surprised that we didn't keep the ashes, but I'm definitely not going to keep the ashes of my dog when I didn't keep those of my parents.
Now the actual act of scattering? I couldn't bring myself to touch the ashes. I had to scatter them from the container. But that's me, and I might feel differently in a different situation.
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The Birdhouse Lady
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Post by The Birdhouse Lady on Feb 16, 2015 21:42:24 GMT
We did this and it is very upsetting/therapeutic/healing. We also have some of her ashes in an urn at home. Do you have to make a decision? The answer to your question is yes and no.
My dad passed away last July. His ashes along with his late wife (not my mom) are in urns in my sisters closet. His wishes were that after he passed away he wanted his ashes combined with hers and spread on the beach in Oregon where they lived together.
Of course I want to abide by his wishes and I am sure that is what is going to happen. It's all becoming real as my sister just put in for vacation time and I am making plane reservations to fly down in a few months. She lives in CA and we are road tripping to Oregon. I just think the actual spreading is going to very emotional for me. I am getting teary just typing this out. It's like I am saying goodbye to him forever. Which I know I have already done. Since she is the older sister I think she should do it and I will watch. She is probably thinking that I am the little sister and I have to do what she says and she will want me to do it.
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Post by monklady123 on Feb 16, 2015 21:44:32 GMT
We are Catholic and the Catholic Church does not sanction either the keeping of ashes or the scattering of ashes. Basically, our faith believes that the ashes should be given the same respect and sanctity that a human body would be given. So we bury our loved ones, even if they have been cremated. I have never heard if this. My Uncles' ashes are not buried. I happened to have a document in my "funeral" folder from the Archdiocese of Washington, that says this: "Since the human body has an eternal destiny in any form, the Church requires that cremated remains of a body be buried or entombed immediately after the Funeral in the same timely manner as a body. Cremated remains of a loved one are not to be scattered, kept at home or divided into other vessels among family members, just as it is clear that these practices would desecrate a body in a casket. The Church allows for burial at sea, providing that the cremated remains of the body are buried in a heavy container and not scattered." However, my Catholic dh says to heck with the bishops and he wants his ashes scattered. lol. Yes, he would say he's not a very good Catholic. eta: I see basketlady was typing the same thing up above. lol
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Post by beachbum on Feb 16, 2015 21:45:37 GMT
My dad is in 2 places - 1/2 of his ashes were scattered near an island in the Bahamas (he was Bahamian), the other 1/2 is in an urn in the family plot in Nassau. I know that is what he wanted, so I feel at peace with it. I will be scattered somewhere in the Caribbean, Bonaire and Curacao are high on my list.
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Post by Zee on Feb 16, 2015 21:49:07 GMT
I like the idea of a place to memorialize that is special to that deceased. I also have a fear of the wind catching the ashes and blowing back into my face during the act of spreading them. haha...for real...my aunt and I were transferring my uncle's ashes from the cheap plastic "urn" the funeral home provided to a very nice urn that had belonged to her MIL. We decided we needed to do that outside just in case, so we wouldn't spill him on the carpet or something. A strong wind came up and blew bits of my uncle on us. He would have gotten the biggest kick out of that, so we laughed. And had a drink.
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sharlag
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Post by sharlag on Feb 16, 2015 21:54:53 GMT
I like the idea of a place to memorialize that is special to that deceased. I also have a fear of the wind catching the ashes and blowing back into my face during the act of spreading them. haha...for real...my aunt and I were transferring my uncle's ashes from the cheap plastic "urn" the funeral home provided to a very nice urn that had belonged to her MIL. We decided we needed to do that outside just in case, so we wouldn't spill him on the carpet or something. A strong wind came up and blew bits of my uncle on us. He would have gotten the biggest kick out of that, so we laughed. And had a drink. I just have this almost physical sensation of like, saying, "Goodbye, mom!, I love yo...hack!hack!" and having gritty human ashes in my teeth...
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Post by Zee on Feb 16, 2015 21:56:15 GMT
yep sharlag ...it happens. On RHNY I think I remember Sonja going to spread her dog's ashes and it all wafted back up right on them. Unless I'm remembering that wrong? haha gross.
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Post by shelby on Feb 16, 2015 22:01:16 GMT
A few months ago I was helping my daughter at a trade show. A woman came up to our booth and she was wearing a necklace with a beautiful stone in it. I told her how much I liked it and she said that the stone was made from some of her late husbands ashes. She never takes it off and so she feels like he is always with her. I'm happy it brings her comfort.
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anniebygaslight
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Post by anniebygaslight on Feb 16, 2015 22:04:23 GMT
Follow the wishes of the deceased.
Few things are more disconcerting than an urn of ashes on a mantelpiece.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2015 22:10:12 GMT
I'm of the mindset "whatever floats your boat." You want to keep the urn on your mantle? Go for it. Want to bury it? Go ahead. My grandmother was cremated, mostly because my family chose to delay her funeral, but she will be buried with my grandfather. However, my cousin has found some picture frames that have a little vessel that allows you to keep some of the ashes. She plans on getting one for herself and will take some of the ashes. I believe everyone is being given a chance to keep some if they want to. This is going to sound so stupid but my first thought is which part of the body did those ashes come from? Is my cousin going to have some of her arm and hand in that little vessel or a part of her leg? I've said I want to be cremated and if I go first, I want DH to hold onto my ashes until he passes and then mix ours together and then bury us or something. We'll see if that actually happens.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2015 22:24:12 GMT
The answer to your question is yes and no.
My dad passed away last July. His ashes along with his late wife (not my mom) are in urns in my sisters closet. His wishes were that after he passed away he wanted his ashes combined with hers and spread on the beach in Oregon where they lived together.
Of course I want to abide by his wishes and I am sure that is what is going to happen. It's all becoming real as my sister just put in for vacation time and I am making plane reservations to fly down in a few months. She lives in CA and we are road tripping to Oregon. I just think the actual spreading is going to very emotional for me. I am getting teary just typing this out. It's like I am saying goodbye to him forever. Which I know I have already done. Since she is the older sister I think she should do it and I will watch. She is probably thinking that I am the little sister and I have to do what she says and she will want me to do it.
I won't say it's not emotional...I cried the entire time we did it. I never want to have to do it again, but will if that's what the person's wish is. (She changes her mind on a weekly basis). It was what my sister wanted and I abided by her wishes. Bring lots of kleenex. You may feel relief that it is done. It may make the grief start all over again. We did it just days after she passed so it all happened in less than 2 weeks. i wish you nothing but the best when the time comes. You will be in my prayers. Imagine me holding your hand while you do it because it has to be done. This is your father's wish and I believe to abide by a person's final wishes. With love. With many, many hugs.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2015 22:32:07 GMT
We did this and it is very upsetting/therapeutic/healing. We also have some of her ashes in an urn at home. Do you have to make a decision? Does your sister's husband have some also??? Just wondering...how is he doing by the way? No, he doesn't have ashes. He said their faith would not permit him to have any. My dad said he would like some for our mantle so we have some. She has 2 burial spots. She is in the green burial spot as well as we dedicated a rhododendron to her. It blooms in May. Those were her wishes. Her husband was against cremation but she had an autoimmune disease that made her so cold all her life that cremating her would give her everlasting warmth so that was her wish and it was fulfilled. He is doing well. He has found a new wife and she is wonderful. We attended their wedding (I had to leave because I got too emotional) but all is well. We still see them often. We talk to his daughter on a regular basis and they come for holidays and stuff. All is good thank you for asking!
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Post by crazy4scraps on Feb 16, 2015 22:44:31 GMT
Both of my parents had traditional burials and are buried at a local cemetery. My FIL was cremated and wanted to be scattered at the lake cabin. MIL put some of his ashes in a little jade urn and that went into a wall vault at a local cemetery and that was uneventful. She put a few spoonfuls of him under a big rock in the flower bed overlooking the lake next. He and my MIL had a very troubled relationship, but even so she cried the ugly cry when she dumped the rest of him in the weed bed just outside of our bay in the lake. When she passed away herself, she planned her whole funeral and by the time we got her from the funeral home she was already sealed in the container she had chosen. All we had to do after the service was to put her urn into the wall vault with FIL so it wasn't very emotional at all.
DH and I both want to be cremated. I get the heebie jeebies thinking about rotting in a box underground, and viewings/wakes make me uncomfortable too. But for some weird reason, we have two of our three cremated dogs still in their little boxes in the closet. I'm glad we didn't bury them at our old house though because we don't live there anymore. Now that we own the lake cabin and have no plans of ever selling it, we could probably scatter or bury them there. I'm pretty sure DH will want to be scattered there as well.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2015 22:44:39 GMT
We had an issue in my family that made me Pea Livid. My Grandmother wanted to be buried in her father's grave. That was permissible as 25 years had passed (I think you had to wait 25 years to be able to put someone else's remains on top of another body). That's fine as he was her favourite person in the world. Someone chose to put Grandpa on top of her mother (so that would be great granny). My great grandmother hated my Grandpa as he was German and my grandparents married just before WWII. She hated my grandfather so much. (She hated everyone but my grandfather especially). When I heard they were burying Grandpa onto of her I was upset. No one is going to listen to me as my mother's brother took care of everything as he lived where Grandpa lived. To this day it bothers me. It is NOT what he would have wanted.
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Post by FrozenPea on Feb 16, 2015 22:58:57 GMT
I think it is fine. I wany spread at Whiskey Gulch. My friend's mom's were just scattered on Sleeping Lady. They took a helicopter up the and did it. I like knowing she is there when I look at the mountain.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2015 23:05:15 GMT
I'd rather spread ashes then keep them in an urn in my house.
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Post by FrozenPea on Feb 16, 2015 23:06:39 GMT
We did this and it is very upsetting/therapeutic/healing. We also have some of her ashes in an urn at home. Do you have to make a decision? The answer to your question is yes and no.
My dad passed away last July. His ashes along with his late wife (not my mom) are in urns in my sisters closet. His wishes were that after he passed away he wanted his ashes combined with hers and spread on the beach in Oregon where they lived together.
Of course I want to abide by his wishes and I am sure that is what is going to happen. It's all becoming real as my sister just put in for vacation time and I am making plane reservations to fly down in a few months. She lives in CA and we are road tripping to Oregon. I just think the actual spreading is going to very emotional for me. I am getting teary just typing this out. It's like I am saying goodbye to him forever. Which I know I have already done. Since she is the older sister I think she should do it and I will watch. She is probably thinking that I am the little sister and I have to do what she says and she will want me to do it.
Just be sure to look at the state laws. I know in Ak you have to notify the EPA and it had to be 3 nautical miles from the shore.
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Post by 505scrapper on Feb 16, 2015 23:14:47 GMT
Both my parents want/wanted to be cremated. When my mom passed away, we had her cremated and then had her ashes buried at the National Cemetery in Santa Fe (she was in the Navy). However, in order to reserve the spot next to her at the cemetery for my dad (also Navy), we had to wait for the cemetery to get his discharge papers. So we had a memorial service at the cemetery and then took the ashes home with us and about a month later we took them back to the cemetery for the burial.
When dad passes away, we will also have him cremated and then bury him next to mom at the National Cemetery.
Although it was a little comforting having mom's ashes at home for a while, I don't think I'd want them there permanently. I would be too worried all the time that something would happen to them.
We do go visit my mom's grave a few times a year. I don't feel obligated to visit, but once in a while my dad will suggest it and we'll go.
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lesley
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Post by lesley on Feb 16, 2015 23:17:52 GMT
I've had my mum's ashes in a plastic urn in the back of my kitchen cupboard for just over a year. I have no idea what to do with them. She didn't tell me where she wanted them scattered, although my sister-in-law claims that she told her. The place she mentioned makes no sense however. Part of me would like to offer them to my SIL to mix with my brother's ashes (if indeed, my brother was cremated - I don't know), as I know my mum would have liked that. However, I would need to talk to her to do that, and I have no plans to ever talk to her again!
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MorningPerson
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Jul 4, 2014 21:35:44 GMT
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Post by MorningPerson on Feb 16, 2015 23:54:28 GMT
If the person's wish was that their cremains be scattered, then that is what should be done. I want my ashes to be mixed with those of my beloved pets. It is illegal in this state to inter animals in human cemeteries. So unless I move or the laws change, I do not want my ashes interred. My husband and DD know where to scatter our remains. Add the above to the fact I know way too much about the funeral/cemetery business and therefore want NOTHING to do with either of them. OK, I'm gonna ask. What do we all not know about the funeral/cemetery business that makes you want to have nothing to do with them?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2015 0:03:59 GMT
I found the dumping of ashes disturbing. I would rather dig a hole , dump them in and plant a tree over them.
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samantha25
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Post by samantha25 on Feb 17, 2015 0:29:22 GMT
The amount of ashes from a body is more than I thought. My dad's remains arrived in a box, delivered by the post office to the front door. I sat next to the box, while we drove around and spread his ashes at his favorite places (kind of weird). There were a lot remaining... not sure how I felt about it.
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Post by littlemama on Feb 17, 2015 1:24:32 GMT
I don't really get the concept of going to the cemetery to "visit" the deceased, so it does not bother me to do something with the ashes. For my FIL, each of his children received a small ceramic container of ashes to do with as they pleased. The remainder were to be scattered in a body of water that shall remain unnamed. I'm not entirely certain that the ashes were ever scattered. That job was entrusted to the sibling who lived nearest to the spot. Our portion of fil' s ashes was originally going to be buried in our garden based on a conversation I once had with him where I said that if he didn't tell us where he wanted his ashes, I was going to stick him in my garden. He said that he would actually like that. (This was not a confrontational conversation, it sounds weird I writing, but in reality it was normal). When it came time to put the ashes in the garden, dh did not want to do it, so instead I incorporated them into the shadow box I made with all of his military stuff.
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Post by jmurray on Feb 17, 2015 1:45:57 GMT
I would do whatever the deceased had asked - provide it wasn't against any law / code.
For my own, I could honestly care less. I believe when I'm gone that's that - there is no more me. So if DH outlives me it's up to him what he wants to do with my ashes and I'm ok with whatever makes him feel good about it.
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