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WWYD
Feb 18, 2015 19:35:29 GMT
Post by pierkiss on Feb 18, 2015 19:35:29 GMT
I would tell my husband what I know. I would not say a word beyond that. Not my (blood) family.
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WWYD
Feb 18, 2015 20:35:56 GMT
Post by christine58 on Feb 18, 2015 20:35:56 GMT
I am done with this family. They minus BIL are all crazy. I just had a conversation with my husband. I told him my concerns with having BIL pay for the care when the money would be there if his sisters hadn't borrowed the money. His reply was that he doesn't know if his sisters actually borrowed money and that he isn't going to trust his wives opinion. I told him that his sisters are the ones who told me they borrowed money. One said it was to pay cash for a house in Spokane and the other borrowed money so they could go in with friends and flip a house in TX. Whatever I am tired of caring more about their Mom than they do. Jen I'd be telling the BIL..and I'd have some choice words for my DH if he said he didn't trust me
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Post by jumperhop on Feb 18, 2015 20:37:22 GMT
I am really sorry if it came across this way. I didn't earn her money and I don't feel entitled to a dime. I always figured that the money would be used for her care in her elderly years.
This honestly was about me thinking that my BIL had a right to know where MIL money went since he is planning on paying 5K a month for her care. When my MIL could afford her own care if her daughters didn't borrow it. Thanks for the help and advice ladies. I have been doing church stuff all day and won't be able to check back until tonight. Jen
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Post by jumperhop on Feb 18, 2015 20:40:43 GMT
Oh he got an earful. Jen
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Post by jumperhop on Feb 18, 2015 20:43:19 GMT
Love this, from now on I am just going to love her and spoil her with cards and visits from my kids and I. And let her kids worry about the major stuff. Jen
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WWYD
Feb 18, 2015 23:59:31 GMT
via mobile
Post by holly on Feb 18, 2015 23:59:31 GMT
I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. As much as I would want to tell him I guess I would have to stay out of it, unless I was willing to damage my marriage. One other thought and you might not want to go this far, is calling about elder abuse. I had a friend who had POA for a longtime friend who had Alzheimer's. She took care of him for many years. When he couldn't live on his own she hired her MIL to take care of him. They sold his house and he moved in with the MIL. This went on for about 5 years. His health started declining and there was staff changes at the bank where the MIL would cash his check for him. He was with her. Well she wasn't on the account, only my friend was and they had gotten lazy and my friend didn't always go in with MIL and friend. New teller didn't like this and she turned them in. My friend had to go to court to prove that she wasn't embezzling or spending his money. She was only using his money for his care. He even had a will where she was sole inheritor.
All this to say, there are agencies to look into her finances and see if she's being taken advantage of. Of course that would open a huge can of worms for you that you may not want to open.
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Post by christine58 on Feb 19, 2015 0:01:48 GMT
Love this, from now on I am just going to love her and spoil her with cards and visits from my kids and I. And let her kids worry about the major stuff. Jen Great plan
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WWYD
Feb 19, 2015 0:44:05 GMT
Post by metaldancer on Feb 19, 2015 0:44:05 GMT
As far as Medicaid goes, the look back period for transfer of assets (in NC) is five years. If they apply for Medicaid for her, they will be required to produce 5 years worth of bank statements and document where the money went. If the SIL took money from MIL's account that wasn't hers to take, she will have to pay it back. Either way, they're looking at a sanction period where they would have to pay private. It just depends on how much as to how long the sanction would be. I agree that DH should be the one doing the talking with his family members. You've made your concerns known and the ball is in their court now. Please keep us updated. From past family experience, I don't see this ending well for the SIL who it taking her money.
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WWYD
Feb 19, 2015 2:09:18 GMT
Post by 950nancy on Feb 19, 2015 2:09:18 GMT
If there are eight kids, wouldn't the mom need $800K in order to give each child a fair share (if that was the plan)? That money doesn't seem like an early inheritance if the mom doesn't have enough to spend on herself. The borrowing sister needs to take out a loan and get that much needed money back to mom. I have already dealt with the death of two parents and money issues can get very, very nasty when the stress of a sick parent is on everyone's mind. Personally, I think all eight siblings need to sit down and have a good, honest discussion.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 5:25:30 GMT
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WWYD
Feb 19, 2015 3:04:11 GMT
Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2015 3:04:11 GMT
I am really sorry if it came across this way. I didn't earn her money and I don't feel entitled to a dime. I always figured that the money would be used for her care in her elderly years. This honestly was about me thinking that my BIL had a right to know where MIL money went since he is planning on paying 5K a month for her care. When my MIL could afford her own care if her daughters didn't borrow it. Thanks for the help and advice ladies. I have been doing church stuff all day and won't be able to check back until tonight. Jen I would say something to the brother. Maybe I am the odd pea out but no way would I let him shoulder that burden when others were stealing from your mother in law.
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WWYD
Feb 19, 2015 4:01:09 GMT
Post by peasapie on Feb 19, 2015 4:01:09 GMT
With my parents, we paid for nursing home out of their money and then Medicaid kicked in. Why would they not do that.
If in the process it turns out the executor embezzled the money, I'm fairly certain the could be prosecuted. I don't see any reason for the one brother to foot this bill himself.
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WWYD
Feb 19, 2015 6:47:20 GMT
Post by jumperhop on Feb 19, 2015 6:47:20 GMT
And there it is........ An e-mail from BIL asking us to donate to her care. Jen
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,394
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Feb 19, 2015 6:54:06 GMT
I would definitely tell your BIL. Let him sort out the sisters, and don't be drawn into coughing up when money has been taken by the 2 SILs.
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Post by polz on Feb 19, 2015 9:19:35 GMT
GAH! DH's sister is a greedy *&^%. MIL has given us money and DH's sisters money. I appreciate every cent but don't expect it. One particular sister is always keeping score and making sure she gets her fair share (and then some). Like DD was going on a school trip to Europe. We were saving for it and SIL says "Is Mum paying? How much? She only gave $X for (her son's) overseas trip. You can't have more." We were not even going to ask MIL to pay. Just because she can afford it doesn't mean it's her job to give money to us. SIL will hit up MIL first before saving. I know for a fact that SIL has had waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more from MIL than us. This will become an issue when MIL passes, I'm sure. I'm going to stay out of it and leave DH to deal.
OP, since the BIL has asked you guys for money, I would have your DH tell him about the sisters getting the money and I would take a 'not my circus, not my monkey' position. I would NOT give any money until that 100K is repaid.
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WWYD
Feb 19, 2015 12:11:54 GMT
Post by elaine on Feb 19, 2015 12:11:54 GMT
And there it is........ An e-mail from BIL asking us to donate to her care. Jen I'm sorry. Since there is already conflict between you and your Dh over this, can you at least suggest that the children hire a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) to manage your mom's estate at this point? It really doesn't make sense for the children to pick up the tab now, rather than after her estate runs out. It only means a longer time until Medicaid kicks in. Since he doesn't want to hear it from you, maybe he will hear it from a CFP. You could suggest it under the guise of a CFP being a good person to divide the responsibility equitably between the 8 adult children. It also would be good for everyone, especially your MIL at this point, where she is now entering assisted living, to have a professional take stock of all of her assets and debts. And, it is much easier for me to suggest this than it will be for you to suggest it to your dh and his family, and it seems as if some of the siblings would be very motivated to keep an impartial professional out of their mother's finances. (((Hugs)))
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Post by jumperhop on Feb 19, 2015 15:35:39 GMT
Since there is already conflict between you and your Dh over this, can you at least suggest that the children hire a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) to manage your mom's estate at this point?
I mentioned to SIL who does the fiances that this would be a good option a few years ago. SIL at the time was giving MIL $100 a month spend food, clothes, any expenses on top Monthly Bills. MIL didn't think it was enough and would complain Daily that she needed more money. SIL asked me what to do and I told her (MIL needed more money each month) and that she should hire a CFP that way if MIL had issues SIL wouldn't be in the middle. SIL said this was a bad idea because she didn't want to deplete MIL savings paying a CFP.
Now things are different. I will mention it to my husband who will probably think it's a great idea because it takes all the contention away from the family.
Thanks,
Jen
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loco coco
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,662
Jun 26, 2014 16:15:45 GMT
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Post by loco coco on Feb 19, 2015 15:40:51 GMT
And there it is........ An e-mail from BIL asking us to donate to her care. Jen oh hell no. I would either tell BIL now or hire a financial firm to reviews MILs financial statements for the years SIL has been in charge of them. Each chunk of cash taken out needs to be recorded and known to the entire family on what it was for and who it went to. If SIL was really spending this $ for houses or whatever, it needs to come out in the open now
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tiffanytwisted
Pearl Clutcher
you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave
Posts: 4,538
Jun 26, 2014 15:57:39 GMT
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WWYD
Feb 19, 2015 15:51:35 GMT
Post by tiffanytwisted on Feb 19, 2015 15:51:35 GMT
I must say, I find it odd that your brother-in-law has no idea at all how much money his mother has. I don't know exact dollar amounts, but I do know that my father has enough money to pay for his care for a while. And like others have said, when it runs out, Medicare kicks in. How is it that your sister-in-law has been taking money, yet he doesn't know there was any to take?
Well, at least his e-mail will get the conversation started. At the very least, your husband can (in a group e-mail to all the siblings) very politely decline, saying that he knows that his mom does have some money. I'd be curious to see how your sister-in-law responds!
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Dalai Mama
Drama Llama
La Pea Boheme
Posts: 6,985
Jun 26, 2014 0:31:31 GMT
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Post by Dalai Mama on Feb 19, 2015 15:56:13 GMT
Yeah, the auditor in me says that SIL doesn't want anyone poking around in the mother's estate.
I would not be contributing money to her care when she, supposedly, has money to take care of it herself. And, since I get an equal say on how my family's money is spent, my DH could take his distrust in his wife's opinion and shove it up his @$$.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 5:25:30 GMT
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WWYD
Feb 19, 2015 16:16:27 GMT
Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2015 16:16:27 GMT
And there it is........ An e-mail from BIL asking us to donate to her care. Jen Ugh. So sorry.
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Post by krazykatlady on Feb 19, 2015 16:57:01 GMT
I must say, I find it odd that your brother-in-law has no idea at all how much money his mother has. I don't know exact dollar amounts, but I do know that my father has enough money to pay for his care for a while. And like others have said, when it runs out, Medicare kicks in. How is it that your sister-in-law has been taking money, yet he doesn't know there was any to take? Well, at least his e-mail will get the conversation started. At the very least, your husband can (in a group e-mail to all the siblings) very politely decline, saying that he knows that his mom does have some money. I'd be curious to see how your sister-in-law responds! I don't find it odd that BIL doesn't know how much money his mother has. I know what my mother has because I do her taxes but my brother and sister don't have a clue. My mother has been fiercely protective of her finances since she was widowed at 47 and had to learn how to take care of herself. Unfortunately we are getting to a point where she is no longer able to be so independent and decisions are going to have to be made. More unfortunate there's no way she's going to be able to pay $5000/month for assisted living. I don't know what we're going to do because none us can afford it either. People need to learn to be more open with their families about finances so situations like this don't come out of the blue during a time of stress and high emotions.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Feb 19, 2015 17:41:23 GMT
And there it is........ An e-mail from BIL asking us to donate to her care. Jen Yeah...NO. I wouldn't donate one red cent of my own money until the excessive loans to the other siblings were repaid. In contrast to what some others have posted that the loans aren't the central issue, I think it *becomes* a central issue especially if the loans have made it impossible for MIL to pay for her own care. If there is any way to even things back up (i.e. repay the money so MIL can fund her care) that should be done now while MIL is still alive. When there are that many siblings, there will always be one or more that try to weasel a little more for themselves. This happened in my family too. It will be in the best interests of ALL siblings for all of this to be out in the open and at the very least documented. Our mess dragged on for YEARS after our mom died, and cost over $20K in legal fees (which came directly out of mom's estate, so out of ALL of our pockets!) when my mom's estate was in probate. We were lucky that our mom didn't run out of money for her care, because the one who benefitted most from pillaging her assets prior to her dying would have done NOTHING extra to help provide financially for her care if she had.
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WWYD
Feb 19, 2015 19:13:41 GMT
Post by finally~a~mama on Feb 19, 2015 19:13:41 GMT
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this OP. Was the email from BIL just to you & your DH or was it to all the siblings?
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WWYD
Feb 19, 2015 22:40:12 GMT
Post by jumperhop on Feb 19, 2015 22:40:12 GMT
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Post by peanutterbutter on Feb 19, 2015 22:58:48 GMT
First of all, assisted living tends to be private pay. And be aware of the difference s between assisted living, personal care, skilled nursing care, and custodial nursing care.
Medicare/medicaid do not pay for assisted living or personal care, only nursing care under certain circumstances. Medicare (if your MIL is old enough to have it), will pay for a certain number of skilled nursing days, if a person qualifies. "Custodial" nursing care is generally paid for from a person's assets until those assets are depleted, and they may qualify for medicaid.However there is indeed a "look back" period, and if your MIL has "given/lent" money to anyone it will count double against her unless it is paid back. The other thin line your BIL is walking is assuming financial responsibility, because the state could expect this to continue, especially if your MIL has assets that aren't being used. And whoever is in charge of her assets is expected to start the medicaid process when it is time, or they could potentially be on the hook financially for her care.
I suggest you not get involved financially unless you are truly able to afford it indefinitely.
Also see if her insurance has any home care available. In home care is expensive. But just a few hours a day is a lot cheaper than assisted living or nursing care.
And good luck to all of you, families, illness, and finances are truly stressful.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 5:25:30 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2015 9:02:08 GMT
First of all, assisted living tends to be private pay. And be aware of the difference s between assisted living, personal care, skilled nursing care, and custodial nursing care. Medicare/medicaid do not pay for assisted living or personal care, only nursing care under certain circumstances. Medicare (if your MIL is old enough to have it), will pay for a certain number of skilled nursing days, if a person qualifies. "Custodial" nursing care is generally paid for from a person's assets until those assets are depleted, and they may qualify for medicaid.However there is indeed a "look back" period, and if your MIL has "given/lent" money to anyone it will count double against her unless it is paid back. The other thin line your BIL is walking is assuming financial responsibility, because the state could expect this to continue, especially if your MIL has assets that aren't being used. And whoever is in charge of her assets is expected to start the medicaid process when it is time, or they could potentially be on the hook financially for her care. I suggest you not get involved financially unless you are truly able to afford it indefinitely. Also see if her insurance has any home care available. In home care is expensive. But just a few hours a day is a lot cheaper than assisted living or nursing care. And good luck to all of you, families, illness, and finances are truly stressful. That's not true. At least not in Arizona. Medicare paid for my grandma's assisted living facility up until she died. But she had paid for my health insurance while I took care of her and we had to wait a year or so before that dropped off her financial records.
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Post by metaldancer on Feb 20, 2015 14:29:09 GMT
First of all, assisted living tends to be private pay. And be aware of the difference s between assisted living, personal care, skilled nursing care, and custodial nursing care. Medicare/medicaid do not pay for assisted living or personal care, only nursing care under certain circumstances. Medicare (if your MIL is old enough to have it), will pay for a certain number of skilled nursing days, if a person qualifies. "Custodial" nursing care is generally paid for from a person's assets until those assets are depleted, and they may qualify for medicaid.However there is indeed a "look back" period, and if your MIL has "given/lent" money to anyone it will count double against her unless it is paid back. The other thin line your BIL is walking is assuming financial responsibility, because the state could expect this to continue, especially if your MIL has assets that aren't being used. And whoever is in charge of her assets is expected to start the medicaid process when it is time, or they could potentially be on the hook financially for her care. I suggest you not get involved financially unless you are truly able to afford it indefinitely. Also see if her insurance has any home care available. In home care is expensive. But just a few hours a day is a lot cheaper than assisted living or nursing care. And good luck to all of you, families, illness, and finances are truly stressful. It does in North Carolina. And it can pay for some in-home services, depending on the individuals eligibility.
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WWYD
Feb 20, 2015 17:13:54 GMT
Post by elaine on Feb 20, 2015 17:13:54 GMT
It pays for Assisted Living in West Virginia too.
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Post by peanutterbutter on Feb 20, 2015 19:03:00 GMT
Interesting that so many have had luck getting Medicaid to pay for assisted living, it's been the experience of a number of my friends and family in several states that they would not - thanks for the corrections. Medicare absolutely does not however - it truly only pays for a certain number of days of skilled nursing care - not even "regular" nursing care - that is up to the patient or Medicaid if eligible. It is a moot point however until the OP's MIL has spent down enough assets to be eligible for Medicaid.
BTW OP, if your MIL needs to do a spend down, one valid way for her to do that is prepay a funeral, buy a burial plot etc. if she does not have those things taken care of.
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WWYD
Feb 20, 2015 20:19:12 GMT
Post by finally~a~mama on Feb 20, 2015 20:19:12 GMT
This is such a tough situation OP. I understand your wanting to let the BIL know about what was going on. I'd be the same way. Then OTOH, your husband wants you to stay out of it.
I don't know if this is the same. I've known two different people in recent years that were injured and needed care (couldn't or shouldn't be taking care of themselves) after they left the hospital. One went home to her DD and then insurance refused to pay to put her anyplace for skilled care because she had been released. The other person was basically warned of the same thing happening to her and she insisted on going from the hospital on to "swing care" (or something like that) noting that she didn't have anyone to take care of her at home. (She really did still need professional medical care and she lived alone 2+ hours away from family.) Medicaid covered her continued care.
Maybe if you approached it from the angle of being concerned about what insurance/medicaid would cover (and I don't know this may be completely different for cancer versus injuries) if she were to come home from treatment it would open up discussions between your DH, ILs and professionals and things might come to light on their own. Just a thought.
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