Kerri W
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,772 
Location: Kentucky
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Post by Kerri W on Mar 23, 2015 21:34:32 GMT
I'm curious why so many people are uncomfortable with being direct. Being direct and dealing with a problem honestly doesn't mean being rude or hateful or mean. I've seen it on this board a lot recently and have experienced it IRL quite a bit as well.
I'm not judging, just curious *why* people don't want to deal with things? It's outside my line of thinking to just sweep things under the rug. Why not just SAY it nicely and respectfully and deal with the issue at hand?
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akathy
What's For Dinner?
Still peaing from Podunk!
Posts: 4,546
Location: North Dakota
Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
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Post by akathy on Mar 23, 2015 21:37:19 GMT
I'm pretty direct. I find the older I get the more direct I get. Guess I just don't have time to beat around the bush  |
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Post by tallgirl on Mar 23, 2015 21:38:15 GMT
Because it bears the potential to lead to confrontation. Which I avoid at all costs.
Not saying it's the right thing to do... It's just the way I'm wired!
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Nink
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,947
Location: North Idaho
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Post by Nink on Mar 23, 2015 21:39:08 GMT
I'm pretty direct. It leaves very little room for misunderstandings.
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Kerri W
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,772
Location: Kentucky
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Post by Kerri W on Mar 23, 2015 21:41:38 GMT
I'm pretty direct. It leaves very little room for misunderstandings. This is pretty much my thought process on dealing with things. So much less stress to just deal with it once than to beat around the bush and then deal with that fallout, etc etc. |
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tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,368
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Mar 23, 2015 21:42:26 GMT
I have always tried to be direct. I think when we're not direct it leads to built up resentment and misunderstandings. I try to be nice and polite but there is seldom a doubt in your mind how I feel. Of course there are consequences when you're direct with people because some people don't like it but on the whole, I feel it is a better policy.
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Post by anonrefugee on Mar 23, 2015 21:43:04 GMT
I try to be, especially when important. My DH will do and say anything to avoid personal conflict. He gets enough conflict at the office.
The mix of the two is not helpful at home.
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Post by originalvanillabean on Mar 23, 2015 21:43:42 GMT
Yes I am. I personally prefer it in all communication, but my in-laws....another story. I would just rather know where I stand (and vice versa).
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quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,714
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Mar 23, 2015 21:44:27 GMT
I tend to be more direct with being polite. I don't like confrontation either however, sweeping things under the rug makes for a very dusty room when the rug has to be vacuumed or moved.
Polite and with tact and grace can get you a long way.
For the cub scout thread, perhaps saying that no cell phones during meetings. That would stop the parents on their phones. |
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Post by tallgirl on Mar 23, 2015 21:44:51 GMT
Oh wow... I just read the carpool thread. Is that what started this? Because in that case I would have no problem saying EXACTLY why I wouldn't be carpooling anymore!
Guess I have a little backbone in me after all!
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Post by gmcwife1 on Mar 23, 2015 21:47:15 GMT
I would say I am but I'm very polite about it. Many people were raised that speaking negatively is rude or impolite. A lot of times being direct is also thought of as being rude, blunt or unkind.
I'm tend to think my thoughts through and try really hard to word things in a kind manner. I have a very sensitive dd and I've been a trainer and auditor for years. So I've had to give correction feedback at work for many years and have developed a way to do it nicely without causing defensiveness or hurt feelings.
But at the same time I'm fairly easy going and don't find offense at a lot of stuff, so I also let a lot slide in my personal life. I'm not always hurt or bothered by many of the little things that many others are bothered by.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 2, 2024 8:02:43 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2015 21:48:12 GMT
I'm curious why so many people are uncomfortable with being direct. Being direct and dealing with a problem honestly doesn't mean being rude or hateful or mean. I've seen it on this board a lot recently and have experienced it IRL quite a bit as well. I'm not judging, just curious *why* people don't want to deal with things? It's outside my line of thinking to just sweep things under the rug. Why not just SAY it nicely and respectfully and deal with the issue at hand? This is not generally the way of southern women especially the Christian variety. But as I get older, I'm recovering from it and becoming more so. |
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Kerri W
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,772
Location: Kentucky
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Post by Kerri W on Mar 23, 2015 21:48:54 GMT
Oh wow... I just read the carpool thread. Is that what started this? Because in that case I would have no problem saying EXACTLY why I wouldn't be carpooling anymore! Guess I have a little backbone in me after all! Not specifically, no. Though I have noticed it here as well as in real life. I have a coworker who is particularly bad about this. Instead of just saying why he didn't do something he beats around the bush and the whole team ends up taking the hit...which drives me batty! |
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Post by gar on Mar 23, 2015 21:49:34 GMT
I have always tried to be direct. I think when we're not direct it leads to built up resentment and misunderstandings. I try to be nice and polite but there is seldom a doubt in your mind how I feel. Of course there are consequences when you're direct with people because some people don't like it but on the whole, I feel it is a better policy. Your last sentence is the crux for me. The consequences are what make me hesitate......I am not particularly good at 'arguing' and whoever I'm talking to is likely to get one over on me verbally, I'll get flustered, irritated with myself for not getting my point across and.......that's why I hesitate. It comes down to self confidence I suppose. |
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Post by MichyM on Mar 23, 2015 21:51:10 GMT
I am direct. I prefer to spend my time with people who are direct. Saves so much time and anxiety!
ETA For me being direct does not equal being impolite. I doubt there are many who would call me rude or impolite.
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Post by anonrefugee on Mar 23, 2015 21:54:23 GMT
@gar, you have a lot of confidence and rational thinking here. It's hard to imagine you lack the ability to be direct and polite.
Sometimes it just takes diving in, and practice.
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Dani-Mani
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,706
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Post by Dani-Mani on Mar 23, 2015 21:58:55 GMT
I don't sugar coat anything.
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Post by papersilly on Mar 23, 2015 22:03:08 GMT
yes and painfully so. as I get older, I have less patience for beating around the bush.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 2, 2024 8:02:43 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2015 22:11:30 GMT
Customers not direct at all except one. I tell her exactly what I think. She was my teacher and she gets the truth. A friend's mom gets advice what looks good and what doesn't. I do give her an honest opinion. My teacher though she gets the God honest truth. She thanks me for that. She will only come in on the days I am working because she wants my help.
Other people I dance around discussing things...that is the Japanese in me. People here take that as not giving enough information. It is.
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Mar 23, 2015 22:14:34 GMT
I am much better about being direct if it's a work-related situation... I'm still trying to get over the conditioning of the 'always be polite, never rock the boat, etc.' way I was raised back in the Midwest. It's getting easier as I've gotten older, but it's still difficult for me sometimes, especially if it's something I feel very deeply about-- the emotion can backfire on me and I'll get upset at not being able to express myself clearly, which is NOT what I want to have happen. It's a lot easier if it's about work, where I'm less apt to get emotional.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 2, 2024 8:02:43 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2015 22:16:43 GMT
Heck no, my indirectness is bordering on epic.
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NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,856
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Mar 23, 2015 22:20:27 GMT
Yes. Especially with friendships...I would rather someone tell me to my face "hey this friendship isn't going to work because xyz" than beat around the bush or avoid me. I have much more respect for people like that.
DH has to be direct as part of his job but in his personal life he isn't..he avoids crap. Him and I were just talking about it last night. He don't like to cause drama and I'm like "you can be direct and in classy non drama matter and still get to the bottom of stuff" I think he gets it from his family..they are the classic "lets sweep shit under the rug to keep up appearances"
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Post by gar on Mar 23, 2015 22:23:09 GMT
@gar, you have a lot of confidence and rational thinking here. It's hard to imagine you lack the ability to be direct and polite. Sometimes it just takes diving in, and practice. Thank you and you're right I think...practise does help and I am getting better as I get older - not before time  Believe it or not, I actually feel that time spent here talking about such a variety of things with many opposing points of view has helped a lot! |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 2, 2024 8:02:43 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2015 22:26:51 GMT
I find I'm more direct the older i get. I think of too many times I didn't say exactly what I wanted to or should have and was upset that the other party didn't either realize, care whatever, and now I see I was the only one to blame because I didn't stand up and say what I wantes, thought, etc.
There's a difference, however, between being direct in a kind way and being nasty.
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Post by bc2ca on Mar 23, 2015 22:30:48 GMT
I am now in most circumstances, but there are a few people I might not be 100% direct with, including one that wanted to car pool with me and another parent.
We both told her it didn't work for us and refused to engage or discuss why, which I don't consider to be direct. A direct response would have been to tell her that our past experience had shown she was not a reliable carpool partner and we weren't willing to go out of our way to drive her daughter to school without her reciprocating/participating. I didn't want to deal with the confrontation and took the easy way out.
I do think that I am more direct as I get older, and find it much easier to say "no" to things I really don't want to do, but I've also learned that people are not mind readers and if I want something I need to be specific and direct when asking for it.
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Montannie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,486
Location: Big Sky Country
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Post by Montannie on Mar 23, 2015 22:55:20 GMT
Yes. Direct, take the bull by the horns sort of woman. In my case, very much related to age.
When I was younger, I disliked confrontation, probably because of my own insecurities. I wanted people to like me.
Now, I figure that you do no one any favors by ignoring things, or pretending things don't matter to you because you don't want to "cause a scene."
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paget
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:39 GMT
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Post by paget on Mar 23, 2015 23:01:29 GMT
I can be very direct and I can also *not* be. It totally depends on the situation and the people for me. I think in most cases it is better to be direct but I have some social anxiety and I also hate conflict and hurting people's feeling so those are the reasons I am sometimes not direct.
If I am mad about something or feel very strongly I will be direct. Right now there's two people at work who talk to me way too much and I struggle with being direct because I think it will just make me look mean/rude. In the carpool situation or something similar I'd drop that carpool in a hot minute and tell them why.
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J u l e e
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Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Mar 23, 2015 23:04:26 GMT
I am pretty direct, and working on being direct without sounding direct. I know so many people who get offended by directness and would rather messages be couched in fluffy words. I'm not great at that, and it gets tiring. But I guess that's what makes communication so hard. I don't mind it when people speak to me directly. I would rather not have to guess what is really being said.
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Post by gmcwife1 on Mar 23, 2015 23:06:32 GMT
I find I'm more direct the older i get. I think of too many times I didn't say exactly what I wanted to or should have and was upset that the other party didn't either realize, care whatever, and now I see I was the only one to blame because I didn't stand up and say what I wantes, thought, etc. There's a difference, however, between being direct in a kind way and being nasty.I agree, being direct isn't the same and being a jerk or being unkind. |
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rickmer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,125
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Post by rickmer on Mar 23, 2015 23:12:28 GMT
yes, i am direct but do firmly belief in treating people the way i would want to be treated. my background is in corporate hr so when dealing with things, i was trained to ask questions, get other involved parties opinions of how they feel things are going, share positives and then address items that need to be addressed. if no one took me aside, periodically during my career, to offer my advice or their wisdom, i would have never been as successful. i have friends who ask me "how can i deal with this diplomatically" when they have awkward situations.
doesn't mean i LIKE confrontation, because i most certainly do not. but i also think if i am not happy about something is going enough to talk ABOUT them, i owe them the courtesy of speaking TO them. as others have posted above, often nothing can be resolved until it is out in the open. without being direct, a lot of misunderstandings can spiral out of control.
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