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Post by just PEAchy on Apr 7, 2015 20:49:44 GMT
We received a wedding invitation today addressed to Mr & Mrs FirstName LastName & Family, which would mean kids are invited right? Well, the reception card states "Space is limited, adults only please" My kids are 15, 13 and 11, so I'm really unsure if they are invited or not. This is a family wedding, so I guess I'm just going to have to call, but that is just so awkward. We may end up not even going, we'd have to take a 5 hour plane trip, then rent a car and drive 3 hours into the mountains. The reception does sound fun, but I'm thinking as an adult-only one, it wouldn't be fun for the kids even if they are welcome. So, what say the refupeas?
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georgiapea
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Post by georgiapea on Apr 7, 2015 20:54:27 GMT
Seems like your entire family is invited to the actual wedding ceremony, but the reception is being held where space (and maybe budget) is smaller and the kids are expected to be non attendees. Since it's family, if you decide to attend, probably all the other kids will be together somewhere. Maybe a pizza place for an hour or so.
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lesley
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Post by lesley on Apr 7, 2015 21:03:28 GMT
Seems like your entire family is invited to the actual wedding ceremony, but the reception is being held where space (and maybe budget) is smaller and the kids are expected to be non attendees. Since it's family, if you decide to attend, probably all the other kids will be together somewhere. Maybe a pizza place for an hour or so. That's how it reads to me too. I don't think I would making a journey of that length with my kids and then sending them off to fend for themselves during the reception! |
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quiltz
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Post by quiltz on Apr 7, 2015 21:06:02 GMT
The whole family is invited to attend the wedding and the reception is adults only.
Are you the only family member that would have to fly in? Because airplane tickets are not cheap and the cost for 5 return tickets, rental car, hotel rooms, and wedding gift is comparable to a family vacation.
Could your kids play with their other cousins at a separate location, such as the home of a sibling who lives in the area?
Personally, I would mail a card with a cheque and not go. I would rather spend that money on something where all of us could participate. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 7, 2015 21:07:21 GMT
We received a wedding invitation today addressed to Mr & Mrs FirstName LastName & Family, which would mean kids are invited right? Well, the reception card states "Space is limited, adults only please" My kids are 15, 13 and 11, so I'm really unsure if they are invited or not. This is a family wedding, so I guess I'm just going to have to call, but that is just so awkward. We may end up not even going, we'd have to take a 5 hour plane trip, then rent a car and drive 3 hours into the mountains. The reception does sound fun, but I'm thinking as an adult-only one, it wouldn't be fun for the kids even if they are welcome. So, what say the refupeas? How rude of the couple to issue an invitation to the "family" for the ceremony but not to the reception. What do they expect you will do with the children while you attend the reception in a city in which you do not live? Are there any other branches of the family who might be in a similar predicament? |
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Post by originalvanillabean on Apr 7, 2015 21:09:53 GMT
If it is addressed to "and family" I would think they ARE invited, but then the adults only would make me think they are not. Passive aggressive. Aaah, georgiapea has a good point. If it is going to cost you that much in money and time, but they can only attend the ceremony, not the reception, I would probably pass. I guess it depends on how close they are to you. Best of luck! |
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Post by anonrefugee on Apr 7, 2015 21:09:56 GMT
If we were invited to a wedding that far away, with real expectations of attendance , everyone would be included if it said "and family". But my family is very casual about these things. Invitations are essentially announcements, and dramatic travel is not expected, unless you are emotionally close.
Nor are invitations considered gift demands.
Like you said in OP, ask them what is expected.
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Post by epeanymous on Apr 7, 2015 21:16:52 GMT
I think it is totally fine to do an adults-only reception or party, but I don't bother attending those at this point if they involve a plane flight. I think it is confusing enough (although I think the explanation up thread is the most likely) that while I ordinarily don't think it is worth calling about invites, I think this is one where it is worth clarifying, particularly if it makes a difference as to whether or not you will attend.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Apr 7, 2015 21:20:05 GMT
Hmmm, how close are you to the couple? I'm wondering if they printed the adults only reception card as they do not want people to bring extra guests that were not invited (you'd be surprised how many people don't realize that if the kids aren't on the envelope they're not invited). They may be making an exception for you, either because of the distance you need to travel, or because you're immediate family.
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Post by lucyg on Apr 7, 2015 21:29:52 GMT
I agree with Darcy Collins, and in addition, since it's family, I would call and get clarification about who exactly is invited to what. But only IF you are seriously considering attending. I wouldn't make a fuss about calling to ask if I were 90% sure I wasn't going to attend either way.
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Post by just PEAchy on Apr 7, 2015 21:41:01 GMT
The groom is our nephew, on DH's side. My BIL and SIL are really lovely people, but I think they and the rest of DH's family sometimes forget our kids are still young. Like I said, my oldest is 15, the next youngest cousin is 24. There have been other events we've been invited to that weren't kid friendly.
Everyone in the family, except this BIL/SIL live in the Midwest, the wedding is out West so everyone will have to fly in. I don't know whether the brides family has any young children. The wedding is being held in a rather remote area in the mountains, so I don't think there is any type of alternate activity planned for children.
The cost is another issue, as someone mentioned. It really would be the cost of a family vacation. I think I'm leaning towards not going. I forgot to mention in the OP, my DH can't go, he has to work (two people have vacation that week and that's the max that can be off).
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Post by just PEAchy on Apr 7, 2015 21:45:07 GMT
I agree with Darcy Collins, and in addition, since it's family, I would call and get clarification about who exactly is invited to what. But only IF you are seriously considering attending. I wouldn't make a fuss about calling to ask if I were 90% sure I wasn't going to attend either way. That's kind of the issue I'm facing, I would rather not call since I'm leaning towards not going. Originally, I really did want to go, even without DH. But when I found out I'd have to make a 3 hour drive on top of the plane trip and now dealing with the ambiguity of the invitation, I'm less inclined to want to go. |
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Post by gritzi on Apr 7, 2015 21:48:25 GMT
There's no way I would trek across country, spending a significant amount of $$ to boot w/my kids not invited, especially knowing my DH wouldn't be traveling with us. I understand & respect a bride & groom's decision to invite/not invite children. It wouldn't be an issue if the wedding/reception were local, because the kids could stay home that evening.
I would send my regrets followed by a gift & lovely note congratulating the bride & groom.
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Post by JustCallMeMommy on Apr 7, 2015 22:06:14 GMT
Since it is DH's side of the family and he can't go, I think I would just send regrets.
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Post by BuckeyeSandy on Apr 7, 2015 22:15:33 GMT
Since it is DH's side of the family and he can't go, I think I would just send regrets.  And for the record, I do not understand how you can have a wedding and not have children attend both the ceremony and the reception. |
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mallie
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Post by mallie on Apr 7, 2015 22:20:58 GMT
I have zero problem with adults-only events, but in this case, I would send my regrets. Too much time and money, dh can't go and its his family, and no idea what to do with the kids during the reception? No go for me.
And I do know what it's like when everyone "forgets" that some kids are significantly younger than others and their age requires different choices.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 7, 2015 22:32:51 GMT
Since it is DH's side of the family and he can't go, I think I would just send regrets. And for the record, I do not understand how you can have a wedding and not have children attend both the ceremony and the reception. It's not uncommon at all actually. |
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AnotherPea
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Post by AnotherPea on Apr 7, 2015 22:36:02 GMT
Since it is DH's side of the family and he can't go, I think I would just send regrets. And for the record, I do not understand how you can have a wedding and not have children attend both the ceremony and the reception. I've learned that many couples see weddings as an opportunity to get lots of attention, presents and have a huge party. Instead of how I was raised to see it-a joining of two families and an opportunity to fellowship with friends and (sometimes new) family. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 7, 2015 22:37:39 GMT
And for the record, I do not understand how you can have a wedding and not have children attend both the ceremony and the reception. I've learned that many couples see weddings as an opportunity to get lots of attention, presents and have a huge party. Instead of how I was raised to see it-a joining of two families and an opportunity to fellowship with friends and (sometimes new) family. Or maybe some just want an adult only reception. |
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AnotherPea
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Post by AnotherPea on Apr 7, 2015 22:41:26 GMT
Which I don't understand. I accept, of course, because it isn't my wedding. But I don't understand the need to exclude part of the family simply because they aren't of drinking age.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 7, 2015 22:50:14 GMT
Which I don't understand. I accept, of course, because it isn't my wedding. But I don't understand the need to exclude part of the family simply because they aren't of drinking age. For us it wasn't about drinking. It was about the tone we wanted at the reception. We didn't even have liquor at ours besides table wine. We don't drink personally. We just wanted an intimate reception with no young children. Space and money were limited. |
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Post by bc2ca on Apr 7, 2015 22:55:14 GMT
I've been to "no children" receptions and TBH enjoyed them much more than receptions where we brought our young kids. If the bride & groom want a sophisticated event, young kids do change that dynamic. We have also been to very family friendly receptions where I haven't seen my kids all night because they are with a gang of cousins. It really is what the bride & grown want.
In this case (plane ride + several hours driving), I would only go if we could add on a few days and make a vacation out of it. Knowing your DH already can't make it, I'd RSVP that we can't attend.
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Post by kelbel827 on Apr 7, 2015 22:59:29 GMT
Maybe, because you are 'closer' family that the "and family" really means all of you? Could be that the invites are general for the masses, but since your dh is his uncle, maybe they want all of you there? If you were really planning on going, I would ask. It shouldn't be awkward. "hey, got your invite. We are super excited for your wedding. Just wanted to double check the reception arrangement, since the invite was to all of us. I belong to an online group where a lot of women get their panties in a wad over formality and wanted to be sure I was understanding correctly"
As for the comments that you should decline because your dh can't be there...that doesn't swing with me. If you were invited, and you want to go, and he can't, more power to you.
Now, if you really don't want to go because of the travel involved, that's different. I don't get wives who can't go places without their husbands. It's called being an individual. It drives me nuts.
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Post by cmpeter on Apr 7, 2015 23:19:50 GMT
In our family it would mean the kids are invited to the wedding and reception. We would make it a family vacation and tack on a week before or after to do things in the closest city/fun area to the wedding and/or something with other family members who were coming.
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Rainbow
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Post by Rainbow on Apr 7, 2015 23:21:03 GMT
I'd send my regrets and a gift. It's just too much money and most of the family won't be attending anyway.
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Post by littlemama on Apr 7, 2015 23:22:44 GMT
If they did not intend for your kids to attend, it should never have said "and family". In addition, when you invite out of towners, it is rude to exclude their children.
FTR, we had no children at our reception, except for the son of my friend who travelled from Taiwan to be there.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 7, 2015 23:25:22 GMT
I'd assume that they are invited to the wedding and reception. The invitation specifically states them. And no way would I bring my kids and then send them off after..that's ridiculous.
We had an adults only notation on our invites but we didn't have a separate reception card..the invitation was one piece.
Personally, I'd send the invite back with a note on it saying that all your family will attend. I'm assuming there's a space that allows you to write how many are attending?
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Jili
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Post by Jili on Apr 7, 2015 23:27:08 GMT
And for the record, I do not understand how you can have a wedding and not have children attend both the ceremony and the reception. It's not uncommon at all actually. I did this at my wedding. My side of the family is HUGE. I'm the third of about 30 first cousins on my father's side (I have cousins that are younger than my own children), and there are about 15 of us on my mother's side. I'm the oldest of the grandchildren on my mom's side. Everyone is essentially in the same geographical area. I was married 22 years ago, and honestly, we could not afford to have all of the children at our reception. It just wasn't possible. I believe that many of them came to the church in the afternoon, however. My dh, on the other hand, has only 2 cousins. They were both young at the time we were married, and dh's aunt & uncle had to travel to our wedding. Those two were the only kids at our reception. There's no way I would have not included them considering the situation. So our reasons for doing what we did had nothing to do with the fact that the kids weren't of drinking age or a desire to leave people out. It had everything to do with the fact that I have a huge family and we're just not rich. LOL. |
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mallie
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Post by mallie on Apr 7, 2015 23:30:34 GMT
Maybe, because you are 'closer' family that the "and family" really means all of you? Could be that the invites are general for the masses, but since your dh is his uncle, maybe they want all of you there? If you were really planning on going, I would ask. It shouldn't be awkward. "hey, got your invite. We are super excited for your wedding. Just wanted to double check the reception arrangement, since the invite was to all of us. I belong to an online group where a lot of women get their panties in a wad over formality and wanted to be sure I was understanding correctly" As for the comments that you should decline because your dh can't be there...that doesn't swing with me. If you were invited, and you want to go, and he can't, more power to you. Now, if you really don't want to go because of the travel involved, that's different. I don't get wives who can't go places without their husbands. It's called being an individual. It drives me nuts. Assume much? FTR, I am fully capable of traveling without my husband. In fact, the majority of the travel I do is without my husband. But I also know that in my ILs case, they could care less if I am present; the invitation is really for my husband. So there is no way I'd bother to attend an event without him for his family. If it were MY family and my dh could not go, it would be a different story. |
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Post by epeanymous on Apr 8, 2015 0:10:50 GMT
TBPH, I wouldn't expect a wedding reception to have special activities aimed at kids as old as yours anyway; I think kids that age can function perfectly well in an adult environment by talking to people, hanging out with each other, gorging on wedding cake, etc., and while I think it is nice for "child-friendly" weddings to have some things for young kids (I've been to a few that have had bubbles, coloring books, outdoor games, etc.), it wouldn't make me feel unwelcome or unhosted with older kids if there wasn't anything there in particular for them.
That said, as you have described it, even if the kids are invited to the reception, I probably wouldn't go; I am perfectly capable of traveling without my husband, like most sentient beings with ovaries, but the expense of traveling that far with my kids for a relative on my husband's side when we can't kind of make a whole-family vacation out of it? I just probably wouldn't do it. Certainly, given what I said upthread, I wouldn't do it if my kids weren't invited to the reception anyway and it would just be me at the reception. As I said, I think it is totally reasonable for couples to have kid-free weddings and/or receptions. It just may make the logistics for people with kids such that it is impractical or undesirable to go, and as that person with kids, I have no hard feelings about it and hope the bride and groom do not either.
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