samantha25
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,914 
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Post by samantha25 on Jun 6, 2015 4:02:39 GMT
I have read the refugees comments about relationships with their mother and realized that some mother-daughter relationships are strained/terrible/great, so I'm hoping for some words of wisdom. My relationship with my mom has always been strained (not sure what adjective to use here), but every time she visits I think it will be different. But it never is. She came out to visit during a very intense time: the end of kindergarten, last dance recital, gymnastics, etc. I don't want to bash her, but she does minimal stuff. Doesn't even clean up after herself, give compliments or thank yous, as examples. She's one of the reasons why I moved away. I was so upset after she left, because I realized I have her genes and I display the mannerisms I don't like about her in me. How do I break the cycle? I told my DH that I do much better if I don't know what's going on in her life and to keep minimal contact. TIA
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LeaP
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,939
Location: Los Angeles, CA where 405 meets 101
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Post by LeaP on Jun 6, 2015 4:07:24 GMT
Hugs. I know how you feel.
ETA: My mom was difficult too under the best of circumstances.
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Post by anonrefugee on Jun 6, 2015 4:09:12 GMT
DH says a version of what Would Dad Do ?
And then regroups. Sometimes it helps.
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Post by elaine on Jun 6, 2015 4:12:20 GMT
First off, (((hugs))). I'm sorry you are disappointed and hurting.
The key to breaking the cycle is in your words, "every time she visits I think it will be different." It will never be different. Or, I should say, she will never be different. You need to come to some sort of peace with that if you want to keep her in your life. As long as you hope she will be different, you will always be disappointed. It is time for you to change YOUR expectations.
It stinks that you don't have the mother you want. Most of us don't. My relationship with mine improved many fold when I realized she is who she is and has some limitations that will never change. I get the needs she can't fill taken care of in other relationships in my life.
You know how she is. As long as she isn't abusing you or your family, it is up to you to decide if you will accept her as she is or cut her out of your life. I love my mother so much more now that I don't expect or want her to be anyone different.
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samantha25
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,914
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Post by samantha25 on Jun 6, 2015 4:27:34 GMT
First off, (((hugs))). I'm sorry you are disappointed and hurting. The key to breaking the cycle is in your words, "every time she visits I think it will be different." It will never be different. Or, I should say, she will never be different. You need to come to some sort of peace with that if you want to keep her in your life. As long as you hope she will be different, you will always be disappointed. It is time for you to change YOUR expectations. It stinks that you don't have the mother you want. Most of us don't. My relationship with mine improved many fold when I realized she is who she is and has some limitations that will never change. I get the needs she can't fill taken care of in other relationships in my life. You know how she is. As long as she isn't abusing you or your family, it is up to you to decide if you will accept her as she is or cut her out of your life. I love my mother so much more now that I don't expect or want her to be anyone different. That's exactly it. My mom had a nonexistent life with her mom, I hoped she would realize this and do more. I know this and set myself up for it every time. |
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Post by spitfiregirl on Jun 6, 2015 4:35:34 GMT
She doesn't give compliments , she doesn't say thank you and she doesn't clean up after herself. Please tell me she does worse things than this because if that's all she does I'm doomed. My kids are gonna never want me around when Im older. Could it be that maybe you need to just relax your standards a bit when your mom is around. Maybe ? All I have to go on is your post, and I don't know your history with your mom.... But is that all she does to bug you?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 21:40:18 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2015 4:44:01 GMT
I fully agree with Elaine. You cannot change your mom, or anyone for that matter. You have to determine if the "way they are" is "good enough" for you to have in your life.
In your situation, I'd simply ask myself before inviting her to come and stay with you if you can tolerate the extra work she causes. If the answer is no...then simply tell her that you cannot handle any additional workload at the present time. She'll either figure out that she has to step up or realize that if she doesn't, her time with you and your family will be limited. BOTH of those options place the ball in her court where they belong.
With that said, as much as I don't have any trouble in telling her that you can't handle the extra work, it seems like such a petty reason to end a relationship (ie nonexistent) because your mom doesn't help out or tell you thank you for a nice meal. That doesn't really seem all that toxic to me. Keep in mind, your kids are learning how to treat you when they're adults based on how you treat the adults in your own life. Do you want to teach your kids that it's okay to cut you off if you don't help with dinner or dishes or fail to say thank you for a nice meal? I'm not looking for an answer...it's rhetorical for you to consider.
My mom (and dad) were alcoholics and had a terrible marriage. My parents divorced when I was in 6th grade and my mom kicked me out of the house in 7th grade. I never lived with either parent again. For those years of my youth, I had no relationship with my mom. I hated her for what my life was like and the things I had to endure because she absolutely sucked as a mother.
But as I matured, I came to realize that while my mom was a beyond shitty mother, she did the best she could and didn't fail me or fail as a mother as a personal jab at me or because she hated me. I forgave her for being a shitty mom and nothing like the mother that I deserved or needed.
I have a great relationship with my mom today. (and have had a great relationship for probably the past 25 yrs or so) It's very adult. She knows I do not hold back with my words or thoughts...I'm not "her little girl" and she doesn't treat me like a child. She's long distance...she's never been that Grandma who attends tea parties or recitals for the Grandkids. She's never been to a birthday party. She's a good "long-distance Grandma" and if she lived closer, I'm sure things would probably be a bit stressed because the long distance role suits her better as a person.
I guess what I'm saying is to really consider how toxic someone has to be in order for you to determine it's time to write them off and end a relationship over.
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Post by epeanymous on Jun 6, 2015 4:47:05 GMT
Is it possible for her to stay in a hotel when she visits? I am just going to be honest and say that while I have a good relationship with my mother (she lives in the area and I see her about once a week), if she were to be in my house for even one night, it would be fingernails on a chalkboard. We just have very, very different personalities and personal habits, and while spending an afternoon together is lovely, 24/7 with her in my house would not be.
I know that probably wouldn't fix a lot of the relationship issues that you wish were better, but it would at least make the visits more emotionally manageable.
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Post by anonrefugee on Jun 6, 2015 4:53:36 GMT
elaine I just repeated your words substituting Mother with the name in my problematic relationship. No conclusions yet, but Its a helpful perspective. Thank you!
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Post by elaine on Jun 6, 2015 4:57:55 GMT
elaine I just repeated your words substituting Mother with the name in my problematic relationship. No conclusions yet, but Its a helpful perspective. Thank you! (((Hugs))) |
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akathy
What's For Dinner?
Still peaing from Podunk!
Posts: 4,546
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Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
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Post by akathy on Jun 6, 2015 5:45:32 GMT
She doesn't give compliments , she doesn't say thank you and she doesn't clean up after herself. Please tell me she does worse things than this because if that's all she does I'm doomed. My kids are gonna never want me around when Im older. Could it be that maybe you need to just relax your standards a bit when your mom is around. Maybe ? All I have to go on is your post, and I don't know your history with your mom.... But is that all she does to bug you? Maybe she feels it's payback for all the times you didn't help out, pay compliments or say please and thank you to her when you were growing up  Seriously though, you can't change her so the only way to get along with her is to change your reaction to her. |
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Mary Kay Lady
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PeaNut 367,913 Refupea number 1,638
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Post by Mary Kay Lady on Jun 6, 2015 5:54:23 GMT
I'm sorry that your visit with your Mom didn't go as you'd hoped.
I don't have the type of relationship with my Mom that I wish for either. The bottom line that I've come to realize is that my Mom just isn't a warm, fuzzy kind of person. I'd like her to be, but she's just not wired that way.
So, the question that I've had to ask myself is this: Can I love and accept my Mom for who she is and how she's wired? If I can, then great, we'll be able to move on and build a relationship.
If I can't then I need to let go of either my expectations of her or the relationship with her. And then with each of those choices I have to be willing to accept the outcome.
For me the bottom line is this: My Mom is 84 years old. She's probably not going to change. When she's dead do I want to mourn her because I wasn't willing to accept her as she was and build a relationship with her or do I want to mourn her passing because dead.
How do you break the cycle? You decide to do better and you do better. If you need it you get counseling to help you do better.
I've got to say, that if your complaints about your mother's visit are that she didn't clean up after herself, she didn't compliment you or say thank you then change it. When she visits next ask her to help. If you want her to load the dishwasher for example, then ask her to do it. Saying please and thank you? Maybe that's just not her. But, it doesn't have to be how you live your life.
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Post by grate on Jun 6, 2015 6:00:00 GMT
hugs to you. Honestly i have given up (and now my parents will be moving into our house, their own space though) I just live life not going out of my way to PLEASE HER. I focus on my own family and leave her to her. She can enjoy us or not be part. She realises she wants to be part of things and has started to change (albeit during the 5 weeks we are in the states for summers the last few years) She is nicer to my kids because I kicked her out once when she was horribly nasty. I actually think I had a metal break, it was flashbacks of what she would do to me as a child and mama bear kicked in.
My point is, it did not start changing until I changed my thinking. I always made excuses (actually she let me be well aware of them)... she had an abusive father..to extents I did not need to know as a child... had me as an unwed mother and she work so hard to get me out of foster care, tough relationship with Dad, moved in with MIL who hated her and me, two of my brother's died and so on. All reasons in MY mind to be a difficult person. THEN one day I woke up and thought, lots of stuff happened to me including being abducted as a child and having a belt loop around my neck, and I don't act as bad as her. I want people to be happy and open and enjoy being around me. I am not always easy to get along with but i apologise to my girls and we talk about why I snapped at them or was grouchy. So I am working on parts I need to work on but SHE NEVER DOES. So she can live in a partial state of closeness with us, it is all up to her and is not my responsibility anymore.
OK-- that was more of a vent but I hope you do find some motivation from it, or at least do not feel alone!
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Post by peasapie on Jun 6, 2015 6:41:09 GMT
First off, (((hugs))). I'm sorry you are disappointed and hurting. The key to breaking the cycle is in your words, "every time she visits I think it will be different." It will never be different. Or, I should say, she will never be different. You need to come to some sort of peace with that if you want to keep her in your life. As long as you hope she will be different, you will always be disappointed. It is time for you to change YOUR expectations. It stinks that you don't have the mother you want. Most of us don't. My relationship with mine improved many fold when I realized she is who she is and has some limitations that will never change. I get the needs she can't fill taken care of in other relationships in my life. You know how she is. As long as she isn't abusing you or your family, it is up to you to decide if you will accept her as she is or cut her out of your life. I love my mother so much more now that I don't expect or want her to be anyone different. Such great advice. I'm going to try to remember this with a few people in my life. |
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theshyone
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,411
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Post by theshyone on Jun 6, 2015 11:08:32 GMT
Are you wanting her to still "mom" you? Sounds to me like she is treating herself as a guest rather than "mom"? Swoop in and takeover.
You get treated how you slow yourself to be treated. "Mom put your stuff away" "mom why did you do that" call her out.
Then let the distance begin, because things will never be different ever. (I'm at this stage and it's hard).
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Post by hop2 on Jun 6, 2015 11:58:12 GMT
I have read the refugees comments about relationships with their mother and realized that some mother-daughter relationships are strained/terrible/great, so I'm hoping for some words of wisdom. My relationship with my mom has always been strained (not sure what adjective to use here), but every time she visits I think it will be different. But it never is. She came out to visit during a very intense time: the end of kindergarten, last dance recital, gymnastics, etc. I don't want to bash her, but she does minimal stuff. Doesn't even clean up after herself, give compliments or thank yous, as examples. She's one of the reasons why I moved away. I was so upset after she left, because I realized I have her genes and I display the mannerisms I don't like about her in me. How do I break the cycle? I told my DH that I do much better if I don't know what's going on in her life and to keep minimal contact. TIA You must also have other habits and mannerisms no? Your not the same person she is, you won't be, simply not wanting to be will help you make it so. While I have a bit of my mother in me, I definitely have a great deal of my father in me. I have his work ethic, I have( most if the time ) his optimism, I certainly avoided a few of my mothers worst habits like taking a stick or spoon to my children. Look at yourself honestly and change what you feel needs to be changed. Teach your children to be independent and think for them selves. But don't beat yourself up about it either I do think that some things are hereditary and not learned behavior. My DD certainly did not get her work ethic from me, her father or either of her grandfathers. She only has a work ethic when she's doing what she wants to do. Scary as heck to me, it's something I can't really understand. Not sure how, or where she learned that. The thing is she expends more energy avoiding what she doesn't want to do than it would take to do it. I hope that it's partially a teen thing and she'll grow out if it, |
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Jun 6, 2015 12:07:56 GMT
As @elanie said once I accepted my father would never change it got much easier to be around him.. My sisters all love to bitch and moan... but I just keep my distance and my expectations low. He will be here at the beginning of August to see my DD in a show. He is staying in a hotel. I have a tiny house and can not imagine having him here for even a weekend.
Sorry you are disappointed. I know its hard when things don't go as planned!
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amom23
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,333
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Post by amom23 on Jun 6, 2015 12:42:32 GMT
My mom can be really exhausting to spend large amounts of time around. She will talk and talk and talk all about herself while never asking anyone else a question and she rarely engages with the grandkids. Mom isn't a bad person. She does a lot of volunteer work. Mom is actually more caring with her friends I would say. I realized a long time ago she wasn't really one of my "people" and I don't rely on her to be so I'm not disappointed when she does stuff like miss a school concert for something else. A part of me still wishes I had the type of mom that some of my friends do, but I have my sister and she and I fill that void for each other.
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Deleted
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May 19, 2024 21:40:18 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2015 12:58:33 GMT
I have read the refugees comments about relationships with their mother and realized that some mother-daughter relationships are strained/terrible/great, so I'm hoping for some words of wisdom. My relationship with my mom has always been strained (not sure what adjective to use here), but every time she visits I think it will be different. But it never is. She came out to visit during a very intense time: the end of kindergarten, last dance recital, gymnastics, etc. I don't want to bash her, but she does minimal stuff. Doesn't even clean up after herself, give compliments or thank yous, as examples. She's one of the reasons why I moved away. I was so upset after she left, because I realized I have her genes and I display the mannerisms I don't like about her in me. How do I break the cycle? I told my DH that I do much better if I don't know what's going on in her life and to keep minimal contact. TIA When you stop expecting your mom to be different a lot of the strain will disappear. Accepting someone for who they are allows you to concentrate on their good qualities instead of what you wish was "better" In our minds we can always find something that another person 'should" do better. You can hold on to the memories of her not saying thank you, cleaning, etc. OR you can focus on how great it was for her to be there to share the end of Kindergarten, the dance recital, the season end for gymnastics, ect. She cared enough to come celebrate those milestones with her grandchildren. You decide what to focus on... and what you decide to focus on will play a huge part in how good the relationship is unless she has some truly toxic issues like drug/alcohol or is physically/emotionally abusive. |
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