peppermintpatty
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1345
Posts: 3,860
Jun 26, 2014 17:47:08 GMT
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Post by peppermintpatty on Jul 7, 2015 19:18:14 GMT
People look at me funny when I said that dh and I dated for 7 years before we got married. Well, here we are married 20 years, together for 27. It isn't all roses and being swept off your feet. People have a really strange idea about what marriage is. Some days he drives me nuts and I can't deal with him but when push comes to shove, I really can't see being with anyone else. He's a mess but so am I! My parents have friends whose kids are on their second marriages and they can't understand how my parents kids have been married so long. Duh, we work at it and don't bail when things don't go the way we want them too.
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tuesdaysgone
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,832
Jun 26, 2014 18:26:03 GMT
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Post by tuesdaysgone on Jul 7, 2015 19:20:47 GMT
Married 22 years this fall. It's been said here already...work and communication. It's getting up every morning and embracing those two concepts. We've been thru plenty of rough patches. Even in our deepest and darkest times, we both still care enough to put in the work a marriage demands. Walking away was tempting at times, but we view it as a life long commitment.
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Post by chlerbie on Jul 7, 2015 19:22:20 GMT
I have a friend who got married and I know it's just because she really wants all the "things" that come with it--more financial security, buying a home together, etc. I do not think they really LIKE each other, so I'm dubious as to how long they'll have to last.
We are best friends and find fun things to do as a couple. We also play in a band together. But we also pursue our separate interests. We both do things every day to make the other's life easier. We laugh a lot and still have deep conversations. We were outside one day, talking on the sidewalk, and one of our neighbors came over and marvelled how we could be together so long (16 years) and still be talking to each other, as she and her husband have been together for 6 years and don't do that. That made me sad.
It hasn't always been sunshine and rainbows and we've had a couple of bumps in our road, but we ended up working through them and in the end, it strengthened our relationship because we both knew we were willing to work on things to make them right.
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loco coco
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,662
Jun 26, 2014 16:15:45 GMT
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Post by loco coco on Jul 7, 2015 19:24:23 GMT
We have been married 3 years, together for 5. Our first year of marriage wasn't easy, we had 2 big deaths in the family that rocked our world and completely changed the family dynamic. Stress was an under statement and we were both very emotional. We got through it and are now back to the "honeymoon" phase. We say if we got through that rough first year we can get through anything and I truly do believe that. He is my best friend. Communication and balance is key IMO. We also get time alone when our work schedules are different and I think that helps, the first 2 days are nice with no snoring but by day 3 I miss it... a lot
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 8, 2024 7:47:16 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2015 19:27:47 GMT
DH and I just celebrated 28 years of marriage and for US the most important things are we trust one another, respect one another, we still make each other laugh and enjoy each other's company (unless of course he's in the dog house) We also have our own interests....he's a completely geek and loves gaming and talking geek speak to his friends, he has a standing once a month date with a bunch of guys and they meet, talk tech and drink boots of beer, I on the other hand, like to scrapbook (alone and with a group), garden and get together with for lunch with my girlfriends. Together, we love to ride our bicycles, visit local wineries and binge watch television shows we both like. We were both a bit older when we married, we both had over a decade to date others and party and were both ready to say "hasta la vista" to all that nonsense we both went through.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jul 7, 2015 19:38:40 GMT
I know a few people who's second marriage failed quickly. I've actually heard the divorce rate for second marriages is higher than first - something about no longer fearing the divorce process or realizing that the things that aren't working aren't going to change, there's also less likely to be young children people are staying together for.
For the people I know personally, one was definitely a jumped in too quickly situation, one was a situation where the blended family wasn't working, I'm not so sure for the others. I have one cousin who is working on her 4th divorce - and she's in her mid40s. In her case, she's really not comfortable with herself, and when you're looking for "someone to complete you" I think it's a recipe for disaster.
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Post by maryland on Jul 7, 2015 19:40:29 GMT
I am totally ashamed to admit that I can't for the life of me successfully post a photo on this forum! But, I have been married for 31 years, so I can do something right, lol. I think a lot of people are surprised to find marriage really hard sometimes. I know I was. And, as with any difficult thing, you have to put in some work to figure it out and get it done. I think that can be very scary for some people. Something that helps me is to try and treat my dh as well as I treat my friends. Don't say nasty, snarky things, don't talk about him in a mean way (except the rare vent when he really ticks me off) to others, be a good listener, etc. And here's the key part -- I expect the same from him. Also, what is with the nasty fighting some couples indulge in? Calling names, insulting each others looks and intelligence? Really? I don't think I could get over insults like that, even if he apologized. I think it would chip away at my self esteem if the person who was supposed to love me above all others called me fat, ugly, or stupid. You've got a good head on your shoulders, Steph, and I think the fact that you're thinking about this is evidence that you've got a good shot at making it for the long haul. I agree with you! I love what you said about treating each other like you would treat friends. Some of my friends aren't very nice to their husbands (they don't physically abuse their husband, just talk badly to them) in front of others. My husband and I always thank each other for not treating each other like that. Sometimes being around these friends is a good lesson to us and makes us feel that we have an even better relationship that we already knew.
We respect each other even if we don't always agree with each other. We also respect each others family and even though we don't always agree with our inlaws and how they do things, we still spend equal time with both sets because we love each other.
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josie
Full Member
Posts: 217
Jul 29, 2014 20:47:33 GMT
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Post by josie on Jul 7, 2015 19:41:03 GMT
I couldn't agree more. I think people are picking the wrong spouses. I have so many friends that were getting married in their early twenties, like myself they wanted the house, kids etc. They didn't focus on the partner piece. They were so afraid of being alone and never having it, they married who was good for them now.
I got so much slack because I didn't settle down when all my friends did. Believe me it was hard going to all those wedding showers, bachlorette parties, weddings and oh my the baby showers. But I knew in my heart I would rather wait and have a baby with someone who I truly believed I was supposed to be with. And it happened, I was 30 - just getting married and while a majority of my friends were now divorced, divorcing or fighting custody battles.
I am so grateful to have waited to find someone I wanted to share my life and they wanted to share their life with me. Yes it is work, juggling jobs, kids, chores, a household, finding date nights, having alone time. But at the end of the day no matter what happens, I still want to be with him.
best advice i got - "There are a million people you can live with, marry the person you can't live without"
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Jul 7, 2015 19:42:57 GMT
I haven't read the replies but it can come down to intimacy for some. I have heard many "horror" stories lately of guys that are going long periods of time without any sex and barely any intimacy. I understand that women's needs (and men's) tend to wane as they age, but holy hell, at least give him something! Even a BJ or hand job! (I also realize guys could be making up these stories but I don't think they all are).
You would though that this early on in marriage, that they would've known about the sex beforehand. After just two years you don't just normally give up all interest unless they were getting into the marriage for other reasons (green card, etc.).
Sad though to end it that soon.
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calgal08
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,519
Jun 27, 2014 15:43:46 GMT
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Post by calgal08 on Jul 7, 2015 19:44:58 GMT
Marriage is a lot of work. It's not all lovey-dovey all the time. Many people don't realize that and also many don't get that you have to compromise. No matter what, one person isn't always right. It's OK to not always agree on something, that's just life.
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Post by scrapmaven on Jul 7, 2015 19:49:17 GMT
I think it would help you to focus on what you're doing right rather than what they're doing wrong. You do have to consider both, but you're staying married and that means that something is working for you two. I've been w/my dh for a very long time and I think it works, because at the core we're best friends and we also have committed to working through issues rather than giving up. For us, it's a matter of seeing marriage as permanent and not disposable. Fireworks and skyrockets explode and dissolve. Bonding and deep friendship never fade. Do things just to make him happy and let him do things just to make you happy. It's give and take. Also, my dh has become my caretaker. Now he could complain and run. Instead, he's more committed than ever to this family. My gut tells me that you chose a great guy. Listen, feed him well and be grateful for him, letting him know that you are grateful for him. Do little things to make him smile. Men aren't all that complicated. Don't worry about divorce. You're married and have the rest of your lives to make it even better.
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Post by Merge on Jul 7, 2015 19:53:04 GMT
After 19 years - it's not expecting the other person to make you happy. You are in charge of your happiness. The person you marry is your partner and walks by your side, but he/she is not in charge of making you happy.
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bethany102399
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,542
Oct 11, 2014 3:17:29 GMT
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Post by bethany102399 on Jul 7, 2015 19:55:24 GMT
I'm going to scroll back up and read responses, but your post made my heart jump into my throat. It's so obvious from your FB posts that you two are deeply in love. You're not allowed to mess with me like that! lol.
Will return after reading.
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twinsmomfla99
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,993
Jun 26, 2014 13:42:47 GMT
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Post by twinsmomfla99 on Jul 7, 2015 19:58:20 GMT
Well, duh! It's the gays doncha know. They had to go and ruin marriage. I expect a lot more divorces after that SC decision! I agree with the other posters that it takes a lot of work to stay married sometimes. I don't have any experience with second marriages, but I think it might go something like this: "OMG my first husband was HORRIBLE! This new guy is so AWESOME! He will be the PERFECT husband!" Of course, they are comparing the first husband after years of familiarity and not caring if you saw his bad habits to the second husband who is still "Mr. McDreamy" of the honeymoon phase of the relationship. After a year or so into the marriage, Mr. McDreamy starts doing all those things that husbands seem to do after they have settled into the relationship, and the bloom is now off the rose, so to speak. Once the hope/fantasy of the new marriage fades into the "drudgery" of everyday life, the disappointment/disillusionment makes it easy to give up on the marriage since he isn't "Mr. Right" after all.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jul 7, 2015 19:59:40 GMT
I haven't read the replies but it can come down to intimacy for some. I have heard many "horror" stories lately of guys that are going long periods of time without any sex and barely any intimacy. I understand that women's needs (and men's) tend to wane as they age, but holy hell, at least give him something! Even a BJ or hand job! (I also realize guys could be making up these stories but I don't think they all are). You would though that this early on in marriage, that they would've known about the sex beforehand. After just two years you don't just normally give up all interest unless they were getting into the marriage for other reasons (green card, etc.). Sad though to end it that soon. I actually think this is more of an issue with divorce in the 10-15 year range than quick divorces. I know many, many couples who hit that range and with busy careers and kids going everywhere neglected each other. I think it goes both ways though - not just that the guys need some - women also need to feel loved and connected - when couples neglect each other - emotionally and physically - it creates serious issues. It's one of the reasons we always make time for each other. Even when the kids were little and we were both way too busy at work - we made sure to carve out time for ourselves.
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Post by missysauter on Jul 7, 2015 20:00:37 GMT
After 19 years - it's not expecting the other person to make you happy. You are in charge of your happiness. The person you marry is your partner and walks by your side, but he/she is not in charge of making you happy. After 26 years of marriage, I am still learning this.
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Post by leftturnonly on Jul 7, 2015 20:03:42 GMT
My heart sank when I read the title and saw you were the OP.
I am SO relieved this isn't about you!
As you mature, you change. You are no longer willing to live with just the bare essentials. You accumulate stuff and you develop ways of doing things.
It's hard enough when you're very young, but at least then you have the opportunity to develop together. It's a process that is very gratifying if the marriage lasts and is happy.
People divorce when they grow apart and not together.
In future marriages, they always know they can divorce again and I imagine that many think more about that then thinking about working through inevitable conflicts.
I would guess this is true for some couples, anyway.
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Post by Merge on Jul 7, 2015 20:04:00 GMT
After 19 years - it's not expecting the other person to make you happy. You are in charge of your happiness. The person you marry is your partner and walks by your side, but he/she is not in charge of making you happy. After 26 years of marriage, I am still learning this. Oh, me too. It's one of those things I have to remind myself periodically. Along with things like "killing your husband because he cannot find the dishwasher with two hands and a map is probably counterproductive."
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 8, 2024 7:47:16 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2015 20:04:19 GMT
Thank you for saying this, I too don't see my marriage as work. I think it sounds really smug to say 'well marriage is hard work and some people just don't like hard work' and think that's the answer to everything.
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Post by lily on Jul 7, 2015 20:10:09 GMT
We will be married 34 years next month. We were basically 20 when we got married (he turned 20 two months before; I turned 20 two months after). We have been through a LOT....an autistic son; the death of a child, the death of a parent; parent with dementia; moving to another state for work purposes; job losses; unemployment for both of us at some point.....
I would say the absolute most important thing is COMMUNICATION. Talk. about. everything. I don't care what the topic, talk about it. From past relationships, to current ones, to health issues to pooping! LOLOL!! Everything!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 8, 2024 7:47:16 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2015 20:10:30 GMT
When I read that these couples were older and established, I immediately thought it's probably 2nd marriages for most of them. The divorce rate is around 67%, and it goes up with each additional marriage. Since they are more established, maybe they don't feel stuck financially or have to worry about child custody issues. I'd imagine being older they understand reality more than some lovestruck young couple. Maybe once married, their partner changed and they saw the red flags and thought they didn't have time for that crap; life is too short.
I don't have an answer for how to have a good marriage.
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Post by scrapcat on Jul 7, 2015 20:13:09 GMT
In my experience and from what I've seen, it's all about knowing yourself, taking responsibility for yourself, being an individual that is part of a relationship, not that whole 2 become 1 nonsense. The marriages or relationships (a lot of the successful couples I know aren't legally married) that I see work are where 2 complete individuals share a life together. They don't try to change each other, they grow together and make a choice to love each other. Unfortunately, I see a lot of people just hanging on...hanging on because of jobs/money/benefits/kids/etc.
I had a short marriage mostly because I was young and just didn't know myself well yet. The relationship wasn't built to handle the changes that early and it fell apart. But both of us moved on and are each in good relationships now. Until I went through it, I didn't realize how many people experience "the starter marriage", which is basically a first marriage that only lasts a few years in your 20s. I had so many people coming up to me to share their personal stories. It was eye opening.
As far as 2nd marriages failing, I think there are a lot of statistics on that too. Again I think it's all just learning to know yourself. I know people who have it figured out by 30 and others who are still trying at 60, it's all just personal experience.
And yea like others have said, it's pretty easy to divorce these days.
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Post by Dori~Mama~Bear on Jul 7, 2015 20:14:12 GMT
June 2nd was our 19th anniversary. We have been together since October 22, 1995. The first thing we agreed on was "It is ok to disagree" that has brought us along way through some bad times and many good times. We are in a great place is our relationship. But we both know that neither one of us is perfect. We know that every body makes mistakes. Nobody can do everything all the time. and We love each other unconditionally.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 8, 2024 7:47:16 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2015 20:14:49 GMT
I know someone who was married for less than 12 months before she decided it was not going to work because he was addicted to porn and refused to get help. It sucks but sometimes you just know. Dh and I met at 18 and married at 19. December will be 23 years. We work because at the end of the day, he likes me and I like him. I don't tolerate man-bashing when I'm w my girls. I am his biggest fan and he is mine. We are loyal to each other and we kiss a lot.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Jul 7, 2015 20:14:56 GMT
Had me worried, too. My first marriage was for 24 years. It should have ended at 15 years, but I was one who was committed to never divorcing. The damage done in those ensuing years should never have happened. Denial can be very powerful though. I have now been in my second marriage for barely over four years. Despite the fact that we reunited our high school sweetheart relationship and marrying each other was all we wanted to do, the reality of it brought plenty of its own challenges. Those who don't have to work at a marriage are few and far between, I think. The rest of us need to put more effort into the everyday choices that make a relationship broaden and deepen instead of weaken. We weren't naive enough to think the strength of our love would keep us from having any issues, but we have been surprised by how many discussions and compromises have been necessary to get us to where we want to be. It's better every year right now. We have worked hard to make it so. I commend you for opening this discussion and trying to be mindful of your relationship. You seem like a genuinely good person (a little nutty, but that's good - lol). I wish you the best.
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luckyexwife
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,067
Jun 25, 2014 21:21:08 GMT
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Post by luckyexwife on Jul 7, 2015 20:20:11 GMT
Thank you for saying this, I too don't see my marriage as work. I think it sounds really smug to say 'well marriage is hard work and some people just don't like hard work' and think that's the answer to everything. I'm glad you said this as well. DH and I have been married 15 years, and we get asked often how we stay so happy. Twice this summer we've been asked if we were newlyweds! For us, it's communication and laughter, with lots of mutual respect and understanding. I don't know the details of your friends, but blending families can be extremely complicated. Of the second marriages that don't work that I know of, issues with stepkids/stepparents were the biggest problems.
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StephDRebel
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,668
Location: Ohio
Jul 5, 2014 1:53:49 GMT
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Post by StephDRebel on Jul 7, 2015 20:26:50 GMT
Oh cripes, I didn't mean to make it sound like we were packing our bags and heading to the courthouse! I just got a copy of my marriage license 3 months ago I'm grateful that we're still pretty smooth sailing and we intend to keep our sails full until one of us kicks the bucket but I also don't want to not pay attention to the people we know with relationships that work and don't work hoping we can learn from the mistakes and successes. I do tend to overthink things sometimes, I tend to have a hard time trusting my choices sometimes because i'm horrified by my first marriage and that I was so insecure and unhappy that I allowed myself to be in that situation. My dad has been divorced 3x and I have a few family members with similar track records. I also have some of the best relationships that i've been fortunate to witness in my family but especially when I spent so many years single I started to worry that maybe it was hereditary and I was doomed to jack up every relationship I attempted. We were strictly friends for 3 years after we met for the first time and I got to know him pretty well, then we dated long term and had nothing to do but talk. I knew exactly what I was looking for and so did he and we laid it ALL on the table. We talked about what our past successes and failures were and I thought it was important to find someone that was able to discuss their past relationships openly and take ownership of our faults in them. It's rarely truly just the 'fault' of one person. It probably also helped that we talked about every single thing we could think of from 'if you get the munchies watching a movie at 11pm would you reach for ice cream, carrots and hummus, doritos, or fruit first' to 'The twins are in high school, how will we handle it if a girlfriend ends up pregnant' and everything in between. There really hasn't been a scenario that we've faced where I was completely surprised by his reaction or the plan he thought was best. We've got a lot of differences but we're on the same page when it matters and if we're not we're able to sit down and discuss it without anger which is completely opposite of our first marriages. It seems like it's been kind of easy so far so I kind of feel like i'm waiting for life to punch us in the face. When I sit here and reflect I guess it hasn't been a cakewalk, we've dealt with blending our families and the issues that come with it, issues with his daughter coping with him being married, a death in the family that nearly crippled me, lots of unexpected travel on my part dealing with my mothers health, he was horribly ill and they weren't sure he would still be here at this point and as a result he's been out of work since October. I'm sure there is smaller stuff, but those stand out for sure. It's been 'work' but not strenuous if that makes sense. I'm a firm believer in surrounding yourself with the people you want to be more like and this board is a great resource to learn from when it comes to keeping a marriage happy and healthy for the long term. Honestly I don't have a lot of that in my life locally so I appreciate you responding and sharing what you think some of the tips are, i'll soak it up any chance I can get!
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Post by papersilly on Jul 7, 2015 20:28:56 GMT
I am going on 25 years married. more than 1/2 my life.
we make our marriage the priority. some people, it's their kids. we don't have kids so we can't hide a bad marriage behind the kids. I know people who do this. they are in for a rude awakening when the kids are out of the house and it's just the 2 of them. for other people, it's their job or career. for others it's themselves. each of us is strong individually but together we are stronger.
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Post by snappinsami on Jul 7, 2015 20:29:11 GMT
I have been married for 26 years. Marriage is about compromise--not all my way or his way. We are a team and have to work together. Do we always agree? No, and sometimes we have to do things out of love for each other. For instance, I may not like a certain restaurant but I make reservations and we go because it's what he enjoys. He then does the same for me. It's a give and take and understanding that neither of us are perfect. I haven't read all of the responses yet, but this one really struck a chord with me. DH and I celebrated our 23rd anniversary in January. Is our relationship perfect? Of course not. Do we agree on everything all the time? Duh, no. But as Patter said, it's about compromise. Anyone who goes into ANY relationship thinking they'll always get their way or convince their partner to give in just to keep them happy is doomed to be miserable. As others have said, I think some people go into relationships/marriages thinking, "Eh, those things about him/her bother me, but I'll be able to change them." Nope. Maybe short-term, but not long. Divorce is commonplace these days, and many do feel that if it doesn't work out, oh well. We'll get divorced. I also think people are sometimes quick to give up rather than do the difficult work that is necessary to make any relationship work. Before they even get there, though, many people are in love with the idea of being in love, and are more focused on the wedding than that marriage and life that comes after it. After going through that excitement, real life can be something of a letdown. In the end, marriage is HARD. The good parts are wonderful, but realistically there will be difficult times too, and if someone isn't willing to work at it, their marriage will struggle.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Jul 7, 2015 20:29:16 GMT
"I know a few people who's second marriage failed quickly. I've actually heard the divorce rate for second marriages is higher than first - something about no longer fearing the divorce process or realizing that the things that aren't working aren't going to change, there's also less likely to be young children people are staying together for" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This. We have a friend that was married the 1st time for 17 yrs, the 2nd time for 2 yrs. I think it was because he knew he could find another women, knew he could now live on his own, and she did too. And so they didn't put a whole lot of work in to the 2nd one and got divorced.
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