flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Aug 24, 2015 16:21:34 GMT
"Absolutely, honey! I will be available to help you clean your room when we are finished cleaning out the refrigerator together!" No bitching. No getting mad. No sarcasm. Just a simply stated fact. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Yep yep & yep.
So far as the teenager thing goes, I think this is pretty normal for a teen - leavemealone leavemealong leavemealone helpmewiththis - it's annoying and frustrating and makes you want to bang your head on the wall.
As for the husband thing, I have no advice. I hope you're able to get it figured out soon, though. I would not be able to function with the unknown.
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imsirius
Prolific Pea
Call it as I see it.
Posts: 7,661
Location: Floating in the black veil.
Jul 12, 2014 19:59:28 GMT
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Post by imsirius on Aug 24, 2015 16:58:02 GMT
I haven't commented before now but have read the whole thread. Your last update made me feel like I need to say something.
1) I believe your DH is either having an affair with a woman every Friday and his "friend" is covering for him (or he is using him as an excuse and friend may not even be aware)
2) Friend and DH are in a more intimate relationship than he is willing to admit. This is a hard one to swallow but a possibility in the descriptions of their actions. 3) You are a doormat. You need to stand up for yourself! Do not pussyfoot around, that will get you nowhere. You need to confront him ASAP about why it's so important to him to have this "bro date" weekly. You need to tell him he needs to come clean and step up. Your son is treating you the exact same way he feels your DH does. Your son will not change his tune UNTIL you do something with your DH and why should DH change? He has it great at home being waited on and not having to deal with his kids or spend time with his wife. For him to "get mad at you" for disciplining your DS is RIDICULOUS! If my DH did that, I'd be all over HIM as well. You are a team or should be. .
Lastly, you need to get yourself to a counsellor and quick! You need some self esteem and some of your sanity back. You cannot do this alone and your DH should be helping out and working WITH you and not against you but he doesn't because you are allowing it to go on. You are burying your head in the sand and it's not helping anyone. You need to decided once and for all if you want change or you want to live this way forever.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I had a friend with a story very similar to yours and things didn't go well for her. I am hoping for a better outcome for you!
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Aug 24, 2015 19:03:49 GMT
I haven't commented before now but have read the whole thread. Your last update made me feel like I need to say something.
1) I believe your DH is either having an affair with a woman every Friday and his "friend" is covering for him (or he is using him as an excuse and friend may not even be aware)
2) Friend and DH are in a more intimate relationship than he is willing to admit. This is a hard one to swallow but a possibility in the descriptions of their actions. 3) You are a doormat. You need to stand up for yourself! Do not pussyfoot around, that will get you nowhere. You need to confront him ASAP about why it's so important to him to have this "bro date" weekly. You need to tell him he needs to come clean and step up. Your son is treating you the exact same way he feels your DH does. Your son will not change his tune UNTIL you do something with your DH and why should DH change? He has it great at home being waited on and not having to deal with his kids or spend time with his wife. For him to "get mad at you" for disciplining your DS is RIDICULOUS! If my DH did that, I'd be all over HIM as well. You are a team or should be. .
Lastly, you need to get yourself to a counsellor and quick! You need some self esteem and some of your sanity back. You cannot do this alone and your DH should be helping out and working WITH you and not against you but he doesn't because you are allowing it to go on. You are burying your head in the sand and it's not helping anyone. You need to decided once and for all if you want change or you want to live this way forever.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I had a friend with a story very similar to yours and things didn't go well for her. I am hoping for a better outcome for you!
Don't worry about being too harsh. Someone (and others have said it) had to say it like it is. This very thing hit me like a brick yesterday. It must've been having gotten the college thing done and now I can finally look at things as they've been for too long. I have a history of letting people treat me like crap. My brother did it, DH did it, my DD, my sister and now my son. Nobody deserves that. I have tried to keep everyone else happy and forgot about myself.
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Post by chlerbie on Aug 24, 2015 19:11:33 GMT
You sound like you are really miserable. I think sometimes there's just that moment when you realize it, and I think you're there. You need to start standing up for yourself--with everyone in your family, including your sister. You shouldn't have to leave your home to have peace.
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Post by gar on Aug 24, 2015 19:19:08 GMT
Breaking long standing habits is going to be very, very hard BUT you need to do this. You deserve better, really. Think it all through, say it all out loud to Dh and dd and have a plan A and a plan B clear in your mind then follow through depending on how Dh responds. Easy to say, hard to do but truly, its time.
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Post by anniefb on Aug 24, 2015 21:07:02 GMT
Breaking long standing habits is going to be very, very hard BUT you need to do this. You deserve better, really. Think it all through, say it all out loud to Dh and dd and have a plan A and a plan B clear in your mind then follow through depending on how Dh responds. Easy to say, hard to do but truly, its time. Totally agree with this. I really hope you can find the courage to speak out.
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Post by Lexica on Aug 24, 2015 21:21:20 GMT
I haven't read the majority of the replies, but I can feel your frustration just from your original post and the update.
I can see that you have allowed everyone to step on you for a long time, and when you go to change this, they are going to really rebel on you. I had somewhat of that happen with my family. I was beginning to feel taken advantage of and I put my foot down and had everyone move out of my home. It is much more peaceful now. They are all mad at me now, but I'm okay with that. If they cannot have a relationship with me unless it is based on them taking from me, they don't need to have a relationship with me. I'm strong enough to move forward on my own.
I would suggest you get to a counselor as soon as you can. You have multiple issues here, and they are not going to sort out overnight. I think you need to be in a position of strength before you approach your family members. A therapist will help you to get there. Then when you set down some new rules, you will be strong enough to enforce the consequences of noncompliance. You shouldn't have to go on letting your family treat you like this.
As far as your husband and this weekly "date" thing he has going on, I have no idea what to tell you. Just off the top, it sounds really fishy to me. I wouldn't be comfortable with my husband wanting to spend a weekend night (or is it a whole weekend?) with some guy on a regular basis. It sounds like he is putting more effort into that relationship than he is into yours. As far as asking to double date and trying to figure out what is going on with these guys, I really suggest waiting until you are stronger in yourself. Right now, I think you are terrified to ask, and more terrified to get an answer. That's no way to live in a marriage. Start working on loving yourself, then you will be able to command the love and respect you deserve, and have the self confidence to deal with whatever is going on. If this man can't be there for you, there will be another who can.
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Post by mrssmith on Aug 24, 2015 22:45:58 GMT
I would suggest you get to a counselor as soon as you can. You have multiple issues here, and they are not going to sort out overnight. I think you need to be in a position of strength before you approach your family members. A therapist will help you to get there. Then when you set down some new rules, you will be strong enough to enforce the consequences of noncompliance. You shouldn't have to go on letting your family treat you like this. I agree that you should see a counselor on your own ASAP. However, that doesn't mean you can't make any changes now, but you need to talk your personal issues over with someone in order to be in a good position to work on family issues.
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imsirius
Prolific Pea
Call it as I see it.
Posts: 7,661
Location: Floating in the black veil.
Jul 12, 2014 19:59:28 GMT
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Post by imsirius on Aug 25, 2015 0:03:50 GMT
I think as moms and wives, we as women tend to think about every one else first. You're not the first one and won't be the last. I used to do a lot for my kids and my DH too. When I married my DH he worked 16 hour days and I was pretty much doing everything for myself. Then when DS was born, same thing, did most of the work during the week myself. DH would pitch in on the weekends but I would end up saying "Oh it's okay, I have a system" or "No, I will do it, you worked hard all week." DH got a bit used to it and when DD came when our DS was 8, I was pretty much doing everything for the kids and DH because he figured "she's got it under control and doesn't NEED me" Boy was he wrong! I ended up having a mini breakdown because I was too stressed out. My DH was flabbergasted when I expressed that I felt he didn't care or do anything FOR me. HE was upset with me because I never spoke up or ASKED for the help and when he tried to help, I poo poo'd him away. He was right. I didn't ask and I did push him away to do it myself. I shouldn't have and it took that to realize it. I am now in a better place and I tell all of them when I need a hand and they are really good at doing so when I ask. I have also taken time for me and am taking a water fit class. It's lovely. I am sending many positive thoughts your way.
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Post by hop2 on Aug 25, 2015 0:11:32 GMT
I know what you are saying. I definitely do. Sit down and make a plan for how to take care if you. Find what you need for a job, go out and get it. Put yourself first. Set yourself up to make your next move when your ready. Be calm yet firm with DS. If he doesn't do it firmly tell him what consequence there will be if he doesn't. Make your DS ( when pisdible ) set the time table on when it will be competed if it isn't by then consequences calmly quietly.
Best of luck to you.
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scrappinmama
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,885
Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
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Post by scrappinmama on Aug 25, 2015 1:28:32 GMT
Stop saying "I need to." Find the courage to take care of yourself. Is this the way you want to spend the rest of your life? You deserve better. Your show us having an affair. It may not be physical, but is certainly emotional.
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my3freaks
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,206
Location: NH girl living in Colorado
Jun 26, 2014 4:10:56 GMT
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Post by my3freaks on Aug 25, 2015 1:57:28 GMT
I see a few things that need to change quickly. Maybe it's just me, but I thought it was really telling when you said that your son was sitting in the front seat and you were in the back. That should stop. With the lack of respect you already get from him, I feel like that's a kind of confirmation that it's "him & Dad" as the team, not "Mom & Dad" as it should be. You also mentioned that your daughter was back there with you, and she knew the whole situation. She shouldn't. She's not your girlfriend. She knows there are problems in the family, kids aren't blind or dumb, but confiding or venting to them is going to make things worse.
Another thing you might not have thought about, is that your son is watching how your husband treats you, and mirroring it. He is learning how to treat his future wife. If he's being disrespectful and nasty to you now, at 15, how's he going to treat girlfriends down the road?
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Post by crazy4scraps on Aug 25, 2015 3:03:53 GMT
I see a few things that need to change quickly. Maybe it's just me, but I thought it was really telling when you said that your son was sitting in the front seat and you were in the back. That should stop. With the lack of respect you already get from him, I feel like that's a kind of confirmation that it's "him & Dad" as the team, not "Mom & Dad" as it should be. You also mentioned that your daughter was back there with you, and she knew the whole situation. She shouldn't. She's not your girlfriend. She knows there are problems in the family, kids aren't blind or dumb, but confiding or venting to them is going to make things worse. Another thing you might not have thought about, is that your son is watching how your husband treats you, and mirroring it. He is learning how to treat his future wife. If he's being disrespectful and nasty to you now, at 15, how's he going to treat girlfriends down the road? This is all true. My sister is living a nightmare like this and has been for over 40 years. While her husband hasn't cheated (that I know of, it's very possible that he has), she has stayed with an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive jerk wad "because of the kids." All it taught her daughters was to choose losers that treat them badly with no respect, and all it taught her son is how to be an abusive, surly jerk who treats women like crap. It's sad. I keep thinking about you and really hope that you are able to get a sense of yourself back so you can reclaim your life.
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 25, 2015 3:10:23 GMT
At this poiny, I say screw dh and get yourself individual counseling. After a couple of months of that, then tackle the relationship.
I don't see you as strong enough to face this right now and having a good enough outcome.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 3, 2024 6:29:52 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2015 8:38:16 GMT
given OP's constant avoidance to deal with issues, it can be assumed that DH's behavior might be in line with what he perceives of the marriage there is one story so far and OP you are focusing on what is happening TO you which is certainly something you need to address but at the end of the day the behavior you can change the most is yours this is not a blame statement this is a statement about reflecting on the fact a marriage is 2 people and you are one of them in as much as the pendulum is swinging from everyone to blame your DH, it is impossible for it to be only about him and his actions nobody is perfect and for as long as you sit back sifting through everyone else's behavior towards you, you will never get the insight of what your behavior is also contributing if these are people you love, then you will try and find a way to make that effort if you feel you are being treated like a doormat, please ask yourself why
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 3, 2024 6:29:52 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2015 12:16:55 GMT
You can not live like this. Your home is supposed to be a safe haven where you can relax and get away from stress, it's not supposed to be somewhere you want to bolt from and avoid. I'm really worried that you're going to make yourself ill by thinking you have to accept everyones shitty treatment because...well... just because. That way leads to just more misery. Approach your husband about counselling if he won't go with you go alone, learn to stand up and say 'I matter, I count for a hell of a lot in this family and I won't be ignored' If your efforts fall on deaf ears then I think you should seriously consider leaving.
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Post by kraft4fun on Aug 27, 2015 8:09:46 GMT
Counseling for sure and a moving truck for sis.
Sent from my NX008HD8G using proboards
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Aug 29, 2015 14:05:38 GMT
Focus on yourself right now. Figure out what makes you happy and the other things will fall in line.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Aug 29, 2015 14:08:27 GMT
Did he attend his evening with his friend? Have you discussed this since you've been back? He did go out with his friend last night. We're supposed to go to San Diego this morning but we were just to leave by now so not sure of the plans. Part of the plans though (and I can still do it) is to go to breakfast nearby. On the way, I plan to ask him where the guy lives (you know, in case of emergency or whatever). After I know that, I will do a check on a Friday to see if he's there. That will be one piece of the puzzle. I do not plan to confront him yet or show him my hand until I feel confident I know for myself what is going on (if anything). If I talk to him about it and he is up to no good, he will just tell me I'm imagining it or something and then cover his tracks better (as a PP said). I know that's how some of you would handle it and are probably annoyed that I haven't brought it up yet but maybe it's from the previous round, but I want to gather my own info. first and not let on that I'm suspicious. As for a moving truck for sis, that isn't possible at this time.
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Post by roundtwo on Aug 29, 2015 14:23:45 GMT
luvnlifelady, I think you're doing the right thing. You've been through the infidelity thing before, you know how important it is to have your information in hand before they know you suspect anything - the lengths they go to when they move underground is incredible. I hope you are looking after yourself during this time - it is so stressful.
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 29, 2015 15:39:03 GMT
Throw a damn gps in his car before he leaves on Friday and find out where he is.
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Post by destined2bmom on Aug 29, 2015 16:06:07 GMT
I hate to say this; but what if he is just parking his car at his friend's house and then using another car to do his thing? So if you drive by after he has been there for a while and see his car; you may think that he is there. If he's having an affair, he may have thought of this ahead of time, to throw you off.
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 29, 2015 16:15:39 GMT
I hate to say this; but what if he is just parking his car at his friend's house and then using another car to do his thing? So if you drive by after he has been there for a while and see his car; you may think that he is there. If he's having an affair, he may have thought of this ahead of time, to throw you off. I don't think he'd go that far. This has been going on for years and she never questioned him. Whatever he is doing, he has gotten away with it thus far
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Post by Basket1lady on Aug 29, 2015 16:18:52 GMT
Did he attend his evening with his friend? Have you discussed this since you've been back? He did go out with his friend last night. We're supposed to go to San Diego this morning but we were just to leave by now so not sure of the plans. Part of the plans though (and I can still do it) is to go to breakfast nearby. On the way, I plan to ask him where the guy lives (you know, in case of emergency or whatever). After I know that, I will do a check on a Friday to see if he's there. That will be one piece of the puzzle. I do not plan to confront him yet or show him my hand until I feel confident I know for myself what is going on (if anything). If I talk to him about it and he is up to no good, he will just tell me I'm imagining it or something and then cover his tracks better (as a PP said). I know that's how some of you would handle it and are probably annoyed that I haven't brought it up yet but maybe it's from the previous round, but I want to gather my own info. first and not let on that I'm suspicious. As for a moving truck for sis, that isn't possible at this time. Why not go talk to your DH and ask when he's ready to leave? I see that as part of the issue right there. If the plans have changed, you have a right to know. And to have a say about the plans changing! I do think it's a good idea for you to get counseling before there's a big blow up. Your DH sounds like he's only thinking of himself. I don't think you act a certain way for years and then do a 180 and completely change. You will have much better luck if you work on some coping skills, on sticking up for yourself, and some parenting ideas.
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Post by *leslie* on Aug 29, 2015 16:38:34 GMT
Do you have an old iPhone or equivalent that you can sign up on a cheapy plan? You can install a gps app like Find my Friends or Find my iPhone and hide it in his car to find out where he's going.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Aug 30, 2015 4:17:53 GMT
I hate to say this; but what if he is just parking his car at his friend's house and then using another car to do his thing? So if you drive by after he has been there for a while and see his car; you may think that he is there. If he's having an affair, he may have thought of this ahead of time, to throw you off. I did get shown the apartment complex today (you have to be buzzed in or follow someone) so I didn't get the actual # yet. However, the thought you posted crossed my mind tonight. I could drive through the complex to verify his car is there but then like you said, he could either be there or not. I think the next step is counseling. There's more just general junk this weekend (we were out all day together and got along ok but had some moments). We are in definite need of a tune-up. If he won't go, then I will go alone.
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Post by Skellinton on Aug 30, 2015 4:22:25 GMT
I hate to say this; but what if he is just parking his car at his friend's house and then using another car to do his thing? So if you drive by after he has been there for a while and see his car; you may think that he is there. If he's having an affair, he may have thought of this ahead of time, to throw you off. I did get shown the apartment complex today (you have to be buzzed in or follow someone) so I didn't get the actual # yet. However, the thought you posted crossed my mind tonight. I could drive through the complex to verify his car is there but then like you said, he could either be there or not. I think the next step is counseling. There's more just general junk this weekend (we were out all day together and got along ok but had some moments). We are in definite need of a tune-up. If he won't go, then I will go alone. Have you ever been to the friend's apartment? If not, how do you know it is really a guy's apartment? Just because he is going to the same place every weekend doesn't mean it can't be a girlfriend's apartment. Once you have the actual address you need to try to verify who lives there.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Aug 30, 2015 4:23:14 GMT
Can I ask a sincere question? Do you want your life to change or are you just venting? Because you allow this to go on for years and do nothing. Seems like when all is said and done, you don't want to make the changes. The bro-date has not been going on for years. It's a fairly recent thing, maybe 6 months or so. The guy was a contractor in Afghanistan not that long ago so I'm sure it hasn't been years. I do want things to change, absolutely. However, some things, like my sister, cannot be changed. We need her rent $ and she literally has nowhere else to go. Believe me, if we didn't need her $, she'd be gone yesterday whether she had a place or not. Also, I do not want to react to something unless I have all the facts/evidence. If I come out with guns blazing that he's cheating, that will just make me look unbalanced. There are definite issues that need remedied along with parenting issues and I do plan to seek counseling for us/myself as soon as I get back to work Monday (I've been out a month due to school being closed). Kaiser mental health sucks so I will probably have to pay out of pocket, but we've done that before so this will be worth it.
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