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Post by Heart on Aug 7, 2015 21:51:57 GMT
So I don't have a good relationship with my mother. It could be easily summed up as "tumultuous" and we've gone through several year long or longer spells of not speaking.
We manage to hurt each other a lot and one or both of us always seems offended by something the other said, did or inferred.
These problems did not happen overnight but they do get magnified and blown up over what I call "terminal cases of stupid-mouth". We have both been equally guilty of this affliction.
We have been very slowly trying to rebuild our relationship over the past 6 months to a year, after a disastrous blowout about 2 years ago that involved my husband driving 500 miles in the middle of the night to retrieve my daughter who was staying with her on vacation.
The conversations we have are all light and superficial, but they are better than nothing. Neither of us is good at dealing with the real problems between us, so we have ignored them and tried to like each other. I am surprised to know that my mom admires me. I admire her, but I am never certain if I *LIKE* her.
She was admitted to the hospital yesterday for suspected pneumonia. I jokingly told my husband that if anyone can get pneumonia in Arkansas in AUGUST, it would be my mother. (She has notoriously bad luck.)
Somehow between last night and this morning, they decided it isn't pneumonia, and a search for whatever it IS started. They did a bunch of tests and they think my mother, who quit smoking 16 years ago, has lung cancer- or a cancer that has severely damaged her lungs.
Despite all our problems, I love my mother.
I am more than a little scared and I am far away from her. I feel intense and immense guilt that I am not closer to her, and I feel this awful pressure to make it better right away because I may not have much time left. On the phone, my mom was talking that no matter what the diagnosis is, she wants to spend as much time as possible with her loved ones and she might make a break for it to go visit (insert a lot of old friends and family).
My brothers who live near her are saying that it looks bad, but that we won't know anything definite until Monday at the earliest and right now we have to wait. Mom wants to go home from the hospital, and is generally being difficult (which is sort of typical) - but for the first time in a long time, it's not annoying. It's a stab to the heart because I am not there and I really couldn't take time off from work any earlier than late next week.
I am trying not to lose it,and am failing pretty badly.
H/Lo
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,792
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on Aug 7, 2015 21:56:54 GMT
I can feel your sadness in your post. It brings tears to my eyes. All I can offer is cyber hugs. No matter what happens in life, she is still your mom and you will always love her.
Life is short, don't wait to tell her that.
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Post by hop2 on Aug 7, 2015 21:58:33 GMT
I'm sorry your dealing with this all. {{{hugs}}}
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Post by disneypal on Aug 7, 2015 21:59:12 GMT
I'm sorry. It is hard news to hear that your mother is ill and I'm sure it is even tougher, given your difficult relationship. ((HUGS))
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moodyblue
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,179 
Location: Western Illinois
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Aug 7, 2015 21:59:42 GMT
I can only imagine how many emotions you must have rolling around right now.
Somehow, it's always a shock to realize there might not be a lot more time with someone, and it puts a different spin on all kinds of things.
Sounds like it's going to take a few days to nail down what her situation actually is. One of our school secretaries is going through this right now with her husband who was just diagnosed with lung cancer - and while cancer is never good, they are getting news that it might not be as bad as feared. I hope that's the case for your mom. Maybe you can go visit once the diagnosis is finalized and a treatment plan is formed. That might help you feel like you're doing something positive.
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georgiapea
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,846
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Post by georgiapea on Aug 7, 2015 22:02:56 GMT
I really feel for the confusion you must be feeling right now. I always described my relationship with my mother as "tenuous at best" and it was very difficult to see her in her later years and not feel as close to her as I knew I should. It all went back to when she would walk out of the room when my father hit me, so I never felt I could count on her. But as an adult I wouldn't let go of my position and accept that she was as afraid of him as I was.
I hope you can go and see your mom really soon and are able to let old hurts be put aside.
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Post by straggler on Aug 7, 2015 22:05:11 GMT
I am sorry this is happening. Hopefull it is treatable and you have many good days with her.
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Post by Miss Lerins Momma on Aug 7, 2015 22:07:06 GMT
(hugs) that has to be so tough!
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Post by jumperhop on Aug 7, 2015 22:10:53 GMT
Oh no, I am so sorry. That is terrifying. Prayers for you and your Mom.
Keep us updated.
Jen
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valleyview
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,816
Jun 27, 2014 18:41:26 GMT
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Post by valleyview on Aug 7, 2015 22:12:42 GMT
Sorry to read this post. I hope that you can both make peace with each other and get through this difficult time with love and respect.
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happymomma
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,078
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Post by happymomma on Aug 7, 2015 22:15:23 GMT
I'm so sorry. My relationship with my mother is almost exactly as you described yours.
Something like this happening is one of my biggest fears.
So I can feel your pain and hope you find some peace in the time she may have left.
Huge hugs.
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Post by heartland on Aug 7, 2015 22:15:22 GMT
(((Hugs))). Even though you can't be with her right now I'm sure she still feels your love and support. I hope that you can go visit her soon and spend some quality time together.
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AnotherPea
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,968
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Post by AnotherPea on Aug 7, 2015 22:15:59 GMT
I am so sorry. I hope you get to spend as much time with her as is possible.
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smginaz Suzy
Pearl Clutcher
Je suis desole.
Posts: 2,606
Jun 26, 2014 17:27:30 GMT
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Post by smginaz Suzy on Aug 7, 2015 22:16:54 GMT
I am dealing with this with my Dad and have my whole life. He is pretty much a jerk. I always say that I love him but I don't like him very much. Now, he was not abusive (but he can be mean, and different people would say it is intentional and others would say it is not intentional) and I do think that for the most part, he has done the best he can.
I have dealt with this by creating very specific boundaries over communication and visits. This has worked for us and has allowed me to maintain a somewhat decent relationship. My stepmom just passed away after a 3 month illness (they were married for almost 40 years), so he has been a bit lost without her to take care of all of his needs.
I had to step up to find him a place to live (and I won't get into why that happened, but it is for good reason and I agreed with the move) and I ended up loaning him money which I *knew* that he would never repay (no matter what he promised). So I made that decision knowing I would not see it back. My call and I own it.
But my anger comes from taking care of someone who has never done that for me as his child. I know why I feel like I do, I know that I will get over it, and now that he is moved, I can restore healthy boundaries and work through it.
But I was very intentional about my visits during my stepmom's illness--I figured that I could not repair the past, but I could take the time to visit more and do things during her illness. I am glad that I did. Don't hold yourself to a standard for the past--decide what you want to make of the next few months or years.
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eastcoastpea
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,252
Jun 27, 2014 13:05:28 GMT
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Post by eastcoastpea on Aug 7, 2015 22:17:34 GMT
Positive vibes being sent. I hope the doctors can come up with a treatment plan that will work for your mom. Hugs.
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Post by tinydogmafia on Aug 7, 2015 22:18:19 GMT
(((Hugs)))
I am very, very sorry. Lots of positive thoughts for your mom and best wishes for the best case scenario.
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,763
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Post by scrapngranny on Aug 7, 2015 22:19:13 GMT
I hope there is better news to follow. Hugs
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Post by jenjie on Aug 7, 2015 22:21:42 GMT
Hugs. I'm so sorry. My suggestion for you for today is this. Don't panic. Take a deep breath and wait to see what the doctor says tomorrow or the next day. In the meantime call your mom and assure her that you love her. Check on her often, send cards and flowers. If the doctor says there isn't an immediate urgency, see about visiting sometime soon when you can make it work.
To be honest, if your relationship is combative or superficial, it may be a bit of a relief to her to have a little bit of time to come to terms with her diagnosis before you arrive. It will give her some time to process her feelings with the people she feels she can be real with. I don't say this to be mean. My relationship with my mother is superficial too. When my dh was diagnosed, She wanted to come immediately and wasn't able to. When she did come it was still superficial.
Understand that no matter what you do, whether you go immediately or wait, whether you stay a few days or a few months, it just might be that in her eyes you should've done it differently. People are weird. And sometimes when they are sick the weirdness is more pronounced. And sometimes it gives them new perspective and helps them get their act together.
God bless you.
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akathy
What's For Dinner?
Still peaing from Podunk!
Posts: 4,546
Location: North Dakota
Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
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Post by akathy on Aug 7, 2015 22:22:04 GMT
I am so sorry, that must be so difficult  You have my prayers. |
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Post by jenjie on Aug 7, 2015 22:24:26 GMT
I like this smginaz Suzy Suzy "Don't hold yourself to a standard for the past--decide what you want to make of the next few months or years" |
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Aug 7, 2015 22:27:17 GMT
((((hugs))))
I can tell from your post that you love your mother.
It's okay to not always like someone, and to not always get along, and still love them.
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bayoulj
Shy Member
Posts: 30
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Post by bayoulj on Aug 7, 2015 22:28:01 GMT
I totally understand where you are coming from .. I lost my mother last nov.... Most of those years we weren't on speaking terms ... Occasional run into... Always polite.... But like I told every one who knew me and her and our relationship.... She was here when I came into this world... So I wanted to be there when she left this one... Didn't matter what happen in all those years ... What mattered ..her child was with her ...
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Post by k8smom on Aug 7, 2015 22:29:54 GMT
Your story is verrrrry similar to my story regarding my relationship with my mother; she passed away 4 years ago this month. I was heartbroken, ashamed, devastated and completely flattened when she passed away unexpectedly because we were in one of our no- speaking phases. I was hurt / angry over the last mean thing she'd done, and it was mean. But... I am not mean, and I felt/feel horrible that even though I'd adopted an "it is what it is" attitude regarding my mom and her behavior, I'd not risen above the latest issue and been there for her in the end. I was staunching clinging to the mindset that "I'm the child in this relationship" when... let's face it... I haven't been a child in decades. She was wrong, I was wrong. We were linked by blood but never really understood each other and that was no more my fault than it was hers. It is one of my life's biggest regrets. I kick myself now and think "How hard would have it been to just go with the flow?" I always held a grudge against her because she didn't measure up to the mom I wanted her to be that all my friends seem to have, instead of just loving her for who she was. And I think she knew it.
My advice is do whatever you can do now so that you don't to carry around the guilt that I do. Hugs to you.
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Post by magentapea on Aug 7, 2015 22:32:09 GMT
I am so sorry. It is evident in your post that you are hurting deeply. Prayers for both of you.
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caro
Drama Llama
Refupea 1130
Posts: 5,222
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Post by caro on Aug 7, 2015 22:34:57 GMT
I'm sorry. Don't look back at past hurts but try to look forward with love. Hugs.
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Post by peasapie on Aug 7, 2015 22:46:14 GMT
I'm so impressed with how well and accurately you expressed your feelings about this. I wish I could do that more often. I think it's the most important step towards moving forward.
I battled with my mom for years. I think it was her fault. She thought it was mine. Who knows where the truth was. Toward the end our disagreements led us to a silence I initiated that lasted for years ... and then she suffered a stroke that was the beginning of a quick decline from Alzheimers. For a while, I blamed myself. Eventually I accepted that there was no fault on either end - we just didn't speak the same life language, and it got in the way. I wish we had been a better mother-daughter fit, but, well, we weren't.
I was there for her through the final years of her life, though, and that was a blessing for me. That's all we can do, you know? The best we can with what we know and what we have. Talk to her on the phone and let her know you love her. See her when you can. It will be good for your soul to take care of her. And it does help to make it better. You deserve that.
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Post by Heart on Aug 7, 2015 23:54:14 GMT
Thanks to each and every one of you that has responded to me. Your encouragement and prayers are deeply and greatly appreciated. I've talked to my brothers who live close several times today and they've gotten some more bad news, and of course my mother wants to go home for the weekend because there's nothing they can do until Monday.
Her breathing is bad enough that the staff at the hospital are worried about her going home and being able to get help fast enough for it to matter. My brothers THINK they have convinced her to stay at the hospital until Monday, but she's stubborn enough that she might just leave anyway.
No one ever wants to lose their mother, but she is SO young, and this is so hard for me.
I am still working through this. I will be saving this thread and reading it again when I have tough moments in the future. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
H/Lo
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Post by lostwithout2peas on Aug 8, 2015 0:18:19 GMT
I am so very sorry this is happening to you. I went thru a similar situation 4 years ago when my dad was admitted to the hospital after a vacation in Hawaii. I had been on the outs with him for awhile. To be honest on the ins and outs with him for years. I was like you in the fact that I wasn't very sure I liked him as a person.
Well when I heard he was in the hospital I dropped everything and went to his side. 2 days later he was diagnosed with leukemia. For the next year as he battled leukemia I gave up allot of the unrealistic expectations I had of him and realized he was never gonna be the father I wanted him to be. I forgave him for everything, even though he did now ask for forgiveness and was in fact still claiming no fault in issues we had. It was the most freeing thing ever! I was able to just love my dad for who he was and our relationship flourished and was no longer strained. My kids got to know and be comfortable around their grampa.
He only lasted 1 year from diagnosis to his leaving us. The last few months where bitter sweet. I had the relationship I wanted with him and now he was leaving me. I felt guilty for the wasted time, but I am glad for the time I had with him.
I'm praying for you and your mother.
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Post by jenb72 on Aug 8, 2015 1:04:24 GMT
I found out my mother had cancer on a Friday night. She died the following Monday, after three days in the hospital where she was barely conscious most of the time. I say that to say, this - do what you can, when you can, however you can, to let her know how you feel about her.
I'm so very sorry you're both going through this. Cancer sucks.
Jen
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 21, 2024 7:10:37 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2015 1:07:11 GMT
Sending good thoughts your way.
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You have my prayers.
