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Post by beachbum on Aug 20, 2015 17:37:01 GMT
Here's the bare facts - DD is getting married in December. Neither she nor I still live in the town where she grew up and we both still have many friends living there. She is planning a small wedding (the venue only holds 75-80 people, that will be mostly family). We will both be back in the hometown for a family wedding next month. A family friend nows that we will be there and wants to host a party/shower for DD. Since only 3 of her friends (bridesmaids) and 2 long-time family friends (1 is the one that wants to host the party) are invited to the wedding that live in this town... should anyone else be invited? I know some people who might be upset that they didn't get to see DD when she's in town, but she's only going to be there for 2 days, so this party may be the only chance to see people, she'll be tied up with her cousin's wedding. Help!!
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Post by JustCallMeMommy on Aug 20, 2015 17:52:46 GMT
I think the host should plan it as a party rather than a shower. She could even request no gifts, though you know people will bring gifts anyway. IMO, there is no etiquette question at that point.
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Post by lucyg on Aug 20, 2015 18:15:13 GMT
I think the host should plan it as a party rather than a shower. She could even request no gifts, though you know people will bring gifts anyway. IMO, there is no etiquette question at that point. I wouldn't bring a gift to a party that requested no gifts. If people do, then everyone else ends up embarrassed ... host, guest of honor, other guests who respected the wishes of the host. OP, I think it's fine to host a shower and invite people who won't be invited to the wedding, under these long-distance circumstances. The hostess could include a note explaining that the wedding will be held out of state and will be very small, if that would make people feel better. Or she could just call it a party, cocktail party, luncheon, whatever, in honor of the bride, and then people can bring gifts if they feel like it. I would not say "no gifts please" unless you really mean it. And then I would expect people to honor your wishes. |
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julieb
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,845 
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Post by julieb on Aug 20, 2015 18:33:07 GMT
I personally would never invite someone to a bridal or wedding shower that wasn't invited to the wedding, long distance or not.
I do think that these types of situations are handled differently in different regions of the US.
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Post by justkat on Aug 20, 2015 18:38:38 GMT
According to "proper etiquette" the answer is no. Only those whom have been invited to the actual wedding should be invited to the shower. However it seems that fewer and fewer people care about etiquette.  I'd suggest, as have other refupeas, that you have a simple party or dinner in honour of your daughter. People could choose to bring gifts or not yet still be able to celebrate. Maybe have a nice brunch that everyone could attend, relax and celebrate while not worrying about gifts/games etc? |
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Post by originalvanillabean on Aug 20, 2015 18:50:40 GMT
I like the party idea.
And these people who may be upset because they don't get to see your daughter - how close of a relationship do they have with her? I would think if they are close, she would be inviting them, if not, no?
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georgiapea
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,846
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Post by georgiapea on Aug 20, 2015 19:59:50 GMT
Could the hostess invite people to a party for the visiting friend (your DD) and just have her announce her engagement during the evening? Then no one would be expected to bring a gift.
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Post by littlemama on Aug 20, 2015 20:02:29 GMT
I would not invite people to a shower who are not invited to the wedding. She can send wedding announcements after the fact.
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Post by Miss Lerins Momma on Aug 20, 2015 20:09:08 GMT
Yep, just have a party, not a shower. That way no ones feelings get hurt!
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Post by beachbum on Aug 20, 2015 21:58:49 GMT
This is a small southern town, where she lived until she went away to college. Her father was born there and lived there until he retired and we moved, (I moved there in HS), there are a lot of friends remaining there for all of us. DD wants a small wedding, and chose the venue with that in mind. There are many people who would like to see DD while she's in town - if the wedding were held in that town they would all have been invited, but this fall will be her last semester of grad school, her fiancé's family lives close to where they live now - so they decided to have the wedding where they are living. Guess I'll just talk to the friend who's hosting and see what she thinks. Thanks for all your input. I don't want anyone's feelings to be hurt, most know it's going to be a small wedding.
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Post by mnmloveli on Aug 20, 2015 23:44:28 GMT
Like quite a few Peas posted above, if not invited to the Wedding, should not be invited to a shower. It looks like you're looking for a gift. I think someone mentioned above just having a get together because your daughter will be in town sounds like a good idea. No mentioning of wedding/shower, so no gifts.
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Post by lucyg on Aug 21, 2015 1:50:45 GMT
You don't have to have a party for her with no mention of the wedding. It is perfectly well-mannered to give a party in honor of the upcoming nuptials that isn't a shower.
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Post by RiverIsis on Aug 21, 2015 4:35:20 GMT
Well, when I got married a bazillion years ago (ok 25) we had a 2nd reception because there was no way everyone could/would attend the wedding in another country. I think this is slightly on par with that. I think people get it and are more pleased that you want to see them and have them be a part of it even in a small way. Don't have to have a shower. Just a brunch or luncheon or cocktail party to celebrate Bride's upcoming nuptials.
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Why
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,137
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Post by Why on Aug 21, 2015 4:44:26 GMT
When I got married (long ago) the rules did not seem so strict or maybe the people I knew just paid no attention to them  Here is a link that gives you some reasons and also some wording if you do want to do this. I think it really depends on how "by the book" your friends are. theetiquettespot.com/bridal-shower-invitation-wording-private-wedding |
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Post by scrappychick on Aug 21, 2015 4:53:30 GMT
Have a casual party, no need for gifts.
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