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Post by Really Red on Nov 22, 2015 20:31:46 GMT
Just venting here. I'm a single parent with two kids in college and another in high school. I am overwhelmed. My sister has a TON of money. Her DH is CFO of a large corporation and gets a 50% bonus, which is more than twice what I make in one year. My sister is FABULOUS. She is really perfect, but when I say I can't afford things, she says she understands, but expects me to pay half of whatever present she's getting (I can say no). I have bought my own presents in the past, but this year, my brother (who is also very well off) wants something special and it is a good and needed present. Do not even get into adults giving each other presents. I have said more than once I want to stop, but I am the only one who feels that way and you know what? My siblings are incredible. If this is the price to pay, then I pay it. But AARGH!! I don't know why everyone thinks the single person should pay the same amount as the couple! I have to shop for her three kids AND their spouses. I don't give them birthday presents anymore, but they are all together at Christmas and so I give. I would pay 1/3rd willingly. And probably if I suggested it, she'd say fine, but it's so petty and I am not going to do it. That's why this is just a stinking vent. I'm not going to change things, but I don't have a husband to complain to  so you are the next best things. This has been a PSA on behalf of single people paying half the cost of things. Thank you for listening  Update with Additional Information (sometimes it gets too buried!) I am well aware I could say something to both of my siblings and they would totally do what I asked. The thing is though that they enjoy this gift giving more than anything. They love it. They do so much for me all the time (they came to my girls' graduation, etc.), that this is my gift to them. To continue this gift giving even though I do not love it. I would not bankrupt myself, not put myself into debt. My brother didn't ask us for this, but my niece is living with him and knows he'd love it (he will). And yes, I'd love to suggest the niece go in with her mom on this one, but for some reason, the adult nieces do not give to their aunts and uncles! They don't have a lot of money, though. I really am not asking what to do. I've decided what I'm doing. I just want to vent in a safe space! |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2015 20:36:48 GMT
but expects me to pay half of whatever present she's getting Who is the present for? I don't go in with other people to buy presents, I give what I can give or spend what I can spend and that's it. Say you can't afford it and mean it. |
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Post by christine58 on Nov 22, 2015 20:40:05 GMT
If you go in with her and her DH..ask to pay 1/3. I do it...why should I pay half when there's two of them??
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Post by Basket1lady on Nov 22, 2015 20:45:39 GMT
I really do think the couple should pay as one person. If it's a gift from the kids to the parents, I'd expect to pay 1/3. Not 1/5. If you and your sister are giving to your brother, that's 1/2.
HOWEVER, and this is a big however, the disproportionate incomes would make me pause. And I'd say that I was kicking in $50 to my brother or $100 for my parents. And that's it. If they want to give a gift that is expensive, fine. But I'd just flat out say what your budget is and pay only that.
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akathy
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Post by akathy on Nov 22, 2015 20:48:37 GMT
I would just start doing my own gifts and not participate in group gifts.
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marimoose
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Post by marimoose on Nov 22, 2015 20:58:30 GMT
The only way thos can change is for you to say something AND I know this is difficult but it has to be hard to enjoy the holidays if you are struggling and overwhelmed by the costs of the gifts. This isn't what the holidays are supposed to be about. Maybe your sister and brother really don't really how tight things are for you. Speak up and hopefully you will be pleasantly surprised. {{hugs}}
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Post by smalltowngirlie on Nov 22, 2015 21:05:03 GMT
If your sister and brother are as good as you say then be honest with them. Tell you you love the idea, but can only give X amount towards the gift. If they are not happy with that then say you will buy your own because you need to stick to a budget.
When it came to gifts for my siblings we were always honest with each other. If we could not afford something we said so and everyone understood.
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Post by mom on Nov 22, 2015 21:10:22 GMT
If your sister and brother are as good as you say then be honest with them. Tell you you love the idea, but can only give X amount towards the gift. If they are not happy with that then say you will buy your own because you need to stick to a budget. When it came to gifts for my siblings we were always honest with each other. If we could not afford something we said so and everyone understood. I think this is great advice. |
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GiantsFan
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Post by GiantsFan on Nov 22, 2015 21:20:55 GMT
Honestly, I would not do gifts for the adults, except for your parents. Get the kids something and that's it. Of course I'm one of those people who think gift giving has gotten way of of hand.
And if you do go in on a gift, I think the split should be per family unit as opposed to per person. So three ways, not five.
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Mystie
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Post by Mystie on Nov 22, 2015 21:24:50 GMT
If your sister and brother are as good as you say then be honest with them. Tell you you love the idea, but can only give X amount towards the gift. If they are not happy with that then say you will buy your own because you need to stick to a budget. When it came to gifts for my siblings we were always honest with each other. If we could not afford something we said so and everyone understood. I agree. I would never, never ask my siblings to contribute more than they were able. We have some income disparity in my family, and we solve that by not buying gifts for the other adults, among the sibs and sibs-in-law. (Mom and Dad still get gifts because they're awesome, but we don't do a chip-in.) I know it's hard to broach the topic, but you have the right to do what is best for your own financial and emotional health at the holidays. |
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Post by anxiousmom on Nov 22, 2015 21:29:26 GMT
I thought this was going to be a 'I can't possibly complete with the gifts that my ex husband give the kids' vent and I was going to fully and whole heartedly agree and validate you. I am beyond broke and well into broken and I am not even on the same planet as what my ex can afford.  (Not that I don't validate you on your issue, I do. We draw names and have an absurdly low dollar amount for the gift so this doesn't happen in my family. Lately, enough people are broke that my mom stepped in and said there should be a moratorium on gifts for the sibs/sibspouses.) |
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mallie
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Post by mallie on Nov 22, 2015 21:37:42 GMT
We stopped making joint gifts for my husband's parents due to issues with one of his sisters and money matters. She was fond of coming up with the idea, which was always super expensive. Not going to be bore you with the details, but we eventually said, "Hey, we're going to be buying our own gifts for the parents from now on." That was it. Over and done. SIL bitched and moaned, but 20 years later, no one remembers it.
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marimoose
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Post by marimoose on Nov 22, 2015 22:01:42 GMT
I thought this was going to be a 'I can't possibly complete with the gifts that my ex husband give the kids' vent and I was going to fully and whole heartedly agree and validate you. I am beyond broke and well into broken and I am not even on the same planet as what my ex can afford. (Not that I don't validate you on your issue, I do. We draw names and have an absurdly low dollar amount for the gift so this doesn't happen in my family. Lately, enough people are broke that my mom stepped in and said there should be a moratorium on gifts for the sibs/sibspouses.) Gotta love Mom for being the one to step in and I am sure is surely appreciated by most. |
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 22, 2015 22:10:17 GMT
When my b and sil had their 2nd kid (so we both have 2) I suggested we quit doing gifts for each other. It seemed silly to purchase gifts when we could take the money and go out and buy it ourselves.
I don't do expensive group gifts. With your situation, I think it is rude of the sister to even suggest it and you need to say something. By not saying something you are saying this is a tradition I want to continue.
I think your siblings will understand more than you think.
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Post by 950nancy on Nov 22, 2015 22:15:40 GMT
If the other families are as well off as presented (and I am sure they are), it would seem like they can get what they want when they want. Perhaps, you can all get together and get your parents a gift together to appease the siblings, but the other adults could do a $20 maximum white elephant or something similar gift exchange. That way it could still be fun to open A gift, but not so much money. This kind of reminded me of an episode of Friends where Joey and Monica didn't have the same income as the other four friends.
ETA: We bought gifts for nine nieces and nephews for years. Ten years later, we had two kids and the other families decided that was too many nieces and nephews to buy for. Sometimes things just are what they are.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Nov 22, 2015 22:56:59 GMT
I'm single too and it can get tough.. I make the least amount of money of any of my siblings. There are two of us who are single, my sister is a widow, and she is quite comfortable, her kids are grown etc. So I am the only one who can't always chip in as much as couples we have resolved this by doing a couple of things.
1. If people want to purchase something.. ie. we just gave my sister a hot air balloon trip for her birthday. (her DH said he would chip in whatever the siblings didn't pay) So I said I'll put in $30. I had already purchased a small gift for my sister. I know others put in closer to $100. I don't feel bad I paid what I could afford.
2. For my Dad, my Mom is gone we take turns. So one of my siblings buys a gift from the whole family, on Christmas, Father's Day and Birthday. So each person only has to buy a gift every other year and you can spend what you are comfortable with. I figure what I would have spent over the two years and make that my budget, others don't. My Dad doesn't care, and everyone is happy to not have to worry about it, and not try and transfer money around. We will also throw in baby gifts, and graduations gifts into the rotation. So we are never transferring money.
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calgal08
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Post by calgal08 on Nov 22, 2015 23:31:01 GMT
I would just start doing my own gifts and not participate in group gifts.  Plus, I must be missing something, your brother is well off, yet he's requested an expensive gift? Why? If it's something he wants and needs and he has $$ then why the heck doesn't he just buy it himself? I have a hard time with an adult requesting a gift, let alone an expensive one. To me a gift is exactly that, a gift, and not something someone asks you to buy for them. |
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Post by anxiousmom on Nov 22, 2015 23:34:00 GMT
I thought this was going to be a 'I can't possibly complete with the gifts that my ex husband give the kids' vent and I was going to fully and whole heartedly agree and validate you. I am beyond broke and well into broken and I am not even on the same planet as what my ex can afford. (Not that I don't validate you on your issue, I do. We draw names and have an absurdly low dollar amount for the gift so this doesn't happen in my family. Lately, enough people are broke that my mom stepped in and said there should be a moratorium on gifts for the sibs/sibspouses.) Gotta love Mom for being the one to step in and I am sure is surely appreciated by most. It was. Even though we were drawing names so responsible for only one sibling/sibling spouse gift when my mama stepped in, it was definitely welcomed by us all. My parents are amazing and buy for us kids, so we all still get a pretty darn amazing Christmas. And my parents are scrupulously fair, with all of our gifts equaling about the same dollar amount. The one thing that she does differently than a lot of families is that she gives the grandchildren money-and they all get the same amount. She says that she wants us parents to be the ones that get the credit for the magic at Christmas. The kids love to get cash, and we parents appreciate that she doesn't want to 'steal our thunder' as it were. I am SO lucky to have my family. |
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Post by bdawnb on Nov 23, 2015 1:17:30 GMT
I have three sisters, all single. I am not. One has childen at home, one makes really good money, the other one really struggles. Occasionally they will come up with a gift that is pretty expensive for my parents and as much as I'd love to give my parents the world, I still have to say "here is what I can contribute" We have a budget and that is just it. It is irrelevant what my bank balance is, we stick to the budget we set. I know you said you are just venting and nothing will change, but it just seems very unfair for them to ask you to pitch in equally or ask for an expensive gift when the incomes are so different.
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bethany102399
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Post by bethany102399 on Nov 23, 2015 1:37:59 GMT
I would be up front. This is what I can pay and leave it at that.
We had to do that with DH's siblings, 2 of whom make way more than us. His mother's birthday is like 2 days after Christmas which means her gift is usually purchased and shipped with their Christmas gifts. I've gotten phone calls on Christmas day saying we want to get x for nana and you owe north of 100 bucks for it. Um no, I shipped her gift when I shipped everything else. I just can't operate that way.
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Post by librarylady on Nov 23, 2015 2:03:22 GMT
If your sister and brother are as good as you say then be honest with them. Tell you you love the idea, but can only give X amount towards the gift. If they are not happy with that then say you will buy your own because you need to stick to a budget. |
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Post by littlemama on Nov 23, 2015 2:13:22 GMT
Group gifts are usually split by families, regardless of size. If you can't afford what the others want to do, then you either don't go in on that gift, or you tell them how much you can contribute and ask if they want you involved under those circumstances.
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Post by beanbuddymom on Nov 23, 2015 2:18:39 GMT
Just venting here. I'm a single parent with two kids in college and another in high school. I am overwhelmed. My sister has a TON of money. Her DH is CFO of a large corporation and gets a 50% bonus, which is more than twice what I make in one year. My sister is FABULOUS. She is really perfect, but when I say I can't afford things, she says she understands, but expects me to pay half of whatever present she's getting (I can say no). I have bought my own presents in the past, but this year, my brother (who is also very well off) wants something special and it is a good and needed present.Do not even get into adults giving each other presents. I have said more than once I want to stop, but I am the only one who feels that way and you know what? My siblings are incredible. If this is the price to pay, then I pay it. But AARGH!! I don't know why everyone thinks the single person should pay the same amount as the couple! I have to shop for her three kids AND their spouses. I don't give them birthday presents anymore, but they are all together at Christmas and so I give. I would pay 1/3rd willingly. And probably if I suggested it, she'd say fine, but it's so petty and I am not going to do it. That's why this is just a stinking vent. I'm not going to change things, but I don't have a husband to complain to , so you are the next best things. This has been a PSA on behalf of single people paying half the cost of things. Thank you for listening Sorry but if your brother is that well off then I doubt there is anything he really "needs"' that he can't afford. I feel like needs are things that one can't afford. I feel bad for you because it looks like you are in a really awful position where you have stated your opinion and they ignore it. I don't know what to say in that situation. I am really hoping DH family decides at Thanksgiving to put a stop to the adult presents because it's ridiculous and none of us are in the position to afford anything. I would love to just say $10 max be creative and call it good but I have the feeling they will balk becuase they love to open lots of stuff - argh. I mean if one of us gets votives and there are 6 of them they will be wrapped - so you have six packages to open. It's ridiculous. On the other hand, I put together these lovely gift baskets last year and they got them handed to them from whoever was playing "santa" handing out presents, looked at the basket, and then put it in the pile with the opened presents. Didn't go through it and see what was in there. So I am kind of like WTF - ?! I hear you about venting to people like us, I really do - I do hope your sister changes her tune though I kind of see how she might not change it. It's so awkward! |
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ellen
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Post by ellen on Nov 23, 2015 3:30:41 GMT
If ever there was a year where you could say to your siblings that you don't have a lot of spare money it is this year. Two kids in college is a huge financial obligation. In our family we scaled back on our extended family shopping just because it became a ridiculous amount of shopping.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Nov 23, 2015 3:47:16 GMT
I'd take the good advice offered here and be up front with your siblings. Tell them how it REALLY is and what you can actually contribute even if it isn't what they think you should give. If they don't like it, stand firm and say that you guess this year you'll be doing your own thing then because you honestly can't afford to do more with two kids in college. They'll be sympathetic and understand or they'll figure something else out, but either way you will end up spending exactly what you can afford.
Ugh, when I was in college myself, my sister would always forward her kid's holiday gift lists to me and they would be loaded with expensive things. Finally I just told her, "Look, we can barely afford GROCERIES. We're not getting your kids designer clothes or shoes." I think she finally got the message!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2015 3:47:47 GMT
Among my inlaws we are all reasonably well off, but we don't like to spend a ton on Christmas gifts for people who don't need anything.
We finally told them we would buy our own gifts and didn't want to do the group gift anymore. There's 6 siblings and they all feel like we owe it to the parents to wow them every year. My DH (the only son) feels differently. Every year we were asked to throw in large amounts of money because his sisters thought we should. And because my parents and inlaws talk, we had to spend the same amount on my parents to spare hurt feelings. Suddenly we're stressing about how much Christmas is costing us.
So now we try to get a meaningful gift that we feel will be special and everyone else does what they want to do.
Your siblings might resent it at first but you could always tell them that you want to start giving gifts on your own, where you control the budget for that.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Nov 23, 2015 4:48:28 GMT
Be honest with them. I had to do it once with coworker's before--I could not go out on lunches (working ones) because I was dead broke. It was humbling but I felt such a relief on not having to make excuses or pretend anymore!
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Post by anniefb on Nov 23, 2015 5:14:45 GMT
I would just start doing my own gifts and not participate in group gifts. Yeah that ^^ |
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tanya2
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Post by tanya2 on Nov 23, 2015 6:42:01 GMT
I have this issue in a way with my brother too - except he's the single one making a smaller income. We come up with a joint gift for my mom - but I split the cost by 3 - me, my dh, & brother. And I try to keep the gift ideas to fit his budget. And since he is single with no kids but buys for my family of 4 I make sure my gift to him is of equal value to what he would spend on all 4 of us. He rarely asks for anything so I gladly am more generous with him
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anniebygaslight
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Post by anniebygaslight on Nov 23, 2015 7:16:02 GMT
Just say no!
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so you are the next best things.
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