raindancer
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by raindancer on Jul 23, 2014 16:17:25 GMT
From years on this board (and thankfully not personal experience) I have felt that the consensus if you know someone is being cheated on is to keep it to yourself and not say anything. So many varied reasons from "what if it isn't true" to "your friend will blame you if they aren't ready to admit it" etc.
Yet on the thread today, the woman who was cheated on is really upset others knew and didn't tell, and others have said the same (And I think that it is a very valid reason to be angry, who wants to be the last to know *that* information!?).
I feel like it's such a mixed message. Having not been there I would hope someone would tell me, but I admit that I feel conflicted over ever telling someone else. For the previously mentioned reasons.
So, do you tell them or not?
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Judy26
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Post by Judy26 on Jul 23, 2014 16:21:19 GMT
I've never been in this position but my thought has always been that I would confront douchebag husband first and tell them I was going to rat them out if they didn't fess up. That is all in theory though. In real life circumstances may change how I would really react.
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Deleted
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Jun 15, 2024 3:59:29 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2014 16:21:26 GMT
I have never understood the "don't tell, it's not your business" philosophy. If it were a friend of mine, and I knew/saw something that was suspicious, I absolutely would tell my friend. ETA: I would not say "Your husband is having an affair." I would say, "I saw this and thought I should tell you."
I can't imagine the double betrayal of not only being cheated on by a spouse but also finding out that others were complicit in it by knowing yet keeping me in the dark.
I couldn't forgive a friend who did that to me.
ETA (again): I wouldn't approach the suspected cheater. It just gives them the upper hand and the chance to prepare excuses to conceal the truth, or worse, to gain a legal or financial edge in a breakup. I would want my friend, not the cheater, to have the element of surprise.
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Post by christine58 on Jul 23, 2014 16:22:23 GMT
I had a friend tell me that my BF was cheating on me...was I devasted..YUP But I was glad she told me. I confronted him and broke it off. I think if you have definitive proof then tell the person being cheated on.
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Post by magentapea on Jul 23, 2014 16:22:37 GMT
Thankfully I have never been in that situation, but I believe that I would tell the cheater that they had X amount of time (a week?) to tell their SO themselves, because after that I would be telling what I knew. I would only tell if I knew for certain, though. For instance, if I saw them out with someone, yes I'd tell, but if it was a rumor, I wouldn't share it as fact (but I would probably tell what I'd heard). I would rather have a friend upset with me but having their eyes open to what was happening than to blindly ignore it and she ends up looking/feeling foolish.
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Post by manda on Jul 23, 2014 16:22:54 GMT
I have revealed two different affairs anonymously. I would do so again in a heartbeat.
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Post by aljack on Jul 23, 2014 16:23:37 GMT
My problem is many people speculate others are cheating and do not have evidence they have seen or heard to verify. They are passing the telephone gossip so to speak. Now in this day and age, it is easy to snap a photo of someone but again, depending on the situation. What if I was out meeting a friend who is male and hugged him? Someone might think it is cheating but has no idea. I try to stay out of those scenarios because the teller usually loses a friend. Also I have friends that often have suspicions but don't really want to know. It is really a case by case analysis.
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scrappert
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Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on Jul 23, 2014 16:24:20 GMT
I think if you have definitive proof then tell the person being cheated on.  I would want to be told. |
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Post by padresfan619 on Jul 23, 2014 16:27:41 GMT
I think a lot of people are afraid of the "shoot the messenger" mentality. Also, there is always the risk that the person will not believe you and it can strain the friendship.
I was in that awkward position once before, I told the cheater she had 24 hours to tell her boyfriend or I would tell him for her. She thought I was bluffing and didn't tell him so I did. It created a rift for a long time between us because he didn't want to believe me. Our friendship wasn't repaired until he finally caught her himself.
Some people simply won't allow themselves to see their SO in a bad light.
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Deleted
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Jun 15, 2024 3:59:29 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2014 16:29:56 GMT
Yet on the thread today, the woman who was cheated on is really upset others knew and didn't tell, and others have said the same (And I think that it is a very valid reason to be angry, who wants to be the last to know *that* information!?). I feel like it's such a mixed message. Having not been there I would hope someone would tell me, but I admit that I feel conflicted over ever telling someone else. For the previously mentioned reasons. So, do you tell them or not? I think it is a case of being damned if you do and damned if you don't. There isn't a right or wrong position and likely no matter which one you choose there will be a period where the wife is angry about it both ways. She'll be angry at those who didn't tell and those who did simply because she is angry. I know when I was told there were very few people I could hear the news from and believe it without being angry at them. I think that relationship is key on how the news is received. A really GOOD close friend is going to be more believable and less likely to elicit the anger response than a casual friend. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2014 16:31:16 GMT
I have never understood the "don't tell, it's not your business" philosophy. If it were a friend of mine, and I knew/saw something that was suspicious, I absolutely would tell my friend. I can't imagine the double betrayal of not only being cheated on by a spouse but also finding out that others were complicit in it by knowing yet keeping me in the dark. I couldn't forgive a friend who did that to me. My ex was a cheater. The "friends" who kept it quiet and did not tell me just compounded the betrayal and pain. |
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Post by bdawnb on Jul 23, 2014 16:36:17 GMT
I had a coworker call me before work one day to tell me my boyfriend had cheated on me with another coworker on a company trip they had just got back from. I wanted to throw up but I was glad he told me. I had known him (coworker) for years and I knew he would not have said anything if he wasn't sure.
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Post by sisterbdsq on Jul 23, 2014 16:36:51 GMT
Having not been there I would hope someone would tell me, but I admit that I feel conflicted over ever telling someone else. For the previously mentioned reasons. So, do you tell them or not? Having been there, I was GRATEFUL to be told. It was by another man who wanted to date me, but whatever. LOL He waffled so much due to guy code, but finally confessed what he knew. I will never forget him for helping me not be blind and prepare for the inevitable. |
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Post by traceys on Jul 23, 2014 16:40:42 GMT
I was grateful when somebody finally clued me in. Ex and I had been having problems for a few weeks, but he was telling me that his unhappiness was all my fault, checking off my "failings" as a wife, blah, blah, blah. The whole time that he had been criticizing me, he was screwing one of the dispatchers in his office. I didn't find out the extent of things until much later, but even though my friend only knew rumors, it gave me a place to start checking.
I would definitely tell....no hesitation if I knew for sure.
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NoWomanNoCry
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Jul 23, 2014 16:42:07 GMT
I think with everyone is so different...it's like hell if I do and hell if I don't. With my Ex who had a double life I would have wanted to know...depending on who it was coming from I would have believed that person I think because I already "knew" but needed it confirmed (which it did eventually).
My DH now has a best friend that he known since birth and the BFF baby momma was cheating on him AND doing hard drugs...my DH knew (along with other friends) but never told him and after it was all said and done and it was known the GF cheated my husband told his friend how he knew and the friend said he was glad my DH didn't tell him because he wouldn't haw believed my DH anyways because he wouldn't have thought the GF would do that.
I asked my DH once if any of his good friends told him I was cheating would he believe them and he said no. He said he knows I would never and wouldn't believe it if he heard it.
He is right ...I wouldn't cheat on him but it goes to show you that some would want to know and would believe it and some wouldn't.
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Post by doxielady on Jul 23, 2014 16:42:33 GMT
I have never understood the "don't tell, it's not your business" philosophy. If it were a friend of mine, and I knew/saw something that was suspicious, I absolutely would tell my friend. ETA: I would not say "Your husband is having an affair." I would say, "I saw this and thought I should tell you." I can't imagine the double betrayal of not only being cheated on by a spouse but also finding out that others were complicit in it by knowing yet keeping me in the dark. I couldn't forgive a friend who did that to me. Absolutely agree!
I can't imagine a true friend keeping that kind of information from me. I would feel it was a betrayal of the friendship to not say something. And it would hurt my soul to not tell a true friend if I had information that affected their life so greatly.
I was in that position MANY years ago - and honestly...the worst hurt was from friends who hid it from me. He was a lying cheating SOB, but my friends KNEW and kept it from me. They all lost my trust.
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Post by kristalina on Jul 23, 2014 16:47:01 GMT
I did tell the girlfriend of my (douchebag) roommate who was bringing another girl home for sleep-overs. GF was grateful, broke up with him, got back together, married and divorced him.
I would probably tell again, and would hope someone would tell me if it were my dh.
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Post by gmcwife1 on Jul 23, 2014 16:47:38 GMT
I've never been in this position but my thought has always been that I would confront douchebag husband first and tell them I was going to rat them out if they didn't fess up. That is all in theory though. In real life circumstances may change how I would really react. Same here, I've never been in this position so I honestly don't know what I would do. It would probably depend on the people, what I knew of their marriage, how close I was to them, any number of things. |
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Post by winogirl on Jul 23, 2014 16:48:20 GMT
I caught my bff's exclusive boyfriend making out with someone else at a bar one time. I told her and she broke up with him. He had the nerve to get mad at me, lol. Poor stupid asshat.
ETA: That was the only incident I ever witnessed and it was easier because they weren't married yet/no kids. But I'm sure I would have told her regardless.
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Post by Katie on Jul 23, 2014 16:50:09 GMT
I would tell, and I would definitely want to be told.
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conchita
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Post by conchita on Jul 23, 2014 16:52:30 GMT
I told my friend her boyfriend had been cheating. She accused me of being jealous and wanting him for myself.  She obviously took it hard! Another friend's husband was cheating on her. I told her and helped her through it. She divorced him and eventually found the love of her life and is happily married with children now. I can't control how my friend will respond but I could not live with myself if I didn't tell. Fortunately those were the only two times I've been in that situation before. I might have to change my answer if the person was only a passing acquaintance. |
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Post by tarheelgurl on Jul 23, 2014 16:53:25 GMT
My ex cheated on me and after he left I found out that so many people knew about it and didn't tell me. The way I look at it is, it wasn't meant for me to know at that time. I think it would have hurt much more had I known and had to live with him. I'm glad he's gone and life is good for me again.
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raindancer
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Post by raindancer on Jul 23, 2014 16:56:52 GMT
I have never understood the "don't tell, it's not your business" philosophy. If it were a friend of mine, and I knew/saw something that was suspicious, I absolutely would tell my friend. ETA: I would not say "Your husband is having an affair." I would say, "I saw this and thought I should tell you." I can't imagine the double betrayal of not only being cheated on by a spouse but also finding out that others were complicit in it by knowing yet keeping me in the dark. I couldn't forgive a friend who did that to me. I feel that way too, that everyone I thought cared about and loved me was in on the betrayal. It's awful. So you would not feel betrayed by more casual friends if they knew but never said so? I find this topic really difficult to navigate.  I appreciate all the feedback, and I really hope I never am "in the know" and have to use it.  |
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Post by momofkandn on Jul 23, 2014 17:04:19 GMT
I had a cheating husband and absolutely would want to be told. My BIL knew my husband was cheating and tried to tell me without actually saying the words. He called me and told me I had to talk to my husband but wouldn't tell me why. I already had my suspicions at the time so maybe that made me more receptive. But to this day, I am thankful my BIL made the call. He felt horrible ratting out his own brother. But loved me enough to want to protect me.
For me, the hardest thing to handle emotionally with infidelity is the lies and deception of your partner. Adding on more lies and deception from friends and family only compounds that complete betrayal you feel and makes it so much worse. You feel like you can't trust anyone and finding out friends have hidden their knowledge from you only reinforces that feeling. It is so hard to trust after you've been betrayed. You feel like your whole life is a lie and you don't know what to believe anymore. You need friends you know are trustworthy and will not hide anything from you.
If you have absolute proof, there's no question in my mind that you should tell. If you see something that's questionable, I still think you should tell exactly what you saw and let the spouse decide if it's something to worry about. There will be friends that aren't ready to hear the truth or won't believe it. And yes, you might lose a friendship. But in the end, I think it's better to lose the friend over telling the truth, then keeping the friend and always having a secret you are keeping from them.
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Post by roundtwo on Jul 23, 2014 17:07:08 GMT
I was one of those who was being cheated on and "friends" knew before me but didn't say anything. It became incredibly difficult to trust anyone in my world and I went through a very tough dark time and spent a lot of time alone trying to right my world again. I have always held the position that I will tell - I really don't care if they will be mad at me if it means they don't have to endure the pain of betrayal from their husband and from their friends.
Please though, if you are ever in this horrible position, do not tell the cheater first. They lie. They blameshift. They move things further underground. Do as busypea suggested and let the person being cheated on know what you saw and let them take it from there. The cheater isn't given a heads up and it gives the betrayed time to sort out the situation without more lies and coverups and accusations from the cheater clouding their heads.
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Post by krc11 on Jul 23, 2014 17:15:51 GMT
Never having been in this situation - either as the cheated or having info. I would think that I would want to be told. But I would want to be the told the facts. You saw what exactly. On the flip side, I would hope if this a true friend, I would tell them the facts. Acquaintences, I'd probably stay out of it unless it was just flagrent.
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luckyexwife
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Post by luckyexwife on Jul 23, 2014 17:20:20 GMT
From years on this board (and thankfully not personal experience) I have felt that the consensus if you know someone is being cheated on is to keep it to yourself and not say anything. So many varied reasons from "what if it isn't true" to "your friend will blame you if they aren't ready to admit it" etc. Yet on the thread today, the woman who was cheated on is really upset others knew and didn't tell, and others have said the same (And I think that it is a very valid reason to be angry, who wants to be the last to know *that* information!?). I feel like it's such a mixed message. Having not been there I would hope someone would tell me, but I admit that I feel conflicted over ever telling someone else. For the previously mentioned reasons. So, do you tell them or not? I actually started a thread a month or so ago asking this question, and the overwhelming response was to tell my friend. A few peas said to stay quiet, but the majority was to tell. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2014 17:30:54 GMT
So you would not feel betrayed by more casual friends if they knew but never said so? I find this topic really difficult to navigate. I appreciate all the feedback, and I really hope I never am "in the know" and have to use it. What I am saying there is likely going to be some major feelings of anger, betrayal, trust issues no matter what. There isn't a right answer on what to do. If you "tell" you need to be prepared for the friendship to end. If you keep silent you need to be prepared for the friendship to end later. No one can predict the outcome of telling or not telling. Even though I have been through this once ***I** can't predict how I would respond if it were to happen again. There is NO wrapping your head around it, ever. Instead of "what would I do if I see something" I think the more useful question is "How will I react if I am told this news" Because you can't control other people. You can't control cheaters and you can't control their spouse who may or may not be ready to confront the news about being cheated on. You can only consider how YOU will react if you are given that news. No one wants to contemplate the likelihood they will be the recipient of that news. |
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sharlag
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Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Jul 23, 2014 17:35:06 GMT
I have revealed two different affairs anonymously. I would do so again in a heartbeat. How did you do that? I think it would be an ugly conversation, which is why I'd like your anonymous strategy. |
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raindancer
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Post by raindancer on Jul 23, 2014 17:42:53 GMT
So you would not feel betrayed by more casual friends if they knew but never said so? I find this topic really difficult to navigate. I appreciate all the feedback, and I really hope I never am "in the know" and have to use it. What I am saying there is likely going to be some major feelings of anger, betrayal, trust issues no matter what. There isn't a right answer on what to do. If you "tell" you need to be prepared for the friendship to end. If you keep silent you need to be prepared for the friendship to end later. No one can predict the outcome of telling or not telling. Even though I have been through this once ***I** can't predict how I would respond if it were to happen again. There is NO wrapping your head around it, ever. Instead of "what would I do if I see something" I think the more useful question is "How will I react if I am told this news" Because you can't control other people. You can't control cheaters and you can't control their spouse who may or may not be ready to confront the news about being cheated on. You can only consider how YOU will react if you are given that news. No one wants to contemplate the likelihood they will be the recipient of that news. I guess what I find troubling is that the victim would turn on a friend who had their interests at heart, and that it feels like the only option is that because you inadvertently found out you are the bad guy and you can't win and the friendship is ending regardless. I almost feel like if I ever find out, I will just never tell I knew, or I will just walk away from that friendship and make it my choice that it is over. I agree that women should have some sort of idea about how they would react to such news, and also a plan for what they would do. I also feel that way about unexpected death. You should know what you would do, or at least have some outline of a plan in your mind to start from. But I have contingency plans for lots of stuff, and hate being blindsided, and I know most of my friends think that's weird and is focusing on things that are negative that may never happen. |
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I would want to be told. 
I appreciate all the feedback, and I really hope I never am "in the know" and have to use it. 
