Setting new family rules

This is ONLY a suggestion for the chore issue and not th bigger issues at play. But, it may help, so I'm putting it out there.

This summer, I wanted DS to get more independent in doing his daily/weekly tasks around the house. I stumbled across an app called ChoreMonster (free) and it's been great. I set up his jobs and the frequency at which he has to do them. Then you assign each task a point value (I assigned more points to the things I knew he's be more resistant to doing, not necessarily to the things that are harder/more time consuming). You also assign awards to various point values. For the most part, we do free things like X points for Y screen time, or Z points for a trip to his favorite birdwatching site, (here, again, I assign point values in ways that encourage him to pick things we'd rather have him pick - like he could get two birdwatching visits for the same number of points as 30 minutes of screen time; a birdwatching visit is a lot more than 30 minutes, but it's also outside, learning, active, etc. - all of which we'd prefer to screen time KWIM?).

Anyway, it's been working like a charm. DS checks his app every day - without being reminded - to see what he needs to do. And he does it, without whining or complaining or even being reminded. He loves it. I love it. It's like a chore chart, but for me, it's easier. And as he can see the points building up, he gets excited and it's a great motivator. It also reinforces what we're woking on with money - saving over time for bigger things, delayed gratification, etc..

The app is too young for your older two, but there are similar apps for older kids. Or you could just apply the concepts to a pen and paper model. Whatever.

I know a lot of people don't believe in rewards for chores, but I'm not philosophically opposed to it. As time goes on, we gradually reduce the point rewards for things that have become habit and introduce new tasks. Rinse, lather, repeat.

Any time you want to make changes, I think it's best to start with attainable, limited scope with big rewards for all. So figure out 3 things you want to change in the next month and focus there.

With chores, in our household, we have a rotating schedule. a) unload dishwasher, set table b)take out trash, scoop dog poop c) recycling and sweep entry and stairs. Those are given tasks, and the expectation is that the kids will get them done without reminders. If one of them is going to be away from home and will not get his chore done, it's up to him to trade with a brother.

Then there "extra" chores, some of which are for pay, and some are just part of family "chore day". When we have a lot to do, I make up a big long list, and assign a value between 1 (easy and quick) to 4 (hard or time consuming or somehow otherwise not desirable to do). I total all the points, then divide that by the people taking part in chore day (I include myself usually). Each person has to do that number of points. We take turns picking chores from the list. This gives them the option of doing a bunch of little chores or just one or two harder things. And because we're taking turns in picking, there's some "fairness" in the allocation.

Beyond chores -- just general family life things, what you want is to get buy-in from your kids. Beginning of the school year is a great time to make some changes in how things run, so again, pick 3 top things that will smooth your life, and focus on those. Maybe lunches and snacks, how papers from school are managed, and laundry. Get feedback from your family about what they find frustrating or difficult and problem solve together. If they're like my kids, they will just shrug and say "I dunno". So that's when you get to institute your plan, along with rewards for good behavior, and some consequences for failure to comply. The trick is to pick consequences that you actually will institute. If you say that you are only going to wash laundry that's put in the hamper and turned right side out, and if they don't comply, they will have to wear dirty clothes, be sure you are willing to go there, for example.

I guess my main point is that you'll do better if you pick prime targets rather than trying to change everything and everyone. Pick things that will have a big impact for everyone, and when you succeed there, you'll have the energy and cooperation to make more changes. Your kids are still at an age where they can and will take direction and learn new routines, but the biggest thing to work on is your own self-- being consistent and keeping it positive instead of an endless nag (I know this because it's my own experience). Find ways to remind yourself of your goals-- write them down someplace you'll see them multiple times a day, for example.

rst has a good point. Trying to change it all at once is probably going to end in frustration on everyone's part -- especially since you know that you have problems with consistency. Pick a few things and concentrate on those over the summer. Then when school starts, add a couple more. That way you can concentrate on the things you have all decided are most important. Don't sweat the others yet -- pay attention to those few things until they've become habits and routine for everyone.

Use whatever means you think will work -- an app, a points system, a chart. Whatever you think you can stick with.

I have the same sort of issues -- and I'm trying to prod my DS16 back into some semblance of a routine. Summer is so hard to start something like this because we were so incredibly burnt out from a tough school year and work schedule.