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Post by craftygardenmom on Jan 5, 2016 17:29:31 GMT
DH and I are (finally) writing a joint will and are at only 1 slight sticking point when it comes to care of our kids if both of us should die at same time. It's kind of a tie between my brother and SIL and DH's brother and wife. Both are equally awesome people and parents. But I'll selfishly admit that I'd want my kids to be raised within someone from my side of the family because I know that we're overall a closer knit family than my husband's extended family. DH gets a little miffed when I bring this up, as if I'm telling him his family isn't close. They are, kind of, but it's definitely not the same "pack them all in" at Christmas-time kind of family I grew up in and still have and want my kids to have. So I'm asking the Peas: how would you or did you make a final decision? Did it just come down to you as the mother getting the final say where the kids would go if the worst happened? TIA for your input!  |
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Post by jcmom04 on Jan 5, 2016 17:34:36 GMT
For us it was who would raise our kids *as closely* as we would (ideals, morals, emphasis on education, love them, discipline them, etc). We chose our best friends of almost 20 years who don't live anywhere near us or our family.
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Post by mom on Jan 5, 2016 17:35:10 GMT
Which side is more financially stable? What about their ages? Use that as tie breaker.
For us, it was an easy decision.
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Post by mikklynn on Jan 5, 2016 17:37:26 GMT
We were negligent in doing a will until our kids were 18. But, I do have a suggestion, you may or may not have considered about money. I think you should put the money in trust until your kids are older than 18. Our kids are only 18 months apart, so we put the money in trust based on the oldest age. When he turned 25, they got 1/3, the next 1/3 at 30, and the balance at 35. My sister and DH's brother were the trustees. They could disperse money for college, for example, but not for a ski trip.
I think you and your DH will need to come to an agreement. Have you talked to the family members about how they feel? To your kids?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 5, 2016 17:40:38 GMT
At the time, we were still in touch with DH's family (it's now been 5 years since we last spoke to them), but we already decided that our kids would be cared for by my sister and bil. No way we wanted them raised by DH's dysfunctional relatives. Furthermore, my sister and her husband have the same values and morals we do, are financially stable, love our kids like their own and wold have the space to accommodate them.
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pridemom
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Post by pridemom on Jan 5, 2016 17:41:29 GMT
We designated first, second, and third choices with a neutral person to be trustee. When we did this, our first choice was a family member that pledged to make sure the kids kept contact with both sides of the family, was very family focused, raised two fabulous older teens that are now great young adults, and was fiscally responsible.
If we were to do it again, 12 years later, our choice would be the same.
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Post by tallgirl on Jan 5, 2016 17:41:50 GMT
The lesser of two evils? I kid, a little, not a lot though. I have 3 sisters, DH has one brother. We want the kids to stay in the family. It boiled down to one of my sisters who lives 3 hours from us in a big city, and DH's brother who lives aroundthe corner from us. We decided to leave the kids with DH's brother and his wife. I question this decision a lot. They make a lot of lifestyle and parenting choices that leave me shaking my head. However, we see it as being least disruptive to our kids (same town/school) and leaves them in close proximity to their grandparents on that side,to whom they are very close. We did entrust financial control of our estate to my sister to ensure that the funds are used wisely. Neither option is a good option, but I am dead, so maybe that is clouding my judgment.  |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 5, 2016 17:44:31 GMT
Are both parties you're considering willing and able to raise your children should something happen to you? That might eliminate a contender right there. Be sure you ask and don't assume they'd do it because they're family.
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Post by Dori~Mama~Bear on Jan 5, 2016 17:46:28 GMT
For me it was a no brainer. If I died she would have gone to her dad. since we never were together the chances of us dying at the same time is unlikely. She had 4 parents until she was in the 8th grade. If I would have had to pick someone other than her dad I would have picked my cousin Lori. She is the most stable person I have ever known. and my kid always loved her and her husband and daughter.
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Post by Basket1lady on Jan 5, 2016 17:51:23 GMT
We chose the family who wanted kids and would raise them close to our values. I also didn't want the majority of our estate money going to their daily upkeep-I wanted it saved for college expenses. So we chose my brother, who was single at the time and with no kids. But he was the one who spent time with them and my only sibling. DH's sister had a son 12 years older than our oldest and DH's brother lived in a trailer. It would have taken all of our money to get them into a house. And we didn't want the kids raised by grandparents.
18 years later, I'd still make the same decision. DS is now in college back by our families (we're military). My brother and his wife see DS at least once a month and make sure he has supplies in his room and text 1-2 times a week. My brother and SIL never had kids and I think they see my kids as a bit of their own. That's a good thing!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 5, 2016 17:59:29 GMT
I only have one sister, and her lifestyle is completely opposite to ours so we didn't even consider her when making our wills. My dh has two sisters, either of which would be a good choice. Both are financially stable, good parents to their own children, and have very similar values and lifestyles to ours. We ended up choosing one sister over the other because we felt like one bil was too much of a workaholic to have the family time we desired. Plus, choosing them as guardians would mean our kids would have to move 7 hours away from all the rest of our family and we didn't want that upheaval.
It was a very difficult decision and one we agonized and prayed over for weeks.
Lana
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IAmUnoriginal
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Post by IAmUnoriginal on Jan 5, 2016 18:02:13 GMT
We chose the older of my two younger brothers and his wife. He is closer to my ODS than my youngest brother. ODS and my youngest brother don't click in the same way at all. SIL has been in ODS's life since he was 2 and used to take him for a week at a time before they had kids. The brother we chose was also more financially stable and responsible at the time we made our choice. He'd be left in charge of a good chunk of life insurance if both DH and I died at the same time. He has kids the same age as my YDS. My other brother has since married, had a child and on a more stable path. He is listed as a second option "should primary guardian be unable or unwilling to care for minor children". I'm divorced from ODS's father, so he'd go with exH first, of course. But, as a testament to my brothers' awesomeness, exH's will reads the same as ours regarding guardianship. ODS would still be taken care of by one of my brothers. ExH didn't want ODS going with his family at all. We debated on his best friend, but he's never had kids and in a totally different phase of life.
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Post by myboysnme on Jan 5, 2016 18:02:53 GMT
I chose my Dh's sister because she had a degree in early childhood education and she worked with special needs kids. My kids loved her and loved to be with her and she with them. I think our estate could have provided for them because she was really pretty poor.
My mom and DH's mom were not going to be high on the list just because there was someone younger (DH's sister). My mom could have provided best physically but not emotionally, and vice versa for DH mother.
My own sister was excluded because my kids did not like her. She also had children my kids' ages and I know they would have always come up short in every way to her kids.
Thankfully they got to adulthood and we didn't need to worry about that. |
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Post by lucyg on Jan 5, 2016 18:09:05 GMT
Our choice turned out to be easy. We asked DH's brother and SIL, whom we were close to and who had their first baby at the same time as us. AND they said, "Let us think about it." That did not sit well with us as we would have taken their kids without question.
So I was complaining about it to my youngest sister, who was single and still in college on the opposite coast, and she said, "What do you mean, you would give your children to someone besides me? No way. I would do what I had to do to raise your kids."
And DH and I said, yep, that's the person we want raising our children if anything happens to us. So she was named as their guardian, and although they're adults now, she's still executor of my estate and trustee (if I haven't run through every penny before I die). ha ha
You have to make sure whomever you choose is on board with it, no matter how unlikely the circumstance may seem. And you have to leave enough money from your estate or insurance to cover your kids' expenses, both daily and college, so there's no resentment about finances later on.
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Post by anxiousmom on Jan 5, 2016 18:09:53 GMT
I was single and it would have been pretty automatic that the kids would have gone to their dad. He was a lousy husband, but as far as parenting goes he loves his kids and it would have been the right and proper thing to do to not try to override that path.
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peaname
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Post by peaname on Jan 5, 2016 18:10:45 GMT
We didn't agree at first but then his sister married a complete asshole so my sister won.
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MerryMom
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Post by MerryMom on Jan 5, 2016 18:12:52 GMT
Do they both live in the same town as you or close by? I would want to know whether the children would have to change schools, etc. if they went to live with one family versus another, on top of the trauma of losing parents.
If one family is selected over another, you can include language specifying your wishes for the other family to be afforded generous visitation time with the children (absent any safety issues).
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Post by kellybelly77 on Jan 5, 2016 18:13:06 GMT
For us it was pretty easy. Dh's family are all worthless drug abusers so we knew it was going to be one of my siblings. Then it was just a pros and cons situation.
We chose my older sister because her and her dh live in much the same way we do. Same morals, lifestyles, etc. plus my sister here in town has a dh who keeps tons of guns in their house. I despise guns so that crossed them off the list right away. My brother loves my kids but he is newly married and I didn't want to saddle him and his new wife with a house full of kids right off the bat! My mom would do it but I have a toddler and she is in her mid 60's. I think it would be too much for her but she would do it in a heartbeat.
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Post by compwalla on Jan 5, 2016 18:13:33 GMT
We did our wills very early, right after we had our first child. At the time, my parents were the best choice. Now they are getting on and we need to re-do things but I'm also stuck on who should get them. My oldest is 18 and would not need a legal guardian but he would need a home base and someone older to handle the money until he's more mature. It's most likely I'll die before my husband but I'd still like to get things re-done just in case DH and I perish together in a fiery car crash or something before that happens.
My brother and SIL picked us to get their children because they knew we'd raise them with all the love we could give them and we all share similar values. I think we will be updating to have them get guardianship of our children should the worst happen. My brother was only 22 when our first child was born but he's 40 now and I know he and my SIL would take wonderful care of our boys. And my SIL's brother is a financial planner and would do a great job managing whatever money the children would get from our estate.
It's a hard decision. In the end we want our kids to be with people who will love them like we do and who will raise them with similar values. Like I'd never consent to my husband's parents getting them because they would drag my children to church. No. They are generally nice people but they believe Fox News and I can't have my kids living in such a house.
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Post by nlwilkins on Jan 5, 2016 18:32:57 GMT
Because people and circumstances change, we did not want to lock in a particular couple to raise our girls. So we designated my uncle as an executor that was to choose the guardians for our girls. We stipulated that the money left would NOT be used for daily upkeep. We wanted whoever raised our children to be willing to pay for their daily expenses and not want them for the money they would bring to their household. We put directions in the will about how the money was to be used and when the grils would get it.
It turned out to be a good decision as the husband of the first couple we would have chosen took his life while they girls were still young. Another couple we mght have chosen ended up with a daughter who was on the way to becoming arrested if they had not moved out of the city and away from bad influences. AND another couple ended up divorced. We trusted my uncle to choose a suitable couple to raise our girls, who would have loved them and done right by them. Of course we did not expect him and my aunt to take them as they were older and would not have lived long enough to see them through college.
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Post by scrapbookwriter on Jan 5, 2016 19:40:57 GMT
We didn't even choose a relative. We didn't feel any of our relatives were in a position to take on additional children. We chose friends, based on the ages of our friends' children, their closeness to our children, and our similarity in values. Each set of friends we approached was honored to be asked. If they were not, we wouldn't choose them.
About every seven-ten years we changed the guardian designation as our older kids aged out of a need for a guardian. We changed the designation three times. The last time we changed our youngest two were the only minors. Now our youngest is 19 so no more guardian designation. If something happens to us now, we hope our youngest would live with our oldest until he is settled in life.
We think it is very, very important to separate the financial overseer from the guardian. Also be sure to name alternates.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jan 5, 2016 19:44:13 GMT
We had a hard time deciding because all of our collective siblings are dysfunctional in some way or another. We ended up choosing DH's long time best friend and his wife, but several years in now we are second guessing that choice and we want to change it.
His friend basically abandoned his sister to care for their mom who has pretty advanced dementia. His sister has NO other family or outside support to help her cope emotionally, financially, physically or otherwise. Having BTDT with my mom, we have been going to his mom / sister's house every week for over a year and a half to give them moral support and to help in whatever ways we can. We know how rough it is for his sister and think it's lousy to bail on your family when things get hard, and that's not an attitude we would want our kid to grow up with.
At at this point we really don't know who we should choose as an alternate. Our other friends that would be awesome parents are either 10-15 years older than we are or they have debilitating chronic health problems, and getting an active young child dumped in their lap would be difficult at best.
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Post by lucyg on Jan 5, 2016 19:45:30 GMT
Because people and circumstances change, we did not want to lock in a particular couple to raise our girls. So we designated my uncle as an executor that was to choose the guardians for our girls. We stipulated that the money left would NOT be used for daily upkeep. We wanted whoever raised our children to be willing to pay for their daily expenses and not want them for the money they would bring to their household. We put directions in the will about how the money was to be used and when the grils would get it.It turned out to be a good decision as the husband of the first couple we would have chosen took his life while they girls were still young. Another couple we mght have chosen ended up with a daughter who was on the way to becoming arrested if they had not moved out of the city and away from bad influences. AND another couple ended up divorced. We trusted my uncle to choose a suitable couple to raise our girls, who would have loved them and done right by them. Of course we did not expect him and my aunt to take them as they were older and would not have lived long enough to see them through college. I don't understand this reasoning at all. It is a big deal to take in a couple (or more) children and raise them to adulthood, no matter how much you may love them. Emotionally, psychologically, physically, space/time/money ... to expect another family to do all that AND to pay for the privilege just adds even more stress to their lives. It wouldn't stop me from taking in children I loved, but I can guarantee you if I had to buy a new house with my own money to have enough space for all the kids I was raising, while you had tied up your children's inheritance in trust ... I would be resentful. Toward you, not them. |
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pridemom
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Post by pridemom on Jan 5, 2016 20:55:08 GMT
Because people and circumstances change, we did not want to lock in a particular couple to raise our girls. So we designated my uncle as an executor that was to choose the guardians for our girls. We stipulated that the money left would NOT be used for daily upkeep. We wanted whoever raised our children to be willing to pay for their daily expenses and not want them for the money they would bring to their household. We put directions in the will about how the money was to be used and when the grils would get it.It turned out to be a good decision as the husband of the first couple we would have chosen took his life while they girls were still young. Another couple we mght have chosen ended up with a daughter who was on the way to becoming arrested if they had not moved out of the city and away from bad influences. AND another couple ended up divorced. We trusted my uncle to choose a suitable couple to raise our girls, who would have loved them and done right by them. Of course we did not expect him and my aunt to take them as they were older and would not have lived long enough to see them through college. I don't understand this reasoning at all. It is a big deal to take in a couple (or more) children and raise them to adulthood, no matter how much you may love them. Emotionally, psychologically, physically, space/time/money ... to expect another family to do all that AND to pay for the privilege just adds even more stress to their lives. It wouldn't stop me from taking in children I loved, but I can guarantee you if I had to buy a new house with my own money to have enough space for all the kids I was raising, while you had tied up your children's inheritance in trust ... I would be resentful. Toward you, not them. I agree. Thats a big hardship. Medical coverage, food and lodging, high school expenses, etc. Yikes. Kids are expensive. Thats why we have life insurance. |
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LeaP
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Post by LeaP on Jan 5, 2016 20:57:35 GMT
We chose my husband's younger brother and SIL. While they are very different from us, we love them dearly and believe that their values would be the best fit for our children in the event of the unthinkable. She is very loving, is both strict and indulging and my girls adore her and the cousins. The other brother and my two brothers are not as good of a fit. |
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jan 5, 2016 21:03:29 GMT
I'll first say we definitely did NOT go with the mother gets final say - I can only imagine how insulting that would have been to my husband. It was and is a really, really hard decision for us. There was no really good obvious choices - lots of negatives from health concerns, geographic remoteness and overall value differences. At the end of the day we had to make a decision - but it's one I'm still not comfortable with today to be honest. We did completely separate out the financial piece as the couple we chose is really horrifically bad with money. We actually chose two trustees for the children's estates (one from each of our families). The trustees are free to disburse money for living expenses as I would not want adding our children to be a financial burden - but I also did not want them to treat the estate like winning the lottery. We need make some changes as some of the executors, trustees and alternates need to be updated due to a few deaths in the family. I'm tempted to change guardians, but I'm not sure our choices are any better now than 10 years ago.
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theshyone
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Post by theshyone on Jan 5, 2016 21:04:10 GMT
I had to make this decision three times.
The first time shortly after doing it the husband unexpectedly passed away.
The second time after choosing someone else they unexpectedly passed away.
No one wanted picked the third time round.
The third time and she recently had a serious health scare, and we are feeling iffy about that choice.
I want them far far far away from my family.
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Post by littlemama on Jan 5, 2016 21:07:55 GMT
Dh and I didn't hit the sibling-lottery, so it would have been my mom taking in DS. We never put it in writing, and I really think most people don't end up writing it down anywhere, but that was always the understanding. I'm sure it wouldn't have held up in court, but he will be 18 in 2 months, so I guess we're good.
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theshyone
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Post by theshyone on Jan 5, 2016 21:10:31 GMT
I'll add to also endure you discuss with these designates what to do if the unthinkable happens and they too pass.
Recent case in my city has had this.
Couple took in three kids after their parents died, who were very close friends, not long after they were killed by a drunk driver. So then their family was left with their two kids, plus these other three kids they didn't know at all. Lightening never strikes twice right? Wrong! It was a hellacious experience for the three kids to lose their parents, then their chosen parents, then be turned over to the system.
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Post by jenjie on Jan 5, 2016 21:28:13 GMT
For us it was who would raise our kids *as closely* as we would (ideals, morals, emphasis on education, love them, discipline them, etc). We chose our best friends of almost 20 years who don't live anywhere near us or our family. This. Also we wanted someone who is good with their own finances. For this and all of the reasons listed above, it took years for us to choose somebody. When my dad died without a will, we knew we had to get serious about both a will and choosing guardians for our kids. We thought, prayed and discussed, ultimately settling on good friends. Then Fred got sick and we still hadn't discussed it with them. All of a sudden the idea of asking them to be responsible for our children "just in case" became all too real and uncomfortable. We asked them to spend time with us. I thought for sure they knew what we were going to ask because she kept texting stuff like "we love your kids". I thought it was a code to say go ahead and ask. LOL. When we did ask, husband and wife didn't even look at each other. Both immediately said yes. When I asked if they knew we were going to ask, they said no. |
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