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Post by jenjie on Jan 9, 2016 23:31:03 GMT
The struggle is real! This widow's brain, or widow's fog, is ridiculous. (ETA grief fog. www.griefrecoverymethod.com/comment/14550) I am 6 months out and I would like to think that my brain has been relatively fine. Even in spite of the problem I was having not sleeping. Thankfully that seems to have worked itself out. ***Oh my. Interrupting myself to say that ds11 just asked about the pizza fries I put in the oven over a half hour ago to warm up because they weren't hot at delivery. Forgot all about them!*** Over the past several days I have been noticing myself doing some really stupid things. For instance, I had to stop at Rite Aid and Walmart on the way home from taking the kids to school. I went to Rite Aid and was about a block away from the turnoff to my street before i remembered that not only had I already passed Walmart, but I passed it before ever reaching Rite Aid. So I turned around, went a block and realized I was closer to the Walmart and another Rite Aid in the opposite direction. No I don't know why chains put their stores so close together. And I went to 4 Rite Aids that day. My friends and I were on a mission to find some things leftover from Christmas clearance for our women's weekend retreat coming up in a few weeks. And it's so much easier to work on other people's projects that have a beginning and and end. My stuff seems never ending so I guess I'm avoiding it. I have lost all ability to organize. There is stuff everywhere. I tried clearing off one spot to start there. And I have no idea what to do with the stuff I removed. It's multiplying. I cannot make a decision about this stuff to save my life. I think it's time to call in the cavalry. Months ago a friend offered to help when I was ready. I'm going to take her up on it because I can't seem to find a good starting point. I feel like I'm walking in a fog. Like my cognitive ability is at 50%. If you've experienced this, can you tell me how long it lasted? Also if you have any stories you want to share. |
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Post by anonrefugee on Jan 9, 2016 23:38:32 GMT
I'm sorry Jenjie. I can't blame mine on anything other than overload and preoccupation. I had a chance to meet up with a friend this week, and then we decided to grab a quick lunch. We stood in the parking lot and decided where to go, separate cars. I was walking across the restaurant parking lot before I remembered we'd decided on "the other place". Duh Embarrassing to admit, but I hope it makes you feel you're not alone  |
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valleyview
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,816
Jun 27, 2014 18:41:26 GMT
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Post by valleyview on Jan 9, 2016 23:41:26 GMT
I would expect this just like when you have a new baby and you're sleep-deprived. Just when you would get used to what their needs were, they would learn something new, and you have to adjust anew
You have much responsibility and had a steep learning curve! Your brain just has a lot going on. You'll get better, because YOU are resilient. Hugs.
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Post by jenjie on Jan 9, 2016 23:42:38 GMT
Ahhh! Thanks anonrefugee. A few years ago we planned to meet friends at the diner. Here in NJ there is a plethora of diners. So we show up at the diner and our friends are not there. We wait. And we wait some more. One of us finally called the other. They were at "the other diner". That memory showed up in my fb feed not long ago and made me smile. |
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Post by Sparki on Jan 10, 2016 0:00:34 GMT
I had widow brain for a good solid year after DH passed away. Some days I'm not sure I could have told you my name. I was also angry all the time, about anything. Just angry. I was 30, and so terribly unprepared. I did join a young widows group that pointed out that widow brain is in fact, a thing. Slowly, the fog lifted. So slowly that I barely noticed. It took probably two years before I felt like me again. Two years to stop being so freaking angry. I'm 9 years out now, and re-married. There are still days when something will just hit me, a memory or something, and I miss him so bad it takes my breath away. There is no time line. Everyone is different. I wouldn't admit it to most people but, even though I'm re-married, and I love him dearly, that I would give ANYTHING to have my first husband back again. People just wouldn't understand.
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Post by jenjie on Jan 10, 2016 0:17:08 GMT
I had widow brain for a good solid year after DH passed away. Some days I'm not sure I could have told you my name. I was also angry all the time, about anything. Just angry. I was 30, and so terribly unprepared. I did join a young widows group that pointed out that widow brain is in fact, a thing. Slowly, the fog lifted. So slowly that I barely noticed. It took probably two years before I felt like me again. Two years to stop being so freaking angry. I'm 9 years out now, and re-married. There are still days when something will just hit me, a memory or something, and I miss him so bad it takes my breath away. There is no time line. Everyone is different. I wouldn't admit it to most people but, even though I'm re-married, and I love him dearly, that I would give ANYTHING to have my first husband back again. People just wouldn't understand. thank you for sharing. I can't say that I understand because right now I just want my husband back. But I can kind of imagine. I don't have anger. I'll say not yet.  I was extremely angry one particular day but otherwise mostly sad and emotional. I'm coming to the point where I'm understanding that "my husband died" is reason enough to be sad or be triggered. I kept feeling like I had to evaluate what caused this or that emotional response. But some days it's just I feel sad and unmotivated just because. And it has to be enough. |
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Post by jenjie on Jan 10, 2016 0:23:33 GMT
Sparki I meant to ask if you found the widows group helpful? I have a strong resistance to a group. I have looked for different message boards. but the one time I considered posting I decided against it, on the off chance that my mom might do the same thing and come across my stuff. I have been spending time with dh's coworker, my new friend who lost her husband a month later. We go to lunch and text or call each other. It's very casual and we enjoy each other's company. She has a friend who is recently widowed. She invited her to join us but she's not ready. I said it's not widow support, it's just people getting to know each other, build friendship. We bounce things off each other and discover we're not going crazy and vent about the stupid things people say. LOL. So maybe we will end up becoming a de facto support group.
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Post by Sparki on Jan 10, 2016 0:47:25 GMT
Sparki I meant to ask if you found the widows group helpful? I have a strong resistance to a group. I have looked for different message boards. but the one time I considered posting I decided against it, on the off chance that my mom might do the same thing and come across my stuff. I have been spending time with dh's coworker, my new friend who lost her husband a month later. We go to lunch and text or call each other. It's very casual and we enjoy each other's company. She has a friend who is recently widowed. She invited her to join us but she's not ready. I said it's not widow support, it's just people getting to know each other, build friendship. We bounce things off each other and discover we're not going crazy and vent about the stupid things people say. LOL. So maybe we will end up becoming a de facto support group. It was extremely helpful. And I'm not a 'group' person. This wasn't really structured....it was an online group. Like this one...when someone needed to talk, or had a question, like you right now, everyone was there for everyone else. We told each other things like, it's ok that you just found your car keys in the freezer. It's ok that you started crying while walking to your car at the grocery store. And later, it's ok if you want to go on a date. Or don't want to go on a date. It was just people that all had something in common. I don't have a lot of close friends, and people get tired of hearing memories. I even had someone tell me that I shouldn't be talking about him at all! I just needed a place to go with people who had been there too. |
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Post by Sparki on Jan 10, 2016 0:52:15 GMT
Sparki thank you for sharing. I can't say that I understand because right now I just want my husband back. But I can kind of imagine. I don't have anger. I'll say not yet. I was extremely angry one particular day but otherwise mostly sad and emotional. I'm coming to the point where I'm understanding that "my husband died" is reason enough to be sad or be triggered. I kept feeling like I had to evaluate what caused this or that emotional response. But some days it's just I feel sad and unmotivated just because. And it has to be enough. The "I just want my husband back" doesn't go away. I look at my current husband and think how they would have gotten along great together. At this point in time, I tend to keep those thoughts to myself...people think there's something wrong with you....it's been nine years - why do you still miss him so bad? They don't understand. It's ok that they don't understand. |
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Post by jenjie on Jan 10, 2016 1:03:37 GMT
Sparki I meant to ask if you found the widows group helpful? I have a strong resistance to a group. I have looked for different message boards. but the one time I considered posting I decided against it, on the off chance that my mom might do the same thing and come across my stuff. I have been spending time with dh's coworker, my new friend who lost her husband a month later. We go to lunch and text or call each other. It's very casual and we enjoy each other's company. She has a friend who is recently widowed. She invited her to join us but she's not ready. I said it's not widow support, it's just people getting to know each other, build friendship. We bounce things off each other and discover we're not going crazy and vent about the stupid things people say. LOL. So maybe we will end up becoming a de facto support group. It was extremely helpful. And I'm not a 'group' person. This wasn't really structured....it was an online group. Like this one...when someone needed to talk, or had a question, like you right now, everyone was there for everyone else. We told each other things like, it's ok that you just found your car keys in the freezer. It's ok that you started crying while walking to your car at the grocery store. And later, it's ok if you want to go on a date. Or don't want to go on a date. It was just people that all had something in common. I don't have a lot of close friends, and people get tired of hearing memories. I even had someone tell me that I shouldn't be talking about him at all! I just needed a place to go with people who had been there too. [ Yeah. I haven't found any MB that are currently active. The other thing is I'm concerned about somebody else's issues bringing me down with them. There's something about the way YOU share, from where you are today, that sounds hopeful and does not make it sound like the only way I will ever be happy again is with a new man. So thank you for that. Some of the stuff I read or hear people say, from women who are years and years into it, is that it never gets any better. Except the ones who are remarried. I have to believe there is hope for a better day, and I have to become content with where I am by myself, not dependent on someone else to make me happy. If something happens later, so be it. If it doesn't, so be it. But I'm certainly not looking today. |
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Post by Sparki on Jan 10, 2016 1:19:29 GMT
Yeah. I haven't found any MB that are currently active. The other thing is I'm concerned about somebody else's issues bringing me down with them. There's something about the way YOU share, from where you are today, that sounds hopeful and does not make it sound like the only way I will ever be happy again is with a new man. So thank you for that. Some of the stuff I read or hear people say, from women who are years and years into it, is that it never gets any better. Except the ones who are remarried. I have to believe there is hope for a better day, and I have to become content with where I am by myself, not dependent on someone else to make me happy. If something happens later, so be it. If it doesn't, so be it. But I'm certainly not looking today. There is definitely hope. In fact, I think that be happy for YOU. No one else. If someone shows up, great. If not, great. My mom was widowed nearly three years ago. She is so happy by herself, that she doesn't want to ever find someone. She married young and is finally getting to take care of HER. She loves it. I think that sometimes people just don't THINK. Of course it gets better. You just can't go on forever like you're stuck in quicksand. But the time frame is yours alone. You'll come to a place where you will be comfortable with YOU. I just went to look for the group I was in, and I guess it's a sign of something, but I can't remember the name of it! LOL It was Young Widows something or another, because it's totally different for you and I, losing a spouse this young, than living into elderly years and losing him in your 80's. I actually remember there was a thread about 'thing's people say' to widows. Reading always made me shake my head...people need to just think before they speak. Or not speak. LOL |
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Post by blarneygirl on Jan 10, 2016 1:31:09 GMT
Yes ma'am I hear you. I went back to work after being a SAHM for more then 20 years just prior to the 9 month mark. I really struggled to learn the job through the fog. Some days I was really worried I was never going to see clearly enough through it to remember procedures. The end of February will be the year mark for me. I still don't sleep well and I think that has a lot to do with the fog lingering.
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scrappinspidey2
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,511
Location: In the Parlor with the Fly
Mar 18, 2015 19:19:37 GMT
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Post by scrappinspidey2 on Jan 10, 2016 1:54:53 GMT
3+ Years for me and I still have it and yes it is real!!! I will also say that 2peas spoiled me message board wise. The widow boards I follow ar super slow to me so it's hard to keep me interested regularly. That said I found a great one due to recommendations from other peas. It has since shit down and moved. I met some wonderful people there who truly get it. They don't get jumpy if I say something not within the norm. They dunderstand the little quirks widowed people do. I have stayed close with some and even though I am not active on the boards now we all still keep in touch and check in with each other. Many rely on Facebook now. It was Ywbb but it has moved to widda.org
Dating is an Interesting issue. I am not now nor have I dated since I lost my husband. Not interested honestly but sometimes I feel like I'm an outcast even among widowed folk when a rash of them start dating anywhere from 6 months on and I'm still hermiting. Their is an expectation from friends and family that I will date but I don't think I ever will.
I have days where I completely lose my ability to focus or remember anything. I can be found in rooms just standing there till someone asks me something. I still get overwhelmed by day to day things. Not all the time like the first year+ but enough to be frustrated by it. I've been told this is normal. Who knows.
Big big hugs
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Post by jenjie on Jan 10, 2016 2:07:33 GMT
Yes ma'am I hear you. I went back to work after being a SAHM for more then 20 years just prior to the 9 month mark. I really struggled to learn the job through the fog. Some days I was really worried I was never going to see clearly enough through it to remember procedures. The end of February will be the year mark for me. I still don't sleep well and I think that has a lot to do with the fog lingering. Yeah that would be difficult to have to learn a new job so soon and in such a fog. I'm sorry blarneygirl for all of it. Thinking about this upcoming anniversary. Big big hugs to you. |
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Post by jenjie on Jan 10, 2016 2:10:55 GMT
3+ Years for me and I still have it and yes it is real!!! I will also say that 2peas spoiled me message board wise. The widow boards I follow ar super slow to me so it's hard to keep me interested regularly. That said I found a great one due to recommendations from other peas. It has since shit down and moved. I met some wonderful people there who truly get it. They don't get jumpy if I say something not within the norm. They dunderstand the little quirks widowed people do. I have stayed close with some and even though I am not active on the boards now we all still keep in touch and check in with each other. Many rely on Facebook now. It was Ywbb but it has moved to widda.org Dating is an Interesting issue. I am not now nor have I dated since I lost my husband. Not interested honestly but sometimes I feel like I'm an outcast even among widowed folk when a rash of them start dating anywhere from 6 months on and I'm still hermiting. Their is an expectation from friends and family that I will date but I don't think I ever will. I have days where I completely lose my ability to focus or remember anything. I can be found in rooms just standing there till someone asks me something. I still get overwhelmed by day to day things. Not all the time like the first year+ but enough to be frustrated by it. I've been told this is normal. Who knows. Big big hugs I think you are probably the one who told me about widda.org. I have checked it out a couple of times but like you said, not much is happening there. 3 years huh? Yay. Do you have any tips? Besides writing down every single thing? LOL |
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scrappinspidey2
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,511
Location: In the Parlor with the Fly
Mar 18, 2015 19:19:37 GMT
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Post by scrappinspidey2 on Jan 10, 2016 2:25:09 GMT
i don't have any tips. I write as much down as I can. I also have a weekly/monthly planner I try to keep everything in. Routine helps me a lot. I also learned to keep things simple for a long time. Only handle one big issue a day. Also figure out which things are consistently overwhelming and try to give yourself a rest after. For me DMV is one of those things. I have to go this week. For that day, that will be the only thing I do. You do learn to adjust. You find new ways of coping with things you didn't have to cope with before. But it's a slow process so be gentle with yourself if you don't get it all done like you would have before. You are not your old self anymore and you have to learn this new you.
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Post by blarneygirl on Jan 10, 2016 2:42:58 GMT
Yes ma'am I hear you. I went back to work after being a SAHM for more then 20 years just prior to the 9 month mark. I really struggled to learn the job through the fog. Some days I was really worried I was never going to see clearly enough through it to remember procedures. The end of February will be the year mark for me. I still don't sleep well and I think that has a lot to do with the fog lingering. Yeah that would be difficult to have to learn a new job so soon and in such a fog. I'm sorry blarneygirl for all of it. Thinking about this upcoming anniversary. Big big hugs to you. I started looking for something part time, and then I felt I had too much on my plate. I've decided to sell my house and move into something low maintenance like a townhouse. It's just me clearing and purging a home we have lived in for 18 + years. Within days of deciding to table the job hunt, the perfect opportunity practically fell into my lap. I felt like that was what I was supposed to do. Sending big hugs back to you, and to anyone else who has experienced this. |
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Post by jenjie on Jan 10, 2016 4:06:24 GMT
Yeah that would be difficult to have to learn a new job so soon and in such a fog. I'm sorry blarneygirl for all of it. Thinking about this upcoming anniversary. Big big hugs to you. I started looking for something part time, and then I felt I had too much on my plate. I've decided to sell my house and move into something low maintenance like a townhouse. It's just me clearing and purging a home we have lived in for 18 + years. Within days of deciding to table the job hunt, the perfect opportunity practically fell into my lap. I felt like that was what I was supposed to do. Sending big hugs back to you, and to anyone else who has experienced this. How do you feel about moving? If you don't mind me asking. |
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Post by jenjie on Jan 10, 2016 4:12:00 GMT
i don't have any tips. I write as much down as I can. I also have a weekly/monthly planner I try to keep everything in. Routine helps me a lot. I also learned to keep things simple for a long time. Only handle one big issue a day. Also figure out which things are consistently overwhelming and try to give yourself a rest after. For me DMV is one of those things. I have to go this week. For that day, that will be the only thing I do. You do learn to adjust. You find new ways of coping with things you didn't have to cope with before. But it's a slow process so be gentle with yourself if you don't get it all done like you would have before. You are not your old self anymore and you have to learn this new you. One thing at a time is smart thinking. Thanks. I have to go back to DMV too and have been putting it off. I had something come up this week that left me asking myself whose husband to ask for advice. If my own husband were here there would not have been an issue at all. I know people are willing to help but once again I don't want to to be in a position to need it. I also don't want to wear out my welcome. |
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Post by blarneygirl on Jan 10, 2016 4:57:39 GMT
I started looking for something part time, and then I felt I had too much on my plate. I've decided to sell my house and move into something low maintenance like a townhouse. It's just me clearing and purging a home we have lived in for 18 + years. Within days of deciding to table the job hunt, the perfect opportunity practically fell into my lap. I felt like that was what I was supposed to do. Sending big hugs back to you, and to anyone else who has experienced this. How do you feel about moving? If you don't mind me asking. At this point, I wish I could genie blink into someplace new. At first, it was about practicality of things and I didn't really want to move. Now, it just feels heavy here with sadness, and doesn't feel like our home any more. There are things we did to the home that I will miss, and I'm slowly making peace with that. I'm overwhelmed thinking about how this is going to work - particularly with me at work almost 30 hours a week. It may explain my inability to sleep and ulcer diagnosis. lol Mostly, I'm ready to go. I feel terrible for my boys. They are old enough to understand the practicality of the situation, but still this is the only home they have known. I have one son who is a junior in college and my other son is a freshman in high school, so really it's mostly just my 14 year old here with me. It's just too much house now. I dread the spring when the yard work/pool opening rolls around and everything that goes with that. Since the day my husband passed away I have felt like I've been climbing uphill over hurdles. I'm imagining when I get to the other side, in a downsized more simplified life I might feel like I can figure out how to make a new life. I'm not that far from truly being an empty nester (with the exception of my two Labradoodles lol) so I had better figure out who I am alone. |
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Post by Delta Dawn on Jan 10, 2016 5:07:48 GMT
I had widow brain for a good solid year after DH passed away. Some days I'm not sure I could have told you my name. I was also angry all the time, about anything. Just angry. I was 30, and so terribly unprepared. I did join a young widows group that pointed out that widow brain is in fact, a thing. Slowly, the fog lifted. So slowly that I barely noticed. It took probably two years before I felt like me again. Two years to stop being so freaking angry. I'm 9 years out now, and re-married. There are still days when something will just hit me, a memory or something, and I miss him so bad it takes my breath away. There is no time line. Everyone is different. I wouldn't admit it to most people but, even though I'm re-married, and I love him dearly, that I would give ANYTHING to have my first husband back again. People just wouldn't understand. My BIL would understand. He is remarried and misses my sister terribly. |
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Post by jenjie on Jan 10, 2016 5:21:39 GMT
How do you feel about moving? If you don't mind me asking. At this point, I wish I could genie blink into someplace new. At first, it was about practicality of things and I didn't really want to move. Now, it just feels heavy here with sadness, and doesn't feel like our home any more. There are things we did to the home that I will miss, and I'm slowly making peace with that. I'm overwhelmed thinking about how this is going to work - particularly with me at work almost 30 hours a week. It may explain my inability to sleep and ulcer diagnosis. lol Mostly, I'm ready to go. I feel terrible for my boys. They are old enough to understand the practicality of the situation, but still this is the only home they have known. I have one son who is a junior in college and my other son is a freshman in high school, so really it's mostly just my 14 year old here with me. It's just too much house now. I dread the spring when the yard work/pool opening rolls around and everything that goes with that. Since the day my husband passed away I have felt like I've been climbing uphill over hurdles. I'm imagining when I get to the other side, in a downsized more simplified life I might feel like I can figure out how to make a new life. I'm not that far from truly being an empty nester (with the exception of my two Labradoodles lol) so I had better figure out who I am alone. It's all very overwhelming isn't it. |
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Post by blarneygirl on Jan 10, 2016 5:30:14 GMT
[/quote]It's all very overwhelming isn't it.[/quote]
Yes, and a daily exercise of "one day at a time", keeping faith, and a giant to-do list!
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Post by lucyg on Jan 10, 2016 6:04:08 GMT
It will get better. Slowly. Hold tight to the friends who are patient and understanding, and lose the ones who tell you not to talk about it. There's a lot more I could say, but I'm feeling kind of overwhelmed by all of you younger widows.  It's not fair. I'm sorry. I am 22 (!!) years out, and I can tell you it gets easier but it never entirely goes away. Not for anyone I know, either, and I know a boatload of widows, unfortunately. |
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zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884 
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Post by zella on Jan 10, 2016 6:12:54 GMT
Jen, I think of you so often. Kind of goes like this. "I feel so bad today. This grief stuff sucks. I don't want to go through this anymore. I can't believe this is happening. But hang on, Jen's out there. And she's going through grief, and doing okay. At least, I think she is. She sure sounds like it. And her whole LIFE has been turned upside down. And she has to take care of her kids, and take over things her husband used to do, and. . . and. . . okay, it sucks. It all sucks. But her sucks is way bigger and suckier than my sucks. And she still takes the time to help me when I'm having a bad day." Something like that. Streams of consciousness are hard to write down. I'm having a sucky day. I hope your sucky days are getting fewer. Because you so, so deserve to be happy. This is a really weird post, and not at all about widow brain.  |
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Post by leftturnonly on Jan 10, 2016 6:29:50 GMT
If you've experienced this, can you tell me how long it lasted? Also if you have any stories you want to share. BTDT, got the tshirt and forgot where I put it. |
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Post by alexa11 on Jan 10, 2016 6:36:54 GMT
I have no tips, but wanted to say that I'm thinking of you. Stay strong.
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Post by leftturnonly on Jan 10, 2016 6:40:59 GMT
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Deleted
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Jun 29, 2024 13:11:32 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 10, 2016 6:45:05 GMT
Seriously, I keep reading this as window brain, which would be scary on my part. Peeping at you through my shutters!
But honestly, huge constant hugs.
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Post by Delta Dawn on Jan 10, 2016 6:51:11 GMT
Jen, I think of you so often. Kind of goes like this. "I feel so bad today. This grief stuff sucks. I don't want to go through this anymore. I can't believe this is happening. But hang on, Jen's out there. And she's going through grief, and doing okay. At least, I think she is. She sure sounds like it. And her whole LIFE has been turned upside down. And she has to take care of her kids, and take over things her husband used to do, and. . . and. . . okay, it sucks. It all sucks. But her sucks is way bigger and suckier than my sucks. And she still takes the time to help me when I'm having a bad day." Something like that. Streams of consciousness are hard to write down. I'm having a sucky day. I hope your sucky days are getting fewer. Because you so, so deserve to be happy. This is a really weird post, and not at all about widow brain. Jen, you are what helps me get through things. If Jen can do it so can I. She has it way worse than I do and she is coping even if she is faking it! You are like a champion here! |
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I was extremely angry one particular day but otherwise mostly sad and emotional. I'm coming to the point where I'm understanding that "my husband died" is reason enough to be sad or be triggered. I kept feeling like I had to evaluate what caused this or that emotional response. But some days it's just I feel sad and unmotivated just because. And it has to be enough. 
It's not fair. I'm sorry.
