My heart is breaking for DD

How old is your DD?? Help her find something that will continue to build her confidence. I would hate to think that this is going to impact her for years.

I'm sorry.

That is so hard. I'm sorry your daughter is hurting, and you right there with her.

It's hard to see our kids hurting. Hopefully it will not be as big as a setback as you are expecting.

(((hugs))) to your dd.

But I must say, she is more than her relationship status.

Like christine58 said, I would encourage her to find something to build her confidence. Like starting a new hobby that she can immerse herself in. Something that she can hold pride in. Something that no one can take away from her.

Perhaps she can take classes to occupy her time and her thoughts. And to give her something to look forward to.

Keep reminding her of her good points.

And realize that she is valuable as a person whether she is in a relationship, or not. Whether she has a bunch of friends, or not. Those are situational aspects of life.

I am so sorry to hear about this! I'm sure it is very hard to see your child dealing with heartache. 

I agree with those who have said that you seeing her as taking years to get over this may inadvertently be making it even more challening. Can I share two stories? 

The first is a section early in the book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Here's a partial PDF, and the story I'm referring to starts on page 7 of the PDF and covers 2 - 3 pages. www.depts.ttu.edu/upwardbound/books/the-7-habits-ofhighly-effective-people.pdf
Stephen Covey talks about how one of their sons was really struggling, and they couldn't seem to make any traction on the issue. At some point, the realized it was because they saw him a certain way, and while they really wanted him to succeed, deep down they believed it would be difficult for him. They worked on changing their view of their son, creating a new paradigm about him, and it was very helpful. The 7 Habits is written dryly in my opinion, but maybe a little piece in those will stick out to you. 

The second is a story someone I know tells, so I'll retell it here. Let me first say, this guy is the NICEST, most thoughtful person, and has a great sense for people, so you'd never think he wasn't being anything but encouraging to his kids. Which is what I think makes this story more powerful - you can be the best parent, and still sometimes inadvertently have limiting beliefs about your kids that you are unconsciously passing on to them. (He tells this story much better, but I will try to shorten.)

John has a daughter, Sarah, who has some developmental challenges. She has limited hearing which has often alienated her socially and she had some other struggles fitting in, finishing school, making friends, etc. Several years back, she was really going through a tough period, I think she was in her late teens or early 20's and still living at home but was really struggling according to him. John has run a few marathons and thought that doing something that would give her a sense of accomplishment would really help her during this time. He asked her if she wanted to train to run a marathon in 6 months, and she said "Really? Do you think I could?" and he of course was very encouraging and said yes. In his heart, he wasn't sure if she could/would do it, but on the outside he was nothing but encouraging. They went out and bought new sneakers, talked about their training plan, and started. After a few weeks, when it started getting colder outside and the runs were getting longer, she quit. John was disappointed but also a little secretly relieved because he could focus on his own training to get under 4 hours.  

Next year rolls around, Sarah's still struggling, and he asks her again if she wants to train for the marathon. She gets excited, says yes, and they start training again. She lasts a little longer this time but drops out after a month or two. Again, John is disappointed but not particularly shocked down at his core. 

Finally, the 3rd year rolls around and John says something changed inside of him. He started to see Sarah as really, truly able to do this - in his core, in his gut. Externally, nothing he said to her changed, he had always been encouraging. Except, he realized, as he reflected on the prior years, small things in his behavior had always reflected how he really felt and what he believed about Sarah, even though he was being very encouraging. For example, because John was trying to work on his time, and Sarah was much shorter/slower than him, they would go for training runs and he would either run far out and run back to her, or he would literally run circles around her so he could keep his pace up. He realized that third year - how discouraging! Also, because she is a very petite person, she had a hard time carrying her water bottles/hydration belt on the longer runs. John started to help her with that, really getting in sync with her and handing her a water bottle when he thought she'd need it without her having to ask for it. He made it all about her success, because at his core he now believed she could. They did complete the marathon together that year and he said it was a turning point for her - and him. 

Anyway, I share those stories not to be like "You're wrong about your daughter!" Frankly, you're probably right that it's going to be very hard for her to get over. But I just want to encourage you that you can be a person who either helps her through that, or you can be a person that reinforces to her that yes, this is harder than normal for her, she is at a disadvantage, it will take years to get over, etc. And I think a lot of that has to do with how you REALLY feel and what you REALLY believe at your core, not just your outside works you say to her. Food for thought. 

i'd say with parcor (parkour?), pole dancing, college, moving a job and a boyfriend in her recent history, she may be more capable than you think. Hopefully she can use her 'stubborness' for good

I have a son with Asperger's who is away at college now. Reread what Lainey and AN have to say--it's good advice. When DS was younger, I spent a lot of time worrying about his lack of friends and trying to find him friends. We tried it all-soccer, chess, theatre, church, taekwondo... He enjoyed a lot of the activities, but really was comfortable being by himself, even in a group.  

It took me a long time to be ok with his perceived lack of friends. But for him, they are his friends and he's ok with the amount of time he sounds with them. It was ME and my pushing for this big circle of friends and stressing him out. He didn't want or need a best buddy to have sleepovers with and tell his deepest secrets. He finds himself pretty good company. 

Sometimes as moms we protect our kids too much. We doesn't want them hurt or disappointed and we inadvertently hold them back from the growth that comes with that personal disappointment. Sure your DD will have a rough time for a while. But let her know (and believe it yourself) that it will be ok. That she will find friends and will have fun again. 

I understand how tough it can be.

If it was my daughter I would first talk myself into believing she can over come this.

Then my conversations with her would be gentle but remind her how far she has come, and how much she has overcome, and that living well is the best revenge. I would tell her to go to work and fake it until she makes it.

Let her feel her pain... but let her know that you know she will move on from this to better things.

Thank you, AN for your post. My middle dd has some challenges and those stories are something I needed to hear.

pas2 - I'm so sorry. I know exactly where you are at right now. My DD is also on the spectrum, 23 yo, very socially awkward, doesn't work with anyone she wants to socialize with and broke up with her boyfriend last year. Its been so tough to get her to go outside her comfort zone to meet new friends and she struggles with anxiety as well.

I'll be thinking of you and your DD.

I'm sorry to hear that. My DD is an introvert and doesn't make friends easily. Its tough going sometimes.