flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Jan 13, 2016 16:38:05 GMT
Please PLEASE ask her if she'll see a counselor with you. Three times. That's it. She is 20yo. That is still a baby and clearly she is making very, very VERY bad choices. She was FIRED from her job! She is living with a drug addict who has had too many car accidents (and probably DUIs) for any normal person. She is lying to you. She doesn't know what to do right now. You know about the snowball rolling down the hill? That is what she is. Right now you're either pushing her or letting her roll. I disagree with everyone about letting her make her own choices. I think you need to make one last ditch effort and it has to be counseling because neither one of you is talking the other's language right now. She is worth it and your relationship is, too. Maybe it won't help, but maybe this will give her just the help she needs to either seek more therapy or be more confident in her decisions. The outcome may not change, but it does not hurt to try. Please talk to her calmly and reasonably and tell her you are at a loss. Ask her to look at it from your point of view. Ask her if she were the mom, what would she do? Stay calm. Tell her you love her and you only want what's best for her and you understand that your choices may be different than hers. Then ask if she'd be willing to go to a therapist for a few times. Tell her you'll support her during that period if she'll give it an honest effort. Tell her you'll listen to the therapist. PLEASE. Your daughter is on a precipice here and just letting her suffer the consequences might be too much. Give her the tools she needs (or give her the choice of getting those tools) to be on her own. Good luck!!! I have to say I agree with this. I can only hope that, at nearly 45 years old, if I were starting to go down the path that this girl is, someone who is close to me would do the same for me. She is where she is because she's vulnerable and being taken advantage of, not because she's the hardened criminal who is doing the advantage-taking. I think there's a difference between holding someone accountable, and micro-managing them, and the line between the two is going to be different for each family and circumstance.
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Deleted
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May 29, 2024 3:24:18 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2016 16:39:17 GMT
At 20 years old it is her choice on whether she wants to do drugs are not. It is no longer your sphere of control. As parents, the only thing you can do is arm them with the information and let them decide. Same thing with her decision on a relationship with this "dude".
The drug test was way overkill on your part. Seriously overkill.
As for the car, I make a choice TODAY on whether to take it back or sign it over. You are currently risking your finances by your DD allowing "dude" to drive it. If he gets into an accident you and DH are 100% liable. However, you have to ask yourself if the car is signed over to DD is she able to manage the responsibility/financials of car ownership?
As for rent, DD needs to figure out if she is going to stay at her current residence or move in with the "dude". It's not your choice, unfortunately.
Parent Adulting (<<< my new term) just sucks some times.
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Post by BoilerUp! on Jan 13, 2016 16:46:49 GMT
@vcr - PLEASE get your car!! Trust me, I am experienced with this situation. Get it back today, or sell it to her for $1 and get it out of your name. My son had his (ours legally) car taken from a party that he had passed out at, and they took it for a joy ride. Trashed it inside, and ran it out of gas - leaving it in the middle of a two lane highway in the middle of the night, pitch dark. No regard for anyones safety. Someone could have been killed! A police friend of ours told us that if someone would have crashed into that car before it was found and impounded, DH and I would have been 100% financially responsible, regardless of who had driven it and left it there. Insurance would have probably dropped us Did your son give permission for the car to be taken? If not, then it was stolen and I don't see how you could have been held responsible. He didn't. He was drinking (in excess) and passed out. When he woke up the next morning, his car was gone. He had no idea where it was or who had taken it. We did report it as stolen once DH and I were informed of what was going on. Through the help of police friends, we found out where the car was, however - DS could not prove who had taken the car, and unfortunately, these people were not going to "tell on one another". Insurance would not cover as stolen because it turned out to be a he said - she said type of incident. DS "thinks" he knows who took it, but no one would say 100% and there were people at this party that he didn't even know- Nice people huh? Either way, if anything terrible would have happened, WE WOULD'VE PAID FOR IT!
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Post by christine58 on Jan 14, 2016 0:54:41 GMT
Any update
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Post by myboysnme on Jan 14, 2016 2:39:31 GMT
When I bought cars for my sons they were for their use. I still have the cars in my name but I would be happy to sign the cars over to them. I gave them the cars as a gift. If my sons were in the circumstance you face with your daughter I would sign the car over to her. I would try to help her get insurance in her own name, at least liability.
I would not be drug testing other adults whether I gave birth to them or not.
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Post by flanz on Jan 14, 2016 7:02:58 GMT
Please PLEASE ask her if she'll see a counselor with you. Three times. That's it. She is 20yo. That is still a baby and clearly she is making very, very VERY bad choices. She was FIRED from her job! She is living with a drug addict who has had too many car accidents (and probably DUIs) for any normal person. She is lying to you. She doesn't know what to do right now. You know about the snowball rolling down the hill? That is what she is. Right now you're either pushing her or letting her roll. I disagree with everyone about letting her make her own choices. I think you need to make one last ditch effort and it has to be counseling because neither one of you is talking the other's language right now. She is worth it and your relationship is, too. Maybe it won't help, but maybe this will give her just the help she needs to either seek more therapy or be more confident in her decisions. The outcome may not change, but it does not hurt to try. Please talk to her calmly and reasonably and tell her you are at a loss. Ask her to look at it from your point of view. Ask her if she were the mom, what would she do? Stay calm. Tell her you love her and you only want what's best for her and you understand that your choices may be different than hers. Then ask if she'd be willing to go to a therapist for a few times. Tell her you'll support her during that period if she'll give it an honest effort. Tell her you'll listen to the therapist. PLEASE. Your daughter is on a precipice here and just letting her suffer the consequences might be too much. Give her the tools she needs (or give her the choice of getting those tools) to be on her own. Good luck!!! I've "liked" a lot of previous replies, but I think this is the best one so far!
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Post by mlynn on Jan 14, 2016 7:47:27 GMT
My advice would be to take back the car. You laid down the law, and she broke it. I would not reward that kind of behavior.
If you do sign it over to her, make her registered owner and leave yourself on as legal owner. This way she is legally responsible for anything that happens, but she/he cannot sell it for drugs or any other reason. (When you purchase a car with financing, the bank is shown as legal owner until the vehicle is paid off.)
Even though she is 20, if you are providing part of her support, you could end up on the hook if anything happens. You might want to leave her on your insurance if this is the case. You might want to discuss this with your insurance agent.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 29, 2024 3:24:18 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2016 11:33:20 GMT
The car was purchased by her grandfather so that I wouldn't have to drive her around. He put it in MY name. His deal with her was that she would drive it to school and work and that when she graduated college (which would have been in May if she had not dropped out) her brother would then get the car to drive and he would buy her a brand new car. We have decided that the car will either be put in her name or given back to her grandfather to sell. My son has no interest in driving and still doesn't have his learners permit.
I offered to pay for her to see a counselor, but she is refusing for now. She came over and we talked to her for an hour last night. She "loves" him and since he didn't get caught dealing drugs it is no big deal. It would only be a big deal if he was caught apparently. Her words BTW. Then she said that he is going to outpatient rehab and getting drug tested every week. That he is stopping for her, because she told him she would leave him if he didn't. I don't believe this because he just posted days ago on facebook that if he has kids and finds pot in their room, he will smoke it with them. (She said that was a joke, because that is what his mom did with him.) I don't know who she is anymore. She was always my good girl. It's like she turned 18 and lost her mind.
The drug test was not forced on her. I asked if she would take it and she did. I wanted to know not only because she drives a vehicle in my name, under my insurance, but I have other children and I am not letting someone on drugs around them.
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Post by krc11 on Jan 14, 2016 15:23:09 GMT
Hugs to you! It's so hard dealing with adult children. I agree that the car has to either get out of your name or you need to take it back. I would also agree that unfortunately, it sounds like she is going to have to learn this lesson on her own. Tell her you love her but can't support her. And then pray she comes to her senses before she is dragged down by this man. But, you cannot make her do anything she doesn't want to do.
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Jan 14, 2016 16:00:44 GMT
The car was purchased by her grandfather so that I wouldn't have to drive her around. He put it in MY name. His deal with her was that she would drive it to school and work and that when she graduated college (which would have been in May if she had not dropped out) her brother would then get the car to drive and he would buy her a brand new car. We have decided that the car will either be put in her name or given back to her grandfather to sell. My son has no interest in driving and still doesn't have his learners permit. I offered to pay for her to see a counselor, but she is refusing for now. She came over and we talked to her for an hour last night. She "loves" him and since he didn't get caught dealing drugs it is no big deal. It would only be a big deal if he was caught apparently. Her words BTW. Then she said that he is going to outpatient rehab and getting drug tested every week. That he is stopping for her, because she told him she would leave him if he didn't. I don't believe this because he just posted days ago on facebook that if he has kids and finds pot in their room, he will smoke it with them. (She said that was a joke, because that is what his mom did with him.) I don't know who she is anymore. She was always my good girl. It's like she turned 18 and lost her mind. The drug test was not forced on her. I asked if she would take it and she did. I wanted to know not only because she drives a vehicle in my name, under my insurance, but I have other children and I am not letting someone on drugs around them.
I know I'm not in the majority on this, but I have no problem with drug-testing a family member, especially when there are reasons to suspect they may not be telling the truth about usage. Drugs cloud judgment and make people do things that they would never have done otherwise. If we as their family don't take steps to help them, who will? Just because they've reached a certain age doesn't mean we wash our hands of them. If they were sick & we feared for their safety we'd help. If they were mentally ill & we feared for their safety we'd help. Isn't addiction considered a disease? To me it just makes much more sense to be proactive when you see a potential for a life destroyed, instead of waiting until that life is already destroyed and then reacting. JMHO.
ETA: About the car, I definitely agree that continuing the usage of the car is a bad idea, especially with the additional information about Grandpa and the conditions that he put on it.
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tiffanytwisted
Pearl Clutcher
you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave
Posts: 4,538
Jun 26, 2014 15:57:39 GMT
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Post by tiffanytwisted on Jan 14, 2016 16:23:02 GMT
I'm another one who hit a whole lotta 'likes'. I agree w/at least part of what everyone else has said.
Of course, the car has to either come out of your name or out of her possession. Sounds like you've got that handled.
While 20 may be legally an adult, we all know their brains aren't fully formed. I think trying for counseling is a great idea because she is clearly floundering. As an adult, she may refuse, but it can't hurt to ask a time or two more.
As for the drug testing, I don't care how old you are, if I am financially supporting you in any way (and letting you drive the car that I technically own counts as financial support) you will pee in a cup if ever I ask you to.
I know it has to be on her terms, but hopefully she'll wake up to the fact that this guy is indeed a loser and she'll get her life back on track.
Hang in there, mom!
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Post by anonrefugee on Jan 14, 2016 18:34:22 GMT
@vcr I have no advice, but didn't want to read and run. My heart goes out to you. We're always told to be careful about children's friendS. But so often their head is turned by one poor choice or negative relationship.
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luckyexwife
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,067
Jun 25, 2014 21:21:08 GMT
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Post by luckyexwife on Jan 14, 2016 18:43:30 GMT
The car was purchased by her grandfather so that I wouldn't have to drive her around. He put it in MY name. His deal with her was that she would drive it to school and work and that when she graduated college (which would have been in May if she had not dropped out) her brother would then get the car to drive and he would buy her a brand new car. We have decided that the car will either be put in her name or given back to her grandfather to sell. My son has no interest in driving and still doesn't have his learners permit. I offered to pay for her to see a counselor, but she is refusing for now. She came over and we talked to her for an hour last night. She "loves" him and since he didn't get caught dealing drugs it is no big deal. It would only be a big deal if he was caught apparently. Her words BTW. Then she said that he is going to outpatient rehab and getting drug tested every week. That he is stopping for her, because she told him she would leave him if he didn't. I don't believe this because he just posted days ago on facebook that if he has kids and finds pot in their room, he will smoke it with them. (She said that was a joke, because that is what his mom did with him.) I don't know who she is anymore. She was always my good girl. It's like she turned 18 and lost her mind. The drug test was not forced on her. I asked if she would take it and she did. I wanted to know not only because she drives a vehicle in my name, under my insurance, but I have other children and I am not letting someone on drugs around them.
I know I'm not in the majority on this, but I have no problem with drug-testing a family member, especially when there are reasons to suspect they may not be telling the truth about usage. Drugs cloud judgment and make people do things that they would never have done otherwise. If we as their family don't take steps to help them, who will? Just because they've reached a certain age doesn't mean we wash our hands of them. If they were sick & we feared for their safety we'd help. If they were mentally ill & we feared for their safety we'd help. Isn't addiction considered a disease? To me it just makes much more sense to be proactive when you see a potential for a life destroyed, instead of waiting until that life is already destroyed and then reacting. JMHO.
ETA: About the car, I definitely agree that continuing the usage of the car is a bad idea, especially with the additional information about Grandpa and the conditions that he put on it.
I agree with all of this. Parenting doesn't end at 18, it changes, but it doesn't end.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 29, 2024 3:24:18 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2016 19:13:26 GMT
Thanks everyone. On her day off next week, we will go to the dmv and put it in her name. She has signed a paper that the car was given to her and insurance is now in her name, not mine. She knows where I stand and that he will never be in my life, but she is always loved and welcomed. I cried until I was sick this morning and I just have to distance myself from her.
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Post by BoilerUp! on Jan 14, 2016 19:16:58 GMT
Thanks everyone. On her day off next week, we will go to the dmv and put it in her name. She has signed a paper that the car was given to her and insurance is now in her name, not mine. She knows where I stand and that he will never be in my life, but she is always loved and welcomed. I cried until I was sick this morning and I just have to distance myself from her. It is hard . . . big hugs to you!!!
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jan 14, 2016 19:32:50 GMT
I'm so sorry things are so rough right now. I'd gently caution you to not make blanket ultimatums right now. It's not that I don't understand your issues with this man. It's just that by distancing yourself from her and forcing her to choose him or you - you're leaving her vulnerable to being isolated from her family. I was one of the ones who said to not try and control her - and by that I didn't mean that parenting is done when the child turns 18 - and sink or swim. It's just that too often, I've seen the harder parents try and force their young adult children to see their mistakes, the more determined the child is to prove their parents wrong. I would absolutely not financially support my adult child if they're deciding to make "adult" decisions about college/jobs/living arrangements. There, I do believe they need to learn first hand the ramifications of these decisions, and financially supporting them will shield them from that reality. Friends/boyfriends is a different matter. I have seen several family members struggle with abusive relationships, and I've swore that the last thing I will do is enable a potential abuser to isolate my child. Just some food for thought. Good luck to you!
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Deleted
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May 29, 2024 3:24:18 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2016 20:18:18 GMT
She knows that I am here whenever she needs me. I just can't trust myself not to say something right now, so I would rather not be the one contact her. She can call or come over anytime. She needs time to process everything on her own. I know that he is trying to isolate her. She only spends time with him and his friends. He is making digs about the 20 pounds she put on since meeting him, but adds "it's okay because I will love you even if you gain 100 lbs." He called her "big" when they went dress shopping New Year's eve and when she got mad, he had a tantrum and canceled his party and made her feel bad and apologize to him for being "sensitive". He is such bad news, but she doesn't see it.
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Post by elaine on Jan 14, 2016 21:51:02 GMT
She knows that I am here whenever she needs me. I just can't trust myself not to say something right now, so I would rather not be the one contact her. She can call or come over anytime. She needs time to process everything on her own. I know that he is trying to isolate her. She only spends time with him and his friends. He is making digs about the 20 pounds she put on since meeting him, but adds "it's okay because I will love you even if you gain 100 lbs." He called her "big" when they went dress shopping New Year's eve and when she got mad, he had a tantrum and canceled his party and made her feel bad and apologize to him for being "sensitive". He is such bad news, but she doesn't see it. She sees it. If she didn't, she wouldn't be telling you all of this. She never would have mentioned the digs, the tantrum, etc., if she didn't know that it was awful behavior on his part. She needs help. Something is going on her life that has her believing that this is what she deserves and/or needs to settle for. I don't know what it is, or what it was, that has lead her to cling to a toxic relationship. If I were her parent, I'd probably say, next time she tells you a horrid example of his behavior, "wow, it sounds like you might want to explore with a counselor why you would let someone talk to you/treat you that way." And offer to pay for therapy again. If you focus on helping her like and respect herself more, rather than focusing on how much you hate him, you will probably be pleasantly surprised with getting what YOU want as her parent. If you help build her up psychologically, she will probably make healthier choices.
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likescarrots
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,879
Aug 16, 2014 17:52:53 GMT
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Post by likescarrots on Jan 14, 2016 23:52:05 GMT
I'm curious when brains stopped forming and 20 year olds stopped being adults. At 20 years old my father had served 2 tours of Vietnam and my mother was married and had her first child. I was already in a relationship with my husband who I've been with for 17 years, despite my baby brain. Some of my friends had served in Afghanistan by 20. I find some of the things being said on this thread pretty offensive, and parents are doing themselves and their children a disservice with these opinions.
Sure, OPs daughter is making some dumb choices, but all kinds of people, young and old, make bad decisions.
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Jan 15, 2016 1:21:16 GMT
She knows that I am here whenever she needs me. I just can't trust myself not to say something right now, so I would rather not be the one contact her. She can call or come over anytime. She needs time to process everything on her own. I know that he is trying to isolate her. She only spends time with him and his friends. He is making digs about the 20 pounds she put on since meeting him, but adds "it's okay because I will love you even if you gain 100 lbs." He called her "big" when they went dress shopping New Year's eve and when she got mad, he had a tantrum and canceled his party and made her feel bad and apologize to him for being "sensitive". He is such bad news, but she doesn't see it. She sees it. If she didn't, she wouldn't be telling you all of this. She never would have mentioned the digs, the tantrum, etc., if she didn't know that it was awful behavior on his part. She needs help. Something is going on her life that has her believing that this is what she deserves and/or needs to settle for. I don't know what it is, or what it was, that has lead her to cling to a toxic relationship. If I were her parent, I'd probably say, next time she tells you a horrid example of his behavior, "wow, it sounds like you might want to explore with a counselor why you would let someone talk to you/treat you that way." And offer to pay for therapy again. If you focus on helping her like and respect herself more, rather than focusing on how much you hate him, you will probably be pleasantly surprised with getting what YOU want as her parent. If you help build her up psychologically, she will probably make healthier choices. I think this is great advice!!
I also had huge red flags show up when O/P posted the things the guy was saying/doing. He sounds exactly like my former BIL (except for the drugs), and my sister couldn't see it until after he had cheated & she was able to get away from him. She's going on 2 years since that happened, and even though he's now married to the fine lady he cheated with and they are supposedly having a child, he STILL wants to control every little aspect of my sister's life, and she still needs support & encouragement not to give in to his ridiculous requests.
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tiffanytwisted
Pearl Clutcher
you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave
Posts: 4,538
Jun 26, 2014 15:57:39 GMT
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Post by tiffanytwisted on Jan 15, 2016 14:45:20 GMT
I'm curious when brains stopped forming and 20 year olds stopped being adults. At 20 years old my father had served 2 tours of Vietnam and my mother was married and had her first child. I was already in a relationship with my husband who I've been with for 17 years, despite my baby brain. Some of my friends had served in Afghanistan by 20. I find some of the things being said on this thread pretty offensive, and parents are doing themselves and their children a disservice with these opinions. Sure, OPs daughter is making some dumb choices, but all kinds of people, young and old, make bad decisions. Yes, legally everyone is an adult at 18. However, studies have been done showing that the brain isn't fully developed until the mid-twenties. And before you ask, no I don't have a link. I just remember a teacher friend of mine going to a conference where she was told that. Doesn't mean there can't be consequences for your actions and that you shouldn't be held accountable, just means it's something to consider when, as a parent, you decide what the consequences will be. I don't expect a 5 yr. old to behave the same way as a 17 yr. old. And I don't expect my 19 yr. old to behave the same way as my husband. It's a matter of perspective when dealing w/the situation at hand.
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Post by SnowWhite on Jan 15, 2016 15:54:54 GMT
I'm curious when brains stopped forming and 20 year olds stopped being adults. At 20 years old my father had served 2 tours of Vietnam and my mother was married and had her first child. I was already in a relationship with my husband who I've been with for 17 years, despite my baby brain. Some of my friends had served in Afghanistan by 20. I find some of the things being said on this thread pretty offensive, and parents are doing themselves and their children a disservice with these opinions. Sure, OPs daughter is making some dumb choices, but all kinds of people, young and old, make bad decisions. Yes, legally everyone is an adult at 18. However, studies have been done showing that the brain isn't fully developed until the mid-twenties. And before you ask, no I don't have a link. I just remember a teacher friend of mine going to a conference where she was told that. To further that, I read an article (no, I don't have a link either) that said that before the brain fully develops in the mid-20s, kids (I'm just going to call them that, regardless of age), when weighing options, tend to give more weight to the pros and underweight the cons. So it's not that they don't fully analyze the possible outcomes, it's that they skew the table towards the things they want and don't properly evaluate the negative outcomes. I thought that was really interesting.
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my3freaks
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,206
Location: NH girl living in Colorado
Jun 26, 2014 4:10:56 GMT
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Post by my3freaks on Jan 16, 2016 5:03:21 GMT
You have to come to terms with the reality that you cannot control your adult daughter's choices. Stop trying to use the car for leverage. If you had intended to give/sell her the car - do so. If it was a temporary loan, go and pick it up. Don't play games or think you're going to convince her to leave this man over a car. The more you try and convince her he's a loser, the more she's going to try and prove you wrong. Unfortunately some people need to learn lessons the hard way. I agree with this. She is going to have to learn on her own that he sucks, trying to bully her into it will.not.work. Has the car always been referred to as hers, and only become a big issue since this guy came into the picture? She's 20, and doesn't live at home. I don't see how you and your husband have any say about where she's staying if you're paying her living expenses, and frankly, I'm surprised she took the drug test at all. I was a kid that made poor choices and had to learn lessons the hard way. I dated, and lived with a guy my parents HATED. I knew they didn't like him, but they knew from experience, when I was in high school, that the more they voiced their dislike and opinion of him, the more I would like him and was determined to "fix" him and prove them wrong. I know there is concern about bailing her out, etc and in some ways it's not helpful when you're used to always being taken care of. There are definitely things I struggle with as an adult b/c I was pretty coddled as kid and always rescued. On the other hand, there is something really great to be said for knowing that home is always there. It's just a safe feeling knowing you can go home if you need to.
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Post by annabella on Jan 16, 2016 5:24:38 GMT
My DD was his boss at her job, A 20 year old was the boss of a 30 year old? Do they work for minimum wage? Tell her to think about her future and does she want to be with a broke ass man who can't take care of himself and making the same pay as her? Make sure she understands to never run any drug errands for him. If she's caught selling drugs once, she will get a long prison sentence.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 29, 2024 3:24:18 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2016 10:55:05 GMT
My DD was his boss at her job, A 20 year old was the boss of a 30 year old? Do they work for minimum wage? Tell her to think about her future and does she want to be with a broke ass man who can't take care of himself and making the same pay as her? Make sure she understands to never run any drug errands for him. If she's caught selling drugs once, she will get a long prison sentence. He was working for minimum wage, she was making $13 an hour plus bonuses. I have told her all of this.
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Jan 16, 2016 14:47:18 GMT
You have to come to terms with the reality that you cannot control your adult daughter's choices. Stop trying to use the car for leverage. If you had intended to give/sell her the car - do so. If it was a temporary loan, go and pick it up. Don't play games or think you're going to convince her to leave this man over a car. The more you try and convince her he's a loser, the more she's going to try and prove you wrong. Unfortunately some people need to learn lessons the hard way. I agree with this. She is going to have to learn on her own that he sucks, trying to bully her into it will.not.work. Has the car always been referred to as hers, and only become a big issue since this guy came into the picture? She's 20, and doesn't live at home. I don't see how you and your husband have any say about where she's staying if you're paying her living expenses, and frankly, I'm surprised she took the drug test at all. I was a kid that made poor choices and had to learn lessons the hard way. I dated, and lived with a guy my parents HATED. I knew they didn't like him, but they knew from experience, when I was in high school, that the more they voiced their dislike and opinion of him, the more I would like him and was determined to "fix" him and prove them wrong. I know there is concern about bailing her out, etc and in some ways it's not helpful when you're used to always being taken care of. There are definitely things I struggle with as an adult b/c I was pretty coddled as kid and always rescued. On the other hand, there is something really great to be said for knowing that home is always there. It's just a safe feeling knowing you can go home if you need to. I strongly disagree with this. Why would I pay for an apartment that she's not living in? Why would I pay deadbeat's rent?
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Deleted
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May 29, 2024 3:24:18 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2016 16:40:01 GMT
She is paying for her own apartment. I did have to loan her the money for December, because she lost her job, but I made her sign a promissory note that she would pay it back with her income tax. She and her roommate could put in a 2 month notice and then paid a $1000 fee to release them from the lease, but neither wanted to do that.
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my3freaks
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,206
Location: NH girl living in Colorado
Jun 26, 2014 4:10:56 GMT
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Post by my3freaks on Jan 17, 2016 6:00:59 GMT
I agree with this. She is going to have to learn on her own that he sucks, trying to bully her into it will.not.work. Has the car always been referred to as hers, and only become a big issue since this guy came into the picture? She's 20, and doesn't live at home. I don't see how you and your husband have any say about where she's staying if you're paying her living expenses, and frankly, I'm surprised she took the drug test at all. I was a kid that made poor choices and had to learn lessons the hard way. I dated, and lived with a guy my parents HATED. I knew they didn't like him, but they knew from experience, when I was in high school, that the more they voiced their dislike and opinion of him, the more I would like him and was determined to "fix" him and prove them wrong. I know there is concern about bailing her out, etc and in some ways it's not helpful when you're used to always being taken care of. There are definitely things I struggle with as an adult b/c I was pretty coddled as kid and always rescued. On the other hand, there is something really great to be said for knowing that home is always there. It's just a safe feeling knowing you can go home if you need to. I strongly disagree with this. Why would I pay for an apartment that she's not living in? Why would I pay deadbeat's rent? I'm sorry!! That was a typo, I meant if you are *NOT* paying her living expenses. You should definitely not be paying the deadbeats rent!! If you are paying her rent, I missed that in the posts.
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Post by k8smom on Jan 17, 2016 9:11:08 GMT
I totally get it. My dd has invested 3 years in someone who I also have issue with. Not exactly the happily ever after we'd envisioned for our daughters... but... the other posters are right. The more you try to control the issue, the more resistance you will encounter. It was hard but I just had to back off and let it play out, one way or another, and so will you. Even if this works in the short term, the whole bring-the-car-back ultimatum, it will cause issues because she will feel as though she was forced to choose. Better to let her do a big ol' belly flop on her own and be there to pick up the pieces than take away her options. Then she will only have herself to blame, and will appreciate your help even more.
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