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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2016 3:10:03 GMT
I just need to hear that I am doing the right thing.
Situation:
My DD is 20, dating a guy in his 30's. He told her he loved her and wanted to marry her after 1 month of dating. (His last girlfriend of 15 years had left him just before they started dating) My DD was his boss at her job, but ended up fired because of him. He was also fired and is now working part-time at a carwash. I found out through facebook that he is a pothead. (I surprised her with a home drug test after finding this out and she passed.) She left her apartment and is staying with him because he needed someone to drive him around. (He has had 3 accidents in the last 6 months that totaled his cars. He had bare minimum insurance so he is waiting on getting money from the last accident for a car.)
I found out from her roommate that he was driving my car and laid the law down. I just found out that he drove it again a few days ago. I also found out from her roommate that he had a package delivered to their apartment that she believes contained pot (DD didn't deny, but is saying he doesn't deal that anymore). I am completely anti-drugs and have cut off other family completely over any drug use.
The car she drives is in my name, under my insurance. I just want to get the car back. She wants me to sign it over to her. I know that if she manages to come up with the money for tags and insurance, that she probably won't keep it insured. Chances are he will be driving it.
My DH told her she can move back to her apartment by this weekend or drop the car off. Without the car, she can't go to her new job, and she will end up not being able to pay her roommate (lease is until July) who is also like a daughter to us.
What do I do? I know in my head that I should make her suffer the consequences of her actions, but it is killing my heart. I know that she is where she is because we or my parents have been protecting her from her actions the last few years.
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quiltz
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Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Jan 13, 2016 3:13:56 GMT
What do I do? I know in my head that I should make her suffer the consequences of her actions, but it is killing my heart. I know that she is where she is because we or my parents have been protecting her from her actions the last few years. You let the consequences lie where they will. She is an adult. Time for her to face the rest of her life.
Take back the car as she cannot be trusted.
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Kerri W
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Location: Kentucky
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Post by Kerri W on Jan 13, 2016 3:16:29 GMT
At 20 yo, IMO, the only thing you *can* do is get your car back or sell it to her and have everything in her name. Definitely don't allow her to keep it in your name. The mom in me would have 'one last say' about my feelings regarding the situation, then I'd back away. I would always love my child and she would be welcome at my home but she would not be welcome to take up residence, I would not supply her with a car and I would not support her in any way financially. I would also not make the assumption that I have any right to control her personal relationships.
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johnnysmom
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Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Jan 13, 2016 3:29:27 GMT
It sounds like she's not under your roof so the drug test seems extreme. That said, you certainly can take away the car and any other financial support you provide. Also if you think he's dealing you could place an anonymous call to the cops. Just realize that she'll likely go further into his arms, be prepared for the fallout (not saying not to, just think carefully).
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georgiapea
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Posts: 6,846
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Post by georgiapea on Jan 13, 2016 3:30:37 GMT
I would likely sign the car over to her so she has transportation and take her off my insurance. That this man has cost her a job doesn't seem to have sunk in that he is bad news. You are in a really tough spot but if she's not living at home there's not much else you can do. I hope she realizes soon that this man is a dead albatross.
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Post by SnowWhite on Jan 13, 2016 3:32:22 GMT
It sounds like she's not under your roof so the drug test seems extreme. If she's driving a car in the OP's name, under the OP's insurance, drug testing the daughter is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. Driving under the influence is driving under the influence, regardless of the drug of choice. |
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Post by Delta Dawn on Jan 13, 2016 3:35:20 GMT
I would likely sign the car over to her so she has transportation and take her off my insurance. That this man has cost her a job doesn't seem to have sunk in that he is bad news. You are in a really tough spot but if she's not living at home there's not much else you can do. I hope she realizes soon that this man is a dead albatross. Carrion? Yeah, he does sound like bad news. He cost her her job? Yeah, not a good catch. |
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kate
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Post by kate on Jan 13, 2016 4:06:20 GMT
She ended up fired from her other job because of him? Yikes. Yes, get your car back, since she is not honoring the rules about it. My kids are not yet old enough for these shenanigans, but I'm sure I'll get my share of them when the time comes.  My (inexperienced) advice is to be firm on the car because you don't want to be tied up with him driving it, but be gentle and respectful with her about her choices so that she doesn't feel "shamed" into staying with this bozo. But what do I know... |
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Post by Zee on Jan 13, 2016 4:11:11 GMT
A drug test for a 20 y/o who no longer lives at home? That sounds hyper-controlling.
Either sign the car over or go get it, take her off the insurance, let the chips fall where they may. You legally can't do much more than that.
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Post by shaniam on Jan 13, 2016 4:20:17 GMT
Tough situation. I would be firm on the car. With it in your name and your insurance you could be liable for something she or he does while driving it. Neither one of them might have anything to lose if they wind up in a nasty lawsuit but you might. I wouldn't say much about the boyfriend. She will probably need some time to come to the conclusion he is a loser. Be there for her when that happens.
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mallie
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Post by mallie on Jan 13, 2016 4:33:11 GMT
There is no way I'd give a car to someone who didn't respect me and the tremendous privilege of a free car by not a body by my reasonable rules for its u see. That's rewarding bad behavior and teaching her that she can flout the rules and get a free car. No way. That car would have already been gone the second time she broke the rules, to be honest.
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Post by dockmaster on Jan 13, 2016 4:46:06 GMT
When we bought oldest dd's car, it came with rules.
1. The xar is for her use.
2. No driving under the influence.
3. Upon college graduation we would sign over the title to her.
The 1st time I foumd out she broke either of the 1st two rules, the car comes home to us. Period.
We bought her a new car for high school graduation. It is in my dh's name and on our insurance. No way am I going to allow my child to jeopardize our family's livelihood, by making poor choices. There are no 2nd chances.
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Deleted
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May 14, 2024 23:40:43 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2016 4:50:27 GMT
I just need to hear that I am doing the right thing. Situation: My DD is 20, dating a guy in his 30's. He told her he loved her and wanted to marry her after 1 month of dating. (His last girlfriend of 15 years had left him just before they started dating) My DD was his boss at her job, but ended up fired because of him. He was also fired and is now working part-time at a carwash. I found out through facebook that he is a pothead. (I surprised her with a home drug test after finding this out and she passed.) She left her apartment and is staying with him because he needed someone to drive him around. (He has had 3 accidents in the last 6 months that totaled his cars. He had bare minimum insurance so he is waiting on getting money from the last accident for a car.) I found out from her roommate that he was driving my car and laid the law down. I just found out that he drove it again a few days ago. I also found out from her roommate that he had a package delivered to their apartment that she believes contained pot (DD didn't deny, but is saying he doesn't deal that anymore). I am completely anti-drugs and have cut off other family completely over any drug use. The car she drives is in my name, under my insurance. I just want to get the car back. She wants me to sign it over to her. I know that if she manages to come up with the money for tags and insurance, that she probably won't keep it insured. Chances are he will be driving it. M y DH told her she can move back to her apartment by this weekend or drop the car off. Without the car, she can't go to her new job, and she will end up not being able to pay her roommate (lease is until July) who is also like a daughter to us. What do I do? I know in my head that I should make her suffer the consequences of her actions, but it is killing my heart. I know that she is where she is because we or my parents have been protecting her from her actions the last few years. So, she "moves back" for how long? just the week end? Stays with the bf for 3 days and with her roomie 3 days? Stays at her apartment but lends the car to the bf for the week? As long as the car is in your name you are on the hook for anything done in it or with it. If it is in a wreck or gets towed YOU get the bill. She has repeatedly proven she won't honor your rules of only her being the driver. I would not sign it over to her either. The car comes home and she figures out how to get to work without it. She wants to live like an independent adult without following your rules she can live it to the fullest. The bail outs should have stopped 10 years ago. If they don't stop now you'll still be bailing her out in another 10 years and with each decade it gets harder to stop. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2016 5:13:29 GMT
There is absolutely nothing you can do, but take the car away.
Nothing.
Until she catches him cheating.
I would tell the roommate to get another roommate.
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Post by mrssmith on Jan 13, 2016 6:38:28 GMT
The car she drives is in my name, under my insurance. I just want to get the car back. She wants me to sign it over to her. I know that if she manages to come up with the money for tags and insurance, that she probably won't keep it insured. Chances are he will be driving it. My DH told her she can move back to her apartment by this weekend or drop the car off. Without the car, she can't go to her new job, and she will end up not being able to pay her roommate (lease is until July) who is also like a daughter to us. You should get the car back ASAP. What were the guidelines re: her having this car? Did you and your DH purchase it so she could get to work and/or because she couldn't afford it? |
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Jan 13, 2016 10:53:31 GMT
Take back the car as she cannot be trusted. This. Also, as others have said, if slimy bf wrecks the car, or God forbid, hurts someone while driving your car under the influence, you/your insurance could be held responsible. Also if you think he's dealing you could place an anonymous call to the cops. I agree. Also, she's twenty. He's in his thirties. Although she's legally an adult, he has way more life experience than she does. He is taking advantage of her. He's manipulated her into using her/your car. Into staying with him instead of her own apartment. But he has no problem having a hand in her losing her job. She may be too inexperienced to realize that he will throw her to the wolves if he gets caught dealing. She's the first name he will throw out to the cops to get himself off the hook. I would have a background check run on him. I would want to know anything I could. I'd want to know if he had a record. |
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Jan 13, 2016 11:54:16 GMT
My (inexperienced) advice is to be firm on the car because you don't want to be tied up with him driving it, but be gentle and respectful with her about her choices so that she doesn't feel "shamed" into staying with this bozo. But what do I know... I think your advice sounds pretty good. |
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Post by christine58 on Jan 13, 2016 12:10:11 GMT
Either take the car back or turn it over. If she or he crashes etc, you are responsible.
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Post by nurseypants on Jan 13, 2016 12:17:54 GMT
I just need to hear that I am doing the right thing. Situation: My DD is 20, dating a guy in his 30's. He told her he loved her and wanted to marry her after 1 month of dating. (His last girlfriend of 15 years had left him just before they started dating) My DD was his boss at her job, but ended up fired because of him. He was also fired and is now working part-time at a carwash. I found out through facebook that he is a pothead. (I surprised her with a home drug test after finding this out and she passed.) She left her apartment and is staying with him because he needed someone to drive him around. (He has had 3 accidents in the last 6 months that totaled his cars. He had bare minimum insurance so he is waiting on getting money from the last accident for a car.) I found out from her roommate that he was driving my car and laid the law down. I just found out that he drove it again a few days ago. I also found out from her roommate that he had a package delivered to their apartment that she believes contained pot (DD didn't deny, but is saying he doesn't deal that anymore). I am completely anti-drugs and have cut off other family completely over any drug use. The car she drives is in my name, under my insurance. I just want to get the car back. She wants me to sign it over to her. I know that if she manages to come up with the money for tags and insurance, that she probably won't keep it insured. Chances are he will be driving it. My DH told her she can move back to her apartment by this weekend or drop the car off. Without the car, she can't go to her new job, and she will end up not being able to pay her roommate (lease is until July) who is also like a daughter to us. What do I do? I know in my head that I should make her suffer the consequences of her actions, but it is killing my heart. I know that she is where she is because we or my parents have been protecting her from her actions the last few years. You should take the car back and let the chips fall where they may. But you probably won't. |
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moodyblue
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Location: Western Illinois
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Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Jan 13, 2016 12:58:48 GMT
Take the car back. She's shown herself to be irresponsible by allowing him to drive it. And you will be the one on the hook should he have an accident driving it or get stopped. In many places your car could be seized by the authorities if he is picked up for anything illegal while driving it. Won't matter whose name is on the title; they can still take it.
You explain that to your daughter as you take the car and that should be all you need to say.
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Post by BoilerUp! on Jan 13, 2016 13:34:17 GMT
@vcr - PLEASE get your car!! Trust me, I am experienced with this situation. Get it back today, or sell it to her for $1 and get it out of your name.
My son had his (ours legally) car taken from a party that he had passed out at, and they took it for a joy ride. Trashed it inside, and ran it out of gas - leaving it in the middle of a two lane highway in the middle of the night, pitch dark. No regard for anyones safety. Someone could have been killed!
A police friend of ours told us that if someone would have crashed into that car before it was found and impounded, DH and I would have been 100% financially responsible, regardless of who had driven it and left it there. Insurance would have probably dropped us.
The car was almost totaled there was so much wrong with it after they were done. DH and I had to pay for it ALL!
Needless to say, the reality of knowing that we could have lost everything we have worked for our entire lives based on our then 20 year old sons poor choices, left me literally feeling ill. We sold that car after it was repaired, gave him the money (that was originally his graduation gift - down payment) and told him that is all he had to buy a new car and pay for a years worth of insurance. After that, we were done! Told him NOT to call us if something needs repaired, as this was "his car". He wanted to be treated like an adult, he needed to act like one and start paying for his own stuff.
As for the roommate - That is on DD. It is her financial responsibility, not yours!
My motto with my DS over the course of the last year is this: If you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences! I heard it on Dr. Phil one day and it resignated with me.
Good luck, its hard . . . I've been there. But, its best for you and your sanity in the long run.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2016 13:53:41 GMT
She's an adult. She can worry about her own transportation, her own living arrangements, her own insurance money. She wants the freedom to make her own decisions, so now it's time to pay for them. If she's going to live in the real world, let her see what the real world is like.
You said that you've protected her from the consequences of her actions. Stop. Right now. You are not doing her any favors. I know our natural tendency as parents is to protect our kids, but we also have to let them grow up and learn from their mistakes.
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tduby1
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Posts: 2,979
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Post by tduby1 on Jan 13, 2016 14:03:45 GMT
@vcr - PLEASE get your car!! Trust me, I am experienced with this situation. Get it back today, or sell it to her for $1 and get it out of your name. My son had his (ours legally) car taken from a party that he had passed out at, and they took it for a joy ride. Trashed it inside, and ran it out of gas - leaving it in the middle of a two lane highway in the middle of the night, pitch dark. No regard for anyones safety. Someone could have been killed! A police friend of ours told us that if someone would have crashed into that car before it was found and impounded, DH and I would have been 100% financially responsible, regardless of who had  driven it and left it there. Insurance would have probably dropped us Did your son give permission for the car to be taken? If not, then it was stolen and I don't see how you could have been held responsible. |
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Deleted
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May 14, 2024 23:40:43 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2016 14:35:38 GMT
@vcr - PLEASE get your car!! Trust me, I am experienced with this situation. Get it back today, or sell it to her for $1 and get it out of your name. My son had his (ours legally) car taken from a party that he had passed out at, and they took it for a joy ride. Trashed it inside, and ran it out of gas - leaving it in the middle of a two lane highway in the middle of the night, pitch dark. No regard for anyones safety. Someone could have been killed! A police friend of ours told us that if someone would have crashed into that car before it was found and impounded, DH and I would have been 100% financially responsible, regardless of who had driven it and left it there. Insurance would have probably dropped us. The car was almost totaled there was so much wrong with it after they were done. DH and I had to pay for it ALL! Needless to say, the reality of knowing that we could have lost everything we have worked for our entire lives based on our then 20 year old sons poor choices, left me literally feeling ill. We sold that car after it was repaired, gave him the money (that was originally his graduation gift - down payment) and told him that is all he had to buy a new car and pay for a years worth of insurance. After that, we were done! Told him NOT to call us if something needs repaired, as this was "his car". He wanted to be treated like an adult, he needed to act like one and start paying for his own stuff. As for the roommate - That is on DD. It is her financial responsibility, not yours! My motto with my DS over the course of the last year is this: If you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences! I heard it on Dr. Phil one day and it resignated with me. Good luck, its hard . . . I've been there. But, its best for you and your sanity in the long run.  That is great advice. We got a million dollar umbrella policy years ago when our kids started driving to protect ourselves from anything that might happened. Didn't want to lose what we spent years building.... |
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jan 13, 2016 14:44:33 GMT
You have to come to terms with the reality that you cannot control your adult daughter's choices. Stop trying to use the car for leverage. If you had intended to give/sell her the car - do so. If it was a temporary loan, go and pick it up. Don't play games or think you're going to convince her to leave this man over a car. The more you try and convince her he's a loser, the more she's going to try and prove you wrong. Unfortunately some people need to learn lessons the hard way.
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blue tulip
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Post by blue tulip on Jan 13, 2016 15:01:30 GMT
is your daughter dating my brother? 100% serious, is she living in west MI? he's a deadbeat loser who tells insecure, low self esteem girls whatever they want so he can move in with them (tho I hear he just got his "own place" so the next girl could move in with him), he's in his 30s and can't keep a job, and is dealing drugs apparently- tho I hear it's cocaine and not pot.
if the car isn't worth much or is paid off, I would consider signing it over to her, even tho it would feel like I was rewarding her by giving it to her. if she can't pay the insurance, then that's what happens. but unlike if you took it back, she can't resent you for taking away her transportation to work. if he IS dealing and she loses her legit job, she'll probably just join him and start making money that way. seeing as how she's apparently swallowed all the other lies, warning signs and bad behavior without blinking. whatever you do, get the car away from her or your name off, before he wrecks it and you're on the hook.
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Post by anxiousmom on Jan 13, 2016 15:05:45 GMT
I have a 20 year old. I can't tell you what to do, but I will tell you what I would do.
The car? Since it is my name, it is really mine that I let you use. If there are rules that aren't being followed, then you lose the right to drive the car.
The rest...the kid is 20. That is legally an adult. Of course they are always our children, and on some level we know that 20 year olds don't always make good choices, but by that age they are responsible for their own actions. Where she lives, who she lives with, what kind of job she works, how she gets to and from that job, what she eats, drinks, and whatever-those are her choices. Presumably I have done my job teaching right from wrong and by the time the kid is 20 it is on them to apply those lessons.
It isn't my job to micromanage a 20 year old's life anymore. I have one too, and it is now his life to live. He is much loved, but I am not here to tell him how to live his life. If he makes choices that don't work out for him, I will give him all the support I can in the form of advice (if he wants it) or an ear to listen. But I don't get to tell him what to do and expect him to actually do it.
Then again, I say this from the perspective as someone who is no longer financially supporting the 20 year old because of some of his bone head choices.
(Flip side of that is that it would never occur to me to even consider a drug test for a 20 year old.)
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Post by Really Red on Jan 13, 2016 15:10:07 GMT
Please PLEASE ask her if she'll see a counselor with you. Three times. That's it. She is 20yo. That is still a baby and clearly she is making very, very VERY bad choices. She was FIRED from her job! She is living with a drug addict who has had too many car accidents (and probably DUIs) for any normal person. She is lying to you.
She doesn't know what to do right now. You know about the snowball rolling down the hill? That is what she is. Right now you're either pushing her or letting her roll. I disagree with everyone about letting her make her own choices. I think you need to make one last ditch effort and it has to be counseling because neither one of you is talking the other's language right now. She is worth it and your relationship is, too. Maybe it won't help, but maybe this will give her just the help she needs to either seek more therapy or be more confident in her decisions.
The outcome may not change, but it does not hurt to try. Please talk to her calmly and reasonably and tell her you are at a loss. Ask her to look at it from your point of view. Ask her if she were the mom, what would she do? Stay calm. Tell her you love her and you only want what's best for her and you understand that your choices may be different than hers. Then ask if she'd be willing to go to a therapist for a few times. Tell her you'll support her during that period if she'll give it an honest effort. Tell her you'll listen to the therapist. PLEASE. Your daughter is on a precipice here and just letting her suffer the consequences might be too much. Give her the tools she needs (or give her the choice of getting those tools) to be on her own.
Good luck!!!
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Post by mikklynn on Jan 13, 2016 16:14:08 GMT
You know what you have to do. Take the car. She'll have to figure the rest out.
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uksue
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Post by uksue on Jan 13, 2016 16:24:09 GMT
She ended up fired from her other job because of him? Yikes. Yes, get your car back, since she is not honoring the rules about it. My kids are not yet old enough for these shenanigans, but I'm sure I'll get my share of them when the time comes. My (inexperienced) advice is to be firm on the car because you don't want to be tied up with him driving it, but be gentle and respectful with her about her choices so that she doesn't feel "shamed" into staying with this bozo. But what do I know... This. As Judge Judy would say, at 20 she isn't 'cooked' yet and sometimes we have to find a way to protect ourselves or our children that will unfortunately inconvenience someone.she will probably stay with him but at least you won't be worried about legal complications with the car. |
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That is great advice. We got a million dollar umbrella policy years ago when our kids started driving to protect ourselves from anything that might happened. Didn't want to lose what we spent years building....
