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Post by vspindler on Mar 13, 2016 3:30:29 GMT
My mil is one of those people who "means well, but..." She wants the grandkids to spend time with her but they don't want to because of how she treats them. She does not mistreat them in any way. What she does do is talk down to them, very patronizing, and like they are much younger than they are. Most recent example, this week my 9 yr old dd was sick and spent they day at MIL and FIL's. MIL thought she and dd would make some chocolate chip cookies. My dd is starting to cook and bake totally on her own (she loves cooking shows) but she is only allowed to "help" mil like you do with a little kid. When I picked her up MIL made a big deal about telling me how dd learned how many 3/4 measuring cups they needed to use to get their 2 1/4 cups of flour. My dd is in 4th grade but is taking advanced math (a grade or more higher). She knows how how to multiply and divide fractions, has for a while now, much less to add them. Dd was pretty put out after spending the afternoon with MIL. Like to the point where she barely gave MIL a goodbye hug.
My teenage son, it may be too late for, but there is still a fair bit of time for dd to spend with her grandmother. My dh is of the mindset that the kids need to suck it up and just spend the time with grandma. ("Heck, she still treats me like I am four sometimes.") I was thinking though that if we maybe said something to MIL perhaps she would make the effort to really know dd, and dd could actually want to spend time with her grandmother.
i don't know. Maybe it wouldn't make a difference. But right now she has no clue who the kids really are (truthfully she doesn't really even 'know' dh either. He is actually more himself around my family than his.) but IMO if we don't do something different, nothing will change.
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Post by sues on Mar 13, 2016 3:41:44 GMT
I can see how that's aggravating for the kids. My daughter's biggest pet peeve is when adults talk down to her or treat her like she's a little kid.
But your husband has a point. Maybe a happy medium would be talking to the kids and figuring out things to say/do when Gran starts talking or acting like that. It may be possible to turn her around a little.
If not, there is some value in kids learning to suck it up for the greater good sometimes. Grandma isn't trying to be condescending or hurtful. She just doesn't know or realize what she's doing. It will not make them happy now, but I don't think they will ever regret it.
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Post by jbelle on Mar 13, 2016 3:59:15 GMT
Teach your children how to enjoy grandma's idiosyncrasies. We all have something that is annoying to others, but as long as grandma is not being hurtful, it could be funny. When I hear "OK Grandma" said in the sweetest way to my mom from her grandchildren, that is code for YOU WIN ha! Soon after that, my mom will sneaks up to me and whisper, that's right. These grandchildren are not going to get the best of me.  So Don't out right tell MIL about how she is treating the children. A sweet reminder to her now and then like oh my goodness mama, haven't you noticed how DD is so independent for 9 years old? She has learned how to do x and can do y and z all by herself. She is very helpful to us at home and does so and so at school. Isn't it wonderful what she can do at her age? It's the little quirks that make a family interesting anyway. |
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Post by maryland on Mar 13, 2016 4:16:03 GMT
My mom still treats me like I am 10!
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Post by hollymolly on Mar 13, 2016 4:20:13 GMT
Teach your children how to enjoy grandma's idiosyncrasies. We all have something that is annoying to others, but as long as grandma is not being hurtful, it could be funny. When I hear "OK Grandma" said in the sweetest way to my mom from her grandchildren, that is code for YOU WIN ha! Soon after that, my mom will sneaks up to me and whisper, that's right. These grandchildren are not going to get the best of me. So Don't out right tell MIL about how she is treating the children. A sweet reminder to her now and then like oh my goodness mama, haven't you noticed how DD is so independent for 9 years old? She has learned how to do x and can do y and z all by herself. She is very helpful to us at home and does so and so at school. Isn't it wonderful what she can do at her age? It's the little quirks that make a family interesting anyway. I was trying to type something similar, but the board ate my post. Good thing, because jbelle said it much better. Train your children to focus on her positives, especially when she is being irritating. That is an important life skill that will help them in all future relationships. Also, forgive your MIL for not being the grandmother you want her to be. |
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Post by Basket1lady on Mar 13, 2016 4:37:04 GMT
Sure it's annoying. But I wouldn't expect most grandmothers to know when kids start doing fractions in school. She went to elementary school in the 50s or 60s. The curriculum has changed now, even if she could remember what was done in what grade.
And I wouldn't turn a 9 year old loose in my kitchen. To start with, I'd consider it something we could do together. And I always cleaned up behind my kids at that age--they sure didn't do it well. If I'd never baked with her before, I wouldn't really know what she's capable of doing. Now, a good teacher would have seen what another can do, but not everyone is a good teacher.
If she was cruel to your DD, said snide things about her looks or intelligence, bought one kid a gift and not another, let her 9 year old cousin bake alone... Then I'd be mad. But it sounds like I'd just look at DD and laugh a little and say, " You know Grandma." And the more time they spend together, the more Grandma would get to know your DD. And vice versa.
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Post by Drew on Mar 13, 2016 4:43:10 GMT
Your 9 year old *is* a little kid. Grandma wants to be involved and bake with her. Let her. I have no one to take my kids when they're sick or for some respite. I think you're blessed. You should too.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2016 4:52:03 GMT
My grown kids would have really enjoyed if their grandmother (hubby's side) wanted to spend time with them. They were always too busy with their dogs that the grand kids weren't important to them.
I read you and dd pain but also thought what a sweet grandmother taking time to bake with her grand daughter. Find a happy medium sounds like grandma is doing her best
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Post by 950nancy on Mar 13, 2016 5:42:34 GMT
I can see that would be very frustrating for a nine year old. Nine year olds can do a lot of stuff. While your daughter does need to figure out how to talk to grandma about what she can do and politely stand up for herself, grandma also needs to know that this nine year old is much more capable than she is getting credit for. I might ask my daughter to cook a meal for grandma the next time she visits. Let her do it herself. It sounds like the two of you might enjoy practicing the meal once or twice beforehand. Grandma needs to see how independent she can be. I am all for teaching kids independence. Mine were doing their own laundry at 7 and had their own lawn mowing business not long after that. In grandma's defense, she thinks she is doing the right thing and it is lovely that you have someone to rely on, but maybe grandma just needs to see your daughter with a new pair of eyes.
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Post by mlynn on Mar 13, 2016 6:30:53 GMT
I would talk to dd about how to respond in a situation like that. Then I would help her talk to MIL and respectfully tell MIL how dd feels when she treats her like she is younger and less educated than she is. There is nothing wrong with teaching her how to handle the situation. And there is nothing wrong with teaching dd to respect her elders and make some allowances when MIL slips.
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Post by mom on Mar 13, 2016 6:57:34 GMT
Have you considered that your 9 year old knows more than what 9 year old in the past knew?
I get it is annoying to have to be treated that way, but complaining to granny will only make it where she wont want to spend time with your kids.
I would use this as a chance to teach dd about extending grace towards those around her (especially the elderly).
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Post by lesserknownpea on Mar 13, 2016 7:48:28 GMT
Have your MIL watch master chef junior with DD.
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Post by rainangel on Mar 13, 2016 8:40:06 GMT
I still get treated like I am 10 years old by certain people in my family. And I am a grown ass woman. I have come to realise it is this particular person's way of controlling me, because this person needs to control everything in their surroundings. I have almost come to see it as an OCD-mechanism on their part. I really don't think they have the ability to relinquish control and just let other people handle things, and I almost feel sory for them because it must be EXHAUSTING!
Anyway... I don't think the older generation that are now grandparents and great-grandparents always realise the amount of information our kids are exposed to. And how much they are actually capable of doing. I did like the suggestion about having MIL watch Junior MasterChef! Maybe it will be an eye opener.
I have to admot I am culpable of underestimating my own children aswell (one of whom is 9 years old), but the times I have had to let them handle things on their own, I have almost been shocked to see how well they have handled the situation! I don't think MIL is the only one underestimating kids, I think a lot of us still do that.
Maybe MIL just doesn't know the kids well enough to know exactly what they can do?
I absolutely understand how this is frustrating for the children. Maybe you could start saying things to MIL like 'Did you know DD9 made chocolate chip cookies ALL by herself yesterday? I didn't have to help out ONCE! She sure is growing up and becoming very independant. And she is doing advanced math in school, and we are SO proud of her mathskills!'
I don't know... it's hard with a situation like this, because you want your children to feel like they are treated fairly, but you don't want to hurt MIL's feelings. Rock and a hard place...
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Post by gar on Mar 13, 2016 9:02:43 GMT
I don't think having a talk with Grandma is the way to go.....that just doesn't feel right but maybe you can talk to DD about how to respond to G'ma in an appropriate way. To a grandma 9 years old is still very young and she obviously doesn't spend as much time with DD as you do so she obviously doesn't get to see her capabilities first hand and it's along time since she or her own children were that age. I'd try and put a positive spin on it while also finding ways to help your DD show Grandma what she's capable of.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2016 10:58:54 GMT
Your 9 year old *is* a little kid. Grandma wants to be involved and bake with her. Let her. I have no one to take my kids when they're sick or for some respite. I think you're blessed. You should too. Exactly that. My grandma on my Mums side wanted to spend precisely zero time with us, she made it perfectly clear we weren't welcome at her house and my grandma on my Dads side lived too far away to be involved. Is your attitude towards your mil having some impact on how they are seeing this? |
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peabay
Prolific Pea
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Mar 13, 2016 11:48:16 GMT
It would be a strange conversation because you can give this specific example but there's no way to tell your mil all the things your dd can and can't do, just as you can't predict all the things your mil would like to do with her.
I would encourage my child to politely say "can I figure out the math by myself?" Or "can I pour it myself?" What grandmother would say no to a child's enthusiasm for the activity? Then grandma will actually know she can do these things.
And since this is your dh's mother and he feels you shouldn't talk to her about this, you shouldn't talk to her about this.
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Post by magentapea on Mar 13, 2016 12:30:18 GMT
The same thing happens in my family. We have all just (well, except for me) learned to accept that's who they are and how they treat the kids. For example, DH's mom just last week sent my 14 y.o. a birthday gift - a Star Wars t-shirt and The Minions movie. His response to me was, "What am I? 7?" but his response to her was "Thank you for the wonderful gifts." When I asked him about it he said that he realized that's just the way she is and at least she was thinking of him. (Then he gave the gifts to his little cousin on the other side of the family so she will never know). I wanted to call her and remind her that he is 14 and a heck of a lot more mature, responsible, intelligent, etc. than to enjoy those things but both DH and my son said to let it go.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Mar 13, 2016 12:39:47 GMT
Grandma isn't doing anything hurtful or being cruel. She just isn't being who you want her to be. Let her and your daughter find their own relationship. If you speak to anyone, it should be your daughter to have a conversation about accepting other's quirks. And I agree with peabay re: And since this is your dh's mother and he feels you shouldn't talk to her about this, you shouldn't talk to her about this. |
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Post by pelirroja on Mar 13, 2016 12:40:44 GMT
There is no reason for a talk with Grandma. In our family, this type of situation gets a "Grandma's just Grandma" sort of response. Your MIL isn't doing anything wrong other than possibly not knowing age-appropriate milestones, current curriculum, and the way "kids of today" are. I'm guessing that if she hasn't been in a parenting role for a long time, she's loving the fact that she still feels "needed" and "helpful". Thank her for watching your DD and let her enjoy the moment of helping out. She's done nothing wrong unless you consider being willing and available to assist your family to be "wrong" somehow.
You are not going to change her. My 84 year old Grandma called my 62 year old Mom daily to ask if she was OK and needed any help. My mom had moved out of grandma's house when she was 18 and it had been several decades apart and independent: it didn't matter to grandma. My mom was way more sufficient than my grandmother. My grandma still saw her child as a child, no matter how old she actually was.
It's irritating but idiosyncratic. Teach your kids to roll with it. Someday when your kids are grown with children, they'll likely be laughing telling tales to their kids about how goofy, sweet, and well-meaning their grandma was. And thank your lucky stars she's available (and able) to help: she is a blessing even if she annoys you. Your dh has got the right attitude.
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Post by gar on Mar 13, 2016 12:44:44 GMT
You are not going to change her. My 84 year old Grandma called my 62 year old Mom daily to ask if she was OK and needed any help. My mom had moved out of grandma's house when she was 18 and it had been several decades apart and independent: it didn't matter to grandma. My mom was way more sufficient than my grandmother. My grandma still saw her child as a child, no matter how old she actually was. Ain't that the truth the world over  |
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Post by bearmom on Mar 13, 2016 12:45:56 GMT
If you want MIL to understand how much your dd knows, then you need to share that with her on a routine basis. I have two teens (16 and 13) and I don't remember what grade they learned how to do X thing.
"Wow, we are so proud of dd, she got an 'A' on her multiplying and dividing fractions test yesterday,"
"Dd was such a help in the kitchen today, she baked a batch of cookies by herself while I was making dinner."
Also, there are times that dd will make dinner completely on her own. There are times when dd and I make dinner together and I take charge and give dd tasks to do and give her direction. It doesn't mean that I don't think she can, I know she can, but that is part of cooking together. The fun part is spending time together and enjoying each other's company.
Dd needs to learn how to use her own voice. When MIL started "teaching" dd fractions, why didn't dd speak up and say something (as long as it was still respectful). We have talked both dds through senerios regarding my MIL who loves to feed you, even why you aren't hungry and gets offended when you don't want anything.
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artbabe
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by artbabe on Mar 13, 2016 12:57:09 GMT
"For example, DH's mom just last week sent my 14 y.o. a birthday gift - a Star Wars t-shirt and The Minions movie. His response to me was, "What am I? 7?"
I must be 7 then. I would love both of those gifts. They might be the wrong items for that particular kid but I teach middle school and I see Star Wars t-shirts all of the time. And a minion shirt here and there.
(Says the person with 4 Star Wars t-shirts)
Sorry- I know I am off-topic. I just thought that might be a case of the grandma not knowing the kid's interests, not that she doesn't understand his age.
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Post by anxiousmom on Mar 13, 2016 13:12:57 GMT
You are not going to change her. My 84 year old Grandma called my 62 year old Mom daily to ask if she was OK and needed any help. My mom had moved out of grandma's house when she was 18 and it had been several decades apart and independent: it didn't matter to grandma. My mom was way more sufficient than my grandmother. My grandma still saw her child as a child, no matter how old she actually was. Ain't that the truth the world over My mom and I were going out for the day not too long ago and right before we walked out the door she asked me if I had brushed my teeth. I am 49 and she is 68.  Some things are just so ingrained in parents that it transcends age. For the most part, we all just say 'well, that's Mimi' and smile when she forgets about ages and stages. We all howled laughing the day that she served my 9 year old son a plate where she had cut a hot dog in half and into tiny little bites, about two tablespoons of mac/cheese and cut up grapes. He sweetly said thank you, looked at me and whispered loud enough to wake the dead "she knows I am NINE? I can get more, right??" Even my mom laughed. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 13, 2016 13:36:18 GMT
Yeah, you're not going to change her...maybe. This is something I've been dealing with my own mom. I was the last one of my siblings to have children. My first child was born in NC, and my mom didn't meet him until he was about 6 months old, when my husband and I finally were able to bring our son to meet his grandparents. My middle son was born back in NY, but I hired a babysitter to watch him while I was in college. My husband was overseas. My mom was used as a free babysitter for my nieces and nephews, and a couple of times I had asked if she could watch my kids, I could tell she resented it. So she never really watched my kids.
Fast forward to now...one of my nieces now has a baby of her own. My mom watches her while my niece is at work. I was home visiting a month ago, and the baby was taking a nap in my mom's bedroom. She wakes up, and my mom went in there to get her. She comes out holding the baby, and mentioned how the baby was smiling and laughing in her crib. She then said...I have never seen other babies wake up smiling! I know your children never did!"
What the ? I asked her how she could say that. That she never saw them wake up in the morning. She said she babysat them all the time! Um no Mom, you didn't. The only time she ever watched my kids overnight was when my youngest was airlifted to Syracuse shortly after birth, and my husband and I went there to stay. My other two sons were 3 and 6 at the time.
So I get it. You could probably say something, but that could just harbor resentment. Just tell your kids that Grandma loves them even though she talks down to them. Tell them, to her, the kids are probably still little. Or she's like my mom and is senile. Kidding. I love my mom, but that hurt.
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Post by ihaveonly1l on Mar 13, 2016 13:39:43 GMT
I guess I'm missing why baking cookies together has anything to do with your daughter's abilities. I think of this as a time to foster that relationship, not an opportunity to show how smart and independent your daughter is. Sometimes making cookies, is just the activity to promote the relationship and someday your daughter will be grateful for that.
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Post by GamGam on Mar 13, 2016 13:47:26 GMT
Maybe you could help this situation by changing your attitude. Toward your MIL. Find things about her that you like/love. Foster that love, and you will be so much richer.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Mar 13, 2016 13:59:40 GMT
Kids are not suddenly more intelligent at nine just because we have more technology. At nine I was babysitting multiple children at night, one which was an actual baby. I also knew fractions and how to add and subtract them.
The issue is your MIL wants to share experiences with your DD and your DD wants more autonomy. I agree this is a valuable lesson for your daughter to learn how to navigate relationships. That is one area where technology is not helping our children mature.
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caro
Drama Llama
Refupea 1130
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Post by caro on Mar 13, 2016 14:08:36 GMT
I guess I'm missing why baking cookies together has anything to do with your daughter's abilities. I think of this as a time to foster that relationship, not an opportunity to show how smart and independent your daughter is. Sometimes making cookies, is just the activity to promote the relationship and someday your daughter will be grateful for that.
This. I have 5 granddaughters all around age 9. I don't always know what they can and can't do in the kitchen but it doesn't mean I'm odd or "elderly". It doesn't sound like grandma was putting down your DD, it sounds to me like your DD could have told grandma in a nice way what she could do. I think it's nice your MIL was willing and probably excited to spend the day with your DD. Some grandmas might have been too busy with their own life to take an unexpected sick day with their DGC. |
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Post by Meri-Lyn on Mar 13, 2016 14:20:10 GMT
I get it. FIL does this to DH and he's 46!!!!! I think most of the other posters are right, you just got to suck it up. I think any kind of conversation like you mentioned is just going to cause hurt feelings.
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Post by Lexica on Mar 13, 2016 14:23:55 GMT
For my mom, I have encouraged my son to see her for who she is, a loving, giving, adoring grandma who has some funny quirks that bug/entertain us all. My mom has some strong OCD tendencies and gets very anxious if something isn't done her way, or done immediately. For example, when I was taking care of both of my parents at my sister's house for a two-week span a few years ago, I had just helped them into bed and set up my father's overnight dialysis. Just as I was about to walk out of the room, Dad asked me to put another blanket on him. (He used a walker and was hooked up to all the dialysis tubes, so he could not do it for himself)
They both had an extra blanket folded up at the foot of their bed, and Mom already had hers pulled up. I shook the blanket out and tossed it over him. He thanked me and I started to walk out. My mom stopped me and said that the blanket was on wrong, it was the wrong side up. Huh? Dad and I looked at each other trying to figure out why it mattered which side was facing up or down. The blankets were a thick fleece type, and there was a picture on each side - one side lighter in color and the other side darker in color, but exactly the same blanket other than that. Apparently, Mom would only use it with the lighter design side up. I looked at my father and asked him if he wanted the light colored side up too. He looked at my mom and said, "Apparently, I do. It must not be as warm with the other color showing." and we both laughed. But, knowing how seriously it would bother my mom if I left it, I flipped the blanket over. Dad and I rolled our eyes and my mom gave a big sigh of relief and satisfaction.
I have also learned not to tell her of any plans in advance, or she stresses about it. Say that I wanted to go to the store the next day. I would not mention it to her until I was dressed and ready to grab my keys and walk out the door. Otherwise, she would not sleep well, worrying that she wasn't going to get up on time and be ready when I was. She would stress over what to wear. And stress over making a list of what to buy there. (That is actually a valid concern, and I keep all my shopping lists on Cozi on my phone and list things as we run out.)
If she were told the night before, in addition to not sleeping much, she would be up and dressed at 4:00 am, asking me if I was ready to go yet. Repeatedly. I'd rather wait for her to get ready than for her to stress over me getting ready.
So, I taught my son to enjoy her quirks, and then tell me about them later so that we can have a good chuckle together. When she passes, these are the stories that will make us smile. She certainly means well. And you couldn't ask for a nicer more well intended grandma. She cannot help her anxiety and isn't doing it to bug anyone.
Now if it were me, and I was the grandma who was annoying the kids, I would want my son to tell me. Politely, but tell me so I can alter my behavior. I don't want to be like my mom that way. I've told my son if I start acting like my mother to let me know so I can correct myself. And if I ever do something like that, he just calls me grandma and I get the hint.
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So Don't out right tell MIL about how she is treating the children. A sweet reminder to her now and then like oh my goodness mama, haven't you noticed how DD is so independent for 9 years old? She has learned how to do x and can do y and z all by herself. She is very helpful to us at home and does so and so at school. Isn't it wonderful what she can do at her age? It's the little quirks that make a family interesting anyway.
