johnnysmom
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Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Mar 23, 2016 22:59:43 GMT
Ds lives and breaths basketball. This year he decided to join a post season travel team. It's been a big sacrifice for all of us. Practices are 40+minutes away twice a week plus weekend tournaments, some requiring hotel stays not to mention the $500+ just to be on the team.
He hates one of the coaches. There are 3, 2 are fine and are there at every practice/game. The 3rd is actually the head guy but isn't always there (I don't agree with it, I think the kids need consistency but we're new to the team and this is how it is so whatever), but when he is he's in charge.
Anyhow, ds wants to quit because of this one coach. We said no, the entire family has made this commitment he needs to stick it through. The team plays until July. The coach is strick, he seems to be a little hard on ds, maybe because he's new, maybe because he's sees potential in him, I don't know. He's not an ass or anywhere near abusiive (due to the drive dh or I are at almost every practice), just hard. My thought is that ds needs to "suck it up buttercup" and there will be many times throughout life where you don't care for a teacher, boss, whatever. But getting 14 year olds to hear that is like talking to a wall that rolls it's eyes at you.
Any tips to get thru to him?
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Post by ihaveonly1l on Mar 23, 2016 23:11:51 GMT
My son also plays select BB. He's 16. We have had many coaches over the years with varying personalities. We take the philosophy that if the coach is engaged with you and pushing you, that's a good thing and when/if he sort of forgets that you are there, that's when the problem arrives.
Encourage your son to be attentive in practice, take correction without attitude, and be a team player. If he's doing all that and the coach sees that, then the push is because he is trying to develop the skills he sees.
(All this is based on the fact that you said it's not to the point of abuse).
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Post by littlemama on Mar 23, 2016 23:13:20 GMT
He made the commitment, he needs to honor it.
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Post by mom on Mar 23, 2016 23:13:55 GMT
I would make him suck it up. Too many have had to make sacrifices for him to just quit.
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johnnysmom
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Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Mar 23, 2016 23:18:38 GMT
My son also plays select BB. He's 16. We have had many coaches over the years with varying personalities. We take the philosophy that if the coach is engaged with you and pushing you, that's a good thing and when/if he sort of forgets that you are there, that's when the problem arrives.
Oh I like that. I'll have to use that! Quitting is not an option. The team is counting on him, we've all committed, he will finish out the season. |
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Post by anxiousmom on Mar 23, 2016 23:19:19 GMT
I'm of the mind that once you get to a certain level of athletics, you don't just get to quit because you don't like the coach or it is too hard-you made the commitment, now you have to follow through with it.
I am also of the mind that sometimes a well placed 'suck it up buttercup' IS okay. As in 'kid, you wanted this and we, as a family supported it. You don't get to quit just because you don't like it or it is too hard. Life is like that sometimes and there are times when we actually have to be uncomfortable and work at something we really want. If you don't want it, okay. But after the season is over and I will assume that you don't want to play xxx sport anymore at all. If that isn't the case, then suck it up buttercup and play on.'
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Post by ihaveonly1l on Mar 24, 2016 0:59:12 GMT
My son also plays select BB. He's 16. We have had many coaches over the years with varying personalities. We take the philosophy that if the coach is engaged with you and pushing you, that's a good thing and when/if he sort of forgets that you are there, that's when the problem arrives.
Oh I like that. I'll have to use that! Quitting is not an option. The team is counting on him, we've all committed, he will finish out the season.
It really is true. If the coach isn't engaged with him, you would know that coach doesn't see the potential. Help your son harness that and use it as motivation.
Coaches are athletes. They are competitive. They want to win. They put their time and effort into developing athletes that will help them do that.
These coaches are most likely paid, so the days of the volunteer coaches that really are someone's dad are over in this age bracket. As long as the coach isn't abusive, he may be able to help your son grow a great deal.
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Deleted
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May 3, 2024 9:42:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2016 1:14:27 GMT
maybe have a conversation about perspective
in that life is not centered on his alone
personalizing the coach in some way could also help
and also understanding why the coach may have differences to your son. i.e generation, level of responsibility etc etc
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tiffanytwisted
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Post by tiffanytwisted on Mar 24, 2016 13:39:43 GMT
Along the lines of 'suck it up buttercup' I always tell my kids that they're going to have a lifetime of teachers/professors, coworkers, bosses, etc. that they don't like. They need to learn how to make it work. What are they going to do? Change colleges or quit their job every time they run into someone they don't care for? The early they figure out how to deal, the easier it will be for the rest of their lives.
Can you tell we've had this conversation often, lol?
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blue tulip
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Post by blue tulip on Mar 24, 2016 13:55:10 GMT
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AnotherPea
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Post by AnotherPea on Mar 24, 2016 14:09:13 GMT
this just showed up on my FB feed: ![]()  |
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Post by debmast on Mar 24, 2016 14:31:10 GMT
My DD (age 15) plays both club soccer and HS soccer. She's a freshman so first year of HS but has played club for many years.
She actually PREFERS coaches who are tough on her. She feels they are invested and care. The ones that don't say much, she really doesn't feel care enough about her and her growth as a player.
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cakediva
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Post by cakediva on Mar 24, 2016 14:49:11 GMT
Ds lives and breaths basketball. This year he decided to join a post season travel team. It's been a big sacrifice for all of us. Practices are 40+minutes away twice a week plus weekend tournaments, some requiring hotel stays not to mention the $500+ just to be on the team. He hates one of the coaches. There are 3, 2 are fine and are there at every practice/game. The 3rd is actually the head guy but isn't always there (I don't agree with it, I think the kids need consistency but we're new to the team and this is how it is so whatever), but when he is he's in charge. Anyhow, ds wants to quit because of this one coach. We said no, the entire family has made this commitment he needs to stick it through. The team plays until July. The coach is strick, he seems to be a little hard on ds, maybe because he's new, maybe because he's sees potential in him, I don't know. He's not an ass or anywhere near abusiive (due to the drive dh or I are at almost every practice), just hard. My thought is that ds needs to "suck it up buttercup" and there will be many times throughout life where you don't care for a teacher, boss, whatever. But getting 14 year olds to hear that is like talking to a wall that rolls it's eyes at you. Any tips to get thru to him? My son just finished with his high school team, and is now fully into the season with his rep team. His best pal was also on the school team, and his Dad coaches our rep team. He (DS' friend) came home after the last school basketball thing and said "I'm not playing school basketball next year if Mr. Bruce is coaching" His Dad had some really good words for him. He told him he can't do that because of a coach - It will not put him in a good light - he will be seen as uncoachable to post secondary institutions. That stuck with DS as well. The school coach is a tad wishy washy (so the opposite of your situation). But a clash with a coach being the reason you quit doesn't look good to the coaches further up the line in your life. |
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Post by trixiecat on Mar 24, 2016 15:03:19 GMT
Ihaveonly1 hit the nail on the head. My daughter's basketball coach has said to her, if I am not pushing you, then you are not on my radar and that isn't good.
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freebird
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Post by freebird on Mar 24, 2016 15:08:05 GMT
I doubt there's a person alive that liked their drill sergeant in basic training, but coming out, I imagine many of those soldiers had high respect for the sergeant. That's kind of what coach sounds like. *In charge* kind of guy. My husband said you had to be broken down before you could be built back up. Sounds like he's breaking your son right now. I'd make him stay. Life is filled with lots of people you don't like, if you just walk away, you'll never learn the skills to deal with them.
At least one thing will happen if he stays, maybe 2.
1. He'll have learned skills on how to deal with someone he doesn't like very well.
2. He'll become a better basketball player.
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Post by fuji on Mar 24, 2016 15:08:54 GMT
My son sounds like your son. He lives for basketball. We are entering our last season of AAU/travel basketball and have seen many coaches over the years. The coach that is the absolute hardest on him is his high school coach. He talked to me at the end of the season and explained that he was hardest on DS because he was the best player on the team. He expected the most out of DS because he knew what he was capable of.
Your DS has probably been used to being the top player and receiving lots of praise. As he gets older, the teams get more and more competitive. This is especially true at the AAU/travel level where teams consist of the best kids in the area. He may not always be the best anymore, which is a bit humbling. He needs to listen to the instructions, not the tone or volume, and he needs to not take it personally. The coach is trying to make him a better player. A coach doesn't bother yelling at a kid that has no potential.
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Deleted
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May 3, 2024 9:42:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2016 16:52:48 GMT
I'm in the camp of "it depends". I would have to see and hear what coach is doing to my child (and others) to determine if it is a "suck it up buttercup" situations or is there something else going on.
My daughter is on her high school drill team. It is painfully obvious the Director has favorites and she lets everyone know who those favorites are and treatment is very different and very noticeable. I told DD she had a choices:
- Leave drill team. You will have a lot more free time and you won't have to deal with dance politics, but your "tribe of belonging" will no longer be there.
- Stay with drill team. You know how this coach is. I will support you and be there for you. However, there will be no more whining or complaining about what is and is not fair. You have to advocate for yourself and talk to the director if you don't understand why things are not fair. I will not step in unless you try multiple times to talk to the direct and she continually gives you the blow-off and continues the poor treatment.
Net-net, it is up to my daughter to make the choices that will make her happy. If drill team is what makes her happy then she now knows what she is in store for this coming school year. If the team demands and director attitude are not what she wants to deal with then the choice is hers to back out. As her parent I am here for her either way.
At 14, I would have a hard time forcing kids to stick with something that is obviously causing hurt, pain, etc. However, only the parent can really judge if their child is whining or if the adult coach in the situation needs to be coached or is a bad fit at being a coach. I refuse to subject my child to someone who blatantly disrespects and treats kids when they are showing up for all practices, doing the work, but not getting the playing performance/time.
But if my kid not giving 100% said kid would have to stay and fulfill the commitment.
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Post by anniefb on Mar 24, 2016 16:54:26 GMT
Along the lines of 'suck it up buttercup' I always tell my kids that they're going to have a lifetime of teachers/professors, coworkers, bosses, etc. that they don't like. They need to learn how to make it work. What are they going to do? Change colleges or quit their job every time they run into someone they don't care for? The early they figure out how to deal, the easier it will be for the rest of their lives. Can you tell we've had this conversation often, lol?  Yeah to me, experiences like this are really good life lessons. |
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johnnysmom
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Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Mar 24, 2016 19:32:52 GMT
I knew y'all would be full of great ideas! Thank you all!! DS went to his first PGC camp last summer and loved it, we just signed him up for this summer so I'll forward this to him. Hopefully he'll listen to someone else  Along the lines of 'suck it up buttercup' I always tell my kids that they're going to have a lifetime of teachers/professors, coworkers, bosses, etc. that they don't like. They need to learn how to make it work. What are they going to do? Change colleges or quit their job every time they run into someone they don't care for? The early they figure out how to deal, the easier it will be for the rest of their lives. I reminded him of this again last night. I've said it before, but it really is true. His Dad had some really good words for him. He told him he can't do that because of a coach - It will not put him in a good light - he will be seen as uncoachable to post secondary institutions. Very good point, I'll make sure sure to remind DS of this. Your DS has probably been used to being the top player and receiving lots of praise. As he gets older, the teams get more and more competitive. This is especially true at the AAU/travel level where teams consist of the best kids in the area. He may not always be the best anymore, which is a bit humbling. Exactly the situation here. He's been on a rec team since he was 9, but that was not AAU/competitive, this is. He's gone from being one of the best where he played nearly the entire game every time to just being average. |
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Post by debmast on Mar 24, 2016 19:39:49 GMT
Exactly the situation here. He's been on a rec team since he was 9, but that was not AAU/competitive, this is. He's gone from being one of the best where he played nearly the entire game every time to just being average. Your last statement may be part of the problem as well, not just the coach. It's tough going from being a big fish in a small pond to a smaller pond full of big fish! |
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johnnysmom
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Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Mar 24, 2016 19:50:24 GMT
Exactly the situation here. He's been on a rec team since he was 9, but that was not AAU/competitive, this is. He's gone from being one of the best where he played nearly the entire game every time to just being average. Your last statement may be part of the problem as well, not just the coach. It's tough going from being a big fish in a small pond to a smaller pond full of big fish! He says he understands that part and it doesn't bother him, but I'm sure it's not easy on him. However, he seems to be ok and plays pretty well when the head guy isn't there, but as soon as he shows up you can almost see ds's demeanor change  |
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Post by fuji on Mar 25, 2016 2:03:17 GMT
That will probably improve as he gets used to his new team and coach. Things went much better for our DS after the first tournament with each new team. It took a bit for him to see what his role was and what the coaches wanted from him. He had always been one of the best players on his school teams and first AAU team. He was on varsity as a freshman; he started as a sophomore and won some nice awards. But he, like your DS, was just average on his AAU team. DS felt strongly that he would rather be a mediocre player on an awesome team than an awesome player on a mediocre team. He felt that he learned a lot more about himself as a player. Tell him to give it time and look at it as an opportunity to get better for school ball. The coach believes in his skills or he wouldn't be on the team. Tell him to have faith in himself and to not take it personally. It will be worth it in the end because what he is learning about his coach, team, and himself will serve him well in the future, on and off the court.  |
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hannahruth
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Post by hannahruth on Mar 25, 2016 5:50:07 GMT
Sorry but this is one of life's lessons.
There is always going to be that someone in the group that he does not like, want to deal with or whatever. He needs to be able to work with all types of people in all different circumstances. In this instance while he may not like the person he still needs to respect the position that person holds. The coach is not where he is without knowing something about coaching surely so he needs to focus on dealing with what he has to and moving on at the end of the season.
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anniebygaslight
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Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Mar 25, 2016 7:37:22 GMT
Along the lines of 'suck it up buttercup' I always tell my kids that they're going to have a lifetime of teachers/professors, coworkers, bosses, etc. that they don't like. They need to learn how to make it work. What are they going to do? Change colleges or quit their job every time they run into someone they don't care for? The early they figure out how to deal, the easier it will be for the rest of their lives. Can you tell we've had this conversation often, lol? Exactly. |
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camcas
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Post by camcas on Mar 25, 2016 10:41:10 GMT
another basketball mum here...and ITA...life lesson.
If coach is not abusive/ bully then message is definitely work harder and suck it up
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MerryMom
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Post by MerryMom on Mar 25, 2016 15:01:29 GMT
He says he understands that part and it doesn't bother him, but I'm sure it's not easy on him. However, he seems to be ok and plays pretty well when the head guy isn't there, but as soon as he shows up you can almost see ds's demeanor change Based on the OP's posts above, I agree the issue is with your son's attitude and demeanor that changes when the coach is around. You posted that the coach is strict, but not abusive or verbally bullying the kids, therefore the issue resides with your son. You've talked with your son, given him good advice, and he has verbalized that he understands what you are saying. But... at a certain point, pull the plug on any more conversations with him about the coach. It just keeps your son fixated on his dislike of the coach's "style". I think you have reached that point. The issue resides with your son, he either adjusts his attitude or he doesn't. End any more conversations with your son about how your son doesn't like this coach, about how his demeanor and attitude changes. There is no more "help" that you can provide. |
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julieb
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Post by julieb on Mar 25, 2016 16:15:08 GMT
My oldest ds played every sport and travel baseball, soccer and basketball. We were all over the place. While he didn't have a problem with most coaches, there were a few who pushed his buttons. While he never asked to quit, we have always told our children that participating in a sport should be work & learning, but it should also be fun. Sports are not the end all in life and if my ds had said that it wasn't fun I think we would have let him quit. Not sure, as it didn't happen, but like I said, it should be fun, not stressful.
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Post by ilikepink on Mar 25, 2016 16:39:51 GMT
I have 3 boys, who did various sports from age 5 until junior year of college. Some coaches are easier than others to get along with, but the lessons learned from the tougher coaches have nothing to do with the sport, and everything to do with the adult they become.
At 14, your son is learning how to get along in the more adult world, and this is just one of many people he will encounter that will be more challenging for him. Ultimately, the coach wants to win with each of his players working to the best of their ability. How he gets the best from each becomes the difficulty for each player.
If your son was among the better players on former teams, that's what the coach sees - and wants to draw that ability from him. Over the years, I've seen many athletes who were really good at the middle-school age sports, but when they moved up to high school, never improved. Not that they were bad, but everyone else got better/stronger or worked harder, and the former "star" stayed at the same level - possibly because he/she did push any more, but coasted along. If you son is serious about basketball, and wants to play at a competitive high school level, he needs to keep improving - and this coach may be the one to bring him along. And in a sport like basketball, it's important that the team be in synch with each other, and blend into a real team; if your son were to quit, not only would the team be changed, but your son will miss out on the experience of five players on the court at one time working together to win a game. That's what your son is learning how to do.
Good luck!
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Yeah to me, experiences like this are really good life lessons. 
