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Post by walkerdill on Mar 28, 2016 20:11:56 GMT
I am willing to bet that your mom is more than a little disappointed in the hand that life has dealt her right now. I know that it is hard on you to watch your parents struggle, but at this moment, your mom's pain and issues outweigh your disappointment in her (and I will admit the lack of empathy on your part for her is mind-boggling). If my mother was going through all that your mom is going through, being disappointed in her attempts to cope would probably be one of the last reactions I would have. I am also puzzled by your siding with your dad, regardless of his repeated infidelity. How can you eat dinner with him weekly? Why do you think he is entitled to hang out in "their" bar, while your dying mother should seek out a new bar and make new friends? It seems like your dad has no problem making new "friends" and could much more easily go cruising for new pieces of tail someplace else. Your dad owed your mom everything, not because she is dying and can't work, but because he is a cheater who couldn't keep his wedding vows. It is too bad your mom didn't dump him and take him to the cleaners long ago, after infidelity #1, so that she could have had some happiness before being diagnosed with terminal cancer. I am sorry if this sounds harsh - hopefully you have left out important pieces of information, because what you have shared makes little sense to me in terms of your reactions. I have left out alot. The whole ordeal has been mentally draining. I don't think either are entitled to hang out at the bar but I sometimes feel my mother goes there knowing he's going to be there. I have 100% sided with mom from day 1 but after finding out this morning about the smoking just made me so angry. I have been the middle man through the divorce/division of assets. I'm obviously not going to cut ties with her. I was just sad/mad. I want her to be around for the latter. I'm sorry I just needed to vent to someone other than my mom.
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valleyview
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,816
Jun 27, 2014 18:41:26 GMT
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Post by valleyview on Mar 28, 2016 20:37:13 GMT
You have the right to vent. It is totally understandable. But your mom needs an outlet too. She's venting by returning to an old habit that she is probably finding very comforting.
If you have been the middleman through her divorce, then it strikes me that you should be glad that your father was fair with her. Consider what she has lost - a person with whom she spent her life, her best friend, her health, her sense of security in the world, her habits, both good and bad. She's giving up. Don't let her do that. Give her the confidence to pick herself up, but also let her know that you will survive too.
I wish that I didn't understand your situation, but remember this: no one chooses to have cancer, and no one with cancer is not concerned about its impact on their family. Help her, support her, and give her a picture of a future. Don't treat her like a child.
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Post by papersilly on Mar 28, 2016 20:52:56 GMT
I sometimes feel my mother goes there knowing he's going to be there. I have 100% sided with mom from day 1 but after finding out this morning about the smoking just made me so angry. I have been the middle man through the divorce/division of assets. I have no doubt that's one of the reasons why she goes there. what woman hasn't "accidently-on-purpose" been at the same place ex was? it's a torturous thing to do but she probably can't help herself. also, the bar probably gives her some sense of normalcy or familiarity during this ordeal. she probably thinks "why should I stop going here just because he goes here too?"
the smoking thing makes me sad too. I'm sorry she started again but I've heard it has a calming effect (as bad as it can be healthwise). I hope she can stop soon.
sorry you are going through this. I've been in the middle of parent divorce drama too and it's no fun.
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Post by llinin on Mar 28, 2016 21:01:56 GMT
I absolutely understand you maintaining contact with your Dad! Facing your mom's illness hardly seems like the best or easiest time to sever ties with the other parent. Hang in there and vent away!
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DEX
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,355
Aug 9, 2014 23:13:22 GMT
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Post by DEX on Mar 28, 2016 22:52:43 GMT
When I was going through all that my husband's illness entailed, I had a mantra.
"I can't care more than he does".
I repeated it over and over every day. It saved what little sanity I had left. You will never change anyone. That is why you should try to disentangle your life from the lives of your parents. You are not your mothers doctor nor your father's conscience. You should not be worrying about which bar your parent's frequent or how to divide assets in a divorce.
You can be there for support but don't let all these issues take over your life.
"I can't care more than they do..."
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scrapaddie
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,090
Jul 8, 2014 20:17:31 GMT
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Post by scrapaddie on Mar 29, 2016 0:01:01 GMT
My mother was diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma a year ago. It has spread to her lungs & liver. She immediately quit smoking. Since quitting dmoking she found out she has COPD. She has been very lucky & has only needed radiation & it hasn't spread since then. She found out 2 months ago that my dad was having an affair with her best friend. By that I mean she caught them together. They were married 44 years. She immediately got a lawyer & started divorce proceedings. My dad has given her everything. I suspect he feels guilty because she's dying of cancer & cannot work. My mother has been all kinds of crazy since. She is totally unreasonable & you can't tell her anything about anything. My parents both frequent the same bar so alot of times they are both there at the same time. Its all kinds of crazy. I'm sure it's super stressful on my mom...but there are other bars. My mom started smoking again this weekend. I'm so disappointed with her. She's killing herself & I can't just stand by & watch. I'm still upset with my dad for his infidelity & tearing the family apart. I went from seeing him almost daily to now maybe once every other week for dinner. I really don't want to do that to my mom but I can't watch her kill herself. Sorry I guess I just needed to vent. I'm so tired. If she is dying of cancer and smoking gets her pleasure, why not? Chances are your parents are at the same bar because they still have a connection I think so whether or not it is a helpful connection thing to do, it is a connection. I cannot imagine what your mother is going through and how I would handle it. To know that I am dying and that my husband of 44 years is cheated on me as something that could not easily be overcome. I'm not even certain that it could be overcome with difficulty. I am certain this is extremely difficult for you, but even more difficult for your parents filed on
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Mary Kay Lady
Pearl Clutcher
PeaNut 367,913 Refupea number 1,638
Posts: 3,074
Jun 27, 2014 4:11:36 GMT
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Post by Mary Kay Lady on Mar 29, 2016 1:53:21 GMT
I'm sorry. Each of those situations on their own would be challenging to deal with, but to deal with them at the same time is unimaginable.
I completely understand why you're feeling angry. Could you start going to therapy to help you process some of this cr*p that you're having to deal with?
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Post by lesserknownpea on Mar 29, 2016 7:43:59 GMT
My dad hasn't smoked for 20 years. 5 years ago, though, he was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. Upset, frustrated, hopeless, he got up at midnight and smoked in the garage. His wife found him there and flipped her lid. She was beside herself upset.
When he sheepishly told me the next morning why she was so unhappy, I told him I totally understood his need to rebel and i didn't think it was such a big deal. But then I pointed out that my stepmother was scared and grieving, and asked him if it was worth it to him when the smoking distressed her so.
He apologized to her and did not smoke again.
So i understand both your mom's smoking again, as well as your string reaction to it.
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zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
Jul 7, 2014 19:36:30 GMT
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Post by zella on Mar 29, 2016 8:02:19 GMT
I don't know what to say, other than I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this. Unfortunately there is no age limit on stupid behavior.
I guess your mother figures her days are limited, she's stressed, her life is in shatters, she might as well smoke. I can understand this. While I'd be upset about it too, I think it's one of those cases where you just have to let her make her own choices and realize there is nothing you can do but accept it. Doesn't mean you agree with her decision but the stress shouldn't be yours; does that make sense?
As far as your father, well, I have no words. My parents were involved in affairs, and I was appalled. I'm sure this has really made you question a lot of things you felt about your dad. Again, there are no easy answers.
Consider yourself hugged, okay? Hang in there.
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