So tired of being disappointed by my parents.

That has got to be difficult to go through, for both your Mom and you. I hope she will quit smoking again, for her sake as well as yours.

This must be so hard on you. Bad enough dealing with your mom being seriously ill, but your dad's behavior is inexcusable. I hope you can find a way to love them but not get sucked in to all the drama.

I feel badly for your mom. I can't imagine dealing w/ her health issues and then finding out that her spouse was cheating with her best friend. It must be so hard on you as well. Hugs.

Maybe you can guide her into talking to someone professionally ( doesn't have to be a full on counselling course.) my head was all over the place last year when I was having my cancer treatment and talking to a professional ( I only had three sessions) really helped. I can't imagine dealing with that, the fact it is terminal AND learning my husband was cheating with my best friend.

Would she go to talk to someone if you went with her? With the specialised counselling I was offered last year they invited me to bring someone along if I thought it would help.

Wow - that's a lot for all of you to be going through. I had the smoking issue with my mom. She had severe COPD and back issues that limited her mobility. As she rarely left the house, I did all the shopping and refused to buy cigarettes for her. It became an issue, and we finally had a geriatric counselor to speak to both of us. As I was told, she is an adult and can make her own decisions, however wrong I may feel they are. The stress and depression she felt outweighed the benefits of not smoking. In your mom's circumstances losing her husband and best friend during this health problem may be overwhelming for her.

I'm so sorry. I have no words of wisdom for you. But, I am here with the other Refupeas to listen.

Yes

And yes

And yes

I'm so sorry. About all of it.

I have had cancer. There is always that fear in the back of my mind that when (not if) it comes back, it might be terminal.
I quit smoking 26 years ago. I loved smoking. If I received a terminal diagnosis, I'd take it up again. Your mother is finding comfort in ways she can. At this point, it's not going to make a difference.
It's hard to watch but you can't change it. You have to decide if you're going to spend the time she has left being angry and disappointed or being a comfort to her. You can't do both.

I am willing to bet that your mom is more than a little disappointed in the hand that life has dealt her right now. I know that it is hard on you to watch your parents struggle, but at this moment, your mom's pain and issues outweigh your disappointment in her (and I will admit the lack of empathy on your part for her is mind-boggling).

If my mother was going through all that your mom is going through, being disappointed in her attempts to cope would probably be one of the last reactions I would have.

I am also puzzled by your siding with your dad, regardless of his repeated infidelity. How can you eat dinner with him weekly? Why do you think he is entitled to hang out in "their" bar, while your dying mother should seek out a new bar and make new friends? It seems like your dad has no problem making new "friends" and could much more easily go cruising for new pieces of tail someplace else. Your dad owed your mom everything, not because she is dying and can't work, but because he is a cheater who couldn't keep his wedding vows. It is too bad your mom didn't dump him and take him to the cleaners long ago, after infidelity #1, so that she could have had some happiness before being diagnosed with terminal cancer.

I am sorry if this sounds harsh - hopefully you have left out important pieces of information, because what you have shared makes little sense to me in terms of your reactions.

I am very sorry that at the end of her life, your mom was betrayed by her husband and her best friend. I can't comprehend or begin to imagine it.

Take a deep breath. Your anger at your mom's smoking is not needed. It will not change the outcome of her life now. She probably also feels abandoned by you, because you continue to see your father, who you say has torn apart your family.

I think you need some grief counseling. Your mom does too. She's doing the best she can to function given all the awful circumstances she's found herself in. Sure, she could find a new bar. And your dad could have found a mistress who wasn't your mom's bff. But those ships have sailed and you need to let go of all that and move forward the best you can.

I'm sorry you're going through all this.

Oh my goodness. That is some dreadfully painful stuff to deal with. I'm sorry.

I'm honestly not one to throw therapy at everyone and everything, but have you thought about seeing a counselor or therapist, just to have a place to vent and work through your own emotions? I really do believe it helps to get those feelings out, because they can eat away at you inside. :-(

My mom felt the same way about my grandma.  My grandma lived alone and smoking gave her something to do.  My mom refused to buy my grandma her cigarettes for a while after my grandma was in the hospital.  It strained their relationship.  My mom finally realized it was my grandma's life and she got to make her own decisions.  Forcing her to quit smoking was not my mother's right.  When my mom let go of the control, their relationship got back to normal.  My grandma finally quit after her last hospital stay.  I think that was more because she didn't have the energy to smoke.

In this case, your mom is alone.  She is scared.  She has cancer.  She is the one dying. You can be mad at her, but please don't let her know it.  You aren't going to change her and there is a chance you will strain your relationship.