Buying grand babies clothes ? Update in OP

Whoa. That is just rude. Beyond the pale, rude.

This is not a you issue, it is a them issue.

With my children, I accepted clothes graciously from anyone who gave them to me, and always said thank you.

Your DIL is horribly mannered, rude, self-centered, and thoughtless in her actions. She should be truly embarrassed.

I don't even understand this. What the heck does the SIL's DD have to do with anything? 

I understand feeling disappointed. Here's what I've noticed about my own mother buying my children clothes and my buying clothes for my DGSs. My mother buys very nice expensive clothes...that are just not practical. She says she's fine with the kids wearing them whenever and not just "for good" but that's, again, not practical. And she has the mentality that they are investment pieces. I don't want that responsibility. There are too many stings attached because I know how much time and effort she put into it, I can't treat it like its from a discount department store. 

What ive noticed buying for my own DGSs is that I have always dressed my kids in name brand clothes from Gap, Gymboree, etc. My personality style is quality over quantity. My DDs have no desire in a matching outfit from Gymbo with the cute little coat and socks and accessories. They'll put them on the boys. Maybe a couple times. They much prefer quantity! Their priority is the latest and greatest and because they're looking for that they prefer inexpensive things. I totally don't get it! Lol

But I *will* give them the gift of not making clothing an emotional battle. My mother and my DDs paternal grandmother were very generous buying clothing for my girls (they were twins and it was fun) and I kind of resented never getting to choose anything. No choosing Christmas dresses. No choosing Easter outfits. Even their everyday clothes were chosen by the grandmas. To have said anything at all would have crushed both ladies and I really was thankful for their generosity. So I choose to not make clothes an emotional issue for my girls. 

I love it when my mil gives me clothes for the kids. On the occasions she's given me something I don't like we still say thank-you, make sure we get a photo of them wearing it at least once and then pass them on to friends/family when it's been outgrown. I don't think it's a 'thing' these days, maybe a personal thing with her and her taste. I do think she was rude to ask you to return it and I'm sorry

Wow I can't even imagine being that rude.

I gladly accepted clothes from anyone. I'll admit that sometimes they got returned or on a rare occasion got donated with the tags still on. But that's because my MIL doesn't put a ton of thought into shopping. She picks up things on clearance (usually from Kmart or Walmart) months or years in advance they still wear them if they're size appropriate and not totally hideous.

Anyhow, this is your DILs issue, she's weird....and rude.

I'm sorry you were treated that way. I think it's ok to be honest, but to use some tact. I don't get why the SIL's DIL gets any input one way or the other. My mom got my kids clothes from discount racks etc. and I gladly put them in them. Even now she gets stuff at thrift stores and whatnot but we still gladly accept it.

I like the idea of taking a picture of the kid in the clothing item and then passing it on if it's not your style.

Well first of all, she doesn't even know her baby won't like it. She was told that someone else's baby didn't like that type of fabric. But in my case the things that never get worn are usually due to sizing issues. Typically I'll just exchange them but in the case of my mil they were bought so far in advance that they can't be returned. The things I just didn't care for usually became the spare outfit at daycare or in the diaper bag. 

The situation was not handled well at all and it sounds like you tried very hard. DIL/MIL dynamics can be tricky at best. Not sure about the "fabric" excuse, but a coat for an infant is not very useful. They cannot be worn in a car seat.

I have 3 daughters and 7 grandchildren and they all have very definite ideas of how their babies were/are dressed. I don't buy ANY clothes without their approval.

Oh I know. Im not offended. I probably came off a little defensive, that wasn't my intent, it's early, sorry

I agree that the DIL didn't handle the situation well. How do you get along with her in general?

As for grandparents buying clothes for the kids, I have mixed feelings. My mil used to buy a ton of clothes for the kids. The problem was that they weren't the style I would choose and most likely were the wrong size for the season. She is a bargain shopper and buys anything she thinks is a good deal, and didn't take into consideration when it would fit the child (shorts that fit in winter, etc). I also thought she bought clothes that seemed terribly outdated. She lives in NY and maybe those styles are more common there but not here. I would describe it as similar to how I see the royal babies dressed. Jumpers and other "classic" clothes. Anyway, I always said thank you and made a point to take pic when the kids wore the clothes she sent. But there were things that didn't get used, usually due to size issues. I felt bad and didn't like that she was spending money on things that didn't work. I'm not sure why, but she stopped sending things quite awhile ago. Probably a good thing because now the kids are picky. Although sending them cards or a gift for Christmas or their birthdays would be nice.

Your DIL is insensitive. I'm sorry.

My DIL was a single mom when our first grandchild was born. She and DS didn't marry until their DD was 3. I discovered she felt like I was saying she could not provide nice things for her child. Luckily we were able to have a heart-to-heart. I explained I bought baby clothes because it was fun and brought me joy. Now, we didn't have the same taste, but she was gracious about it. I liked to dress baby like a little girl, she liked to dress her like mini-me of herself.

Now that the grands are 12 and 7, she's thrilled when I buy them clothes.

Could you have a heart to heart with your DIL? Explain that it brings you joy, but you'd like to respect what types of clothes she wants for baby?

I think the difference is when you return a gift that doesn't fit, isn't practical, won't use, or you have similar items in the same size, AND the giver doesn't know that you exchanged or returned it, then the giver's feelings aren't hurt.

But when you go directly to that person and say, "For X reason, I don't like this or I won't use it so please return this gift", to me that is very "in your face". Additionally, I also think it is rude to expect the giver to be responsible for returning a gift.

That is why I give books as baby gifts now or onesies and generic sleepers. But honestly, I always include the receipt or gift receipt. That way, if they have duplicates in the same size, I think my including the receipt or gift receipt indicates to the person that I am okay if they need to return or exchange the item.

When it comes to dressy clothes or a coat for a baby, then I do think the mother's taste may come in to play.

Personally, if she would have said that to me, then I would have handed her the receipt or mailed her the receipt. I think if she wants to return or exchange the gift, then SHE needs to do the work.

Take a deep breath and take the high road.  Perhaps she didn't mean for it to come across to you as it did. I also don't think you should take it that she is deciding who gets to choose who buys a gift either.

I'm a "step grandma" and I buy the grandkids Christmas presents and for whatever reason, the one stepdaughter and her husband are very picky  when it comes to "whatever". A few years ago, the grandson was crazy about the Hulk and I made him a big fleece tied blanket with Hulk fleece material, big enough for a twin size bed (he was 3 at the time). He watches the Avengers, and  Incredible Hulk movies and cartoons plus has the action figures. A few months after Christmas, I asked them how he liked the blanket. Silence, then the son in law says, "oh we had to put the blanket away because E asked us once if the Incredible Hulk was going to take him." I guess they felt the blanket gave him "anxiety" and "stress". What was ironic was the grandson was wearing an Avengers tshirt with a much more menacing looking Hulk than the fleece blanket had (which looked a little more cartoonish) PLUS he was carrying 2 Hulk action figures.   I just looked significantly at E and raised my eyebrow and said "I see" to the parents and left it at that (but thinking 'as opposed to what you let him watch, play, and wear, but it's all about the blanket'). 

Oh and the next year, we got E a really nice kids oak table and 2 chairs that we bought in Amish country in Ohio. Really pretty and we got the "barely stained' or "natural" finish. But guess what, they either returned it and got a set painted in high gloss black paint or they painted the table and chairs themselves in high gloss black paint.  I'm thinking, well if I would have known that you wanted it in black, I would have gone to IKEA and got you some particle board piece of crap DIY thing versus a beautiful oak wood handcrafted table and chairs!! I mean isn't the point of wood furniture to actually see the oak? So since I was 0 for 2 with presents that I spent considerable time to either make or to drive and purchase, I now ask them for exactly what they want me to get for him and I buy it. I might get a few little presents to supplement, but I'm tired of being a tad bit insulted. So I get what you mean.

Now on the other hand, the other stepdaughter basically comes out and asks us to buy clothes for her kids or take them for a haircut. She'll call and say, "Oh can L and/or G spent the weekend with you? And oh, if so, you can take them to get their hair cut, or, they need a fall or spring jacket so if you want to take them shopping, here is their size. etc. etc. She isn't too subtle about it. If I want to do it, then I do it, but if I don't, then I don't.

ETA: In trying for conciseness and brevity in my response, and based on the comments about buying furniture being so intrusive, (kid size table and chairs), I erred in being too brief.

I didn't just buy the table and chairs as a big surprise to them. They had seen the kid-size oak table and chairs that my mother had bought for my son years ago. It's way too small for my son now so it is put away, but I get it out at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter and it is the "kid's table". They had admired it so I thought it was a safe choice. Later on that year, when I was getting gift ideas for Christmas, they didn't give me any suggestions. I asked about several items (coat, certain kinds of toys, Leapster, etc.)  and I got no, we have that already or he doesn't like that. After several strike-outs, I finally asked if they would like a table and chair set and they said yes. I said, "I know you don't like dark stained furniture, do want me to get something light or natural?". No problem and nothing said like "oh, get unpainted furniture" or "see if they have it in black". But then the big switcheroo or paint over with nothing said, I guess they were hoping that I didn't notice the kid size table and chairs sitting in their living room had been painted black. I felt it was a good present.

Also, their home has several oak furniture pieces (kitchen table, living room end tables, computer desk) that aren't painted black, their oak pieces have a very light stain or is natural. Based on that, I felt safe in assuming that the oak furniture was within their taste range. I guess that is what bothered me more than anything, I had a conversation with them ahead of time, they approved it. I even mentioned the color, nothing said, then the big change after the fact. What should I even bother? Should I just give you money or a gift card and you can go get exactly what you want or like.

What is also interesting is that when my husband or I don't get what they specify, usually E really likes it. I think they (the parents) think he is a computer nerd 6 year old hipster kid and he actually likes outdoor things and has kind of a farm boy bent.   My husband got him a fishing pole, tackle box, and some basic fishing items for his 6th birthday. Mommy and Daddy looked skeptical, but E really liked and asks to go fishing a lot or just cast the line with a weight on the end. We got him a basketball hoop and he loves it. I'm not saying they are always wrong or always right, but as kids get older, maybe open their horizons and be open to other things. Anyways, they are the parents and we go by what they say, but sometimes, I just have those little conversations in my mind. (As I am sure my mother did with me at times).

Doesn't sound like it was handled well, but a Sunday dress and coat that everyone oohed and aahed over likely is very impractical. My babies were very sensitive to scratchy material, tags, snaps etc. Add in colic and reflux/formula vomiting and laundry was a nightmare. Kiddos lived in cotton pjs and rompers. Yes I managed to put the gifted outfits on and snap pictures, but usually through lots of tears--my PPD and the sensitive tots too. I'm confused by your post who the new mom is, but regardless of her relationship to you, I tend to cut the mom slack...

This is really weird, Im pregnant with my first and would love my MIL to buy clothes. They go through so many clothes not every outfit needs to be perfect or picture worthy. Im sorry she reacted this way.

I could see this if you were buying nursery decor that didnt match her theme or something like that but not clothes!

And I'm curious to see what this outfit looks like!