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Post by Deleted on Apr 7, 2016 18:52:20 GMT
Also another benefit of dealing with it now. Your mom is of sound mind. No ailments, medications that others can use to say oh she didn't know what she was saying. Its truly sad that it really does come down to this in most situations. I'm really happy I'm an only child.
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Post by disneypal on Apr 7, 2016 18:57:27 GMT
I'm not sure why my mom brought it up in the first place Perhaps she is working on her will. If there is something that your mom has and you really would like it after she passes, then don't be afraid to voice it. She did ask. I wouldn't list half the house's contents but I would list a few special items that you would like. My mom asked this too and I told her I want the quilt that her mom made and this set of plates that she's had since before we kids were born. Of course she has much more things in her home but those things are special to me. I'm sure my siblings and I will work it all out when the day comes. (Which I hope is a very, very, very long time from now)
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Post by Chips on Apr 7, 2016 19:05:07 GMT
the real memory is what you carry in your heart and those can't be taken away. I just love this!
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marimoose
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Jul 22, 2014 2:10:14 GMT
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Post by marimoose on Apr 7, 2016 19:39:11 GMT
This is a tough subject. My mom is 86 and still pretty healthy. I am the executor for my Mom's estate because I live close by, older sister lives 500 miles away. Sister has been claiming stuff since my father died 23 years ago because she had a son and felt all of Dad's things should go to him. She also has a daughter and I have three daughters. I'm fine with whatever my Mom decides to do but sister is very pushy. Mom wanted to leave the proceeds of the sale of her house to all five grandchildren. Sis didn't think that was 'fair' because my family will benefit more by 1/5th and told Mom that the house needs to go to the both of us and we can just split the proceeds with the grandkids. Mom did what she asked because she didn't want to argue with her but her attorney told her to do what she wants, they are her possessions. Mom has a list of things that she wants each of us to have and I will abide by her list. I'm afraid it will be messy when the time comes. Makes one wonder if the grandkids would receive their portion, as your Mom intends, if it goes through your sister first. Why does it matter if the proceeds aren't equal for families, they would be equal for all the grandkids. I just don't undersatnd this greedy philosophy and am sorry that you are dealign with such nonsense.
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Post by gmcwife1 on Apr 7, 2016 19:50:30 GMT
I'm also taking pics of things to put in an album and mark where it originated (which gma, I bought it, given to me, garage sale etc)
That's a great idea! I wouldn't respond at all. I understand the sister drama and personally, I just can't get involved because then I allow my feelings to be hurt or I get all outraged or something. For me it's better to just not even respond. I agree, I have a sister that is always doing, saying and starting crap in our family. I don't give her the satisfaction of being involved, replying or even acknowledging her stupid stuff. She is miserable and loves to makes others the same.
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Post by mommaho on Apr 7, 2016 19:59:02 GMT
Makes one wonder if the grandkids would receive their portion, as your Mom intends, if it goes through your sister first. Why does it matter if the proceeds aren't equal for families, they would be equal for all the grandkids. I just don't undersatnd this greedy philosophy and am sorry that you are dealign with such nonsense. My girls will, but you are right, I'm not sure what she will do with her children.
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Post by MorellisCupcake on Apr 7, 2016 20:29:12 GMT
This is a tough subject. My mom is 86 and still pretty healthy. I am the executor for my Mom's estate because I live close by, older sister lives 500 miles away. Sister has been claiming stuff since my father died 23 years ago because she had a son and felt all of Dad's things should go to him. She also has a daughter and I have three daughters. I'm fine with whatever my Mom decides to do but sister is very pushy. Mom wanted to leave the proceeds of the sale of her house to all five grandchildren. Sis didn't think that was 'fair' because my family will benefit more by 1/5th and told Mom that the house needs to go to the both of us and we can just split the proceeds with the grandkids. Mom did what she asked because she didn't want to argue with her but her attorney told her to do what she wants, they are her possessions. Mom has a list of things that she wants each of us to have and I will abide by her list. I'm afraid it will be messy when the time comes. Makes one wonder if the grandkids would receive their portion, as your Mom intends, if it goes through your sister first. Why does it matter if the proceeds aren't equal for families, they would be equal for all the grandkids. I just don't undersatnd this greedy philosophy and am sorry that you are dealign with such nonsense. That. My family did love a good fight over stuff. My great grandfather Axel emigrated from Sweden, with his brother Werner, and each bought 106 acres of adjoining property. I'm a little fuzzy on why, but my uncle ended up getting Werner's property and put a house on it, where the old farmhouse from 1918 was. Axel had 4 sons, including my grandfather, who was the oldest, and loved the land. He lived on it until he died, in 1978. (Another brother died in the 1960's with no heirs). My mom and uncle inherited 36 acres, give or take, and the other two brothers each got the same - and sold it within a hot minute. Into lots. So now there are houses and new roads in what was lovely open farmland for decades. Then the part my mom and uncle got - they knew that their father (my grandpa) wanted it for his grandchildren. They had to pay taxes on it.. my mom had 3 kids, my uncle had 2. Same fight.. why split the taxes 50/50 when his kids were only set to inherit 2/5? Before any of us got to an age of taking it ourselves, they sold it.. and my sisters and I each got 1/5 of the value, and my uncle kept the remaining 2/5 for himself - his kids didn't get a dime. (If we're keeping score - that's the same uncle who got the 106 acres all to himself - which he then lost, by being a dick and cheating on his wife, who got it all in the divorce. ) I love that woman - in fact, I'm going to Canada to visit next week and am staying with her. She's lived on that property since 1975, loves it like we do, and thinks fighting over money is ridiculous. She's not a blood relative, we just like her best. My sisters and I learned from this and didn't fight over anything when our parents died. We all got stuff, and while we might want something the other one has, we ASK, and if it's no, it's no. (My sister has my grandfather's army jacket that I covet, but she didn't want to trade so I got over it and we're fine.) I think planning ahead is genius, and I'm going to do that for my kids, just to save any kind of conflict, or misery.
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Post by bigbundt on Apr 7, 2016 20:30:57 GMT
My mom (who is thankfully still alive) has told my sister and I which particular items she wants each of us to have. For her remaining jewelry and items, we are to take turns (my dd is in this as well) choosing items. So, as the eldest, I make the first choice of what I want, then my sister chooses, then my dd, then me, then my sister etc,etc. We can only choose 1 item at a time so this way no one ends up with all the good stuff and someone else ends up with all the crap In this end, I think this is a very equitable way to do it. Is your mom intending this to happen after she passes? My mom's mom did this and it turned into a massive cluster that you can't even imagine. Because it wasn't specifically written down in who got what in a will and the procedure to disperse the rest, my aunt (who was the executor) basically said that she couldn't find the jewelry that was promised to siblings for years and determined who got what out of the remaining jewelry. Even though everyone knew what was supposed to happen, it wasn't specified in the will and so my aunt was 100% in the right to do it the way she did. My mom barely talks to her anymore. Could you ask your sister why she said that? Sounds snotty but maybe it just came out wrong? I have probably said something similar but it is only because I live in a different state than my parents and chances are my brother will get more of the physical property because he lives a few miles from them.
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Post by ilikepink on Apr 7, 2016 20:40:39 GMT
Another perspective that I may offer, having watched a few families go through this. It may have less to do with the stuff, and more with how everyone in the family feels, and how they felt growing up. I've seen the "least favored" child demand/expect the most, and the "favored" child giving up what they may have wanted.
OP: I agree with ask your sister what she meant. It may come down to how she felt growing more than who gets which vase.
Another plus to being an only child.
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Post by papersilly on Apr 7, 2016 20:46:51 GMT
my 90 year old neighbor is doing this right now with her son and DIL. she keeps asking them to take stuff already she can see them enjoying it while she is alive. the son is not into "stuff" and the DIL is still dealing with all the stuff she still has to get rid of from her mom's house. my neighbor just has this one child so she has no one else to offer the stuff to.
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Post by lesserknownpea on Apr 7, 2016 20:59:19 GMT
Ugh-- as others have said, it brings out the worst in people.
My mom died at only 53. When she was sick, she brought up the question of what each of us got. There was a ring she always wore, and she said that would be mine. My sisters got equivalent or better items.
Right before she died, when she was on a lot of morphine, my grandmother asked if she could have that ring. Mom said yes, but it went to me after grandmother.
I thought: well grandmother in up in years, let the ring comfort her, and I'll still get it. When I visited her, she would often point to that ring and mention that I would inherit it.
Grandmother lived to 99 1/2!! Which was great. I had now waited 23 years for my mother's ring.
But when she passed, my aunt started wearing it. She tried to guilt me into letting her keep it. I had to tell her I'd waited all those years for my mothers ring. She took it off and now it never leaves my finger.
But everyone else got a piece of jewelry from my grandmother, except me, because I "got " the ring.
And it is of almost no value. Just reminds me of my mother.
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Post by christine58 on Apr 7, 2016 21:07:17 GMT
I am not sure how to respond to this conversation without starting WW3, and I'm not sure why my mom brought it up in the first place. Families...Grrrrr. Say nothing via email...have a conversation 1:1 with your mom.
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Post by beaglemom on Apr 7, 2016 23:55:20 GMT
I am worried about the opposite. DH's parents have a house stuffed full of crap. Fil loves to buy "stuff" when they travel and they take at least two major trips a year. He can usually cover their dining room table (that seats 8-10) with all the things he buys in a trip. We live 15 minutes away. My sils live 1500 miles away. They say they want stuff, but I don't see them ever dealing with it. And i could see both of them being convinced stuff is worth something. Me I would just have a company come give a quote and take it all away. It might not even be worth that.
My mil keeps bringing up that they are redoing their will. But they don't/won't talk to us about what is in it. In the past they had said they were leaving their house the their children - which just seems like a horrible idea to me. Why leave a house to three different people, two of whom live out of state. Plus we (dh and I) are the only ones that could conceivably buy out the other two. And their lives are very established out of state.
Also their current end of life plan according to fil is that my oldest niece (who is currently 11) is going to come go to graduate school in California and live with them. Which would put them in their late 80's early 90's when she would be ready. And then mil says that when fil dies she is moving in with her oldest daughter....the one that is 1500 miles away.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2016 0:42:21 GMT
This is a tough subject. My mom is 86 and still pretty healthy. I am the executor for my Mom's estate because I live close by, older sister lives 500 miles away. Sister has been claiming stuff since my father died 23 years ago because she had a son and felt all of Dad's things should go to him. She also has a daughter and I have three daughters. I'm fine with whatever my Mom decides to do but sister is very pushy. Mom wanted to leave the proceeds of the sale of her house to all five grandchildren. Sis didn't think that was 'fair' because my family will benefit more by 1/5th and told Mom that the house needs to go to the both of us and we can just split the proceeds with the grandkids. Mom did what she asked because she didn't want to argue with her but her attorney told her to do what she wants, they are her possessions. Mom has a list of things that she wants each of us to have and I will abide by her list. I'm afraid it will be messy when the time comes. It is for this specific reason I asked my mother to NOT make me executor of her estate - to please ask someone who is NOT blood related to make sure my mother's wishes are fulfilled. I am afraid things would get too mess with my older sister and my nieces from my deceased sister. OP - I would ask my Mom to please refrain from sending emails like that. I would advise her to do what she (Mom) wants to do now and make updates as time goes along. After the response from Dear Auntie, I would slowly back away but keep the big stick in the dark corner - you might need it later.
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moodyblue
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Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Apr 8, 2016 0:59:07 GMT
I would give it all up just to have more time w/my mother. We had that conversation when she was dying and it was creepy even then. When my mil starts talking like that I immediately cut her off and tell her that she's too important to us and we'd rather have her w/us than her stuff. Remind your mom that she's young and still very alive and that it's a morbid conversation to have. You have your own thoughts about this, but I can't imagine NOT letting someone have that conversation if they wished. I would never cut them off from talking about it - if it's important enough to them to bring it up, then they have the right to say what they want. And as others have said, even if no one else cares about those belongings, the owner DOES care, and deserves to decide and know what will happen to them, if he/she wants. It must be so frustrating for your mother-in-law, not being able to talk about it with you - and if she's brought it up more than once, then you should realize that she DOES want to talk. Why wouldn't you respect her enough to listen?
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Post by 950nancy on Apr 8, 2016 1:40:25 GMT
Here's an option that might work for your family. After my mom passed away, my dad made a list of some of the nicer or more sentimental items in the house. He mailed us each a copy and asked us to prioritize what we each might want. We just put things in numerical order. From that list, he would decide, what went to whom. None of us really each wanted the same things, so it was much easier to pick. After he passed away his new wife proceeded to give stuff to other people, so I was really glad to have received the things from my mom earlier.
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eleezybeth
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Jun 28, 2014 20:42:01 GMT
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Post by eleezybeth on Apr 8, 2016 2:02:49 GMT
This conversation makes me twitchy!
My mom refuses to complete a real will. She says she has a notarized piece of paper. She hasn't named an executor. My brother is an ass. Yeah! Good times. I've begged her repeatedly to leave it all to him so I do not have to deal with him. Bro and I text twice a year so we're not exactly close. Are there things I want? Yes... because I was told they were mine since I was little. I'm the girl, I get the rings. He's the boy, he gets the watches. I do want these little scissors she sews with. Value is probably $2. Brother will fight me tooth and nail simply because I want them. His wife can be as greedy but at least she has appreciation for sentimental things. I think she will reign him in.
When my grandmother died, my uncle who was the executor of the will said, "Take what you gave to her. And do it today." My DH had a TV in college which we didn't need anymore. Her's broke so we drove his up to her. She had it for 3 years. We took it with us as uncle told us to. We were also TOLD to go through and take what we wanted. I took my favorite quilt (and it was mine, she made it for me to use at her house), a piano book, and her pictures (because NOBODY else wanted them). My father (who was dead) had made her and my mother matching rocking chairs. My mom took the chair but it came to me. Fast forward 9 years... Uncle #4 calls and reams my mother because I STOLE the TV. He wanted my mother to pay him his share... of my DH's TV. Good times, good times.
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Post by scrapmaven on Apr 8, 2016 2:10:18 GMT
I would give it all up just to have more time w/my mother. We had that conversation when she was dying and it was creepy even then. When my mil starts talking like that I immediately cut her off and tell her that she's too important to us and we'd rather have her w/us than her stuff. Remind your mom that she's young and still very alive and that it's a morbid conversation to have. You have your own thoughts about this, but I can't imagine NOT letting someone have that conversation if they wished. I would never cut them off from talking about it - if it's important enough to them to bring it up, then they have the right to say what they want. And as others have said, even if no one else cares about those belongings, the owner DOES care, and deserves to decide and know what will happen to them, if he/she wants. It must be so frustrating for your mother-in-law, not being able to talk about it with you - and if she's brought it up more than once, then you should realize that she DOES want to talk. Why wouldn't you respect her enough to listen? She never discusses specifics. An example is that the other day she mentioned painting her house now or waiting and letting us deal w/it. She's very healthy and though she's close to 90 in very good health. If she ever sat down w/me and said that she wanted to seriously discuss who gets what possession I would of course listen. Also, I think it's none of my business. I'm her dil, not her dd. In my case, I went through some very nasty battles over an estate several years ago, sued by family and everything. It tore me up, but at the same time I learned the value of people in my life. Now I cringe when I hear about who gets what.
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Post by chlerbie on Apr 8, 2016 2:32:30 GMT
My mom designated a couple of items to us, and then we were just to split up everything else. We took turns picking large things/furniture and then when it came to the smaller items, we played hands of cards to see who'd get it. It made it fun and actually is a really nice memory I have of spending time with my two brothers. In one hand, there was an item that I really wanted--and I lost the hand, but it turned out that one of my brothers was playing to win to give it to me, so I still got it.
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MerryMom
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Jul 24, 2014 19:51:57 GMT
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Post by MerryMom on Apr 8, 2016 2:42:31 GMT
Dear Sister,
I'm confused by your statement about how my having Grandma's glass chicken, a wall plate with a saying on it, a rubber mallet, a microwave, and a few books constitute me "getting all the stuff anyways".
Please explain. Perhaps you are under the impression that I have the family treasure chest???
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Post by annabella on Apr 8, 2016 2:46:55 GMT
Your poor mom. I can't imagine trying to open up a conversation about what happens to my stuff after I die and getting a snotty reply like your sister gave her. Exactly. I think it was very smart of your mother to bring this up so there won't be any conflicts later. She could be in a car accident tomorrow. Your sister, well if she can't be bothered to talk on the phone, I wouldn't be bothered to respond to that email.
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Post by 950nancy on Apr 8, 2016 2:51:51 GMT
Your poor mom. I can't imagine trying to open up a conversation about what happens to my stuff after I die and getting a snotty reply like your sister gave her. Exactly. I think it was very smart of your mother to bring this up so there won't be any conflicts later. She could be in a car accident tomorrow. Your sister, well if she can't be bothered to talk on the phone, I wouldn't be bothered to respond to that email. Talking about what people want or get is just responsible. It isn't morbid and in no way accelerates someone's "end of time." In my book, it is just making sure your loved ones have fewer things to worry about or fight about. I think it is a gift. Having been there and done that with my parents and the in-laws, it just makes sense.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2016 2:56:09 GMT
I work for a law firm that specializes in Estate Planning.
After only 5 months on the job, I could already write a book about some of the crazy stuff, from crazy and dysfunctional families. I've literally had to be the middle man on the telephone between grown ass people.
It makes me ill to see how poorly people treat their family over money and "stuff".
We should all have wills. On Wednesday, I talked to a young widow on the phone. He was 31 yrs old and they have a 4yo and a 4 month old child.
It's NEVER too soon to think about this stuff.
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Post by grammadee on Apr 8, 2016 3:28:41 GMT
Your mom is probably thinking about this because of her husband's illness. Either she is thinking she will have to move and won't be able to take all her "stuff", or she has seen some drama on his side of the family. Or she is facing her own mortality. My sister-in-law's husband passed when she was in her 50's, and ever since, she has made comments as if she is an old woman, with nothing to look forward to.
If there is something you really want, admit it. If one of your sisters suddenly decides that is exactly what SHE wants, let it go. In reality, in your mind, in your heart. Everyone has his/her own idea of what is right and fair. My idea is to let the stuff go: the memories will always be with you.
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Post by scrappykimba on Apr 8, 2016 6:42:12 GMT
Oh I hear ya. My sisters (two also) are a real piece of work. I joke that mom should've stopped at 1 kid (there are 5 total) but #1 is the biggest pot stirrer of all. Mom is 80 now and has some things I'd like so I talked to her about it and just said that I would like her dolls. We spent many a time going places to collect them and nobody else would have any interest. I'm the only one with a girl (although they can be passed to boys) so I'm hoping that I get them. I don't think there's anything official written down and I know those cleaning out her house at the end won't give me a damn thing (I wasn't offered a single thing of my dad's 16 years ago). I also have jokingly hope mom will give all her $ to charity. We're a bunch of in-fighting idiots. Nobody can stand the other and the jealousy is running thick as fleas. Makes me crazy! Sounds like my family lol It is so sad to see the way people act over "stuff". Saying that though, I have always said to mum that I would take her photos when she is gone- least then I know they will be looked after.
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Post by lbp on Apr 8, 2016 14:36:05 GMT
Because I can be a sarcastic witch I would have responded with "Thanks sisters! I get it all"!!!! Whoo Hoo!
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