Living People and Requesting Things Before They Die...Vent

Oh I hear ya. My sisters (two also) are a real piece of work. I joke that mom should've stopped at 1 kid (there are 5 total) but #1 is the biggest pot stirrer of all.

Mom is 80 now and has some things I'd like so I talked to her about it and just said that I would like her dolls. We spent many a time going places to collect them and nobody else would have any interest. I'm the only one with a girl (although they can be passed to boys) so I'm hoping that I get them. I don't think there's anything official written down and I know those cleaning out her house at the end won't give me a damn thing (I wasn't offered a single thing of my dad's 16 years ago).

I also have jokingly hope mom will give all her $ to charity. We're a bunch of in-fighting idiots. Nobody can stand the other and the jealousy is running thick as fleas. Makes me crazy!

I've been thinking about doing this for some of my possessions and the possessions of my parents (with their permission, of course), just so that we don't forget over the years.

Sometimes now I find I have a vague memory of something and when I go asking around, people can no longer remember clearly, or they just never knew, and I realize that the person who originally told me is no longer alive.   I recently found a broach that I have, and I can't recall who gave it to me or who it used to belong to.  I was guessing one grandmother, or perhaps my great-grandmother originally owned it, but I just don't recall.  So now I'm passing around a photo of this silly thing to ask people who might now where it came from.

Ouch! That had to sting. I'm not sure what it is about inheritances and family, but it does seem to bring out the worst in many. I would probably do a Reply All and ask what makes her say that. If she's going to open her mouth, put her on the spot and make her own it. From experience I can tell you that ignoring her comment won't make the situation improve or disappear. Better to take that bull by the horns!

We are going through something similar right now. Mom is almost 80 and in bad health. There is a strong possibility of assisted living in the next year. She lives in a house that I own (and have a good bit of furniture in), while another sister lives with her to provide assistance. The third sister hasn't been bothered to visit, call or remember things like Mother's Day or birthdays for many, many years. Mom has made it clear that she would prefer this sister get very little, if anything. Yet she is the one on the phone this week with the "I wants". Good thing she is a few states away because I'm ready to throttle her. All this drama over stuff. At the end of the day that's all it is, stuff.

On the positive side, you should be happy your mom is trying to sort this out now. If you can get it all hammered out now, perhaps things will go more smoothly when she does eventually pass (may that be many long years from now!).

I would give it all up just to have more time w/my mother. We had that conversation when she was dying and it was creepy even then. When my mil starts talking like that I immediately cut her off and tell her that she's too important to us and we'd rather have her w/us than her stuff.

Remind your mom that she's young and still very alive and that it's a morbid conversation to have.

Honestly, I'd ignore your sister. This 'conversation' isn't about her and her bitchiness, it's about letting your mom know that you have good memories of her. IME, when someone starts talking about divvying up their stuff, what they really want is to hear that it has value to someone else, and by value, I mean memories that you treasure.

For instance, my Granny gave me her china cabinet, not just because I asked for it, but because I told her I remembered staring at what was in it for hours when I was a child. The china cabinet has no monetary value, needs completely refacing and reglassing, but my cousins would have fought me tooth and nail over it just because they are buttholes and it might be something they could have sold. Do I need a china cabinet that will cost me more to repair than a new would cost? Nope! Not at all. But I'm the oldest grand child and the only one who ever paid any attention to the thing.

My advice - I'd answer the group mail by saying that, since no one else responded with a list, you'll privately send Mom a list of what you'd like to have after you think about it a bit. Make a list of the things you'd really like to have and don't worry about being fair or not asking for more than your share. Ask for the things you'd really like to have and TELL your mom WHY you want them. You don't sound like a grabby person, so I'm betting that you'd want things that have special memories for you, rather than just the monetarily valuable things. Don't hesitate to ask for things with monetary value, though. Your mom will feel better about things she has spent real money on if one of her kids wants them after she's gone.

I'm only 50, but my DH had a stroke last year and, though he made a full recovery, it really made me start thinking about my own mortality. I've spent some time thinking about what I would want each of my kids to have and what each of them might want. I know my DS would like my David Winter Cottages - not because they have any monetary value (they don't) but because they were bought before his sister was born and he got to help choose each one. He knows where each hidden mouse is and where to find Nessie. Since I stopped buying the before DD was born, she has no such memories of them. She'd rather have my craft stuff, since that's what she and I did together. The two of them will fight tooth and nail over my scrapbooks and gardening stuff, though, since they both have some very special memories attached to those things. Can't you just see the judge's face when he has to hear a court case over who gets the $2 trowel from Wal-Mart that I've used in every garden I've ever planted? I taught both of my kids how to plant using that trowel and they have both told me in no uncertain terms that they want it.

Know how that made me feel? It made me feel LOVED, because they want it because of the memories it represents of the time we spent together using it. That's what your mom is after, that feeling of knowing you will remember a special time with her every time you look at this thing that she left behind.

Marcy

My MIL is getting a jump on that and just doling out the stuff. When we were there last summer I came home with bags of quilts made by various family members. She's going to give me her ceramic xmas tree that lights up which I have coveted since I married into the family.
For years my SIL was always going on about how this and that was hers when my MIL died. They no longer speak so that ain't happening. I hope it all goes to the grandkids.
Funny, all those things I thought would be great to have when I was 30 are now things i would struggle to find a place/use for at 50.

It is much better to have this conversation NOW. When the time comes you will be glad to know what your Mom's wishes were. Right now this is for her more than for you and your sisters. It is not easy thing to deal with, especially if your sisters aren't cooperative.

My DH and his brothers wanted no part in listening to their parents' requests funeral song choices, particular retired preacher if he was able, out of state old friends and extended family to notify. I sat down with them and wrote out all their wishes. Years later, when the end was near for my MIL, my DH was with his brothers, they wanted the info, same with FIL.

As I have said before, my Dad and brother died 9 years apart and we were left to deal with all. My Dad had taken a steno pad and made a few notes before he had surgery, convinced he would die on the operating table (he did not). He died 4 mos later at 53. It was a comfort and an honor to follow his requests. My brother was divorced with minor DDs, so my Mom, sister and I decided to mirror my Dad's funeral.

I understand and agree that it is morbid and uncomfortable to talk about. But let me give you something to think about. It's something I'm dealing with now, having an 88 year old mother in poor health who's constantly bringing up the subject. Her possessions mean a lot to her and while some of it seems like just regular old stuff to me, it is all "valuable" to her. My mother was widowed at the age of 47 and she feels like she accomplished a lot learning how to take care of and provide for herself. She hates the thought that everything she worked so hard to obtain might not be appreciated and wanted. She even said recently how sad it makes her feel to think no one wants her 'stuff'. I don't want to discuss it because I don't want to think about her passing on, but I'm forcing myself to do it because I want her to feel good knowing her possessions won't be tossed to the curb. I can get past the icky part knowing my mother is happy. I'm on my phone and I don't know how to bold my text so I'll repeat ... Do it because it makes your loved one happy knowing their "stuff" is appreciated and wanted.

On the other hand, my sister has been claiming things for years. Not physically taking anything yet but we all know what goes to her when mom passes on. My brother and I say she'll be pulling up a moving van the day mother dies. She did actually take mother's kitchen table last year (I even wrote about it here) and there was a major rift because of it that we're just now putting to rest for my mother's sake. She "wants to die knowing all my children are living in unity".

My mother asked my brother and me if there was anything particular we would like as mementos long before she passed away and we chose a few items each which were noted down on instructions to the executor/trustees (of which I was one). The understanding was we would divide up other family items we wanted to keep in an equitable way and that's what we did. I preferred the approach my Mum took to just leaving everything up in the air - I lived with her while my brother and his family were overseas and IMO it helped avoid arguments over who would take what. That's the whole point of a will and setting out your wishes for how you want your estate dealt with

My grandparents had the conversation with my mom and her sisters and as a result, when they passed everything was tagged and marked with who gets what.

My mom had this discussion with us years ago. There are five of us that come from three different combinations of parental genes. We all know precisely what we want and what we are getting. About every two years or so, she checks back in with us and if something has changed, the list (and will) gets updated. We all actually have fun with it and the horse trading that goes on is hysterical. To date, none of us have ever squabbled and all have that thing that is meaningful to us. 

It could be a difficult conversation for sure, but I think having it ahead of time makes a lot of sense. That way, expectations are managed and everyone knows what is going to happen. We know what will happen if one of them precedes the other and what would happen if they pass together. We know who has the financial power of attorney, who has the medical power of attorney, who the executor will be and what the executor will paid for doing it. It has all been set up in advance, discussed and issues addressed and there will be no surprises for any of us.

It makes sense for us and has worked out really well.  

Absolutely cooperate with your mom to have this conversation NOW and to make sure she writes all of her decisions down in a legal will. It will save ALL of you a whole lot of headaches (and possibly a LOT of money) and maybe hurt feelings down the road. It also will help keep people honest in the short term if they know she has specified that certain people will get certain things down the road.

Here's my story/PSA (warning, it's LONG). I have seven siblings (one died years ago). Way before my mom passed away, she would talk about this kid getting this or that and even went so far as to write (in pencil) on the back of certain pieces of nice furniture someone's name. What she should have done was put it in her will who should get what. As the years went on, one of my sisters was notorious for going to "visit" my mom, and while doing so, would go through her cabinets, closets and dresser drawers. If she came across something she wanted (typically things of some value), she would ask, "Mom, are you using this? Because if you're not, I sure could use it right now at my house." This was everything from expensive kitchen equipment to jewelry to my mom's china service, even MY serger which happened to be at mom's house because my brother borrowed it to fix a jacket! To a fault, my mom would tell her, "Sure, go ahead, you can use it." So my sister would take it home. For some things too big to take home or that there wasn't an immediate need for, my sister would write her OWN name on the back.

No one else wanted to take stuff from my mom while she was still alive. Even if one of us did want something mom wasn't of sound enough mind at the end to remember it or to even be able to change her will at that point to reflect what we would have liked to have as a meaningful memento. That has to be done BEFORE a person is incapacitated. So basically, once mom died there was very little left in her actual possession to divide up because my sister had it all already for years!

When her lawyer had everyone come up with a list of items we remembered our mom having at the house, over half of the items on our group list were listed as either previously gifted or unknown (even though every one of us knew exactly where the stuff was--at my sister's house). But at that point, if it wasn't in mom's possession anymore and really hadn't been in years, it was off the table.

Now, the thing that really sticks in my craw isn't that my sister walked off with most of our mom's stuff leaving nothing for the other SIX of us (which was bad enough), it was because none of this was specified in the will (along with some other important matters that my mom refused to deal with when she was of sound mind), so the whole mess went through probate and it took over FOUR YEARS to settle. It ended up costing over $20K in legal fees to settle my mom's very modest estate.  It was a nightmare, and all of those legal fees came straight off the top before anyone else got a single penny--or anything else for that matter. Had the physical possessions been listed in the will, those items could have been dispersed immediately.

If it's stated in the will that so and so should get this or that, the odds of it happening will greatly improve as there will be zero doubt as to what your mom wanted to do. Once you start getting lawyers and judges involved it starts getting messy and expensive, especially if people are the type to fight over particular things, and the odds of each person getting what they truly wanted shrinks.

And to add insult to injury in my family's case, what was left was divided up by the court seven ways so my sister got ended up getting another 1/7th over and above everything else she had taken previously. I'm sure both of my parents were rolling in their graves over how that whole mess was so horribly and unfairly mishandled, and the whole thing could have been avoided if my mom would have made clear directives in her will as to who should have gotten what while she was still able.

Oh, and one last thing: if there is any way to name beneficiaries for anything, make SURE that happens. Part of our problem was that not everything that should have had beneficiaries named actually did, so those accounts had to go through probate before they could be split up, adding time, expense and hassle to what should have been fast and easy.

I sincerely hope your family doesn't someday have to suffer that same fate. 

This is a tough subject. My mom is 86 and still pretty healthy. I am the executor for my Mom's estate because I live close by, older sister lives 500 miles away. Sister has been claiming stuff since my father died 23 years ago because she had a son and felt all of Dad's things should go to him. She also has a daughter and I have three daughters. I'm fine with whatever my Mom decides to do but sister is very pushy. Mom wanted to leave the proceeds of the sale of her house to all five grandchildren. Sis didn't think that was 'fair' because my family will benefit more by 1/5th and told Mom that the house needs to go to the both of us and we can just split the proceeds with the grandkids. Mom did what she asked because she didn't want to argue with her but her attorney told her to do what she wants, they are her possessions.

Mom has a list of things that she wants each of us to have and I will abide by her list. I'm afraid it will be messy when the time comes.