|
|
Post by Anne-Marie on Apr 7, 2016 15:43:22 GMT
Will try to keep this concise but that is not my strong suit.
DH's niece (*see below), "S", is a single mom in her early 20's. She has two children, a first grader and a 2-year-old. Her mom was absent during part of her childhood and they have a relationship now, but it is somewhat fractured due to her mom's drug use, erratic behavior and lifestyle. Her dad was never around much, was in and out of jail (may be in now) and is not in the picture. We do not believe she is currently with the father of her children and I seriously doubt that he helps to support them financially. S works and is a few weeks from finishing school/training to be a Certified Nurse's Aide. When that is complete she will move into a CNA position at the facility where she currently works.
S has made some poor choices along the way, doesn't have a history of following through, holding a job, etc. and she has disappointed DH on numerous occasions ('borrowing' money from him because she said she needed food for the kids but using it to get a new tattoo, never paying back any of the money she 'borrows', etc.). DH has been against loaning her money for a while now - maybe $20 here and there for gas or for diapers, but not larger amounts. She reached out to him recently and needed a money quickly because she and the kids were going to be evicted. He and I discussed it and agreed to loan her the money since she is sticking to this program that is going to lead to a better position at work, has been employed at this facility for a few months, and we really and truly are hopeful that she's growing up and getting her act together. He gave her the money with the understanding that it is a LOAN and that he will never again give her money if she doesn't pay it back.
I really feel for this young woman. She doesn't have much of a support network to speak of and her family life growing up was such a mess that in some ways I am surprised she's doing as well as she is. I feel like she just needs someone to believe in her and encourage her. I was a single mom for several years, had an amazing support system, and it was still a difficult and lonely place at times.
I want to do something to encourage S - little things periodically that show her that someone cares - and absolutely want this to be viewed as a gift and not something we want anything in return for. Our budget doesn't allow for a ton of extras but really, we are blessed. I'm thinking a gift card every once in a while for something she and the kids normally wouldn't be able to do (a meal out, a new pair of shoes from Target, etc.), a note of encouragement, some small surprises in the mail that might be uplifting and brighten her day. Any ideas?
* the wrench in the whole deal is that S and I do not have a relationship. She is the niece of DH's first wife (who passed away 8 years ago) and she grew up very close to them. In fact, during the time that her mother was out of her life, S lived with DH and his first wife, they coached her soccer team, took her to church and treated her as their own. The loss of S's aunt/DH's first wife when S was a teen was devastating for her. DH and I have only been married a year and he was already frustrated with S when we met, so there haven't been any real opportunities for us to get to know each other. I strongly feel like she needs her uncle and I want to try to have a relationship with her, but at the same time don't want to make her feel like I am trying to suddenly be her aunt - I just want her to see that someone cares about her and show her some kindness.
|
|
quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,698
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
|
Post by quiltz on Apr 7, 2016 15:48:19 GMT
Please remember that a loan to a family member is usually not paid back & that this money should be considered a gift. Just saying.
|
|
|
|
Post by Anne-Marie on Apr 7, 2016 15:55:09 GMT
Please remember that a loan to a family member is usually not paid back & that this money should be considered a gift. Just saying. We absolutely went into it with that mindset when we agreed to give her the money. DH has zero expectation that she will pay a dime of it back.This is the end of the road for him on giving her any cash if she doesn't pay it back and I support him fully in that. But I still would like to do something nice for her - something she hasn't asked for - something to lift her up. |
|
Kerri W
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,768 
Location: Kentucky
|
Post by Kerri W on Apr 7, 2016 15:59:54 GMT
I want to do something to encourage S - little things periodically that show her that someone cares - and absolutely want this to be viewed as a gift and not something we want anything in return for. Our budget doesn't allow for a ton of extras but really, we are blessed. I'm thinking a gift card every once in a while for something she and the kids normally wouldn't be able to do (a meal out, a new pair of shoes from Target, etc.), a note of encouragement, some small surprises in the mail that might be uplifting and brighten her day. Any ideas? I think those are great ideas! I was a young single mom who had a great support system so I totally get where you are coming from. Sometimes you just feel like the whole world is trying to make you pay for the bad decision you made, you know?! I encourage you to get involved in the way you stated above. Leave the money decisions to your DH since he has the history with her in that respect. But you love on her all you can! I have a young lady (a high school friend of one of my DDs) that I have a big heart for and do something similar....make sure I go to her kids birthday parties, buy them little treats, invite her to holiday dinners, etc. I have never once regretted showing her love and letting her know somebody cares. She's doing really great and a couple weeks ago sent me a very heartfelt letter thanking me for being the "mom" her mom couldn't be and helping her get to a place where she understands her mom's addiction better and can choose to be (her words) a "good" mom to her kids. I'm so stinking proud of her! |
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 6, 2024 6:42:14 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 7, 2016 16:07:20 GMT
Do they live nearby? If so, invite them over for dinner once in awhile. Or take them out for ice cream or pizza.
Gift cards are nice, but the gift of time is also important. And it will help you build a relationship with her so you can be more of the support system she needs.
|
|
mlana
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,523
|
Post by mlana on Apr 7, 2016 16:33:00 GMT
For future reference, instead of giving her the money, make the payment for her. At the very least, make the check out to company she said it was going to pay. This way, you don't have to worry that the money won't go where you wanted it to go and you won't tempt her to keep a bit back for something else. Remember how hard it was to send every dime you had to pay bills? Knowing that there would be nothing left to buy a treat for your child or yourself? So tempting to just keep a little back to buy something fun.
Also, when you loan anyone money, especially family, write out a contract that details the terms of the loan and have both parties sign it. It may not be legal, but it ensures that everyone is on the same page as far as expectations as to how and when the loan will be repaid.
I was a single mom for a bit. What I remember wanting more than anything was just a few minutes alone to do something I WANTED to do, not something I HAD to do. My folks were wonderful about keeping my DS when I had to work or needed to do grocery shopping or house work, but they could be a bit pissy about keeping him just so I could go to the library or climb in a tub of hot water. I would have loved knowing that, once a month or so, someone was going to HAPPILY spend some time with my son while I did something just for ME. I never felt comfortable asking my folks to do this because they already watched him while I did things that were necessary.
Of course, you could just offer to watch them while she does her errands. If she doesn't have someone in her life who looks forward to spending time with her kids, having you ask to do so might be more special to her than you realize. Have them over for dinner during the week if you don't live too far away from her or have them over for a BBQ on the weekend. Get to know her kids so she knows that she has someone that could watch them if something were to happen to her. Knowing you have someone as backup is such a load off your shoulders.Something else to think about: new graduates love to share their newly acquired knowledge. Ask her opinion on matters involving what she just went to school for, and give her a chance to show off her new knowledge to you.
Here's something to avoid. When you and your DH see her for family events or when you have her over for that BBQ, don't discuss the loan with her. Not a word. If you need to talk to her about it, call her or make a special time with her to discuss it. Keep your social visits social and your money visits on point. If something happens and she legitimately can't make a loan payment, chances are that's when she's going to need y'all the most and you don't want her avoiding you because she knows you're going to bring up the loan.
Marcy
|
|
|
|
Post by Anne-Marie on Apr 7, 2016 17:13:16 GMT
Do they live nearby? If so, invite them over for dinner once in awhile. Or take them out for ice cream or pizza. Gift cards are nice, but the gift of time is also important. And it will help you build a relationship with her so you can be more of the support system she needs. They live about an hour away and she is working during the day and going to school at night right now but hopefully once she is done with school our schedules will line up better and we can have them over. Also, DH is hesitant to have S around our DDs (ages 11 and almost 14) much right now due to some of the choices she has made. That is one of the things we are working on that I am hopeful will get better with time and as he sees that she's making better choices. |
|
|
|
Post by hollymolly on Apr 7, 2016 17:28:54 GMT
Do they live nearby? If so, invite them over for dinner once in awhile. Or take them out for ice cream or pizza. Gift cards are nice, but the gift of time is also important. And it will help you build a relationship with her so you can be more of the support system she needs. I agree with this. I was also a single mom with a good support network, but I still had needs that weren't always met. If you can spend time with her, that would be the best place to start. I would suggest both gift cards for places she can take the kids so they can have family time, and also going out to eat with them so she can enjoy a meal with an extra hand to help with the kids. She may not have time to go out for meals without the kids, but if she has lunch breaks either at school or work, bring her lunch and sit and chat with her. My biggest challenge as a single mom with school and a job was dinner. Planning, buying groceries, cooking, it was all too much for me. Dropping off dinner, especially things she can freeze and re-heat, would be wonderful. Send her greeting cards for encouragement. When you're a poor single mother, it seems like the mail is either bills or something you need to take care of. It's so nice to get happy mail. Also, a card is something she can look at again when she needs a boost. Just knowing someone believes in you is so important, and can keep you going when you think you can't. I had a material support, and a lot of people giving up their time to keep my son while I worked and went to school, but I didn't get a lot of emotional or verbal support. If you do nothing else, praise her for what she has done right so far, and what she is doing every day. The best way to show someone you believe in them is to point out their successes, especially the seemingly small ones that are really huge, like getting the kids dressed every day, showing up for work, going to class when she has 15 million things she'd rather be doing during that time. The most touching gifts I received were random small things just for me. Things I would never have spent money on. If she has a history of spending irresponsibly on herself, it's going to be a lot harder for her to sacrifice while she gets herself through school. A gift like that could help keep her strong when she's feeling tempted. |
|
|
|
Post by Anne-Marie on Apr 7, 2016 22:35:39 GMT
Do they live nearby? If so, invite them over for dinner once in awhile. Or take them out for ice cream or pizza. Gift cards are nice, but the gift of time is also important. And it will help you build a relationship with her so you can be more of the support system she needs. I agree with this. I was also a single mom with a good support network, but I still had needs that weren't always met. If you can spend time with her, that would be the best place to start. I would suggest both gift cards for places she can take the kids so they can have family time, and also going out to eat with them so she can enjoy a meal with an extra hand to help with the kids. She may not have time to go out for meals without the kids, but if she has lunch breaks either at school or work, bring her lunch and sit and chat with her. My biggest challenge as a single mom with school and a job was dinner. Planning, buying groceries, cooking, it was all too much for me. Dropping off dinner, especially things she can freeze and re-heat, would be wonderful. Send her greeting cards for encouragement. When you're a poor single mother, it seems like the mail is either bills or something you need to take care of. It's so nice to get happy mail. Also, a card is something she can look at again when she needs a boost. Just knowing someone believes in you is so important, and can keep you going when you think you can't. I had a material support, and a lot of people giving up their time to keep my son while I worked and went to school, but I didn't get a lot of emotional or verbal support. If you do nothing else, praise her for what she has done right so far, and what she is doing every day. The best way to show someone you believe in them is to point out their successes, especially the seemingly small ones that are really huge, like getting the kids dressed every day, showing up for work, going to class when she has 15 million things she'd rather be doing during that time. The most touching gifts I received were random small things just for me. Things I would never have spent money on. If she has a history of spending irresponsibly on herself, it's going to be a lot harder for her to sacrifice while she gets herself through school. A gift like that could help keep her strong when she's feeling tempted. Thank you. Very good suggestions. I will work on finding time - right now it is in very short supply but I do realize that that likely is what would be the best for her right now. I remember being a single mom and like you said - the mail was usually bills and bad news - but there were times I had a sweet card from one of my cousins or aunts, and sometimes they included a $20 or a gift card - and more than once I cried right there in our apartment mail room. I don't feel like S has anyone that would do something like that for her and it was such a blessing to me - I want her to have that. |
|
|
|
Post by Anne-Marie on Apr 7, 2016 22:36:09 GMT
Thank you all so much! I've written an encouraging note to her today and will mail it tomorrow after I pick up a gift card to go with it. I am going to make a point to do something for her every other week and sometimes it may just be a note, but it will be heartfelt. DH heard from her today and she wants to get some furniture out of our storage room this weekend and I hope to take them out to lunch while they are in our area.
|
|
|
|
Post by ktdoesntscrap on Apr 8, 2016 0:36:14 GMT
I think a target gift card, or a grocery store card with a note to get a treat for the family.
Also I might offer to babysit.... just you... not your kids... so you can get to know the kids and her separately.
|
|
|
|
Post by scrappykimba on Apr 8, 2016 6:59:02 GMT
Definitely happy mail- gift cards are nice but so is a card just to say that you are thinking of someone etc. Babysitting here and there if possible is also really lovely- does not cost a thing apart from time  I think what you are doing is lovely x |
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 6, 2024 6:42:14 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2016 12:39:06 GMT
Lots of good ideas here and good on you for wanting to help her! I hope you will be able to form a good relationship with her. She really needs someone like you to encourage and help her. Others have already said this, but it will be very difficult for her to repay the loan on a CNA salary.
|
|
Peamac
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea # 418
Posts: 4,218
|
Post by Peamac on Apr 8, 2016 13:08:41 GMT
Offer to watch the kids for her so she has some down time to herself. Especially important since she's working while in school.
See if there's anything she needs like oil changed in her car (and give the car back to her washed and filled with gas), something repaired in her home, etc.
Can you make a meal for her so she doesn't have to cook dinner one night a week? An extra casserole for her freezer?
(And definitely buy groceries/gas/diapers or store gift card rather than just handing money over.)
|
|
|
|
Post by not2peased on Apr 10, 2016 0:17:16 GMT
I think it's incredibly sweet that you want todo this for her
|
|
|
|
Post by fkawitchypea on Apr 10, 2016 1:17:42 GMT
I am a single parent, although I have a huge support system. Back when my ds was small and I was struggling, something like a Target gift card let me get my essentials but add some things for myself without guilt. Restaurant gift cards were also great because I couldn't afford to eat out on my own.
|
|
I think what you are doing is lovely x
