momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,151
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Apr 12, 2016 12:52:11 GMT
I'm pretty sure i'm a doormat and when I think of confronting certain things it feels like i'm being a bitch!
My mother had always said growing up that I was "easygoing". I feel that is pretty true, i'm a go with the flow, don't mind helping out type of person. But i'm afraid that has translated into anytime I actually say hey wait or minute or put my foot down that people act like i'm the jerk!
So this just happened.... My mother was over and said to not-so-dh - oh did you buy your wife flowers to get on her good side? He says he didn't buy them and she follows up with something along the lines of "or does she have a good side?" (editing to add i'm sure she meant it as a joke, but....) Backstory to it is she absolutely knows I buy flowers at the grocery store all the time because she's seem them there before. She's mentioned that dh isn't always nice to me (in that he starts crap.) So why in the world would she say something about me having a good side?
So I was thinking I should probably say something to her?? Making a statement about it seems off....I know she knows I buy them so I could state something about her knowing it. Or I could pose it as a question and ask why she asked when she knows. But either way I feel like I sound like a bitch.
So would you say something? And what might you say? Then I feel like i'm being a baby about being annoyed, but there are other times similar things are happening. So then I think DOORMAT!
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gloryjoy
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,332 
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Post by gloryjoy on Apr 12, 2016 12:55:19 GMT
I can't get past the fact that your mother said that about you! I'm so sorry.
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,761
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on Apr 12, 2016 12:58:55 GMT
Oh, I think I could write this post!!
I would not say something now, the moment has passed. But, next time you could bet I would say something. I am a smart ass on top of being easy going. When I feel I have been wronged, I come back with a smart ass reply that is really telling you how I am feeling, but comes off as funny.
When I am in the moment and mad and could really give them a what for, I feel guilty. I feel like a bitch. It's a hard line to figure out the best way to handle it, so I always try to go with humor instead of anger (not always easy to do). I have learned to walk away, too. I never used to do that. Now I can just take a step back, look at the big picture and figure out what is really worth it.
Good luck! You are NOT a doormat! We have feelings!! DAMMIT!
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Apr 12, 2016 13:02:25 GMT
First, tell her right in the moment that she is out of line and that her comments are ridiculous. Don't let her get away with it.
Second, if she continues her comments, ask her to leave your home. It is your home and you should not be subject to insults and degradation. And as a result, see her and talk to her a lot less. She doesn't deserve to be inside your home or inside your head if she's going to be that rude.
Third, why the hell doesn't your husband stand up for you?
You're not a bitch when you stand up for yourself. Being a doormat gets you nothing but disappointment and resentment. It is not healthy to be a doormat. It is healthy to be a little bit of a bitch... at least enough to stand up for yourself.
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MorningPerson
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,506
Location: Central Pennsylvania
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Post by MorningPerson on Apr 12, 2016 13:54:53 GMT
I'm pretty sure i'm a doormat and when I think of confronting certain things it feels like i'm being a bitch! My mother had always said growing up that I was "easygoing". I feel that is pretty true, i'm a go with the flow, don't mind helping out type of person. But i'm afraid that has translated into anytime I actually say hey wait or minute or put my foot down that people act like i'm the jerk! So this just happened.... My mother was over and said to not-so-dh - oh did you buy your wife flowers to get on her good side? He says he didn't buy them and she follows up with something along the lines of "or does she have a good side?" Backstory to it is she absolutely knows I buy flowers at the grocery store all the time because she's seem them there before. She's mentioned that dh isn't always nice to me (in that he starts crap.) So why in the world would she say something about me having a good side? So I was thinking I should probably say something to her?? Making a statement about it seems off....I know she knows I buy them so I could state something about her knowing it. Or I could pose it as a question and ask why she asked when she knows. But either way I feel like I sound like a bitch. So would you say something? And what might you say? Then I feel like i'm being a baby about being annoyed, but there are other times similar things are happening. So then I think DOORMAT! Without knowing any of the ongoing dynamics between you and your mother, and your mother and your husband, I couldn't help but notice you called your husband not-so-dh. Totally making a leap here, but just giving the scenario that popped in my mind; if your marriage isn't great, and your mom is aware, might she have been trying to make a (poorly-executed) attempt to draw your husband into giving you a compliment, like maybe she was fishing for him to say "she's got a great side." |
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Post by disneypal on Apr 12, 2016 14:24:54 GMT
I don't think you should say anything to her - not to sound bad, but what would be the point, it won't stop her from making comments like that - she'll continue to do so.
I find the best response is no response because she may be trying to get a reaction from you.
And FWIW, I don't think you are being a doormat but letting it go. I think you are being the mature one. |
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
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Post by luvnlifelady on Apr 12, 2016 14:27:35 GMT
I understand your frustration. What she said was under-handed. I'm like that too. For too many years I've done too much for others. Now when I ask for a bit of help or call someone out on their selfish behavior, I'm the bitch. I am so over it! I'm sorry your own mom did that.
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Post by peasapie on Apr 12, 2016 14:28:27 GMT
It does sound like a fishing expedition on your mom's part. I'm not sure if she was trying to get him to give you a compliment or to see if he was going to say something negative. Either way, what she said was unfortunate.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,151
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Apr 12, 2016 14:46:31 GMT
I understand your frustration. What she said was under-handed. I'm like that too. For too many years I've done too much for others. Now when I ask for a bit of help or call someone out on their selfish behavior, I'm the bitch. I am so over it! I'm sorry your own mom did that. I think that kind of sums it up, if you keep quiet and do for others all is well. If you speak up, you get the you're a bitch type response! At least that is how i'm feeling. Total other story, but I never feel free to comment on Mom/Sisters choices, not my place, but recently they both commented on a situation with one of my kids and how they would have done things. And I know for a fact, had I said the same to my sister, we wouldn't be speaking. I'm starting to feel like the only way to get along with some people is to be a doormat, shutting your mouth and saying nothing! It does sound like a fishing expedition on your mom's part. I'm not sure if she was trying to get him to give you a compliment or to see if he was going to say something negative. Either way, what she said was unfortunate. I suppose it's possible that she was doing this, i'm not sure. |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 7, 2024 12:07:22 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2016 14:51:55 GMT
I sort of got that feeling too, that your mom was trying to get your husband to say something nice about you. She went about it poorly, but unless she has a habit of putting you down, jokingly or not, she may have been trying to make your hubby feel bad about 1. not giving you flowers, and 2. not complimenting you enough.
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Post by krazykatlady on Apr 12, 2016 15:16:29 GMT
I see nothing wrong with you saying something like "mom it really hurt my feelings when you said blahblahblah ... " and then see what she says. It doesn't make you sound like a bitch or a baby. Hopefully it will lead to a conversation. If she was trying to help she needs to know there could be a better way. And, if she was being bitchy herself she needs to know it's not appreciated.
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Post by elaine on Apr 12, 2016 15:32:14 GMT
I sort of got that feeling too, that your mom was trying to get your husband to say something nice about you. She went about it poorly, but unless she has a habit of putting you down, jokingly or not, she may have been trying to make your hubby feel bad about 1. not giving you flowers, and 2. not complimenting you enough. That is how I read it. My mom might say something like that because she wanted to get across the message that she thought my husband SHOULD be buying me flowers. I totally assumed it was a slam at your husband and couldn't figure out why you were mad since you apparently aren't overjoyed with him right now. |
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Post by femalebusiness on Apr 12, 2016 15:33:22 GMT
Maybe your mom just made a bad joke and it wasn't intentional. On the other hand if that is something that she does often, the next time I'd make her wish she'd kept her mouth shut. Be a bitch. It is so much fun when someone deserves it.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Apr 12, 2016 15:35:51 GMT
I see nothing wrong with you saying something like "mom it really hurt my feelings when you said blahblahblah ... " and then see what she says. It doesn't make you sound like a bitch or a baby. Hopefully it will lead to a conversation. If she was trying to help she needs to know there could be a better way. And, if she was being bitchy herself she needs to know it's not appreciated. I think this is the way I would handle it. I do not think I would just let it go. Maybe your mom doesn't realize how you internalized her comment. I would think about whether this is typical behavior for her. If it's not, then I would simply ask her what she was thinking when she said it. I prefer to believe most of the time that the people we love are not out to hurt us and that most of these things are simply misunderstandings. |
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
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Post by luvnlifelady on Apr 12, 2016 15:45:15 GMT
I understand your frustration. What she said was under-handed. I'm like that too. For too many years I've done too much for others. Now when I ask for a bit of help or call someone out on their selfish behavior, I'm the bitch. I am so over it! I'm sorry your own mom did that. I think that kind of sums it up, if you keep quiet and do for others all is well. If you speak up, you get the you're a bitch type response! At least that is how i'm feeling. Total other story, but I never feel free to comment on Mom/Sisters choices, not my place, but recently they both commented on a situation with one of my kids and how they would have done things. And I know for a fact, had I said the same to my sister, we wouldn't be speaking. I'm starting to feel like the only way to get along with some people is to be a doormat, shutting your mouth and saying nothing! It does sound like a fishing expedition on your mom's part. I'm not sure if she was trying to get him to give you a compliment or to see if he was going to say something negative. Either way, what she said was unfortunate. I suppose it's possible that she was doing this, i'm not sure. Oh yes, don't you love it when others want to comment on stuff going on in your life like they're the freakin' expert on the subject? My sister lives with me (no kids) and recently found out my daughter is returning home permanently from college (going locally instead). She said, "Can I give you some advice about that?" I said no and she did anyway. WTH does she know about raising teeangers? SMH! |
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