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Post by **Angie** on Apr 25, 2016 20:58:27 GMT
I haven't talked to my father for almost ten years. I have no desire to and he knows that. He has been told to never try and contact me or my ds.
He asked my mom (through a relative) if he could send her some pictures that I might like. I had no idea until this weekend when she gave me the pictures.
On the back of one picture, he wrote the date and that he was so sorry about that day and asked forgiveness. I was 7 or 8 then and have no idea what he is referring to.
My wedding invitation was also in the package. On it, he wrote "until that day, I could have changed things" and something about giving up on that day. Again, no clue.
Here's the thing: I have no desire to find out what he meant. No desire to keep either of those items. I tossed them both.
My mom kept trying to come up with reasons why he sent those things. She divorced him when I was a few years old, she was there when the daughter of her best friend accused him of filming her in the shower, and knew that the daughter of his second wife went through years of therapy because of his actions towards the girl. She was questioned by CPS as to whether he was fit to have young children in his care. She was there when I found out he told his co-workers that ds and I had died in a car crash. She's said for many years that she hated him for what he did, for the way he behaved.
But this weekend, she sat here and actually told me I should contact him, that maybe he's trying to reach out. And she wouldn't let up until I said that I never wanted to hear anything from him or about him until he's dead. And that the only emotion I will feel is relief that he can't hurt anyone else and use his charm to get out of it again.
Am I wrong? Is she? I don't even think about him until the beginning of each school year or extracurricular activity when I have to put his information on the "do not allow any contact" special notes section. I actually worry that she may have some dementia because she seemed to have completely forgotten many of the things he has done and I worry that if she does have dementia, she might set up a meeting between my father and my son without telling me.
She made numerous comments about how, when I'm older, I might like to know why my father is the way he is. My response was always "why?". I truly don't care what excuse he would offer for doing the things he did.
*sigh* Glad to get that off my brain. Now, I just need to figure out what to do, if anything, about her possible memory lapses...
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trollie
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Post by trollie on Apr 25, 2016 21:02:34 GMT
If you don't want to contact him, then don't contact him.
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luvnlifelady
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Post by luvnlifelady on Apr 25, 2016 21:06:32 GMT
You are not wrong. I feel the same way about my brother. I do not want to even hear about him. My mom screens most of her calls and has his voice on her answering machine. Even that seems annoying to me but I deal with it to get in contact with her. I haven't spoken to him in 10 years and have no plans to ever again.
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Post by deekaye on Apr 25, 2016 21:09:43 GMT
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. As to your question of who is wrong? I absolutely don't think you are. You have good, valid reasons for not wanting to have contact with him. She is wrong for pushing the issue after you told her now.
However, I know from experience that sometimes people get near the end of their life and start regretting what "could have been" or regret what "never was". Does that make sense? My grandmother was awful to my mom growing up and I watched my mom bend over backwards trying to have a relationship. Even in my mom's 70's, she still tried to be that perfect little girl, right up to my grandmother's last day. She so regretted what "could have been" and what "never was".
I know this isn't exactly the same thing but maybe your mom is feeling that same way?
As for a secret meeting between your father and your son... is your son old enough to have a sit-down with you to explain why he must never let that happen?
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Post by gar on Apr 25, 2016 21:29:04 GMT
You are not wrong. I would suspect that your Mum has issues, unresolved inner conflict, that she's trying (in the wrong way) to resolve. But it's about her, not you.
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AnotherPea
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Post by AnotherPea on Apr 25, 2016 22:07:28 GMT
Of course I don't know the whole story, heck you don't either! But just based on what you've said I can't imagine giving the man another thought. Your mom is probably curious and maybe a bit worried that something missed her attention with you. Don't stress it. She can contact him if she wants.
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Post by hop2 on Apr 25, 2016 22:33:07 GMT
Some people have family estrangement sand they do have regrets later.
However, in your case, if he's done even half of what you said, then why would you contact him? What benefit could there be?
I mean even if his issues were caused by a hereditary mental/medical issue, you seem to know enough to get help for any descendant who should need it. I'm not saying it is though, just that if it were you already know enough if that were something you had to deal with. So what benefit would YOU get out of it?
Personally I couldn't allow contact with a person like that for my children, none, for their safety.
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Post by ladytrisha on Apr 25, 2016 23:05:23 GMT
We have estrangement in our family. It's interesting because one person received an full apology and definitely forgave actions that happened over 35 years ago; the other just refuses and continues to hate and claims "people don't change". However, people DO change if they really want to, and if they get help.
The one who forgave is gentler and kinder and has full family experiences. The other tends to create drama and stir the pot every few years and reopens wounds because she happens to be in the same state. She does all the "show" things - but continues to rage. Our family events continue without the drama person and we all have learned that people change and grow and never stay the same.
My MIL definitely poisoned the relationship between her ex and his kids (my hubby and his brother). Horribly so. And it wrecked not only their relationship with him, but also, years and years later, as they found out more, they have little room for her and what she took away from them. They realized, as adults, it was up to them to make their own judgment and decisions with regard to their father. When she didn't like him coming to their weddings, she created a firestorm - and looking back, talking with family, and the nasty behaviors thru the years, we all learned that yes, their father was flawed but it wasn't just directed to them. He had issues, but wasn't evil - she never got over his affair and that he wanted to see his sons - and she denied him. Both guys were able to put that all to rest when they went back for their father's funeral. To this day though, my hubby wonders what could have been if their mother hadn't created so much poison between them.
Perhaps your Mom is realizing that if you had all the information, then YOU could make your adult decision with regard to your father? Time can heal - if we let it.
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Deleted
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May 18, 2024 20:07:30 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2016 23:14:21 GMT
I validate everything you're thinking and feeling about this situation. I 100% agree with what you told your mother. You may have to say it a few more times, so don't let her convince you otherwise (which I don't think you will).
I also cut off contact from my father, 20 years ago now. I've never looked back or regretted the decision. I didn't have a mom telling me I might do otherwise though. He was an awful, cruel, abusive (emotionally and sexually) creature. When my daughter was just shy of two, he reached out for the first time since my marriage (just shy of 4 years before that). I had the courage to tell him to NEVER call again and to NEVER show up at our house (he knew where we lived because he was at our wedding and our house sits between the church and my in-laws house where the reception was held). I warned him that my husband knew EVERYTHING that he did to me and my sisters during our childhood and beyond. And my husband would not be afraid to beat the snot out of him to protect OUR daughter if he dared to show up.
So, I get why you have done what you've done.
I ultimately cut off contact with my mother too, 10 years ago. It's not as clear cut with her, but when I realized her behaviors, which I could see through adult eyes by then, could damage MY kids, I no longer could allow contact to keep them safe from her.
{{{{ hugs }}}}
He's simply being manipulative. It's what they do.
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Post by verdepea on Apr 25, 2016 23:38:29 GMT
Action not words. He hasn't done anything to show his behavior has changed. He sends you a few pictures through a relative. No direct contact, no remorse. He is fishing, don't take the bait. You deserve more than that.
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Post by hennybutton on Apr 26, 2016 0:21:09 GMT
I'm going to play devil's advocate here. Is it at all possible your mom lied to you about your father's behavior and is feeling guilty about it? Everything you know seems to have come from your mom. I don't know how you found out about him telling his coworkers you and your son were dead, but I can see someone finding it easier to say that than to talk about being estranged and being bombarded with questions.
I guess what I'm saying is that you probably should have a conversation with your mother and flat-out ask her why she's pushing this. And, it probably wouldn't be a terrible idea to talk to your father as well.
When my daughter was growing up, I was very careful not to bad-mouth the ex in front of her. She came to the realization of how he was from her own experience, not because of anything I told her. How old were you when your mother told you these things about your father? If you were a child or teen, you probably should be asking questions.
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Post by **Angie** on Apr 26, 2016 1:05:22 GMT
If you don't want to contact him, then don't contact him. Oh, I won't. Life is too short to focus on him. Give me a week and I'll be back to having forgotten about him.  |
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Post by **Angie** on Apr 26, 2016 1:19:29 GMT
As for a secret meeting between your father and your son... is your son old enough to have a sit-down with you to explain why he must never let that happen? Ds is now 13. He's asked two or three times in the past ten years. The last time was about a year ago and I explained that my father had hurt children he was supposed to protect. I figure the next time ds asks, I'll explain a bit more. I have told him that my father isn't a safe person to be around and to go to someone ds knows and trusts if a strange man walks up to him. He rarely is alone with her in public, we usually go to each other's house, and ds knows that it is perfectly appropriate to go to the bathroom and call us (he has his own cell) if he is uncomfortable or unhappy in a situation. |
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Post by **Angie** on Apr 26, 2016 1:27:17 GMT
Perhaps your Mom is realizing that if you had all the information, then YOU could make your adult decision with regard to your father? Time can heal - if we let it. I made my decision to have nothing to do with him when I was 33. For years before, I was uncomfortable being around him (I didn't know any of the more serious things he had been accused of) but he was so very good at playing the "pity me, other people are jealous of me so they say things" card for anything that didn't go his way. He was so misunderstood and I was wrong to be uncomfortable around him. It took me a while to realize he was playing me, too. It doesn't matter to me what occurred in his life that may have influenced the things that he has done (and I do believe he did those things). There are lines that you just don't cross, no matter how you were treated. |
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Post by **Angie** on Apr 26, 2016 1:40:54 GMT
I'm going to play devil's advocate here. Is it at all possible your mom lied to you about your father's behavior and is feeling guilty about it? Everything you know seems to have come from your mom. I don't know how you found out about him telling his coworkers you and your son were dead, but I can see someone finding it easier to say that than to talk about being estranged and being bombarded with questions. I guess what I'm saying is that you probably should have a conversation with your mother and flat-out ask her why she's pushing this. And, it probably wouldn't be a terrible idea to talk to your father as well. When my daughter was growing up, I was very careful not to bad-mouth the ex in front of her. She came to the realization of how he was from her own experience, not because of anything I told her. How old were you when your mother told you these things about your father? If you were a child or teen, you probably should be asking questions. There hasn't been anything I was told about him that wasn't corroborated by another person. He would send these emails to a friend and the friend would forward them to me without telling my father. Actually, there was one thing but I took it with a grain of salt. My mom never really said anything bad about him growing up. She always insisted I go for weekend visits until I told her I was never going back because he was leaving me with someone else all weekend. I think I was 13 or 14? I don't remember her starting to be anything other than tolerant towards him until I graduated from college, which was when all of the accusations came out. |
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Post by **Angie** on Apr 26, 2016 1:48:21 GMT
Thanks, everyone, for your responses and questions, and your stories.
It is helping me feel quite content with my decision to get rid of the crap he wrote and go back to where the most angst I have is over "normal" 13 year old issues.
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