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Post by jenjie on May 2, 2016 2:59:09 GMT
The church wants to hang a plaque with Fred's picture. They do it for certain people who died who have made a difference. Finding a good picture is difficult. Finding a really good picture is practically impossible. He rarely smiled for posed pictures. There are a few, like my siggy picture, where he is smiling but it's always in a group picture and it's cropped so much it's too grainy to look good. Or it's a pic of the two of us and our heads are too close together or at a weird angle because we're leaning into each other. Every one I think will work, "there's a better picture". No there's not. There is another good one but he is looking off into the distance and wearing sunglasses so that won't work either. The ones that show his personality are where he is goofing with the kids or something. It's not like I can call him back for one more picture.
I'm tired and frustrated and I don't feel good. And I have to go to a memorial dinner tomorrow night. The county is holding a dinner honoring all law enforcement who died last year. This is not going to be a celebration but a sad sad night. My new friend, Fred's coworker is coming with me because their boss thinks she needs a night out. I told her this is not a fun night out! I can ask bil to go, he is retired from the department. But no she's going for my sake.
And in two weeks we are holding our pine car derby, which is now named in Fred's honor. This was his baby, he started it from the ground up and turned it into something special. Our kids will get to choose their favorite design and award the Founder's Award, which is a nice gesture. Yesterday they had the wood workshop, where kids can bring their cars for someone to cut them. As my kids' cars were being cut, somebody that doesn't know them told them, "working on the cars is the best part". I had to walk away. I started crying. This was what they did together with Dad every year. It was a bonding experience as they would plan and plot and work on their cars together. This is going to be hard.
I have stuff going on with ds11, I'm learning I can take care of it myself. But I don't want to have to. I want my husband here for it. DD is getting her learner's permit. Our friend is going to take her driving instead of her dad.
I don't feel like vacationing this year but ds17 will be graduating next year and everyone will begin going their separate ways. Today I made reservations for a rental in Ocean City NJ the same week sil's family is going. We aren't staying at the same place so there will be time we can spend with them and time just by ourselves. I'm also taking dd16 and ds11 back to the Christian resort center we went to last summer. DS17 doesn't want to go but is fine if we go without him.
I'm seeing a counselor who has been great. I learn something or am reminded of something I should know every time I go. My doctor increased my Lexapro rx to 20 mg because I've noticed depression kicking in. I said on someone else's thread, it's like I woke up and found myself in a pit wondering how I got here and how I'm going to get out. Which is an improvement over last week, when I didn't care if I was in a pit.
Deep breath. Whine over. Thanks for listening. And take pictures. Plenty of smiling pictures.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428 
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Post by luvnlifelady on May 2, 2016 3:04:03 GMT
Aww thanks for that reminder. (HUGS). Hang in there and let yourself be sad for a time if it helps. I've let my picture be taken more recently because of situations like this.
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Post by scrapmaven on May 2, 2016 3:11:25 GMT
Grief grabs hold and then lets go on it's own sucky schedule. You're smack in the middle of it and these lovely tributes to Fred are also bitter reminders that Fred has passed away. It's OKAY to feel angry and even resentful. Your feelings are coming out and depression makes sense. It's so good that you're in therapy and doing Lexapro. Better living through chemistry! Feel good about the work you're doing and keep sharing your feelings, because you're moving fwd and will find a new normal. ((((HUGS)))).
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Post by mom on May 2, 2016 3:45:53 GMT
Hugs. I know things are hard right now, but I can see you making progress through the grief process. Hang in there, Mama.
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Post by chaosisapony on May 2, 2016 3:52:07 GMT
That's so nice that Fred is being honored in so many different ways.  You make a very good point regarding photos. For a long time I worked at a local photo lab and a huge part of our business was doing photos for funerals and memorial services. There were so many, very loved, people that simply did not have a good photo that the family could enlarge for the service. Our business did a lot of Photoshopping, removing other people from photos, changing the backgrounds, etc to get the families a photo for the service they would be happy with. It was the hardest part of my job because I saw so many people going through awful heartache but each and every one of them left with a photo they were happy with which was rewarding in it's own way. It sure would have saved those families a lot of time, money, and stress though had people taken a good picture to start with! |
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Post by destined2bmom on May 2, 2016 3:57:07 GMT
Hugs! Be gentle with yourself. I cannot imagine the heartache. Maybe you could ask family members to go through their pictures to see if they have any good ones that they can show you for approval?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 29, 2024 13:23:44 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 2, 2016 5:42:16 GMT
It's the little things that become tidal waves to swamp you. You know, the world wouldn't fall apart if you couldn't attend some of these events, being "under the weather."
Take life in small bites right now. We love you.
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Jili
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SLPea
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Jun 26, 2014 1:26:48 GMT
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Post by Jili on May 2, 2016 5:48:04 GMT
You are completely entitled to your pity party. I don't even know you, jenjie, but I really like and admire you and I want you to feel better. I agree with the previous poster-- take life in small bites, and don't expect too much from yourself right now. Many hugs.
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Post by Dori~Mama~Bear on May 2, 2016 5:51:31 GMT
hugs
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Post by yivit on May 2, 2016 6:02:44 GMT
I hear you on this one. When Jim died, there were NO decent recent photos. He hated having his picture taken (he got that from his mom - and we had gone through the lack of photos with her the previous year). So what did I do about it? I used a caricature for all the obituaries and things. It was one he had done of himself, and he was an artist - it made perfect sense. Even though I didn't give a rat's ass if anyone had a problem with it (because the kids and I didn't), I was pleasantly surprised when so many people came up to me that I didn't know or hadn't seen in years and said it was the perfect picture to use for him.
Hugs...
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M in Carolina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,128
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Post by M in Carolina on May 2, 2016 6:24:46 GMT
(((Jen)))
Is the church telling you that the photos that you're offering aren't good enough? Or are you deciding they aren't right? Cause if it's the church, I'd tell them where they can go and what they can do when they get there (jump in a lake and get stuck in the mud)... the nerve! You could just dump all the photos in their laps and let them deal with it.
My dad was like your dh. He was very casual and always moving and there weren't any portrait like photos. My stepmom used one that I took of him when I visited. He was leaning up against his truck, smiling, with his hat and sunglasses like always. We used it for his obituary and for the wake--everyone loved it.
I really think that portrait photos don't give a great likeness of a person--they don't smile, there's no soul in them.
I understand about waking up inside the pit. Sometimes you don't feel yourself descending--you just fall and wake up on the bottom.
Just remember that you're not alone. Jesus has you tucked safely under his wing on his back like a little duck or gosling. Take care of yourself. If something is too much, then don't feel like you have to do it.
It took me a good year before I could look at my dad's photos. I still don't have any displayed around my house. We have been scanning photos into our computer, and I've enjoyed looking at them.
If dealing with your dh's photo at church is too much, then there's nothing wrong with being honest about that. There shouldn't be a time table about that which causes a widow's grief to be worsened. The church might need to be made aware of that. --If you were my church friend, I'd convey that to them.
I hope that you have a good vacation at the beach. I think it will be nice for you to get away. The beach always makes me feel better. (The ions in the salt air are actually great for depression--as is the sun)
Hang in there! You're loved. I'll be praying for you.
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Post by Delta Dawn on May 2, 2016 6:25:42 GMT
 Jen, I am going to state the obvious for a second here. You husband left earth for a greater Kingdom and somehow you are left with all the pieces. You shared a lifetime of memories with Fred. I would feel very deserted and angry and sad if this had happened to me. I think based on the way you are writing is what I have been told is normal. Like the setting on the washing machine. You just cycle through the various settings of grief and one day it becomes acceptance. I wish it were easier for you and if I could share the burden with you I would. I have started to cry writing this because I feel sad. The Fallen Hero's dinner sounds scary. BUT I am going to think they put a ton of thought and consideration into the dinner. They will hire a top notch caterer and they will hold this event very sensitively to protect and love all the spouses and significant others of fallen officers. They want to show you how these people all made a difference in everyone's lives. I can't write anymore. I am sobbing for you, but this hurts me, too. |
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purplebee
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,754
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Post by purplebee on May 2, 2016 10:58:05 GMT
Jenjie, prayers and hugs for you, and for you too, Elannah.
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Post by Linda on May 2, 2016 11:03:35 GMT
(((((Hugs)))) and prayers
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Post by mlynn on May 2, 2016 11:27:00 GMT
Jenjie,
Would the police department have a portrait? Or does you church have a directory photographer that you could get a portrait from?
Mary
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raindancer
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Posts: 3,095
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Post by raindancer on May 2, 2016 11:28:08 GMT
That is just so much all at once. I'm so sorry.
When my MIL passed away we struggled because she refused to take pictures. We have just a few and most were not just her and almost no smiles. Trying to figure out photos to display was tough.
Hugs to you. It can't be easy. <3
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Post by elaine on May 2, 2016 12:05:10 GMT
(((Hugs))). I'm reading and I care. I wish that there was someway else to make your journey easier - you deserve it.
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msliz
Drama Llama
The Procrastinator
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Jun 26, 2014 21:32:34 GMT
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Post by msliz on May 2, 2016 12:08:54 GMT
((( hugs )))
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tincin
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Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on May 2, 2016 12:12:37 GMT
I'm sorry. Life is so hard sometimes and I'm certain you try to suck it up for the kids but sometimes you just can't. That's okay. Take it a day at a time and remember to look around and enjoy little things like the spring plants pushing through. I'll be thinking of you.
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Post by leslie132 on May 2, 2016 12:28:24 GMT
Hugs..... I hope you find the perfect picture. I'm sure these next few weeks will be tough. Just know you have an angel walking with you through those days!!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 29, 2024 13:23:44 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 2, 2016 12:37:45 GMT
Oh, Jen. I'm so sorry this is all hitting you at once. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other like you've been doing. The healing process is so slow sometimes. But you will make it.
Lifting you up, my friend.
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anniebeth24
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by anniebeth24 on May 2, 2016 12:45:19 GMT
So sorry. I think the world gives us an expectation that "things will get easier" but there's lots of things that just don't. Hugs and prayers for you and your kids.
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Gravity
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Jun 27, 2014 0:29:55 GMT
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Post by Gravity on May 2, 2016 13:02:52 GMT
((Hugs)) Can you tell the church that you appreciate their wanting to honor Fred, but finding an appropriate photo is too hard for you at the moment? The same goes for anyone else wanting to honor him. They may want to honor Fred now, but if it causes unnecessary stress or heartache for your or your children, this may not be the right time.
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
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Posts: 7,880
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on May 2, 2016 13:39:48 GMT
I have to send my hugs to you, too.
I try to remember that I may not like the way I look in pictures, but my family does. So, I have been trying to do more pictures.
After my mom died, it was the same thing. She hated getting her pictures taken, but that is how we see her. It's not how we see ourselves.
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Post by anxiousmom on May 2, 2016 14:05:55 GMT
. I have stuff going on with ds11, I'm learning I can take care of it myself. But I don't want to have to. I want my husband here for it. DD is getting her learner's permit. Our friend is going to take her driving instead of her dad. This is totally a different situation, but maybe it will help some. I have been divorced from my kid's dad for what feels like forever. The boys were really young and over the years my ex and have ups and downs as he has some serious issues with alcohol. What that sometimes translated to was that I had learn to do a lot of things that most people would think falls under the purview of a dad to teach. I remember one particular moment-my son was going to an event that required a tie. He was around 11, and I was beyond clueless. I went to the mall to a men's store to see if one of the employees could help and when someone asked if I needed help I started absolutely sobbing. The poor guy was pretty young and stunned and had that deer in the headlights look. One of the other employees, an older man came over and asked if there was something he could help with. Once I settled down, the gentleman told me it was SO common for moms to come in and ask for help-he even had a pre-printed diagram that walked you through the steps of tie tying. He also told me that he had learned to tie his ties from his mom-a single mom who stepped up and taught him how to be a good man. The reason for the sobbing? I was heartbroken, absolutely heartbroken in thinking that my child, my precious baby child, was going to miss out on going through those rituals that I always subscribed to being father/son moments. That he was somehow going to be at a disadvantage that he missed out. But after an incredibly sweet conversation with an older gentleman who talked about all the amazing things he learned from his mother, I realized that it isn't a time of missing out, but rather a different opportunity. It isn't right or wrong, just different. I mess up all the time, and I definitely am WAYYYY out of my comfort zone sometimes, but it does work out. You can do this. You can teach a boy to tie a tie. You can teach them how to throw a football, to be a part of a team, to be a man. You can also teach them how to be respectful, to be compassionate, to make a complete meal from start to finish, to be a good parent. Give your self time. It will come, and you will find that you will be brilliant at it. Give yourself a break to mess up, to be human, to be sad (or even mad) ...and then realize that what your children will remember isn't always the specific moments, but rather the over all feelings of love and acceptance that surround them. Know that the kids will see you trying and love you all the more for it. |
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pridemom
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Post by pridemom on May 2, 2016 14:49:29 GMT
Hugs. My friend Amy lost her husband when her boys were in middle and high school. She says the first year is the hardest. I see that you are working hard to do right by your kids.
Keep taking care of yourself, too. And give yourself and kids lots of grace. It sucks. My father died when I was small. Even though we were estranged, it was very hard for me.
I often wonder why some people use photos that are 20, 30, or 40 years old for obits and such. It's a good reminder to let our photos be taken and to smile!
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melissa
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,912
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Post by melissa on May 2, 2016 15:00:31 GMT
THis is such a common issue and it is why you sometimes see very old photos in obituaries such as high school graduation photos for an 85 yr old.
Is there not a photo from your wedding? I'm sure we can also find someone who PS skills who can help fix one of the previously rejected photos. Refupeas have mad skills!
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
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Post by freebird on May 2, 2016 15:02:23 GMT
jenjie if you have a photo you think is good but other people are in it, send it over to me and maybe I can photoshop it to make it look like just himself.
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Deleted
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Jun 29, 2024 13:23:44 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 2, 2016 15:07:11 GMT
I'm so sorry, my heart hurts for you.
Something that occured to me last week when my husband was here is we don't have any photos of us together except one which is a tiny Instax snap. I'm always the one taking pictures and I hate being on the other side of the camera. I have to get over that.
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Post by mikklynn on May 2, 2016 15:14:34 GMT
Oh boy, you have a lot of stuff going on. Give yourself a break. Literally. Take a break. Then choose a photo that is good enough and let it go. Unless of course freebird can work her magic I'll be thinking of you, as always. |
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Southern Side eyed Pea 
