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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on May 15, 2016 13:32:36 GMT
Is there a good sell-on trade? Sell-on trade? Like buying it used from others? Nope. We have to pay the school the class dues, and they order the cap & gowns for the students. No way to get around the cost, I'm afraid.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 23:34:51 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2016 13:40:26 GMT
Making a big deal of this will not help anyone and most likely effect relationships negatively within the family.
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Post by gar on May 15, 2016 13:57:36 GMT
Is there a good sell-on trade? Sell-on trade? Like buying it used from others? Nope. We have to pay the school the class dues, and they order the cap & gowns for the students. No way to get around the cost, I'm afraid. That's awful - they've got you over a barrel!
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Post by boatymcboatface on May 15, 2016 14:18:33 GMT
Once my kids are adults I can't demand what they do. But in our family HS graduation is something to be celebrated as we thinks it marks completion is a rite of passage from one time in life to the next. We go to graduations and in support of each other's accomplishments. This is important to us. If it's boring and tedious that builds character and they are expected to suck it up and live through it with a good attitude. No whining and as long as you live at home you don't have something better to do unless it is a job and you cannot get the time off and that is my approach to this. If you don't live at home I cannot tell you what you are going to do but our family culture is we support each other by showing up to things and if that makes them mad that's too bad, this is the expectation and once you are an adult on your own you can make your own choices. But while you are at home you are expected to be present for things and not be shitty.
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Post by lisacharlotte on May 15, 2016 14:35:40 GMT
I think this is making an issue out of nothing. You cannot manage your children's relationships, even with each other. I assume if the oldest was close enough to her sisters this would have been discussed and if they wanted her there they would have asked. She is choosing which family event to attend and since it sounds like she is closer in age to the cousin, choosing her wedding does not surprise me.
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Post by Jockscrap on May 15, 2016 15:25:18 GMT
You say she's attending a wedding of someone she hardly knows, but she knows them well enough to be invited to it, and it does sound a lot more fun to attend. As another Brit, high school graduation isn't a thing for us, and leaving school is not marked much at all - the kids sit their last exam and walk out the school for the final time. Uni graduation is a big deal, but tickets are limited so usually only the parents of the graduate go. If I were able to get a spare ticket for my DD's graduation, there is no way I would expect her 18 year old brother to go. What a bore! I would want him to go to the celebration meal afterwards though. At the end of the day, this is as big a deal as you choose to make it, and although the HS graduation is a big thing for your twins and you as a parent, I think you need to appreciate that it isn't for everyone.
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Post by disneypal on May 15, 2016 15:29:05 GMT
Yes, I would expect the older sister to go to her younger sisters' graduation. Graduation is a big deal to me....a step into adulthood and the next chapter of their lives - she should go.
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Post by anonrefugee on May 15, 2016 15:52:34 GMT
Three pages already! Not much I can add, except sorry you are between a rock and a hard place!
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moodyblue
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,179
Location: Western Illinois
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on May 15, 2016 16:46:32 GMT
While I generally believe that family should support family members, I'm not sure this should be such a big deal for you.
There is a large gap in age and I don't know what kind of relationship there is between your twins and their older sister. I would hope that she would try to attend any actual celebration (family dinner, party) of their graduation, but the ceremony itself isn't a make-or-break part of the deal - to me. I don't know if you have a ticket limit or not because that varies so much from school to school; for some families, that would be a factor.
I will confess to not seeing high school graduation as such a big deal. It SHOULD be something that is expected and normal for all teens to accomplish.
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ginacivey
Pearl Clutcher
refupea #2 in southeast missouri
Posts: 4,685
Jun 25, 2014 19:18:36 GMT
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Post by ginacivey on May 15, 2016 17:09:48 GMT
i was that older sister
i am 14 and 17 years older than my youngest sisters
i did not attend either of their graduations - granted i do live 500 miles away - i still never entertained the thought
i called to congratulate and sent cards with money
with that large of an age gap - the sibling relationship almost becomes more like cousins... or aunt/niece
i think it might bother you more than it bothers the girls
gina
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Post by *leslie* on May 15, 2016 17:42:39 GMT
High school graduations are not a big deal here, and we don't have a ceremony. Perhaps that colours my opinion, but I don't see it as an issue at all. What exactly happens at a graduation ceremony? I'm probably going to lose my mom card for this but they are really boring. You get there early for a decent place to sit so you're waiting an hour or more for the start of the ceremony. It takes place in a football stadium so you are sitting on concrete. Oh and depending on what side your child is on, the sun will be in your eyes for a good hour or two. You can't really see your kid unless you have a telephoto lens or binoculars because they are way down on the field. Then there's all the speeches and such and then you hear about 500 names being called. Afterwards. you and 5000 other attendees (each family gets 10 tickets), are trying to find your kid on the field so you can take photographs. We are doing this all again in about two weeks and I'm hoping it's not a really hot day.
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Post by *leslie* on May 15, 2016 17:45:32 GMT
I also agree with others that she might be going to the wedding because it's a chance to see relatives she hasn't seen in a while.
I don't see my uncles, aunts and cousins much so I really look forward to seeing them every year on Christmas Eve.
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Post by bc2ca on May 15, 2016 17:49:19 GMT
Wow LavenderLayoutLady, I can't believe you had to buy the cap & gown! gar, that is not the norm in all areas of the US. Everyone I know in WA and CA rents. They are in school colors and we filled out the rental forms early (by Jan?) so that they can be altered. My 4'11" DD would have tripped over hers walking across the stage otherwise. After a number of speeches, the students walk across the stage, shake hands with the principal and any other special guests and receive their diploma. The diploma is actually empty and after the ceremony they handed in their gowns in exchange for the real diploma. In CA there is legislation that requires students be offered a free cap & gown for use during the ceremony, although most schools do not publicize this. To the OP, I honestly can't remember attending any of my siblings graduation ceremonies and they are only 1, 2 & 4 years younger than me and we are very close. The sister one year younger was trekking through Europe when hers took place and I was most likely working when the other 2 graduated. I don't think it is fair to judge your older DD's decision to attend the wedding instead. As an adult, she gets to decide what she is doing and shouldn't have to justify her choice.
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Post by Linda on May 15, 2016 17:58:00 GMT
High school graduations are not a big deal here, and we don't have a ceremony. Perhaps that colours my opinion, but I don't see it as an issue at all. What exactly happens at a graduation ceremony? I'm probably going to lose my mom card for this but they are really boring. You get there early for a decent place to sit so you're waiting an hour or more for the start of the ceremony. It takes place in a football stadium so you are sitting on concrete. Oh and depending on what side your child is on, the sun will be in your eyes for a good hour or two. You can't really see your kid unless you have a telephoto lens or binoculars because they are way down on the field. Then there's all the speeches and such and then you hear about 500 names being called. Afterwards. you and 5000 other attendees (each family gets 10 tickets), are trying to find your kid on the field so you can take photographs. We are doing this all again in about two weeks and I'm hoping it's not a really hot day. yup -except that it RAINED for my son's and they delayed the start by nearly 2 hours waiting for the rain to start - the graduates were inside the field house but the rest of us were in the stadium trying to both stay dry and keep our seats.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 23:34:51 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2016 17:59:47 GMT
I've started to wonder if the oldest daughter has a different father from the twins. And, if the second cousin is from her father's side of the family so it is easy to down play the family ties the daughter has or wants to straighten with extended family not related to dear ol' mom.
Weddings generally have a limited guest list to people who the bride especially feels close. I think just getting an invitation speaks a lot that the relationship between cousins-- it is stronger than the op admits to it being.
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Post by myshelly on May 15, 2016 17:59:57 GMT
High school graduations are not a big deal here, and we don't have a ceremony. Perhaps that colours my opinion, but I don't see it as an issue at all. What exactly happens at a graduation ceremony? I'm probably going to lose my mom card for this but they are really boring. You get there early for a decent place to sit so you're waiting an hour or more for the start of the ceremony. It takes place in a football stadium so you are sitting on concrete. Oh and depending on what side your child is on, the sun will be in your eyes for a good hour or two. You can't really see your kid unless you have a telephoto lens or binoculars because they are way down on the field. Then there's all the speeches and such and then you hear about 500 names being called. Afterwards. you and 5000 other attendees (each family gets 10 tickets), are trying to find your kid on the field so you can take photographs. We are doing this all again in about two weeks and I'm hoping it's not a really hot day. God, that sounds horrible. Being outside is the only thing I can think of that would make high school graduation worse. Thankfully here they are inside.
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Post by crazy4scraps on May 15, 2016 19:30:34 GMT
Do any of you remember your graduation ceremonies? Mine was 20 years ago, and I still remember how boring it was. I literally had trouble staying awake! I went to maybe one of my younger siblings' ceremonies, and it was just as long and dull as I remembered. My parents didn't make me go to any more (I probably wouldn't have been able to get the time off work anyways), and my siblings really didn't care. LOL. Actually I do remember mine! And my older brother's, my younger brother's, DH's (HS and college) and his sister's (HS and college). DH's family are ALL educators, so for their family it's always been a bigger deal than most. Ha ha, I actually cried at DD's preschool "graduation" last year! I didn't care that none of my older siblings went to mine, and the only reason my younger brother went was because our mom was taking us out to dinner right afterward which was something we almost never did.
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oldcrow
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,828
Location: Ontario,Canada
Jun 26, 2014 12:25:29 GMT
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Post by oldcrow on May 15, 2016 20:13:42 GMT
I don't know the family dynamics so I'm not too sure I can offer an opinion. But questions like do they have the same father? Combined families often do not operate in the same way.
First you have an only child for 14 years and then you have twins. That alone must have had quite an impact on the only child. How did your household change after the addition of the twins?
None of my four sisters came to any of my graduations. And they are all younger than me and living at home when these took place. I did not attend theirs either. They did attend the celebrations which bothered me because I felt I was having a *grown up* type of party but my parents said they were not going to find somewhere to send them so I had to live with it.
I have been invited to my sisters' children's celebrations but did not go just sent a gift. No one complained.
All of my children came to their siblings celebrations but they all lived at home and found the idea of a party much to their liking. None of them attended the ceremony because there was not enough tickets.
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Post by peasapie on May 15, 2016 23:03:16 GMT
Well she's too old to tell her what to do.
Do your twins really care? I don't think my kids would care so much if their older sibling didn't come to their graduation. It would be nice, but I personally would not push it.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 23:34:51 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2016 23:10:52 GMT
Yes. Nearly everyone has to buy from one mega company, Jostens. As a matter of fact, this year, my son joined with some of his senior classmates to petition the school to keep a stock of gowns for future kids, instead of making everyone buy something that will just go straight to the landfill or thrift store. The school agreed that they would keep some for kids who couldn't afford the whole thing. It was a protest against the monopoly Jostens has, and the wastefulness of our culture, because if you don't match (if you buy or rent from another company), you don't get to walk. I was proud of him for that. I hope the school holds up their agreement. I don't know about the high school gowns. But we used Herff Jones and our gowns were made of recycled soda/water bottles. My cap, tassel and gown were $30 Immediately following graduation and for the next week there were bins on campus where we could recycle the gowns we used. www.herffjones.com/resource/making-a-difference-one-gown-at-a-time/So if saving gowns to be reused isn't possible due to the need to clean them and prevent passing on pests, germs etc maybe go for a recycleable one? This is another green company with recycleable gowns: usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/education/2010-05-07-green-commencement_N.htm
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Post by polz on May 15, 2016 23:12:12 GMT
High school graduation is no big deal in New Zealand. University graduation is a big deal. I would not mind if a 30 year old sibling did not go to high school graduation.
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Post by refugeepea on May 15, 2016 23:13:15 GMT
That is a racket!! We have hire companies for all that stuff and it's still not cheap but what a bitch to have to buy something you'll never use again! Is there a good sell-on trade? Not every high school! I remember renting a cap and gown. I'm quite certain it's still the same where my son attends high school. I remember standing in a long line to have my head measured for the cap and then getting in another line for the gown. I have no idea with my daughter! I kind of hope there's no graduation. It's a small school.
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~Lauren~
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,876
Jun 26, 2014 3:33:18 GMT
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Post by ~Lauren~ on May 15, 2016 23:24:30 GMT
I really don't understand the idea that some of you people have that if a life milestone is boring then it's perfectly OK to miss it. In my family life milestones have meant we are all there for the person reaching that milestone whether or not we are entertained while we are there. That means everyone in my family (siblings, parents, grandparents, aunt, uncle and first cousins) came to my college and law school graduation. I have attended every graduation of each and everyone of my nieces and nephews.
Believe me they were not fun and often it was inconvenient to get where they were graduating. But I did it as did my brothers and sister , Our kids and my mother. This is what family does for one another and the inability of people to see that you put yourself out for family and they do the same for you, even if it's boring or you rather be somewhere else, goes along way and explaining the large number of fractured family relationships I see on this board.
0P, while you cannot tell a 31-year-old that she must attend her sisters graduation, I would make very sure that she knew that the same level of consideration is going to be given to her future life milestones ( bridal shower, baby shower etc.") that she is showing to her sisters life milestones. I'd tell her that she will have to accept the fact that her closest family may not be there because they have better things to do
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Post by lucyg on May 15, 2016 23:44:03 GMT
I'm in California and DD's cap and gown was provided by the (public) school, then turned back in. I have no idea whether they reuse, toss out, or what.
My son graduated from a private school and the boys just wore suits for graduation. The girls wore pretty dresses. I graduated from the same school 28 years earlier and we wore white, but I don't remember if they were all in white at his graduation.
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Post by lucyg on May 16, 2016 0:06:54 GMT
I think a bunch of people believe the older sister is attending the cousin's wedding in place of graduation. Not so. The wedding is a different weekend. OP is just complaining that older sister is going to a lot of trouble to attend a distant cousin's wedding, but can't be troubled to attend her younger sisters' graduation. Am I right, OP?
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~Lauren~
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,876
Jun 26, 2014 3:33:18 GMT
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Post by ~Lauren~ on May 16, 2016 0:14:56 GMT
Oh, but in that case then I really think the daughter is in the wrong
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Post by myshelly on May 16, 2016 0:15:25 GMT
I really don't understand the idea that some of you people have that if a life milestone is boring then it's perfectly OK to miss it. In my family life milestones have meant we are all there for the person reaching that milestone whether or not we are entertained while we are there. That means everyone in my family (siblings, parents, grandparents, aunt, uncle and first cousins) came to my college and law school graduation. I have attended every graduation of each and everyone of my nieces and nephews. Believe me they were not fun and often it was inconvenient to get where they were graduating. But I did it as did my brothers and sister , Our kids and my mother. This is what family does for one another and the inability of people to see that you put yourself out for family and they do the same for you, even if it's boring or you rather be somewhere else, goes along way and explaining the large number of fractured family relationships I see on this board. 0P, while you cannot tell a 31-year-old that she must attend her sisters graduation, I would make very sure that she knew that the same level of consideration is going to be given to her future life milestones ( bridal shower, baby shower etc.") that she is showing to her sisters life milestones. I'd tell her that she will have to accept the fact that her closest family may not be there because they have better things to do It's not that I don't think family should be there to celebrate a life milestone. It's that I don't believe the *ceremony* is a milestone. Graduation is a milestone, but a ceremony does not have to be the way that you celebrate that milestone. Ceremonies just are not meaningful to all people. My high school, university, and law school graduation *ceremonies* were meaningless to me. What mattered to me was who came to celebrate with me in a personal way at my parties and dinners.
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Post by ntsf on May 16, 2016 3:57:04 GMT
my kids didn't attend each other's graduations and they are only two years apart.. one, the public high school had an indoor graduation at 9 am..the other two were still in school and we only got 2 tickets. the photographer blocked our view of the stage so we didn't see any of it. number two..the other two were in school..it was 10 am and I took a grandparent. again, tickets were limited to 4 and I gave away the one I didn't need. it was the least boring graduation ever. the orchestra played, kids danced, sang, did recitations.. it was an arts high school and only about 80 kids were there... one had already left for some job and came via a large photo cutout. three.. it was at a private high school--and the graduation was a formal dinner at a hotel. 15 kids graduating. it was expensive.. so only us parents went.
10 yrs later, no one feels deprived that they didn't attend their siblings' graduations.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on May 16, 2016 11:20:02 GMT
An invitation is not a summons. She is not obligated to attend any event she is invited to, and I can see the guilt that the OP wants to heap on the older sister because she's not following mommy's narrative of siblings being all up in each other's events.
Fact is, mom can't and never should control or coordinate sibling relationships. I know very well the age span between the older sister and the twins, I live it. And there is no way that I would demand that my much older sister attend the ceremony nor would my parents. Was she invited? Yes. Could she come? No. At that point as an adult she has other commitments that don't always mesh with what the family is doing. The difference is that our family doesn't work on guilting people to attend things because of faaaaaaamily. We invite people and the choice is up to them. None of this "I'm so disappointed in my children and I"m going to remember this and use it against them when they have something going on" that I've read a lot of posters mention. That's just a good way to push people away.
Maybe the sister will mark the graduation in a more personal method than attending the ceremony. It is a boring event, I've attended my share, but the memories don't come from who sat through the ceremonies but come from other gestures.
I think some people get overly worked up over graduation ceremonies.
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Deleted
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May 17, 2024 23:34:51 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2016 13:39:37 GMT
IMO, graduation ceremonies are painful and not meaningful or interesting even to the people involved. I didn't even want to attend my *own* graduation ceremony. Now, if there is a graduation party or dinner or some *family* centered event and she doesn't attend that, then I would be hurt. This...my daughter is graduating with her second master's this week...he older brother has sat through HS, college, first masters....I told him he didn't have to sit through this one....but he will be first in line at her celebration...he is proud of her and she knows it.... sitting through a boring graduation does not diminish that!
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