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Post by lovinlife on May 15, 2016 2:44:13 GMT
This is one of those post about what do the peas think...feel free to tell me I am wrong or being over sensitive. I need another way to think about this.
Do you expect your children to attend their siblings events? Here is my problem that I am upset about and probably over reacting. I have twins that are graduating high school in a few weeks. My older daughter (she is 14 years older) said she is not going to the ceremony. No interest in going feels not a big deal. I feel she should attend since it is a big deal to her sisters and me. I found out tonight that the week before the graduation she will be attending a wedding of a second cousin that she sees maybe 2 times a year if that. This wedding is 2 hours away and she even had sil take off work to attend with her. I tried explaining to her that I am hurt she won't attend the graduation for her sisters and yet she is going to a wedding of someone that she doesn't hardly know. She said I am just being drama and to let it go.
TIA
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perumbula
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,439
Location: Idaho
Jun 26, 2014 18:51:17 GMT
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Post by perumbula on May 15, 2016 2:50:03 GMT
In my house, my children do not have a choice. They will go to their brother's graduation. It's in ten days and it will be the most boring thing they do all week. I don't care. It's important. Supporting each other isn't something you do only when it sounds fun.
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Post by cindyupnorth on May 15, 2016 2:50:44 GMT
I agree with you. I think she should attend her own sister's graduation. My girls are 2 yrs apart. They have been really good about attending ea other's events. I couldn't imagine them not going to their graduation. Your dd sort of sounds like my dh's family. They make a huge deal out of doing things for relatives they have never seen. But when it comes to their direct family, it's usually no big deal. Like this wkend we were all suppose to drop things to go meet up with some 2nd cousin that happened to be going thru town. Found out the night before. I'm like..ah...no. Never met the guy. Not going to change my plans.
PS. is the 2nd cousin closer to her age? I wonder if that is why she's all about going?
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Loydene
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,639
Location: Albuquerque, New Mexico
Jul 8, 2014 16:31:47 GMT
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Post by Loydene on May 15, 2016 2:52:49 GMT
I'm not very good a math, but it looks to me like you are trying to control a 31 year old woman. High school graduates -- 17 year old -- and a 31 year old sibling are in charge of their own "relationship".
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Post by refugeepea on May 15, 2016 2:55:46 GMT
Did you make your twins attend her high school graduation? Maybe there's some animosity that way?
I think if she can attend, she should, but she is an adult. The main reason is because the graduates want her there. I would have let her know about my disappointment.
Situations vary, but I know when I graduated there were only 4 tickets available so they went to my parents and grandparents.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 20:20:01 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2016 2:56:38 GMT
I initially read your post wrong and was going to say that my 14yo wouldn't be given a choice. Then I realized you wrote 14 years older which I assume means she is an adult and possibly not living under your roof. I'd be hurt as well, but is it because she'd have to take time off (weekday) to attend the graduation?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 20:20:01 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2016 2:57:30 GMT
High school graduation! She goes!
The only excuse not to go is military service or a job.
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Post by freecharlie on May 15, 2016 2:58:27 GMT
14 years older means she probably doesn't have a typical sibling relationship. Is she a fan of weddings or is she looking for a date at the wedding or having a good time?
Graduations are boring. I could see her not wanting to go.
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Post by sues on May 15, 2016 3:01:46 GMT
I agree with you- it's important. But more than that- it's about the people graduating being important enough to show up for.
I remember graduating from HS and realizing my older brothers went out with their girlfriends instead of coming to the ceremony. It even surprised me, how hurt I was. But I remember trying to work out why I was so hurt...graduations are boring, it was not exactly going to be a fun night. I knew that. But that was kind of it...I wasn't important enough for them to make the effort, to go to any trouble, etc.
When we got home- there was nothing from them; no flowers, no note, no card- nothing. It was a big day for me, but just another day for them. It told me a lot about where I ranked and how much I factored in.
A lot of people will tell you "You can't force someone to be excited for your accomplishments." or "It's not important to them. It's boring. It's time consuming. Let it go." and while those things might be true- I think family members should operate on a different standard.
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Post by myshelly on May 15, 2016 3:10:07 GMT
IMO, graduation ceremonies are painful and not meaningful or interesting even to the people involved. I didn't even want to attend my *own* graduation ceremony.
Now, if there is a graduation party or dinner or some *family* centered event and she doesn't attend that, then I would be hurt.
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scrapaddie
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,090
Jul 8, 2014 20:17:31 GMT
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Post by scrapaddie on May 15, 2016 3:12:52 GMT
I'm not very good a math, but it looks to me like you are trying to control a 31 year old woman. High school graduates -- 17 year old -- and a 31 year old sibling are in charge of their own "relationship". This... I agree. I am eight years older than my brother and I did go to his graduation because I wanted to. Obviously your oldest daughter does not have the same relationship with your younger children. She may regret it someday. I am so glad that I went to my brothers graduation because he died in a car accident less than three months later. I am so glad that I don't have those regrets
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Post by anxiousmom on May 15, 2016 3:18:23 GMT
High school graduation! She goes! The only excuse not to go is military service or a job. My oldest won't be able to attend his brother's graduation because it is the same weekend as his drill weekend. I figure that is about the only excuse that I think I would accept-sometimes we do things not because we want to, and not because it is fun, but because we support the other person. But-my kids are pretty close in age and very close in their relationship with each other. I don't think he would have missed it otherwise.
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perumbula
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,439
Location: Idaho
Jun 26, 2014 18:51:17 GMT
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Post by perumbula on May 15, 2016 3:19:46 GMT
oh dang it. I read that wrong. I was thinking it was a 14 year old who wasn't going. That changes my answer. You can't control an adult. It's seriously disappointing though. Does she understand at all how much this could affect her relationship with her sibling? My oldest won't be at her brother's graduation either, but she'd be there in a heartbeat if she could. She absolutely can't make it and she's very upset about it. I think her brother would be very, very hurt if she could make it and couldn't be bothered to be there.
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Post by alexa11 on May 15, 2016 3:22:21 GMT
I agree with you- it's something that she should do because it's her sister. Yes, graduations are long and boring, but she should suck it up. Not sure what you will be able to do since she's an adult.
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Post by supersoda on May 15, 2016 3:25:39 GMT
Are you doing something else to celebrate the twins' graduation that the older sister will participate in? How do the twins feel about their older sister attending? What kind of relationship do they have? Does the older sister have to travel or take off work or find care for her own children to attend? Does she otherwise participate in her sisters' lives?
The bottom line is your oldest daughter is a grown woman capable of making her own decisions. There are a lot of factors that we don't know, and a lot of possible reasons why she might not attend. But at her age, you can't, and shouldn't try to, lay down a mandate. She's certainly old enough to appreciate the consequences of her decision.
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Post by justkat on May 15, 2016 3:25:46 GMT
I agree that graduations are boring. More often than not, the graduate isn't even interested in being there.
If your children were all minors I'd say yes. Both you and the graduate want the sister to attend so she'd go. But your older daughter is an adult. It's her decision. It'd be nice if she went given the circumstances. But she's an adult so it's her choice.
Sorry you're upset about it. Go and enjoy the evening with the graduates. Maybe have a celebratory dinner that the older daughter can attend. Congratulations!
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likescarrots
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,879
Aug 16, 2014 17:52:53 GMT
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Post by likescarrots on May 15, 2016 3:27:40 GMT
How close are they otherwise? Does your adult daughter have a different father than the twins? I think this REALLY depends on all of the relationships involved, and we have gotten very little information about that.
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Post by mlynn on May 15, 2016 3:27:54 GMT
The wedding situation is probably more about seeing all of the relatives who will be there than it is about the second cousin. Also, she may only see the cousin a couple of times a year but they may keep in touch throughout the year.
Do the twins care? I had 3 brothers and 2 sisters. One brother (10 years older & the oldest) and one sister (1 year younger) attended my graduation. Did not phase me. And until someone mentioned it, I did not realize they did not do presents or cards or anything.
If the twins care, are they picking it up from you? I realize that you care, but if you don't make it a big deal, it may not phase them either. In high school, graduation is about you and your classmates. Family? Not so much.
I always tell kids that feelings are ok. It is how you behave that matters. So, no, you are not wrong for feeling the way that you do. I can totally sympathize. I was not blessed with children, but I think I would feel the same way that you do. Given that, now it is time to decide how to behave.
Your children are 14 years apart. They are probably more like distant cousins than siblings. The girls were 3 years old when your daughter graduated. In her psyche, they probably still are to an extent. Being 5th of 6 kids and in my 50's I still get treated like a child to an extent. The mind-set lingers.
Behave as though it is a disappointment but not a big deal. The graduates will probably follow your example. You can give them the gift of this not becoming a thorn in their sides. As for the other daughter, write her a letter gently letting her know how you feel and why. And then let it go. You are seeing her as your child. But she is in her 30's and her perspective is quite different. Graduations are quite boring and miserable...even for the graduates. And tickets tend to be scarce. If she doesn't change her mind, that leaves a ticket for someone who will truly appreciate it. Grandma...grandpa...auntie Sue...a friend in a different grade.
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Post by AussieMeg on May 15, 2016 3:31:04 GMT
High school graduations are not a big deal here, and we don't have a ceremony. Perhaps that colours my opinion, but I don't see it as an issue at all. What exactly happens at a graduation ceremony?
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Post by marysue63 on May 15, 2016 3:41:02 GMT
Do you expect your children to attend their siblings events?
My answer to this question - it depends on the event. Graduation, sports games - no, birthdays and holidays - yes, if possible. I have 4 sisters, we always invite but know that we all have lives to live and everyone tries to make it if they can, but it's never a requirement.
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marimoose
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,282
Jul 22, 2014 2:10:14 GMT
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Post by marimoose on May 15, 2016 3:43:27 GMT
I would be upset and though I recognize tht she is a grown woman, I would still let her know about the disappointment. I know families have different values but helping to celebrate the big moments is important us and thankfully, has not been an issue - yet. Graduations may be boring to many but where is lthe line drawn as to what we attend or not attend. Would the older sister find it ok if the younger sisters chose not to oattend her wedding or something equally important. The fact that she is attending a weeding of a distant cousin seems like a selfish move.
I can only offer that I validate your feelings.
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Post by CarolT on May 15, 2016 3:54:32 GMT
I would be disappointed - and if this was a child living in my home it wouldn't be an option. But, considering her age (and I'm assuming she's an independent adult), I don't think there is anything you can or should do about it.
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AllieC
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Jul 4, 2014 6:57:02 GMT
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Post by AllieC on May 15, 2016 4:01:58 GMT
High school graduations are not a big deal here, and we don't have a ceremony. Perhaps that colours my opinion, but I don't see it as an issue at all. What exactly happens at a graduation ceremony? Ditto.
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
Jun 25, 2014 20:06:48 GMT
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Post by freebird on May 15, 2016 4:05:03 GMT
I am 16 and 12 years older than my two little sisters and I went to both their graduations (as did my older siblings). Your daughter isn't a very caring person and I'd remember that the next time she had something special going on.
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Deleted
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May 17, 2024 20:20:01 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2016 4:05:42 GMT
This is one of those post about what do the peas think...feel free to tell me I am wrong or being over sensitive. I need another way to think about this.
Do you expect your children to attend their siblings events? Here is my problem that I am upset about and probably over reacting. I have twins that are graduating high school in a few weeks. My older daughter (she is 14 years older) said she is not going to the ceremony. No interest in going feels not a big deal. I feel she should attend since it is a big deal to her sisters and me. I found out tonight that the week before the graduation she will be attending a wedding of a second cousin that she sees maybe 2 times a year if that. This wedding is 2 hours away and she even had sil take off work to attend with her. I tried explaining to her that I am hurt she won't attend the graduation for her sisters and yet she is going to a wedding of someone that she doesn't hardly know. She said I am just being drama and to let it go.
TIA
I wonder if going to the wedding is about seeing other cousins, aunts, uncles that will be at the wedding too. I have relatives I only see every few years but weddings and funerals pull the extended family together and it is a chance to see a lot of them at one time. To be honest, I likely would choose a wedding and a lot of extended family I see infrequently over much younger siblings I see much more often. And this graduation, while a milestone isn't the last of their graduations. The reality is your kids may not have a close relationship and there isn't a lot you can do about it. They were toddlers when she left home. The relationship isn't going to be the same as siblings close in age.
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Post by worrywart on May 15, 2016 4:08:29 GMT
Honestly, I do think it is a big deal..obviously graduation ceremonies can be boring and long but the fact that you go to the boring and long event to support and celebrate someone is huge. I think she is making a huge mistake. On the other hand, it would almost be worse if she is only there because you pressured her. I'm sorry she is being like that - it would be disappointing to me
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Post by grammadee on May 15, 2016 4:18:31 GMT
When my dd graduated--my youngest--only one of her 3 brothers was able to attend. One was working across the country, and another had booked a gig with his band that weekend without realizing it was the same day as the grad (last weekend in May = First weekend in June). Of course she had been at all of THEIR high school grads. I was really disappointed, but there was nothing that could be done--other than drop the gig, which would have been a big money loss + a loss in credibility for future bookings. I cried a lot. Tried to accept it: still cried. It still made no difference, and I knew it wouldn't. It wasn't the end of the world. They all survived. Were all there for other important events. (((((Hugs))))) lovinlife . I know it sucks, but as someone else said, you can't control your adult daughter: she will do what she's going to do, regardless.
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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on May 15, 2016 4:20:37 GMT
My sister didn't come to any of the three of my graduations. I don't feel like she missed anything and I wasn't upset that she didn't come. In some places, it wouldn't even be an issue-- in the event of inclement weather, my high school graduation was inside and you were allowed FIVE guests. That covered my parents and three living grandparents.
If it means a lot to your twins, it might have more weight if they expressed it to her. But I personally don't understand what's so important about the actual ceremony-- I've never been to one that wasn't ridiculously crowded, way off schedule, and a parking nightmare. The celebration, whatever you choose to make it, is the more important part in my view.
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Post by 950nancy on May 15, 2016 4:22:03 GMT
High school graduations are not a big deal here, and we don't have a ceremony. Perhaps that colours my opinion, but I don't see it as an issue at all. What exactly happens at a graduation ceremony? Oh, they are often loooong and boring. Generally the class marches in and several adults give speeches. Then 3 or 4 kids give speeches spending on the class rank or if they happened to be class president or something. Then another adult gives the commencement address and it is usually too long. Then each child is called to the stage to receive the diploma and shake the had of the school board president or principal or someone. They get their diploma, smile for a few professional shots and walk back to their seats. The band and orchestra often will play several long songs and then they are told to flip their tassels. In my experience they last 2 to 2.5 hours. I often go to one or two a year. Then the kids go home or to each other's parties for the rest of the weekend. I think it is kind of a big deal for most kids in the US, but it certainly doesn't have to be. Families often go out for dinner and that is it too. OP, I don't think you are wrong for feeling hurt, but you cannot control a 31 year old. Hopefully the twins won't be hurt by this.
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Post by crazy4scraps on May 15, 2016 4:24:15 GMT
Well, I had five siblings older than me when I graduated and one younger. NONE of my older siblings went to my graduation ceremony. The oldest is about 14 years older than me and would have been 32 and married with two kids, and the brother just ahead of me is four years older so he would have been 22 with the others ranging in between. None of them still lived at home.
I had a huge graduating class and each student got four tickets. My mom and younger brother (was a freshman that year) attended and that was it. I don't think anybody was fighting for the other two tickets. I'm pretty sure that most of my older siblings didn't even come to my graduation party. Eh. Whatever. I don't think it even registered on my radar to be upset because they were grown and gone and not part of my everyday life anyway.
I would let the older DD know you're disappointed, but other than that there's not much you can do. Either that relationship is there or it's not. You can't force those things.
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