momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,151
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on May 15, 2016 13:05:31 GMT
A couple of close family members are more in to my business than i'd like. They'll ask things about what is going on with kids, etc., and then give their unsolicited opinion. My kids are teen/young adult age. I've realized that while they may be well meaning and just want to know what everyone is up to, they're also intrusive and can't keep their opinions to themselves (and it's ridiculous stuff like they think they should do another job or go back to school.) It's very annoying to say the least, especially because I keep my opinions to myself with them (they don't take well to being on the receiving end of advice ) Anyway I have made a conscious effort not to give them information. But I can tell when I have to see them they will question me about what everyone is up to. I can tell you that at least one or two questions are going to be off limits. I have no desire to discuss because I have no desire to hear their opinions and they will have them. I'd like to try to avoid being confrontational about things, but really what do you say to other than i'd prefer not to discuss it or that isn't up for discussion. Any quick, easy way to get topics dropped without offending people too much.
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Post by mikklynn on May 15, 2016 13:08:39 GMT
How about interrupting them every time they start in?
Just jump in and ask them a question. Repeat as necessary.
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Post by shaniam on May 15, 2016 13:14:58 GMT
Sometimes you just have to say it's none of your business! My mother thinks she should know every detail about what is going on in my life. I will sometimes tell her "I am not discussing that with you".
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Post by hop2 on May 15, 2016 13:23:47 GMT
relative asks intrusive question.
Oh the children are doing wonderfully, just wonderfully. They are busy with their own lives.
Lather rinse repeat
Sprinkle in a couple 'kids are doing great' & maybe a 'kids have their own lives to lead' redirect with great/lousy/strange weather we having isn't it! When necessary
Eventually they ought to get the hint.
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rickmer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,123
Jul 1, 2014 20:20:18 GMT
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Post by rickmer on May 15, 2016 13:44:49 GMT
i deal with someone who asks very pointed questions that i feel are "fishing" so i give a vague answer and re-direct by asking her a question back. i admit, before i speak to her, i mentally run over a few questions in my head so i am prepared to change the subject.
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Post by Darcy Collins on May 15, 2016 14:01:44 GMT
Well I guess a lot depends on how you define close relative and if you wish to remain close to them. I think it's going to be a big awkward if the grandparents ask how the grand kids are and you respond that you'd prefer not to discuss them. It sounds like you're talking about grown or mostly grown children (based on your wish not hear their opinion on jobs and returning to school). I don't think you need to get into nitty gritty details, but I do see general updates as pretty standard in a family.
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AnotherPea
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,968
Jan 4, 2015 1:47:52 GMT
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Post by AnotherPea on May 15, 2016 14:10:58 GMT
I agree with the others that you can redirect and keep on redirecting.
But something you said puzzles me. These are close family relatives and you think when they suggest teens/young adults should go back to school they are being ridiculous? I'm thinking here, you can't have it both ways. You can't have close family care about your kids and expect them to not want to know what kind of education and careers they have. To me, a ridiculous bit of advice would sound like "you should tell Johnny that he needs to trade in his new car for one that is a different color." Even with that, Grandma is perfectly reasonable in having the opinion that red cars should be avoided. She just can't expect her opinion to be taken as gospel and used for advice.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,151
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on May 15, 2016 14:13:09 GMT
Well I guess a lot depends on how you define close relative and if you wish to remain close to them. I think it's going to be a big awkward if the grandparents ask how the grand kids are and you respond that you'd prefer not to discuss them. It sounds like you're talking about grown or mostly grown children (based on your wish not hear their opinion on jobs and returning to school). I don't think you need to get into nitty gritty details, but I do see general updates as pretty standard in a family. The whole thing is awkward, they are close family, but at the same time they aren't general questions. It's a specific is adult grown child working at a better job this summer type stuff. They are specific and then share their displeasure. If it were more general i'd be ok. I'll give you an example of the overstepping. One day we were with one of my siblings who proceeded to tell my dd what kind of jobs would be good for etc....which would have been fine if dd was unhappy in her job or had asked for advice. Sibling just doesn't think her job is a career choice or something. So when I say intrusive, this is just one example of VERY intrusive people.
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Post by librarylady on May 15, 2016 14:18:08 GMT
I like the suggestion to give vague response of "They are doing OK" There is always the response of "Why do you ask?"
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Post by epeanymous on May 15, 2016 14:19:06 GMT
"They're fine. I'm not trying to fix them." In response to advice.
I get it. My inlaws often try to give advice. They mean well, but some of the advice is troubling (my oldest daughter is a healthy weight but is not very thin as my MILwas, and my MIL wants her to lose weight) and some of the advice is just off-base (they had house-offer advice that didn't apply in a hot market). When it is something like the former, I generally say something like, "she is fine, and healthy, and I'd rather you not make comments about her weight," but with things like the latter, I just hear them out, tell them "OK," and do whatever I am going to do anyway.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on May 15, 2016 14:19:14 GMT
My standard response is, "I had no idea we were close enough for you to ask me a question like that." And then I just go about my business.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,151
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on May 15, 2016 14:19:56 GMT
I agree with the others that you can redirect and keep on redirecting. But something you said puzzles me. These are close family relatives and you think when they suggest teens/young adults should go back to school they are being ridiculous? I'm thinking here, you can't have it both ways. You can't have close family care about your kids and expect them to not want to know what kind of education and careers they have. To me, a ridiculous bit of advice would sound like "you should tell Johnny that he needs to trade in his new car for one that is a different color." Even with that, Grandma is perfectly reasonable in having the opinion that red cars should be avoided. She just can't expect her opinion to be taken as gospel and used for advice. I get what you are saying, by ridiculous I mean adult child is happy in their chosen job/career, BUT relatives opinion is that they should be returning to school for a degree. I'm 100% for education, but if said adult does not choose to further their education then so be it. The adult is 20's and was had some college done, but isn't interested (and it's not a money issue it's just a choice.) So the relatives weighing in I feel is inappropriate. And this is just ONE instance of where they weigh in on things that i'd rather they not. And by this I mean, I didn't mind when they expressed the opinion the first time. When the continue to express it, I mind.
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AnotherPea
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,968
Jan 4, 2015 1:47:52 GMT
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Post by AnotherPea on May 15, 2016 14:24:52 GMT
I agree with the others that you can redirect and keep on redirecting. But something you said puzzles me. These are close family relatives and you think when they suggest teens/young adults should go back to school they are being ridiculous? I'm thinking here, you can't have it both ways. You can't have close family care about your kids and expect them to not want to know what kind of education and careers they have. To me, a ridiculous bit of advice would sound like "you should tell Johnny that he needs to trade in his new car for one that is a different color." Even with that, Grandma is perfectly reasonable in having the opinion that red cars should be avoided. She just can't expect her opinion to be taken as gospel and used for advice. I get what you are saying, by ridiculous I mean adult child is happy in their chosen job/career, BUT relatives opinion is that they should be returning to school for a degree. I'm 100% for education, but if said adult does not choose to further their education then so be it. The adult is 20's and was had some college done, but isn't interested (and it's not a money issue it's just a choice.) So the relatives weighing in I feel is inappropriate. And this is just ONE instance of where they weigh in on things that i'd rather they not. And by this I mean, I didn't mind when they expressed the opinion the first time. When the continue to express it, I mind. well, and I'm trying to say this gently myself, if the "child" is old enough to make such a life-altering decision like that (not finishing a degree), then he is old enough to talk to Grandma/Auntie himself. You don't need to say anything. Let him handle it.
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Post by freecharlie on May 15, 2016 14:30:50 GMT
Respond with Ok That's nice They're happy doing x None of your business
Really, while they may be off the mark with their advice, I think you'd be better off growing a thicker skin than trying to change them.
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~Lauren~
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,876
Jun 26, 2014 3:33:18 GMT
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Post by ~Lauren~ on May 15, 2016 14:32:40 GMT
First, I think how annoyed things like this make you is a function of your (meaning the general public, not you in particular) personality. Some people are annoyed by this, others, like me don't mind at all.
I tell my mom everything and don't mind her asking about things. My sister is the complete opposite and claims my mom interrogates her. It makes my sister angry. My mom is exactly the same with both of us so the difference in how we feel is based on our own personalities.
Now, like most mothers, she offers her opinion freely. If she offers one I don't like or that is unsolicited, I usually joke with her and say something like "funny, I don't remember asking your opinion". Or I just roll my eyes at her and she gets the message.
In your situation, I don't think getting snarky with these people or saying "mind your business" is appropriate. A better way might be to is either simply tell them that everyone is "fine" and "not doing much". It's short and gives no info you don't want to give. With opinions, you can do like Siri does when people say she's stupid: "Thank you for your opinion".
ETA: Free Charlie, I think you and I were hatched from the same egg. We see the world the same on just about every situation.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 22:39:38 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2016 14:38:23 GMT
I have a relative like that. Things just come out that may seem insulting, but I know her intentions are well meaning and that aging has affected her ability to censor some of her comments. To me, I just try to let it go. If I were to tell her it's none of her business, it would be extremely hurtful and unfair being that she's always been involved in my children's lives. I have learned that if I really don't want to get into detail, I simply give only positive information like "school is great" and then change the subject. Just remember, your close relatives' questions may be less about being judgmental and more about remaining connected to the kids they love and likely don't see as often.
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Kerri W
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Posts: 3,769
Location: Kentucky
Jun 25, 2014 20:31:44 GMT
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Post by Kerri W on May 15, 2016 14:46:12 GMT
"She's happy with her choice and I'm not paying her bills so I don't make the assumption my opinion on the subject matters."
Then move on. Truly, move on even after you've left the conversation. You've said your part now be done with it.
I'm sure it's not the case where you are concerned but I'll throw it out there for conversation sake. I have a relative who is always distraught and frequently says "omgosh what should I do?!" But then is furious anytime anybody says something she doesn't agree with or follows up with a general how did that turn out kind of question. If you truly don't want input, make sure *you* aren't putting someone in the position of giving it.
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Post by Jockscrap on May 15, 2016 14:49:16 GMT
I don't think this would be a blip on my radar. Sometimes my folks disapprove of what my 18 and 21 year old are doing. They have often expressed that they don't think my DD should go off travelling after graduating, but I know this comes from them worrying that she'll be safe. They'd rather nobody took any risks or had any adventures - that's just how they are. They have lived very conventional lives. I don't think there needs to be an actual put down to your opinionated relatives, but a simple, ' at their age, they make their own choices and we support them', comment with no snark should be enough each and every time.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 22:39:38 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2016 15:01:14 GMT
A couple of close family members are more in to my business than i'd like. They'll ask things about what is going on with kids, etc., and then give their unsolicited opinion. My kids are teen/young adult age. I've realized that while they may be well meaning and just want to know what everyone is up to, they're also intrusive and can't keep their opinions to themselves (and it's ridiculous stuff like they think they should do another job or go back to school.) It's very annoying to say the least, especially because I keep my opinions to myself with them (they don't take well to being on the receiving end of advice ) Anyway I have made a conscious effort not to give them information. But I can tell when I have to see them they will question me about what everyone is up to. I can tell you that at least one or two questions are going to be off limits. I have no desire to discuss because I have no desire to hear their opinions and they will have them. I'd like to try to avoid being confrontational about things, but really what do you say to other than i'd prefer not to discuss it or that isn't up for discussion. Any quick, easy way to get topics dropped without offending people too much.Honestly, no, there isn't a way to get topics dropped without offense IF the person/people asking are lifelong nosy people who haven't taken the hints you have already dropped. I assume you've already tried the "I don't know they lead their own life and don't tell me much" or "son is happy with his job" etc From there it just gets stronger, more confrontational to "advice was asked" At one point I had to tell me mom flat out that her unsolicited advice made me not liking to talk to her. Then when she gave unsolicited advice I'd say "thank you for an opinion about my life I didn't ask for and would hang up or leave" Yes, it hurt her feelings. But my feelings also count and I still don't like unsolicited advice. Now she asks if she can give advice. Sometimes I say no I am sure of the decision and sometimes I say ok. All that to say, sometimes you just are going to have to offend to get the point across. It will help with the kids move out and you can claim having no knowledge. But also let the adultkid drop the relationship with the extended family that can't hold their opinion to themselves.
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RedSquirrelUK
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,743
Location: The UK's beautiful West Country
Aug 2, 2014 13:03:45 GMT
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Post by RedSquirrelUK on May 15, 2016 15:14:58 GMT
I get it. Personal questions followed by unasked personal opinions, from well-meaning people who are close enough to care, but not close enough for their opinion to bear weight. And you feel stuck in the middle.
If redirecting doesn't work, try a big smile and "why do you want to know?" and maybe "she's happy and healthy, and learning her own life lessons. That's important. She's doing great." Try not to take it personally. They're trying to pass on the benefits of their own experiences, without realising that your children are different people and need to build their own. Yes, they're crossing a line, but they're well-intentioned. Hang in there.
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,394
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on May 15, 2016 15:18:24 GMT
'Why do you want to know' usually does the trick I find.
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Post by femalebusiness on May 15, 2016 16:35:57 GMT
My standard reply to those types of questions is "Why do you want to know?" that usually stops them. If not then I tell them I'd rather discuss their interest in something that is not their business,
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Post by peasapie on May 15, 2016 16:46:19 GMT
I usually just say, "ya think so?" And if they add more I say, "interesting..." and that's it. I couldn't care less what most peoples' opinions are.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 22:39:38 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2016 17:37:52 GMT
I'm not sure the 'why do you want to know' responses really do much because clearly the answer is, I'm interested in your kids. Maybe I am missing the whammy somewhere on that response?
Personally, I think you are doing a lot of thinking about what others are thinking. Every person in your life and on this message board has some kind of opinion about your life and your kids life. Some express it and some just think it. Shortly after, most really don't care that much anymore because they are thinking about themselves or what Aunt Sally said about THEIR job.
Your response won't stop them thinking or saying anything so the best way to handle it is to not care. If you are feeling like you need some kind of defense tactic, maybe the real question is, why are you feeling so defensive? For me personally, that's where I usually find the best way to handle things.
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Post by gar on May 15, 2016 17:49:50 GMT
If this is family then personally, being too blunt wouldn't really be ideal imo. I don't think taking an interest in the youngsters is wrong, that's what families are all about isn't it, but when they offer their unsolicited advice I'd try and find a non-committal way of responding. Maybe just smile or think of a vague "I'm sure she's happy doing what she's chosen to do" type of answer.
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Post by *leslie* on May 15, 2016 18:05:39 GMT
I'm conflict avoidant so I just let the person say what they want to say. It doesn't mean I have to take their advice and I usually don't. It's annoying though. Opinions are different than advice because they can be taken more as criticism and that can hurt.
My husband is the complete opposite as me. He is very direct. For example the other day his mom is giving the wrong advice to our son about becoming a firefighter. Both my husband and BIL are sitting right there and both are firefighters. He said, "Mom stop, you don't know what you're talking about." Maybe that's too direct though, lol.
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Post by Darcy Collins on May 15, 2016 18:08:16 GMT
I think it's very telling that you consider questions from close family members about your adult children - someone intruding on your business.
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Post by bc2ca on May 15, 2016 18:09:00 GMT
I agree with the others that you can redirect and keep on redirecting. But something you said puzzles me. These are close family relatives and you think when they suggest teens/young adults should go back to school they are being ridiculous? I'm thinking here, you can't have it both ways. You can't have close family care about your kids and expect them to not want to know what kind of education and careers they have. To me, a ridiculous bit of advice would sound like "you should tell Johnny that he needs to trade in his new car for one that is a different color." Even with that, Grandma is perfectly reasonable in having the opinion that red cars should be avoided. She just can't expect her opinion to be taken as gospel and used for advice. I get what you are saying, by ridiculous I mean adult child is happy in their chosen job/career, BUT relatives opinion is that they should be returning to school for a degree. I'm 100% for education, but if said adult does not choose to further their education then so be it. The adult is 20's and was had some college done, but isn't interested (and it's not a money issue it's just a choice.) So the relatives weighing in I feel is inappropriate. And this is just ONE instance of where they weigh in on things that i'd rather they not. And by this I mean, I didn't mind when they expressed the opinion the first time. When the continue to express it, I mind. Some of DH's relatives lives revolve around discussing every family member and what they should be doing differently, so I think I get what you are saying here. I don't engage when they are talking about us or others, except maybe to say something like it sounds like they are doing great and really happy. I'm never going to change their need to weigh in, discuss and advise so I just don't engage.
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Post by crazy4scraps on May 15, 2016 18:34:17 GMT
I'm not sure the 'why do you want to know' responses really do much because clearly the answer is, I'm interested in your kids. Maybe I am missing the whammy somewhere on that response?Personally, I think you are doing a lot of thinking about what others are thinking. Every person in your life and on this message board has some kind of opinion about your life and your kids life. Some express it and some just think it. Shortly after, most really don't care that much anymore because they are thinking about themselves or what Aunt Sally said about THEIR job. Your response won't stop them thinking or saying anything so the best way to handle it is to not care. If you are feeling like you need some kind of defense tactic, maybe the real question is, why are you feeling so defensive? For me personally, that's where I usually find the best way to handle things. There's generally more of a whammy effect if the question is very personal, asked by someone who has no business asking it and it's obviously overreaching. It could still work in this instance as well by responding to their answer "Well, I'm interested in your kids" with, "If you were truly interested in them, you would be asking them directly yourself." How many of them are going to go out of their way to call or see the kids in person so they can ask their questions directly?
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Post by mollycoddle on May 15, 2016 18:35:09 GMT
I usually just say, "ya think so?" And if they add more I say, "interesting..." and that's it. I couldn't care less what most peoples' opinions are.
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