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Post by sunnyd on May 15, 2016 18:41:51 GMT
Be selective of what info you give them & when they don't approve say, "That's the joy of being 18. You have your whole life ahead to figure it out." Then let it go. If they were really rude I'd say, "Your input is not needed." Then let it go.
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smcast
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,322
Location: MN
Mar 18, 2016 14:06:38 GMT
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Post by smcast on May 15, 2016 23:50:52 GMT
I get it. Personal questions followed by unasked personal opinions, from well-meaning people who are close enough to care, but not close enough for their opinion to bear weight. And you feel stuck in the middle. If redirecting doesn't work, try a big smile and "why do you want to know?" and maybe "she's happy and healthy, and learning her own life lessons. That's important. She's doing great." Try not to take it personally. They're trying to pass on the benefits of their own experiences, without realising that your children are different people and need to build their own. Yes, they're crossing a line, but they're well-intentioned. Hang in there. Good advice. After a few vague answers or just plain telling them they are doing just fine without added advice, I would think they'd get the message. If they don't, be more direct or let it slide off your back. Only you know these people and what will work. If being direct doesn't work, you have to let it go or you will always be upset around family.
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smginaz Suzy
Pearl Clutcher
Je suis desole.
Posts: 2,606
Jun 26, 2014 17:27:30 GMT
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Post by smginaz Suzy on May 16, 2016 1:42:11 GMT
My dad loves to quiz me with financial issues that are none of his damn business, so I do tell him that. He's offensive, so I guess I don't care whether I offend him. But it is crap like how much did something cost and how much am I making and whether DD is paying her rent. I respond by asking why that is his business and is he offering to pay for her.
But I don't have any magic words either. At the same time, I don't ever feel compelled to respond to questions that are intrusive.
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Post by happymom on May 16, 2016 14:00:29 GMT
My family asks a lot of questions and frankly it isn't my job to talk about them anymore. I feel very protective over their privacy and personal lives. My youngest is trying college and is pretty uncertain about his future career. He has chosen a "artsy" major and I have heard many times "what is he going to do do with THAT? ".
I say that is his problem and drop it. And as far as him discussing it...and handling the discussions on his own... why should adults get to grill him or ask him questions that he is uncomfortable discussing? He will learn to handle that in time but I takes practice
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Post by utmr on May 16, 2016 14:13:55 GMT
My family gets like that. What sometimes works for me is to answer with an unrelated comment. "What on earth will DD do with an art degree?" (When the question is just a thinly disguised slam). "Oh did I tell you about the award she got for her project / what she said her professor said / the neat thing she did." And I keep doing that until they give up.
Or "what did DS score on the Starr test?" (Opportunity to brag about the other grandchild Perfect Polly while slamming my dyslexic kid) "oh we are so glad those tests are done. Did I tell you about ...."
Just because they ask doesn't mean they get the answer they want. Something pleasant and positive and not what they want to know.
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perumbula
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,439
Location: Idaho
Jun 26, 2014 18:51:17 GMT
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Post by perumbula on May 16, 2016 14:42:10 GMT
I have two sisters who are nasty gossips. No one can ever do anything right and they talk about family behind their backs, saying mean things. I avoid the issue by rarely offering up any information on what my family is up to. My mom and siblings get a barebones report and that's it. I never say anything negative about what my children and spouse are doing because I don't want to give them any fuel to burn us with.
It's kind of hard because i don't feel as close to my family as I could. it would be nice to share more so my parents know what my kids are up to, but I'm old enough to know what would happen if I did. Sometimes you just have to start keeping family news to yourself.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 20, 2024 15:56:27 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2016 14:54:31 GMT
My family gets like that. What sometimes works for me is to answer with an unrelated comment. "What on earth will DD do with an art degree?" (When the question is just a thinly disguised slam). "Oh did I tell you about the award she got for her project / what she said her professor said / the neat thing she did." And I keep doing that until they give up. Or "what did DS score on the Starr test?" (Opportunity to brag about the other grandchild Perfect Polly while slamming my dyslexic kid) "oh we are so glad those tests are done. Did I tell you about ...." Just because they ask doesn't mean they get the answer they want. Something pleasant and positive and not what they want to know. I like your idea. OP, the questions you were asked do not seem intrusive to me at all. Be thankful you are not in my family!!! A grandparent recently expressed concern to my husband about our DD20 dating a 25 year old man and hinted around about physical stuff. The conversation was so awkward for my husband. What is worse for a father than talking/thinking about his DD's "love" life??? Answer: Discussing the subject with her own grandparents!! Thankfully there is nothing to really discuss since they are very newly dating.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on May 16, 2016 14:57:56 GMT
Why try to control their opinions? You cannot change them. Only you can choose how you react to it.
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Post by Dori~Mama~Bear on May 16, 2016 14:58:05 GMT
I say "I'm not going there"
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Post by Miss Ang on May 16, 2016 15:03:01 GMT
Well I guess a lot depends on how you define close relative and if you wish to remain close to them. I think it's going to be a big awkward if the grandparents ask how the grand kids are and you respond that you'd prefer not to discuss them. It sounds like you're talking about grown or mostly grown children (based on your wish not hear their opinion on jobs and returning to school). I don't think you need to get into nitty gritty details, but I do see general updates as pretty standard in a family. I think it's very telling that you consider questions from close family members about your adult children - someone intruding on your business. I think you're missing a few key details that the OP mentioned.
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MerryMom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,539
Jul 24, 2014 19:51:57 GMT
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Post by MerryMom on May 16, 2016 17:35:14 GMT
We'll give your opinion its due attention.
When we were that age, I don't remember that we listened and did everything our relatives thought we should.
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