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Post by mcscrapper on May 22, 2016 18:00:51 GMT
As some of y'all may remember, I don't have the best relationship with my dd. She is now 16 and still lives with her dad which was not by my choice but hers. We live on the same street, less than 1/2 mile away, but yet I don't see her much. It breaks my heart.
I won't go into a lot of detail of why she isn't with me and the relationship part but....
She is playing soccer at a pretty high level. Has always played on a competitive travel team, HS varsity starter as a 9th grader, etc. She asked my mom and me if we would pay for her to go to a college ID camp which was this weekend. She has also asked for the opportunity to try out for the state's upper level team. The camp was about 2hrs away and so are these tryouts which are tomorrow and Tuesday. I could not take her to the camp yesterday and told me xH that I couldn't take on Saturday and had a family party today for my great aunt's 90th b'day. I did say I could miss the party if she didn't have another way to the camp.
I find out this morning that dd didn't go to the camp. She said she didn't go because she wanted to be rested for the big tryout this week and she does have a final exam tomorrow. Her dad said the check engine light came on in her car. This is my old car and I know what this light is and it is nothing serious. Could have easily be driven. His car is in the shop so he didn't have a car. I am upset because I told them I would take if there was no other option.
I'm also upset because she keeps saying college soccer is a huge dream of hers but yet she is sabotaging herself by not going to day 2 of the camp. I told her I was disappointed that she didn't go and that she should rise to the challenge if this is her dream. She tells me *I* am not being supportive of her dream. WHUT?
I should also mention that the camp was put on by the club she wants to try out for this week.
Because she didn't go to the camp I told her she should go to the family party and she doesn't want to go because she says she won't know anyone. It is part of our extended family that we don't see much and a lot of the people she would know are out of town and cannot attend. I'm just upset because she keeps making excuse after excuse to not do stuff and he just enables her.
Please help me maintain my sanity! I want to strangle them both!
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Deleted
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Jun 2, 2024 23:57:31 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 22, 2016 18:21:46 GMT
As some of y'all may remember, I don't have the best relationship with my dd. She is now 16 and still lives with her dad which was not by my choice but hers. We live on the same street, less than 1/2 mile away, but yet I don't see her much. It breaks my heart. I won't go into a lot of detail of why she isn't with me and the relationship part but.... She is playing soccer at a pretty high level. Has always played on a competitive travel team, HS varsity starter as a 9th grader, etc. She asked my mom and me if we would pay for her to go to a college ID camp which was this weekend. She has also asked for the opportunity to try out for the state's upper level team. The camp was about 2hrs away and so are these tryouts which are tomorrow and Tuesday. I could not take her to the camp yesterday and told me xH that I couldn't take on Saturday and had a family party today for my great aunt's 90th b'day. I did say I could miss the party if she didn't have another way to the camp. I find out this morning that dd didn't go to the camp. She said she didn't go because she wanted to be rested for the big tryout this week and she does have a final exam tomorrow. Her dad said the check engine light came on in her car. This is my old car and I know what this light is and it is nothing serious. Could have easily be driven. His car is in the shop so he didn't have a car. I am upset because I told them I would take if there was no other option. I'm also upset because she keeps saying college soccer is a huge dream of hers but yet she is sabotaging herself by not going to day 2 of the camp. I told her I was disappointed that she didn't go and that she should rise to the challenge if this is her dream. She tells me *I* am not being supportive of her dream. WHUT? I should also mention that the camp was put on by the club she wants to try out for this week. Because she didn't go to the camp I told her she should go to the family party and she doesn't want to go because she says she won't know anyone. It is part of our extended family that we don't see much and a lot of the people she would know are out of town and cannot attend. I'm just upset because she keeps making excuse after excuse to not do stuff and he just enables her. Please help me maintain my sanity! I want to strangle them both! "I was disappointed" is all she heard. "I can't take her on Saturday and I have a party on Sunday" is all your ex heard. Their communication style is for short input. You can't change them. You can only change you. Don't express negatives like "I'm disappointed" instead find a way to say the same thing that keeps the "I" (you) out of it. "too bad it didn't work out" and don't give a lot of details on why you aren't available just "Call me if you need a ride" don't tell them you have plans but are willing to cancel. If you are willing to cancel the plans are immaterial. While you understand what this camp might mean, she does need support in doing well on her finals. Praise that. If she doesn't have the grades the camp becomes a moot point too. |
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,152
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on May 22, 2016 19:01:51 GMT
Volt always has great advice. I too have a 16 yo and she can be a challenge. She can be easily frustrated (and very grump) when I try to give advice or tell her that the way she's going about something isn't going to work out....and trust me I choose my words carefully. Funny part is she'll come back to me later and tell me she now realizes why I said what I said or advised what I advised  Sometimes you just have to let things go. If she doesn't make the team because she didn't attend the whole camp, just sympathize and more on. |
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trollie
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by trollie on May 22, 2016 19:13:39 GMT
I would be ticked that I paid for something that she didn't attend.
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Post by scrapbookwriter on May 22, 2016 23:04:31 GMT
I like volt's advice.
I also want to add: she will appreciate the commitment of camp more if she were invested in it too. Next time, instead of outright paying for camp, perhaps you could offer to pay a percentage if she will work to earn the rest of the money.
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Post by mcscrapper on May 22, 2016 23:12:27 GMT
voltagain you are right. I didn't say the words "I'm disappointed" directly but did say something to that effect. I AM disappointed because this isn't the first time something like this has happened. She gives me grief about "not being supportive" but I can only do so much. The rest is on you. And if she does make this different team, it would mean driving about 2 hours (4 hours roundtrip) two days a week for her to go to practice. There are one or two other families that might be going to so that would help with the driving but she thinks that is just no big deal and that she will be 17 by then and can drive herself. I don't think so! I am just not sure I can make this type of commitment. It is a LOT of time, money and effort - none of which I have nor does her father. @triollie - I am very upset that she asked my mom to pay for the camp which she gladly did and then didn't go. My mom is out of town right now but is gonna be ticked when she finds out. I'm only working part time while I'm going to school so I'm so thankful for my mom and I just hate to see her spend her money of this stuff and my dd doesn't seem to grasp the effort and sacrifices everyone is making for HER. sheesh! m
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Deleted
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Jun 2, 2024 23:57:31 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 23, 2016 0:04:37 GMT
voltagain you are right. I didn't say the words "I'm disappointed" directly but did say something to that effect. I AM disappointed because this isn't the first time something like this has happened. She gives me grief about "not being supportive" but I can only do so much. The rest is on you. And if she does make this different team, it would mean driving about 2 hours (4 hours roundtrip) two days a week for her to go to practice. There are one or two other families that might be going to so that would help with the driving but she thinks that is just no big deal and that she will be 17 by then and can drive herself. I don't think so! I am just not sure I can make this type of commitment. It is a LOT of time, money and effort - none of which I have nor does her father. @triollie - I am very upset that she asked my mom to pay for the camp which she gladly did and then didn't go. My mom is out of town right now but is gonna be ticked when she finds out. I'm only working part time while I'm going to school so I'm so thankful for my mom and I just hate to see her spend her money of this stuff and my dd doesn't seem to grasp the effort and sacrifices everyone is making for HER. sheesh! m I think you have every right to be disappointed. And I think in a calmer moment you have every right to remind her of how you HAVE supported her but she let herself down by not following through. I also think it is reasonable to tell her you wont be able to support the cost or time committment to a team that is two hours away. If she couldn't get to two days of camp she won't last that long for a full season. If she wants it she will need to pony up the money on her own or at least a good sized percentage of it. |
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on May 23, 2016 0:11:41 GMT
When it all calms down I would take her out for lunch/dinner/ ice cream.. and say
Hey Let's troubleshoot what happened last weekend so that next time you have some options.
We don't do soccer but we do other activities and I always see Parents looking for car pool options.. playing an hour or two away would require some ride sharing in my family. My daughter would love to do a theatre program that is almost an hour away. I keep telling her as soon as we find a family to car pool with she can try.
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Post by debmast on May 23, 2016 0:12:45 GMT
Her words say she wants to play college soccer. However, her actions do not.
Missing day 2 of that ID Camp told every coach there that she isn't committed.
I wouldn't pay for another one.
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
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Post by freebird on May 23, 2016 0:20:46 GMT
I wouldn't pay for something special again when asked. Or, I'd only pay a small portion after they paid the rest (with the check made out to the organization). I'd also tell them why.
"Last time I paid for your camp you requested you failed to go. I felt used and disrespected when you didn't bother." 16 years old is old enough to understand that if you don't want to spend much time with me, don't come using me for an ATM.
I'm also the hard ass parent. But at the end of the day when my kid has a problem with their taxes or needs advice on buying a car, they come to *me*. I pull no punches.
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likescarrots
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by likescarrots on May 23, 2016 0:28:59 GMT
voltagain you are right. I didn't say the words "I'm disappointed" directly but did say something to that effect. I AM disappointed because this isn't the first time something like this has happened. She gives me grief about "not being supportive" but I can only do so much. The rest is on you. And if she does make this different team, it would mean driving about 2 hours (4 hours roundtrip) two days a week for her to go to practice. There are one or two other families that might be going to so that would help with the driving but she thinks that is just no big deal and that she will be 17 by then and can drive herself. I don't think so! I am just not sure I can make this type of commitment. It is a LOT of time, money and effort - none of which I have nor does her father. @triollie - I am very upset that she asked my mom to pay for the camp which she gladly did and then didn't go. My mom is out of town right now but is gonna be ticked when she finds out. I'm only working part time while I'm going to school so I'm so thankful for my mom and I just hate to see her spend her money of this stuff and my dd doesn't seem to grasp the effort and sacrifices everyone is making for HER. sheesh! m Why would you let her try out when you're not willing to drive her there or let her drive herself?  ? |
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Post by Really Red on May 23, 2016 0:37:11 GMT
I have 3 teens and feel your pain. Sometimes it doesn't matter what you say, because all they hear is NO or you yelling at them (I cannot recall the last time I yelled at my kids, but they hear disappointment and they hear yelling).
I always start off my conversations with them when they ask something with "Let's see what we can work out." Then I tell them the plusses and minuses and we see where we can intersect.
It is EXHAUSTING. Particularly when you are not the custodial parent. You have to try harder. I'm sorry. Start with saying "Sorry, we misunderstood each other. I would have been happy to take you and I'm sorry I didn't make that clearer." It doesn't matter if you did, just say it. Then go on to say "I know you're serious about soccer. Let's see what we can work out for the next things."
I agree with you about the party, but I think you have to let her not go. I hate that, but sometimes that battle isn't worth it.
Good luck!
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Sometimes you just have to let things go. If she doesn't make the team because she didn't attend the whole camp, just sympathize and more on.
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