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Post by jenjie on Jun 16, 2016 2:50:44 GMT
I had a conversation tonight with a widow friend from grief share. In this case it's specific to grief but I think might apply to other areas as well. Maybe it will help somebody. Tonight I'm thinking of blarneygirl, zella, scrappinspidey2, quiltz. Tonight's subject was Father's Day. But as I said, it could apply in different areas. My friend was stressing over what Father's Day is going to look like for her family. So many ideas she had but none she was happy with. "I don't know what I want!" She said. I told her, "you know exactly what you want (for both of us, it would be our husbands). But you can't have what you want. Why not reframe it and figure out what you can handle instead of dealing with what you want but can't have?" My friend found that helpful because it took this impossible, unreachable thing and brought it within reach. All of a sudden she was dealing with something more manageable. I realized I've been doing the same thing without putting a label or whatever on it. I evaluate a situation and remove myself if it gets to be too much. Disengage for a few minutes at least. As my friend starts reinserting herself into social situations, I recommended she drive herself so she can leave if she needs to. As for me and my house, we are taking the inlaws to breakfast on Saturday. That will be a controlled environment. When the meal is over we will go our separate ways. On Sunday we will not be going to church. Too much talk about dads. We will spend the day at the beach. Low key but on our terms. No hiding heads under the covers. I don't know what the day will hold but I'm going to try to make the best of it for my kids in a way that should be "safe" for me. Maybe "do what you can with what you've been given". Can you think of another scenario this idea would work? Or is it all in my head? I'm thinking like I wanted job A and got job B I wanted to go to Paris, France but could only afford Paris, TX. I thought he was Mr Right but he thought I was Miss Wrong |
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Jun 16, 2016 2:57:51 GMT
I hear you! I think of my dad all the time. I miss him like crazy, I feel alone with my family, he made it for me. I have no advice other than I don't plan that day in advance.
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Post by leslie132 on Jun 16, 2016 2:58:00 GMT
I think it sounds perfect. Fred would 100% approve of a day spent relaxing.
My husbands father just passed away in April. We officially have no more Poppy's for our children. I'm thinking of doing a balloon release. We write a message on our balloon and away it goes.
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valleyview
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Post by valleyview on Jun 16, 2016 3:03:18 GMT
I think it's a great idea to plan for what you can control. Your weekend plans sound doable. I hope that you all can relax and avoid the pressures that go along with Sunday.
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scrappinspidey2
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Mar 18, 2015 19:19:37 GMT
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Post by scrappinspidey2 on Jun 16, 2016 3:06:17 GMT
First big hugs my friend!
This year I don't have to deal with Father's Day. My kids are elsewhere and I drove down to meet a dear friend I met on a widows board. As my dad,FIL and Husband are all gone, Father's Day is very hard for me. I just try to do something else like you have suggested. Get out of the house and away from the reminders. Last year we went to a bird sanctuary and it was fun
I wish I could figure out how to fight my 330 pm shut down I experience from now till July 27th. The 26th was the accident date but about a month out I find my body shutting down for about an hour from 330-430. It's obnoxious.
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Post by jenjie on Jun 16, 2016 3:15:38 GMT
First big hugs my friend! This year I don't have to deal with Father's Day. My kids are elsewhere and I drove down to meet a dear friend I met on a widows board. As my dad,FIL and Husband are all gone, Father's Day is very hard for me. I just try to do something else like you have suggested. Get out of the house and away from the reminders. Last year we went to a bird sanctuary and it was fun I wish I could figure out how to fight my 330 pm shut down I experience from now till July 27th. The 26th was the accident date but about a month out I find my body shutting down for about an hour from 330-430. It's obnoxious. Oh wow. I have been so fatigued the past several weeks. I assumed it was because I increased meds. I'm planning to call the doctor tomorrow. I wonder if I am experiencing something similar. Two weeks from tomorrow will be the one year anniversary. I'm so sorry for your multiple losses of these important men in your life. I'm glad you were able to come up with a good way to spend that difficult holiday. I hope you have a good time with your friend. |
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Post by jenjie on Jun 16, 2016 3:16:32 GMT
I think it sounds perfect. Fred would 100% approve of a day spent relaxing. My husbands father just passed away in April. We officially have no more Poppy's for our children. I'm thinking of doing a balloon release. We write a message on our balloon and away it goes. I'm sorry Leslie.  that's a good idea. |
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Post by jenjie on Jun 16, 2016 3:25:31 GMT
I hear you! I think of my dad all the time. I miss him like crazy, I feel alone with my family, he made it for me. I have no advice other than I don't plan that day in advance. I'm sorry |
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Post by grammadee on Jun 16, 2016 3:50:27 GMT
Good advice to deal with what you have, rather than bemoaning what is lost.
Changing traditions is hard. Have you talked to your kids about what they would like to do Fathers' Day? They may surprise you with their ideas, and talking about the loss and the changing traditions will do you all good.
I lost my Mom at age 10, and used to hate going to church and school in early May while all the kids were making stuff for their mothers. No one offered me an alternative activity. And no one asked me what I would like to do to honour MY mom.
The first Fathers Day after my brother passed away, all the kids & grandkids went out to their farm, as they usually would have done, spent the time together, barbecued, ate ice cream for dessert. At some point, they wrote messages to GrandDad, put them in balloons, and released them over the fields. They all got a lot of joy out of that day, sharing memories and being together.
Whatever you choose to do, I hope it helps in the healing process. Don't worry if you find yourself crying. That is healing, too. ((((Hugs))))
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Post by mirabelleswalker on Jun 16, 2016 4:08:15 GMT
I think that's what Sheryl Sandberg called "kicking the shit out of option B."
Have you read her essay on grief or seen her commencement speech at UC Berkeley this past month? She is, like you, gracefully exercising her option Bs.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2016 11:38:37 GMT
Be gentle with yourself this weekend. Those first holidays can be tough! Lots of hugs!
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scrapaddie
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Post by scrapaddie on Jun 16, 2016 11:41:39 GMT
I think this is how we all manage life.... We deal with what we can.... You may have known people who are never happy because they are never satisfied with what they have. They are miserable people. In my losses, I have chosen not to be miserable.
For you and your family, you are still learning a new and unwelcome , painful reality. Holidays like this are such a painful reminder of your loss... I think your plans sound great and I know you and your children will be honoring Fred throughout the day.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2016 11:47:23 GMT
I was shopping for Fathers Day gifts on Monday, I got to the cards and just couldn't cope with them. (I started to cry, in the supermarket, good job Elaine!!) I'm grieving for my Dad and he's still alive, I hate dementia with every fibre of my being I don't know what I'll do on Sunday, I'm trying not to think about it. |
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Post by blarneygirl on Jun 16, 2016 12:56:03 GMT
Your suggestion of taking some control over significant dates is a good one! That's what we did this past Christmas, and I think it helped. My dad is gone 9 years now, so the bombarding of displays and commercials doesn't sting me like it used to, but I ache for my kids and wish the day would finally be over so it could stop!
I can't believe your year without your husband is almost here. I have great admiration for your grace and all you have shared with us. I don't have anyone IRL who has lost their husband during the same period of life, so I draw strength from those here who are willing to share.
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maurchclt
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Post by maurchclt on Jun 16, 2016 13:03:33 GMT
I was shopping for Fathers Day gifts on Monday, I got to the cards and just couldn't cope with them. (I started to cry, in the supermarket, good job Elaine!!) I'm grieving for my Dad and he's still alive, I hate dementia with every fibre of my being I don't know what I'll do on Sunday, I'm trying not to think about it. HUGS, I so understand. It's just awful. |
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tuesdaysgone
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Post by tuesdaysgone on Jun 16, 2016 13:10:30 GMT
I can only send good thoughts to those who are struggling. jenjie, I admire the honest way in which you've shared your journey in the past year. Your fear, faith, and strength have touched me. I think of you often. All the best to your family this weekend. |
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momto4kiddos
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Post by momto4kiddos on Jun 16, 2016 13:32:37 GMT
I think your advice to reframe things and do what you can handle is great advice! I also think it can be used in many circumstances as you are thinking. Reframing and doing the best with what you've been given is definitely something we could all do with probably many circumstances in our lives.
Wishing a beautiful beach day with your children. ((HUGS))
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grinningcat
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Post by grinningcat on Jun 16, 2016 13:37:01 GMT
I've been doing exactly what you've suggested. Reframing Father's Day (and any other day quite frankly) to make it what I need... not what others expect. I have to admit my fuse is short with others who seem to think they know best for me (took every ounce to not punch my MIL for telling me that I "needed closure because I didn't have the right kind" which means the kind she thinks is appropriate. Thankfully the topic was changed quickly by others in the room).
It's amazing how switching how switching even one tiny thing, can completely change the picture to make it more manageable. What's that saying? Something about don't think about eating the whole elephant, just take one bite at a time.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2016 14:26:17 GMT
This is so timely for me. It will be my first Father's Day without my dad, too. I thought I was handling it well, until like lainey, I started looking at Father's Day cards. I always get one for DH because I want him to know how much I appreciate him being a great dad to our kids. Then my eyes wandered over to the cards addressed To Dad from your Daughter....that's what I always got my dad. I didn't completely lose it in the store, but boy, did I let it out in the car! I'll be staying home from church as well. I know I'll cry when they start talking about fathers, and I prefer to grieve privately right now. Frankly, I don't care how anyone else feels about that. They're not me, they don't get to tell me how I should handle Father's Day. |
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Post by shescrafty on Jun 16, 2016 14:43:51 GMT
This year we learned on Mother's Day that we cannot celebrate it the way that we used to and that is OK.
On Sunday my husband and my son are going to the baseball game to watch the Orioles play with his best friend and son. I am not going so I can just be a guys day together. Both my husband and I have lost our dads and this you're losing Phoebe we just can't celebrate Father's Day. I do have an Orioles tie for him but coincidentally the dry cleaner just ruined a tie that is very similar so it kind of all works out.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2016 14:48:50 GMT
I was shopping for Fathers Day gifts on Monday, I got to the cards and just couldn't cope with them. (I started to cry, in the supermarket, good job Elaine!!) I'm grieving for my Dad and he's still alive, I hate dementia with every fibre of my being I don't know what I'll do on Sunday, I'm trying not to think about it. I am so sorry! Huge hugs. I really think it would be more painful to see the family member you know and love slowly go away. |
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oldcrow
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Post by oldcrow on Jun 16, 2016 14:49:37 GMT
I think it sounds perfect. Fred would 100% approve of a day spent relaxing. My husbands father just passed away in April. We officially have no more Poppy's for our children. I'm thinking of doing a balloon release. We write a message on our balloon and away it goes. Please do not release balloons. They are dangerous to wildlife. Perhaps instead you could write your message on a small piece of paper and drop it in a stream or river or even the ocean if that is close. I have friends who live on a farm and on the anniversary of the death they walk together up a hill on their property and leave a note there. |
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freebird
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Post by freebird on Jun 16, 2016 14:55:28 GMT
I think it sounds perfect. Fred would 100% approve of a day spent relaxing. My husbands father just passed away in April. We officially have no more Poppy's for our children. I'm thinking of doing a balloon release. We write a message on our balloon and away it goes. Please do not release balloons. They are dangerous to wildlife. Perhaps instead you could write your message on a small piece of paper and drop it in a stream or river or even the ocean if that is close. I have friends who live on a farm and on the anniversary of the death they walk together up a hill on their property and leave a note there. Thank you for saying that Old crow, i so very much agree!! |
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Post by jenjie on Jun 16, 2016 15:11:12 GMT
I think that's what Sheryl Sandberg called "kicking the shit out of option B." Have you read her essay on grief or seen her commencement speech at UC Berkeley this past month? She is, like you, gracefully exercising her option Bs. This was really good thank you! If anyone else wants to read it, here's the link www.businessinsider.com/sheryl-sandbergs-essay-on-dave-goldbergs-death-and-grief-2015-6And here is her comment in context: I was talking to one of these friends about a father-child activity that Dave is not here to do. We came up with a plan to fill in for Dave. I cried to him, "But I want Dave. I want option A." He put his arm around me and said, "Option A is not available. So let's just kick the shit out of option B." Dave, to honor your memory and raise your children as they deserve to be raised, I promise to do all I can to kick the shit out of option B. And even though sheloshim has ended, I still mourn for option A. I will always mourn for option A. As Bono sang, "There is no end to grief ... and there is no end to love." I love you, Dave. - with Dave Goldberg. |
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Post by jenjie on Jun 16, 2016 15:13:10 GMT
I was shopping for Fathers Day gifts on Monday, I got to the cards and just couldn't cope with them. (I started to cry, in the supermarket, good job Elaine!!) I'm grieving for my Dad and he's still alive, I hate dementia with every fibre of my being I don't know what I'll do on Sunday, I'm trying not to think about it. That was me last year!! I'm so sorry. |
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Post by jenjie on Jun 16, 2016 15:16:28 GMT
I've been doing exactly what you've suggested. Reframing Father's Day (and any other day quite frankly) to make it what I need... not what others expect. I have to admit my fuse is short with others who seem to think they know best for me (took every ounce to not punch my MIL for telling me that I "needed closure because I didn't have the right kind" which means the kind she thinks is appropriate. Thankfully the topic was changed quickly by others in the room). It's amazing how switching how switching even one tiny thing, can completely change the picture to make it more manageable. What's that saying? Something about don't think about eating the whole elephant, just take one bite at a time. I admire your restraint. I'm feeling quite "punchy" these days too. |
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Post by jenjie on Jun 16, 2016 15:20:06 GMT
This is so timely for me. It will be my first Father's Day without my dad, too. I thought I was handling it well, until like lainey, I started looking at Father's Day cards. I always get one for DH because I want him to know how much I appreciate him being a great dad to our kids. Then my eyes wandered over to the cards addressed To Dad from your Daughter....that's what I always got my dad. I didn't completely lose it in the store, but boy, did I let it out in the car! I'll be staying home from church as well. I know I'll cry when they start talking about fathers, and I prefer to grieve privately right now. Frankly, I don't care how anyone else feels about that. They're not me, they don't get to tell me how I should handle Father's Day. That was me too at the store. Except I had to go to several stores to find a good card for fil. It's not "from your daughter who grew up in your home", it's not "from both of us". I finally found a generic Father's Day card that seemed to fit. I did a good job of steering away from the husband cards. But in the generic cards was one that would have been perfect for my dh. I ALMOST completed that task without feeling miserable... |
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Post by jenjie on Jun 16, 2016 15:21:44 GMT
This year we learned on Mother's Day that we cannot celebrate it the way that we used to and that is OK. On Sunday my husband and my son are going to the baseball game to watch the Orioles play with his best friend and son. I am not going so I can just be a guys day together. Both my husband and I have lost our dads and this you're losing Phoebe we just can't celebrate Father's Day. I do have an Orioles tie for him but coincidentally the dry cleaner just ruined a tie that is very similar so it kind of all works out. Gentle hugs to you Britta. You were on my mind as I was thinking of this post earlier and forgot to tag you when I actually typed it out. It sounds like your family has a good plan for the day. |
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Rhondito
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Post by Rhondito on Jun 16, 2016 15:35:12 GMT
I think I do this in a way as well. Many of my friends post on FB a lot about their lost parent - I don't. To me, losing my dad is personal and the hurt is not something I want to share with the world. I have one dear friend who always sends me a PM or posts on my wall on the anniversary of his death. She is being thoughtful and sweet and a good friend, but I really just want to deal with it on my own, and not have a million people comment and reply because it takes me back to that awful day. I want to control the memories I have on that day, to shut them off when I can't handle anymore... and it's hard with FB notices popping up every few minutes.
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grinningcat
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Post by grinningcat on Jun 16, 2016 15:44:50 GMT
I've been doing exactly what you've suggested. Reframing Father's Day (and any other day quite frankly) to make it what I need... not what others expect. I have to admit my fuse is short with others who seem to think they know best for me (took every ounce to not punch my MIL for telling me that I "needed closure because I didn't have the right kind" which means the kind she thinks is appropriate. Thankfully the topic was changed quickly by others in the room). It's amazing how switching how switching even one tiny thing, can completely change the picture to make it more manageable. What's that saying? Something about don't think about eating the whole elephant, just take one bite at a time. I admire your restraint. I'm feeling quite "punchy" these days too. Hahaha! Thanks. I know my patience is at an all time low right now. And I knew that it would not solve anything, other than just poke the bear in an already tense situation. I'm pretty much avoiding most of the Father's Day stuff... at least the traditional stuff. The advertisements piss me off, though I have found good deals for stuff that we need around the house. |
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that's a good idea.
