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Post by mlynn on Jun 17, 2016 4:28:25 GMT
That is a tricky one. One sleepover with one kiss...I think I would leave it alone. If it is ongoing, I think (if I knew the boys well) that I might talk to the boys about appropriateness. And safety. I would really wrangle with myself try8ing to figure this one out. I DO think I would avoid outing their orientation if I could.
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likescarrots
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,879
Aug 16, 2014 17:52:53 GMT
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Post by likescarrots on Jun 17, 2016 4:46:36 GMT
I don't think you should ever out another person. Even if they are having a sleepover. Even if they are having sex. Just don't. Melissa This. Do not out these kids, it is absolutely not your place and could have terrible repercussions.
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LeaP
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,939
Location: Los Angeles, CA where 405 meets 101
Jun 26, 2014 23:17:22 GMT
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Post by LeaP on Jun 17, 2016 4:48:34 GMT
Another on the MYOB train. I have 15 and 12 year old girls. This past year has been the year of the pansexual. I just nod and listen.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 4, 2024 6:34:04 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2016 5:03:38 GMT
I'm in the MYOB camp also. I hate to get TMI but mutual masturbation amongst straight kids occurs so technically any sleep over in any demographic presents itself as an opportunity.
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PaperAngel
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,312
Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
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Post by PaperAngel on Jun 17, 2016 5:41:36 GMT
[Disclosure: I've never been in this situation as a parent, so I have no first-hand experience.] If I understand correctly, the boys are aware that you know their "secrets," & your daughter is relaying your advice to them. The boys are not coming to you directly, yet are "using" you as a surrogate adult to avoid telling their parents. IMHO this puts you in an uncomfortable position with enormous responsibility. Only the boys should speak to their own parents about their sexuality. My advice is to simply reiterate to your daughter that she should continue encouraging her friends to talk to their parents, reassure her that she can discuss her own sexuality with you any time, & do not give the boys further advice via your daughter. Best wishes...
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,394
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Jun 17, 2016 5:52:24 GMT
Mind your own beeswax.
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Post by smokeynspike on Jun 17, 2016 6:08:46 GMT
I just wanted to add to my post above suggesting you NOT out anybody, that my daughter, who is turning 13 next month has three really close friends. This entire year of 7th grade their group referred to two of the girls as "the gays" because supposedly they were lesbians (the two young ladies referred to themselves this way as well). My daughter told me this consistently all year. I took the group places lots of times and not once did I ever even think about bringing this up with the girls. That is their own business. The girls had plenty of sleepovers this year too. It wasn't my place to discuss their sexuality with anyone else, including their parents. By the time the end of the year hit, they had "broken" up and were just going to be friends. One of them liked boys now. And that was fine. They don't have to have it all figured out when they are 12 or 13. They don't need somebody to out them as a teenager and then change their familial relationships forever. I tend to always look at these types of situations as "how would I want to be treated?" I wouldn't want anyone else worrying about my sexuality and potentially changing how my own parents viewed me. Just stay out of it, I implore you. Melissa
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Dalai Mama
Drama Llama
La Pea Boheme
Posts: 6,985
Jun 26, 2014 0:31:31 GMT
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Post by Dalai Mama on Jun 17, 2016 6:49:33 GMT
Forcing another person out of the closet is f'cking evil. MYOB.
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zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
Jul 7, 2014 19:36:30 GMT
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Post by zella on Jun 17, 2016 8:04:00 GMT
This is tricky. If it was a boy and a girl having a sleepover, and you knew the kids were "dating," but the parents were oblivious, would you say something?
The only difference with 2 boys is no chance of pregnancy. They still need to know about safe sex. It may well be they are only kissing, which is TOTALLY normal behavior at 13, but you don't know.
My DD had sex at 14 on a sleepover with THE BOYS PARENTS in the next room. So yes, I think I'd say something to the mother I was close to.
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Post by mollycoddle on Jun 17, 2016 8:47:42 GMT
MYOB.
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Post by pelirroja on Jun 17, 2016 10:34:44 GMT
MYOB. Never, I repeat, NEVER out anyone, and keep in mind how young they are right now. At this age, in this generation, sexuality is way more fluid than it was in our time. (I say this as I am a mom to late teens, so I've heard it before, plus a whole lot more). Experimentation runs a full spectrum of choices now, not just random kissing and crushing, especially at the age your DD and her friends are right now. Continue to talk openly and honestly with your daughter but DO NOT give advice about B and T, not even to your daughter, not even if she pinky swears confidentiality, not even if it's just speculation. If your daughter asks what they should do, reiterate talking to the parents or ask her what SHE thinks they should do. Nod knowingly, say mmmmm. but NO ADVICE. This is something B and T need to discuss with their respective parents. My guess is the parents already know: these are theater boys, possibly prone to drama, but it's not your business to tell. And since you asked us to tell you to MYOB, please MYOB. But you already knew that, didn't you?
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Jun 17, 2016 11:44:32 GMT
You should not EVER out someone. It is not your choice. Especially children. You could do a lot of damage. You said yourself you don't know how the dad will take it. All you can do is encourage him to talk to an adult he trusts. You're totally right. I wasn't really thinking of it as outing. When I thought about what I would actually say.. I realized there is NO WAY I could have that conversation. I love these kids.. my daughter loves these kids.. I worry about how they are processing what happened in Orlando with coming to terms with their own sexuality.. I will support them as I can.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Jun 17, 2016 11:51:06 GMT
MYOB!!!! My god, what on earth do you expect to accomplish by being a tattletale to the other parents? Yes. I think you'd be a tattletale and you run the risk of completely destroying these boys. You are not responsible for outing other people, that is a personal choice for each person... you have no right to make that choice. So shut up and keep yourself out of this situation, it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. NONE.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Jun 17, 2016 11:52:38 GMT
I do love this board. No sugar coating. I will totally MYOB.
If you asked me would I out a 13 year old to his parents my answer would be HELL NO.
I have told my daughter 100 times to not get in the middle, not sure why I would have even considered doing that myself.
I would never betray the confidences of the kids by discussing this with anyone who knows them. SO the Peas are perfect!!
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Post by mollycoddle on Jun 17, 2016 11:56:18 GMT
I do love this board. No sugar coating. I will totally MYOB. If you asked me would I out a 13 year old to his parents my answer would be HELL NO. I have told my daughter 100 times to not get in the middle, not sure why I would have even considered doing that myself. I would never betray the confidences of the kids by discussing this with anyone who knows them. SO the Peas are perfect!! We are always here for you, and are never, ever sugar-coated.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Jun 17, 2016 12:01:52 GMT
MYOB!!!! My god, what on earth do you expect to accomplish by being a tattletale to the other parents? Yes. I think you'd be a tattletale and you run the risk of completely destroying these boys. You are not responsible for outing other people, that is a personal choice for each person... you have no right to make that choice. So shut up and keep yourself out of this situation, it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. NONE. Honestly, if I was the parent of these young men I would want to know because I would want to help and support them as they come to grips with their burgeoning sexuality. Because of the conversations these young people are having with each other my daughter and I have had quite a few great conversations ourselves. Sometimes people's motives are not nefarious. I worry about how hard it is to be LGBT in America, especially the south, and with what happened in Orlando, it is a scary time for anyone who is LGBT. I appreciate your response.
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Dalai Mama
Drama Llama
La Pea Boheme
Posts: 6,985
Jun 26, 2014 0:31:31 GMT
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Post by Dalai Mama on Jun 17, 2016 12:11:14 GMT
I do love this board. No sugar coating. I will totally MYOB. If you asked me would I out a 13 year old to his parents my answer would be HELL NO. I have told my daughter 100 times to not get in the middle, not sure why I would have even considered doing that myself. I would never betray the confidences of the kids by discussing this with anyone who knows them. SO the Peas are perfect!!
The other thing to think about is that you are getting this information from your daughter. They confided in her, not you and if this information gets out to their parents, their friendship will likely be irreparably damaged.
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,760
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on Jun 17, 2016 12:45:36 GMT
I am in the MYOB camp, too. It's tough! But so glad your daughter confides in you.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Jun 17, 2016 12:47:50 GMT
MYOB!!!! My god, what on earth do you expect to accomplish by being a tattletale to the other parents? Yes. I think you'd be a tattletale and you run the risk of completely destroying these boys. You are not responsible for outing other people, that is a personal choice for each person... you have no right to make that choice. So shut up and keep yourself out of this situation, it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. NONE. Honestly, if I was the parent of these young men I would want to know because I would want to help and support them as they come to grips with their burgeoning sexuality. Because of the conversations these young people are having with each other my daughter and I have had quite a few great conversations ourselves. Sometimes people's motives are not nefarious. I worry about how hard it is to be LGBT in America, especially the south, and with what happened in Orlando, it is a scary time for anyone who is LGBT. I appreciate your response. You may supportive of the LGBTQ community, their parents may not be. And it's still not your call to out anyone... whether they are a minor or an adult. As Dalai Mama said, it's just plain evil to out anyone. Regardless of the reasoning behind it. If you want to support the boys, support them, but do not ever tattle under the guise of what you would want as a parent. No matter what, you're still outing them and that's wrong.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 4, 2024 6:34:04 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2016 12:53:26 GMT
Parent of two bi sons here. First, MYOB. Second, encourage your DD to continue supporting her friends. That being said, in our house the rules are the same if your SO is male or female. No one in bedrooms, no overnights unless there is some situation. Definitely do not out any child to that child's parent(s). No matter how close you are, the child LIVES in the family dynamic and should proceed at their own pace as THEY figure things out.
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Post by secondlife on Jun 17, 2016 13:07:24 GMT
Sexual exploration at this age is very normal. I know they seem very young for this, but more boys and girls in their early teens experiment with this stuff than would say so. They are peers and it is mutual and in my opinion that makes it normal.
As a mom - yes, I would like to know. Of course I would. But I don't think that means that as a confidant it is my right to tell. These boys are not out yet and may not be ready to be all the way out. It is their story to tell.
If there were exploitation or a power issue going on - a younger boy with an older one - I would be on the phone with mom this instant. But I don't think that is the case here and therefore I don't think now is the time.
Just my opinion.
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Post by pjaye on Jun 17, 2016 13:42:33 GMT
I know you've already said you are going to stay out of it and I think that is the wisest move, this is just something additional to think about, Honestly, if I was the parent of these young men I would want to know because I would want to help and support them as they come to grips with their burgeoning sexuality. They are still so young, they don't need their parents "support" about kissing boys at that age any more than I did at 13. I would have been mortified if someone had told my parents I'd kissed a boy at 13 because they felt they "needed to know" Parents don't really need to know the play by play of every experimental contact with a partner (of any sex) at that age. They are already telling people, and seriously telling a 9yo sibling...chances are that if the parents haven't already figured it out, then the sibling will spill the beans at some stage, they aren't exactly being overly secretive about it. It seems extremely likely that they are already building up to letting their parents know and I think that needs to happen naturally and in their own time - when it feels right for either the boys OR their parents to start the discussion. Good grief...if I'd had to tell my parents I was straight...I still wouldn't have told them to this day!...and I'll bet my mother still kids herself that I'm a virgin Our relationship was pretty open about bodily functions and the practical side of sex talks, but when it came down to discussing the actual event when it pertained to me, that was something that was never discussed and still isn't. Not everyone talks about their sexuality and their sex lives with their parents, straight or gay.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Jun 17, 2016 13:56:00 GMT
Honestly, if I was the parent of these young men I would want to know because I would want to help and support them as they come to grips with their burgeoning sexuality. Because of the conversations these young people are having with each other my daughter and I have had quite a few great conversations ourselves. Sometimes people's motives are not nefarious. I worry about how hard it is to be LGBT in America, especially the south, and with what happened in Orlando, it is a scary time for anyone who is LGBT. I appreciate your response. You may supportive of the LGBTQ community, their parents may not be. And it's still not your call to out anyone... whether they are a minor or an adult. As Dalai Mama said, it's just plain evil to out anyone. Regardless of the reasoning behind it. If you want to support the boys, support them, but do not ever tattle under the guise of what you would want as a parent. No matter what, you're still outing them and that's wrong. Maybe you are not reading my posts. I have said I am going to MYOB.
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scrapaddie
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,090
Jul 8, 2014 20:17:31 GMT
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Post by scrapaddie on Jun 17, 2016 13:58:27 GMT
Big time myob!!!!
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Post by freecharlie on Jun 17, 2016 14:56:45 GMT
Stay out of it. Lots of teens experiment with the same sex. Girls do it at sleepovers without thinking they are gay.
Leave it alone.
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Post by momstime on Jun 17, 2016 15:30:48 GMT
I am so glad your daughter feels like she can trust you with such important (to her) details in her life. Kudos to you, Momma, for keeping those lines of communication open.
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Post by ilikepink on Jun 17, 2016 16:47:43 GMT
What a tough spot for all of you to be in. There are just so many things our children have to go through.
Consider yourself blessed, OP, that your daughter has such respect for you that she is sharing, and that these young men have an adult they can count on.
But, as you know, it is not your place to say anything.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Jun 17, 2016 17:11:28 GMT
You may supportive of the LGBTQ community, their parents may not be. And it's still not your call to out anyone... whether they are a minor or an adult. As Dalai Mama said, it's just plain evil to out anyone. Regardless of the reasoning behind it. If you want to support the boys, support them, but do not ever tattle under the guise of what you would want as a parent. No matter what, you're still outing them and that's wrong. Maybe you are not reading my posts. I have said I am going to MYOB. Fair enough. I had read that but this post made me wonder. Good luck.
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Post by Really Red on Jun 17, 2016 18:15:30 GMT
MYOB. Never, I repeat, NEVER out anyone, and keep in mind how young they are right now. At this age, in this generation, sexuality is way more fluid than it was in our time. (I say this as I am a mom to late teens, so I've heard it before, plus a whole lot more). Experimentation runs a full spectrum of choices now, not just random kissing and crushing, especially at the age your DD and her friends are right now. Continue to talk openly and honestly with your daughter but DO NOT give advice about B and T, not even to your daughter, not even if she pinky swears confidentiality, not even if it's just speculation. If your daughter asks what they should do, reiterate talking to the parents or ask her what SHE thinks they should do. Nod knowingly, say mmmmm. but NO ADVICE. This is something B and T need to discuss with their respective parents. My guess is the parents already know: these are theater boys, possibly prone to drama, but it's not your business to tell. And since you asked us to tell you to MYOB, please MYOB. But you already knew that, didn't you? I have been in your position. Only the two were girls and they were slightly older. I am in full agreement. You can't out someone. It is truly fraught with issues. I completely understand that as a parent you are thinking of your own child and what you'd want to know. Here is the code you should live by with your daughter: Everything is secret unless someone is going to harm themselves. That is where you have to jump in. Otherwise, you are a vault. It's good that all these kids have each other. They all sound like they are good kids and they are in the most suckiest time period of their lives. They - like the billions before them - need to get through it themselves. (even if we know we can help!!)
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