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Post by scrappintoee on Jun 19, 2016 9:21:28 GMT
I thought of this after reading the thread about what's irritating you--it's something that has alwayssss bugged me, so I'm curious what all of you have to say. **ETA: if this has happened to you, how did you handle it? I'm usually a bubbly, very friendly person, and many people say they enjoy being around me because I make them laugh---A LOT. I think sometimes, with men, it can be taken as FLIRTING; yet, in my mind, it's just fun conversation, laughter, etc---the same that I have with women! There was a specific time a few years ago where a coworker decided that because I'd spent a little more time that usual chatting with my fun work pal, there "must be something wrong with her marriage, she's talking to him even MORE tonight!" Then, as if we were best friends and she was my new confidante, she pulled me aside and quietly asked "what's going ON with you two?!" Although I could've said MANY sarcastic things, I told her the truth, which was "umm....we were having a really interesting conversation, and he said I cheered him up after a bad day because I made laugh----y'know, just like YOU, and allll our other male and female coworkers do ALL THE TIME".....  The whole thing was and IS funny.....I was and am happily married, and this particular man was fun to talk to----as were MOST of my female and male coworkers! It's just a bummer when you're innocent, but bored/ nosey people want to make it negative. |
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Post by gar on Jun 19, 2016 9:25:06 GMT
Are you asking a question, or just thinking out loud?  |
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Post by scrappintoee on Jun 19, 2016 9:27:53 GMT
@gar----Ummm, I guess I was rambling a bit, eh?  I'm curious what others consider actual FLIRTING versus just friendliness, and--- if they've been "accused" of flirting or marriage/ relationship problems just because they were overly chatty one time? |
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Post by llinin on Jun 19, 2016 9:34:15 GMT
Yes, you are flirting. I would guess you flirt a lot because you enjoy the attention. Nothing wrong with that if that's your thing. I think maybe you're a little ambivalent about it being appropriate so you explain it away as being bubbly, etc. if that makes sense. If you know it is innocent, just keep having fun and being yourself, no worries and nothing wrong with it!
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Post by gar on Jun 19, 2016 9:39:17 GMT
@gar----Ummm, I guess I was rambling a bit, eh? I'm curious what others consider actual FLIRTING versus just friendliness, and--- if they've been "accused" of flirting or marriage/ relationship problems just because they were overly chatty one time? Hmm, maybe it comes down to the unspoken stuff, the undercurrant. To me flirting is all in the eye contact that's maintained a smidge too long, paying someone particular attention even in a group, frequent touching...all things that can be innocent but can also be flirty if that's the intent. Personally I don't see any harm in a little flirting, it can be fun whether you're receiving the attention or giving it but I know not everyone feels that way. |
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hannahruth
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,615 
Location: Adelaide, Australia
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Post by hannahruth on Jun 19, 2016 9:52:14 GMT
Sounds flirty but if that is how you are ALL the time then I guess it is not.
Do you act like this all the time? That is, is this the common behaviour that you project with your husband, family or just at the vet?
I think you are treading a fine line but that is just my perspective.
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Post by scrappintoee on Jun 19, 2016 10:23:38 GMT
I agree about eye contact and touching, gar.
To answer your question, hannahruth.....Yes, I'm the same way with hubby , family, close friends, and as far as
coworkers----only the ones I LIKED / considered friends---I totally GET IT when people don't feel like chatting/ when the time isn't right for laughter, etc.
I deleted the story about
worrying that the vet MIGHT'VE thought I was flirting with him when it was nothing more than a
verbal, emotional thank you for saving our doggie's life.
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anaterra
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Jun 29, 2014 3:04:02 GMT
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Post by anaterra on Jun 19, 2016 10:36:36 GMT
I'm a flirt... full on with men n women... my husband knows how I am... he isn't worried n really has no reason to be... im a huge hugger too... i hug everyone who likes to hug... and that is flirty.. a lot of people could think i cross the line... but if u wanna flirt ill flirt...
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oldcrow
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,828
Location: Ontario,Canada
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Post by oldcrow on Jun 19, 2016 10:44:11 GMT
I agree about eye contact and touching, gar. To answer your question, hannahruth.....Yes, I'm the same way with hubby , family, close friends, and as far as coworkers----only the ones I LIKED / considered friends---I totally GET IT when people don't feel like chatting/ when the time isn't right for laughter, etc. I deleted the story about worrying that the vet MIGHT'VE thought I was flirting with him when it was nothing more than a verbal, emotional thank you for saving our doggie's life. I didn't see the vet story but it might be important when you are taking a look at yourself. How do the people you engage with perceive you? If you worried once perhaps you should have worried more than once. You act that way with hubby,family, etc but do you act that way with other people in front of hubby, family,etc. |
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oldcrow
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Post by oldcrow on Jun 19, 2016 10:47:42 GMT
Yes, you are flirting. I would guess you flirt a lot because you enjoy the attention. Nothing wrong with that if that's your thing. I think maybe you're a little ambivalent about it being appropriate so you explain it away as being bubbly, etc. if that makes sense. If you know it is innocent, just keep having fun and being yourself, no worries and nothing wrong with it! What would happen if the male co-worker misunderstood her intent and made a pass at her thinking it would be welcome. What would his new label be? |
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Deleted
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May 14, 2024 8:44:17 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2016 20:52:43 GMT
I have to agree with oldcrow. I would stop and think about what signals I might be sending, especially in work-related situations and since a coworker mentioned it. I personally think "flirting" or anything close shouldn't happen at work or with coworkers, but I am definitely a stick in the mud HR person. I've had to tell employees directly that their behavior has led to complaints. It's embarrassing for them AND me. There are times and places and work is not it.
Perception is important... from both sides.
eta: and if you have to ask, it means that you have an inkling that it might be too much/too close etc. And I would ask you to consider what that person's SO would think if they were watching without you knowing.
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Post by gmcwife1 on Jun 19, 2016 21:13:01 GMT
Yes, you are flirting. I would guess you flirt a lot because you enjoy the attention. Nothing wrong with that if that's your thing. I think maybe you're a little ambivalent about it being appropriate so you explain it away as being bubbly, etc. if that makes sense. If you know it is innocent, just keep having fun and being yourself, no worries and nothing wrong with it! We have a co-worker that has to be the center of men's attention. She loves attention, but mostly from the men |
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Post by Citygirl on Jun 19, 2016 21:23:44 GMT
I've heard the same thing from the old bats at my work. Even if I'm talking to someone about a TV show, or a WORK related question!.....it's ridiculous. Typical workplace drama/looky loo's. You must be attractive.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2016 21:35:52 GMT
I'm usually a bubbly, very friendly person, and many people say they enjoy being around me because I make them laugh---A LOT. I think sometimes, with men, it can be taken
as FLIRTING; yet, in my mind, it's just fun conversation, laughter, etc---the same that I have with women! I think you've answered your own question. |
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Post by Zee on Jun 19, 2016 22:10:49 GMT
If you think a man could take it as flirting, then I guarantee you that's how he's taking it.
I'm the most un-flirty girl in the world, so I'm not much help as to what is acceptable. For me the answer is zero because I hate men thinking there's any romantic interest.
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paget
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Jun 25, 2014 21:16:39 GMT
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Post by paget on Jun 19, 2016 22:22:56 GMT
This is going to sound judgy but I don't think any flirting is ok if either party is married. I mean what exactly is the point? The potential is way too high for the person being flirted at to take it the wrong way (and why wouldn't they- you're flirting!!!)or for either spouse to feel hurt or insecure about it. I think flirters need to figure out what's missing in their life (i.e.: why do they feel the need to flirt rather than have normal Communication) and find a more appropriate way to meet the need.
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YooHoot
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Post by YooHoot on Jun 19, 2016 22:42:41 GMT
I have to agree with oldcrow. I would stop and think about what signals I might be sending, especially in work-related situations and since a coworker mentioned it. I personally think "flirting" or anything close should happen at work or with coworkers, but I am definitely a stick in the mud HR person. I've had to tell employees directly that their behavior has led to complaints. It's embarrassing for them AND me. There are times and places and work is not it.
Perception is important... from both sides.
eta: and if you have to ask, it means that you have an inkling that it might be too much/too close etc. And I would ask you to consider what that person's SO would think if they were watching without you knowing.
This. I think flirting is normal but there are many fine lines to it. I think if people are talking about it, it might be time to reel some of that in. |
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Post by freecharlie on Jun 19, 2016 22:51:36 GMT
If I wouldn't do it in front of my husband, then I would think it would be inappropriate, but I don't always think that having a good time with a guy is flirting.
Example 1: There is a guy that we hang out with. He is my age and has similar interests. We are out with my inlaws, my husband (most of the time) and a group of people. If the guy and I were there alone, someone might think it is flirting, but I guarantee that neither of us perceive it that way.
Example 2: My best male friend and I have been accused of flirting by people who don't know us well. He is gay and in a committed relationship. I am married. Sometimes our SOs don't want to do something, so friend and I go by ourselves. We aren't dating, just hanging out together.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2016 0:54:51 GMT
If you were trying to flirt with someone, how would that look different from what you were doing?
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Post by anxiousmom on Jun 20, 2016 1:05:38 GMT
It is funny to flirt flirt flirt flirt flirt flirt.  I have the opposite problem. My mother swears that the guy at Target was flirting with me. I told her she was crazy like a loon. I can't always tell the difference between someone being nice and some one flirting with me.  The funny thing to me is how other people perceive flirting vs. being friendly. I am also one of those very friendly people-I will talk to just about anyone. It isn't flirting, I treat everyone the same way-man, woman and child. But I guess if you didn't know me you might think I had some kind of ulterior motive. In a way that makes me kind of sad because I am simply being friendly.  Sometimes I think people are forgetting what human interaction looks like. |
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Post by lancermom on Jun 20, 2016 3:09:26 GMT
I agree with the husband being present, do you still act the same way. We have a lot of different people we associate with. There is one married friend that I rely get along with. DH doesn't care for him, but he and I click. DH doesn't care that I am still friends with him. Heck if a bunch of us go out, I don't always sit by DH. I may sit by friend, or someone else. DH and I are solid and have trust. Four of us are together a lot over the summer. DH, married female, single man, and I, just the other day the single guy and I were together. A kid asked if we were married because we are always together. We laughed and when we met up with DH, he laughed.
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Post by AussieMeg on Jun 20, 2016 4:14:40 GMT
I used to work with a guy, he actually worked in another state. We became good friends. We made a pact early on that we could have fun and flirt a bit but nothing was going to come of it. I am certain that other people we worked with assumed there was more to our relationship because we were both single at the time (it was just before DSO and I got together). I don't even think we flirted at all, perhaps others thought so though. In my experience other people will always assume there is something going on if a male and female colleague are good friends and have fun together. If I wouldn't do it in front of my husband, then I would think it would be inappropriate, but I don't always think that having a good time with a guy is flirting. If you were trying to flirt with someone, how would that look different from what you were doing? Both very good points / questions. If you wouldn't act that way in front of your husband/partner, then it's quite likely that you're flirting. |
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Post by scrappintoee on Jun 21, 2016 5:55:06 GMT
It is funny to flirt flirt flirt flirt flirt flirt. I have the opposite problem. My mother swears that the guy at Target was flirting with me. I told her she was crazy like a loon. I can't always tell the difference between someone being nice and some one flirting with me. The funny thing to me is how other people perceive flirting vs. being friendly. I am also one of those very friendly people-I will talk to just about anyone. It isn't flirting, I treat everyone the same way-man, woman and child. But I guess if you didn't know me you might think I had some kind of ulterior motive. In a way that makes me kind of sad because I am simply being friendly. Sometimes I think people are forgetting what human interaction looks like. Yes!!! Exactly !!!  Also, to answer the question about my chat / laughing with my coworker that time---yes, I would be exactly the same if DH had been there. The whole thing about my coworker asking me "what's going on between you two" was her personal drama / maybe she was just bored . I think my initial question got lost in my ramblings What I wanted to ask was if YOU have been "accused" of flirting / being inappropriate when it was totally innocent on your part. How you dealt with it, etc. In my case, it was just silly of my coworker to be so dramatic, and I just ignored her |
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Post by Drew on Jun 21, 2016 7:42:00 GMT
It doesn't surprise me that you're intensely bubbly in real like because of the way you post on this board. Lots of !!!, caps, ..., emojis, etc. To be honest, I often avoid your posts because of the overload.
Some people are going to be drawn to your style, some not. It'll translate to flirting by certain people. As long as your heart's in the right place I think you're good - but please keep in mind that some will view it, and you, in a different way. Be mindful when engaging people, especially in the workplace.
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Post by secondlife on Jun 21, 2016 13:26:49 GMT
It is funny to flirt flirt flirt flirt flirt flirt. I have the opposite problem. My mother swears that the guy at Target was flirting with me. I told her she was crazy like a loon. I can't always tell the difference between someone being nice and some one flirting with me. The funny thing to me is how other people perceive flirting vs. being friendly. I am also one of those very friendly people-I will talk to just about anyone. It isn't flirting, I treat everyone the same way-man, woman and child. But I guess if you didn't know me you might think I had some kind of ulterior motive. In a way that makes me kind of sad because I am simply being friendly. Sometimes I think people are forgetting what human interaction looks like. Yes!!! Exactly !!! Also, to answer the question about my chat / laughing with my coworker that time---yes, I would be exactly the same if DH had been there. The whole thing about my coworker asking me "what's going on between you two" was her personal drama / maybe she was just bored . I think my initial question got lost in my ramblings What I wanted to ask was if YOU have been "accused" of flirting / being inappropriate when it was totally innocent on your part. How you dealt with it, etc. In my case, it was just silly of my coworker to be so dramatic, and I just ignored her I had a coworker who once accused me of flirting with a male coworker. She said I talked to him differently than I talked to anyone else in the building. I can promise that there is absolutely zero flirtation going on there - I don't flirt in general and if anything at all I was talking to him like a friend, which he is. But - she observed it. So after being tempted to show her what flirting really is, which is not a helpful response, I just made sure that I was being normal and friendly without being sort of overt about it. I mentioned it to my male coworker friend so that he knew it wasn't me being weird. We have zero chemistry, we are just interested in the same things. It's hard to be a woman and have male work friends because of this ridiculous assumption, perpetuated in part by some women, that women will fool around with any man they can find, in order to get what they want. Friends with a coworker - she just wants attention. Successful - who did she sleep with to get there. It's just gross and it's totally demeaning to women. Just terrible. Oh, sorry, I ranted. No - my advice is just be cool and go about your business. Now you know. Maybe you are acting different with that person and you don't realize it, even if it's not flirtation and is totally innocent. |
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kate
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Post by kate on Jun 21, 2016 13:33:49 GMT
I think flirting is normal but there are many fine lines to it. I think if people are talking about it, it might be time to reel some of that in.  |
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Post by anonrefugee on Jun 21, 2016 15:53:23 GMT
I've spent more time with men than women, talk to them easily. My single history showed I'm more likely to turn them into a friend than a lover. I'm equally friendly with men and women, with a naturally positive personality.
Sometimes there would be a woman who thought I was flirting. There was even one who thought my work partner and I were having an affair. His wife knew the truth. I'm sure I'll get flamed but these tended to be women who didn't have male friends, only dating possibilities. They were using a completely different scale to evaluate situations.
On the opposite sided, I missed when men were flirting with me. Missed some good opportunities!
ETA I was slow typing when you clarified your question.
My response was to look at them like they were crazy and move on. Those kind of women usually have their own issues and insecurities, different than my woman friends. Their gossipy viewpoint wasn't worth addressing - and people with suspicious minds are rarely satisfied with honest answers anyway. Like I said - they use a scale I don't understand to view the world.
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Post by Citygirl on Jun 21, 2016 17:17:10 GMT
It's hard to be a woman and have male work friends because of this ridiculous assumption, perpetuated in part by some women, that women will fool around with any man they can find, in order to get what they want. Friends with a coworker - she just wants attention. Successful - who did she sleep with to get there. It's just gross and it's totally demeaning to women. Just terrible. Yes, This! |
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Sometimes I think people are forgetting what human interaction looks like.
