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Post by kimpossible on Jun 21, 2016 15:47:05 GMT
My FIL passed away this past weekend. DH and his sister are the only surviving close family members. He lived in a senior community so there are some acquaintances locally - only about 3 extended family members and friends would come from outside the state to attend a memorial service.
Question - how long after someone passes is too long?
I'm asking because SIL is taking charge of a big memorial, my DH wants something small, intimate at his graveside. She wants to do a big shindig 6 weeks from now!
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freebird
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Jun 25, 2014 20:06:48 GMT
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Post by freebird on Jun 21, 2016 15:48:44 GMT
6 weeks is way too long IMO. In a week is what's done here. 10 days would be a long time.
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lindas
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Jun 26, 2014 5:46:37 GMT
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Post by lindas on Jun 21, 2016 15:55:16 GMT
6 weeks is a bit extensive. My cousin's wife passéd away 2/11 and had her memorial was on 3/5 so about 3 weeks later.
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Post by realm on Jun 21, 2016 15:55:20 GMT
I don't think it matters- whatever the family needs and wants is good. I've recently had some extended family members pass and neither wanted a traditional funeral. In both cases the memorials were held 3-4 months after their deaths.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jun 21, 2016 16:02:19 GMT
With a big family, I've seen all varieties. If it's a more traditional funeral - particularly with graveside services, a week is pretty typical. But I have to say that's becoming a whole lot more rare. We've seen lots of memorials or celebrations of life that are a good 6 months to even a year after the death. Sometimes it's because family is spread out and/or obligations make it easier to plan something in the future - sometimes the immediate family just wants a bit more distance from the actual death. We had a completely non-traditional Hawaiian themed party for my aunt about 4 months after she passed away. She would have detested a funeral. She loved Hawaii, so we roasted a pig in the back yard and ate Mai Tais and told stories about her. I think whatever the immediate family wants is fine. With cremation becoming more the norm, an immediate burial is becoming a non-issue.
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christinec68
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Jun 26, 2014 18:02:19 GMT
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Post by christinec68 on Jun 21, 2016 16:10:48 GMT
I am sorry for your loss.
I think a memorial can be whenever it works best for the immediate family. My friend had one for her mother a couple of months after she passed away. Can you have the graveside service your husband wants and let your SIL do her thing later on?
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Post by mellowyellow on Jun 21, 2016 16:14:25 GMT
First of all, I am sorry for your loss.
I guess it would depend on if he's cremated. If not, would a funeral home hold his body for 6 weeks?
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Post by jenjie on Jun 21, 2016 16:17:35 GMT
I'm so sorry for the passing of your father in law.
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Post by ilikepink on Jun 21, 2016 16:18:21 GMT
My Dad died on April 4, in Florida. I'm in GA, but the rest of the family is in NJ. We had him buried in Arlington National Cemetery (He's a WWII vet), but that was going to take up to 6 months for the interment. His birthday is June 14 (which last year was on a Sunday and father's day as well), so we had a memorial in NJ on that day. When we got word from the VA, we met in DC in August for those services. It did seem a little dragged out, but it honored him, gave our family a good celebration of his life, so it worked for us.
Whatever works well for your family is fine.
ETA: I'm so sorry for your loss - it's never easy.
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Post by kimpossible on Jun 21, 2016 16:19:19 GMT
First of all, I am sorry for your loss. I guess it would depend on if he's cremated. If not, would a funeral home hold his body for 6 weeks? Thank you - yes, he is being cremated.
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Post by librarylady on Jun 21, 2016 16:22:09 GMT
Condolences on your loss. Anything goes for the service. Many around here have private burial for family and schedule service at least 30 days so family can get better rate on flights.
Recently a family had grandmother die on Thanksgiving, but memorial was in March when roads were thawed for relatives who had to drive to airpirt.
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grinningcat
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Post by grinningcat on Jun 21, 2016 16:23:03 GMT
My father passed away last September. We have yet to do a formal memorial. So is that too long? Not as far as we are concerned. Those of us closest to him have remembered him daily, there has not been a need for anything formal. We may do something this summer, closer to his birthday, if we feel that it's something we feel is right.
I was recently told that my family was "doing it wrong" and that "we needed the appropriate closure" because we "haven't had it yet". The topic was quickly changed as my DH saw that I was either going to lose my mind or punch his mother for that comment, but I feel it was completely inappropriate. Closure does not always equate a memorial or funeral. It's different for everyone, every family. I don't believe there is or should be a time limit on whether they happen or not.
Since they are for the living, it should be at a time that works for the living.
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basketdiva
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Post by basketdiva on Jun 21, 2016 16:23:04 GMT
My Mom was cremated and we did not have a private memerial at my house until September. Worked fine for us since by then her apartment was cleaned out and we were able to share her collection of porcelain dolls with those that wanted one.
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Post by padresfan619 on Jun 21, 2016 16:23:06 GMT
I'm sorry for your loss. When my grandmother died she was cremated and we waited around 6-8 weeks. My mom just couldn't handle doing it before then. The length of time did not change the amount of people who attended. We did not do a service in a church, we hosted people at her country club for a luncheon. My grandmother had issues with funerals so that also played a part, we didn't even have one for my grandfather because she was so against it.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jun 21, 2016 16:23:38 GMT
I think you could really do both - if your husband would really like to have an intimate service at the graveside now, I don't think that would at all preclude a larger celebration in 6 weeks.
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Deleted
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Jun 8, 2024 6:18:15 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2016 16:26:35 GMT
Honestly, I think anything that's more than 2 weeks away is too long. My grandma passed away late Jan. We didn't have a memorial until mid-March because we had to wait for one aunt who had surgery and couldn't travel and my mother didn't want to cut her FL trip short. As a result, many people forgot. What really pissed me off was that she cut her trip short anyways when a friend of theirs passed away. My aunt's all clear came during my parents' trip but we still had to wait for mid-march because it was all about my Mom and her schedule.
Waiting 6 weeks is selfish.
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Post by bc2ca on Jun 21, 2016 16:30:07 GMT
IME, most memorials take place within a couple of weeks of the death. I have seen a funeral/cremation take place with a memorial service at a much later date because of logistics of getting family members there and/or if ashes are being spread at a destination spot.
ETA my condolences.
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craftykitten
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Jun 26, 2014 7:39:32 GMT
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Post by craftykitten on Jun 21, 2016 16:33:54 GMT
Honestly, I think anything that's more than 2 weeks away is too long. My grandma passed away late Jan. We didn't have a memorial until mid-March because we had to wait for one aunt who had surgery and couldn't travel and my mother didn't want to cut her FL trip short. As a result, many people forgot. What really pissed me off was that she cut her trip short anyways when a friend of theirs passed away. My aunt's all clear came during my parents' trip but we still had to wait for mid-march because it was all about my Mom and her schedule. Waiting 6 weeks is selfish. I try to give people a pass on 'selfish' when someone has died. It depends WHY you are waiting, imo, but if it's so that people can make the date, or because they need time to come to terms with it, then I don't think it matters how long it takes. On the other hand, the family who has someone die and then just 'couldn't be bothered' to arrange a funeral? That was selfish. (A situation where they lived in social housing and in the end the funeral director rang us to try and get the family to sort something out because they stopped returning his calls.) Sorry for your loss.
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Deleted
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Jun 8, 2024 6:18:15 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2016 16:40:37 GMT
So sorry about your loss. When my father died, my mom had just had major surgery that morning. We waited about 3 months until she was fully recovered before having a memorial service. It didn't feel like too long to us, and nobody complained about the wait.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Jun 21, 2016 16:42:41 GMT
I am sorry for your loss. I think a memorial can be whenever it works best for the immediate family. My friend had one for her mother a couple of months after she passed away. Can you have the graveside service your husband wants and let your SIL do her thing later on? This!! I think a burial needs to be soon.. a memorial can be whenever it works for the family.
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Post by kimpossible on Jun 21, 2016 17:08:20 GMT
It's a touchy subject and I'm trying to support my DH and offer my opinion to him - but stay clear of communicating it to SIL who is a bossy boss.
My MIL passed away 8 months ago and SIL likes to be bossy boss - but does nothing to help with the actual day of arrangements. Meaning us "grunts" get to do it all.
So, we will grin and bear it for one more time given it will be the last time we will have to deal with it.
Reason for delay - SIL is taking a 3 week vacation from work off and doesn't want the memorial to interfere with her vacation. Where is she going that she doesn't want the memorial to interfere? No where - staying at home...yep. In her words to DH, "its my vacation, I earned it."
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Post by kimpossible on Jun 21, 2016 17:11:56 GMT
By the way - thanks all for the comments and suggestions, its appreciated!
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Post by scrapmaven on Jun 21, 2016 17:13:04 GMT
In my religion we bury w/in 24-48 hours. So, I'm not a good one to ask. Would waiting a long time make it harder on the family?
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Post by freecharlie on Jun 21, 2016 17:15:39 GMT
Dh's grandma died about a week before christmas. They did her memorial in April.
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Post by peasapie on Jun 21, 2016 17:15:51 GMT
We just went to a memorial for someone who went missing in November and whose body was found in February. (He drowned.) The memorial was in June.
It seemed a little long to me, but I don't think there is actually a time limit on these things.
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kate
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Post by kate on Jun 21, 2016 17:17:47 GMT
Can you have the graveside service your husband wants and let your SIL do her thing later on? This sounds like an ideal solution.
at your SIL's refusal to interrupt her staycation!
ETA I have done a LOT of funerals and memorial services. Often, a family will have a memorial service long after the death if the deceased was buried out of state. In the case of a prominent person in one parish, the funeral mass was held in the deceased's hometown, but the parish wanted to do a huge memorial with special guests, reception, etc. - it took quite awhile to get it all together, so it took place long after the death. It was within a year, though.
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Post by 950nancy on Jun 21, 2016 17:18:45 GMT
My father's memorial service was 5 months after he passed away. Way too long to wait. Apparently February is a bad month to pass away. Too cold. Ugh.
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Post by craftsbycarolyn on Jun 21, 2016 17:21:13 GMT
First of all, I am sorry for your loss. I guess it would depend on if he's cremated. If not, would a funeral home hold his body for 6 weeks? I don't think she means a funeral, just a memorial. Save
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Post by khaleesi on Jun 21, 2016 17:36:16 GMT
I am so sorry for your loss.
Each family, friend circle, and situation is different. In my family, it's common to have a funeral the same week someone dies if they are being buried. If they are being cremated, usually 3-4 weeks. My Uncle passed in March and elected to be cremated. His memorial was held just shy of 3 weeks later in April. That was a huge help to me and some others who had time to make travel arrangements and fly in. My Grandma passed a month ago and her wishes were to be buried. Her funeral was a week from the day she passed. I had to do some scrambling but was fortunate enough to be able to get out there to help my Dad with arrangements less than 24 hours after she passed (it was unexpected). My FIL's memorial was 2ish weeks after he passed.
A dear friend of mine is in Colorado right now with her family for her Grandfather's memorial. He passed right around Thanksgiving and the family elected to have a memorial in June to give everyone enough time to travel out there.
I would see nothing wrong with an intimate graveside service for family and close friends and then a memorial at a later date. You just do what is right for you.
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Post by mimi3566 on Jun 21, 2016 17:44:56 GMT
I don't think there is a right answer.
When my dad passed away, my mom had him cremated, but the plans were to have his urn put in a niche in a not yet ready national cemetery. It was going to be another 6 months before that part of the cemetery was going to be ready so my mom decided to have a small funeral at the time of his death with only a few of the family members that could attend at that time since most of the family would have to come from out of state...then we had a memorial service with all of the family which also included some friends 6 months later when the cemetery was ready to host such services.
It was very nice to do it this way since his passing was sudden, just before Christmas and not many could travel and attend. The way we did it made it easier for a lot of people to plan and actually pay my dad his last respects.
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