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May 14, 2024 2:45:05 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2016 17:49:50 GMT
My FIL passed away this past weekend. DH and his sister are the only surviving close family members. He lived in a senior community so there are some acquaintances locally - only about 3 extended family members and friends would come from outside the state to attend a memorial service. Question - how long after someone passes is too long? I'm asking because SIL is taking charge of a big memorial, my DH wants something small, intimate at his graveside. She wants to do a big shindig 6 weeks from now! No reason both can't be done. a MEMORIAL is not the same as a funeral/burial service. The body is not normally present at a memorial service... it is about the memories. So have a small intimate burial service soon (here it is normally done on the third day after death unless the third day is a Sunday then they try to either do it on the Saturday before or the Monday after.) A memorial service could be any time up to a year later. What ever works for the majority of the family/friends or the weather. |
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Post by blueswede on Jun 21, 2016 18:12:43 GMT
I think you should do whatever the family wants. It took me six weeks before I could hold my sister's celebration of life because we had to travel to Southern California. Then we had the local memorial at a church, and that was probably eight weeks after death. There was a lot of preparations, and it took time to get everything done and get everyone's schedules coordinated. It depends on how complicated you want to make it. We have had simple church services done within a week.
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Sue
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,234 
Location: SE of Portland, Oregon
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Post by Sue on Jun 21, 2016 18:14:30 GMT
My brother passed away on May 31st. He was cremated and there will be a military service and interment of part of his ashes at a national cemetery next week. In September we are holding a memorial service and burial of the rest of his ashes near our mother in our hometown cemetery. This is what he wanted. I think whatever suits your family and is within keeping of the wishes of the deceased is fine. I'm very sorry for your loss.
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Post by lucyg on Jun 21, 2016 18:15:59 GMT
My dad's memorial service was about six weeks after his passing. I don't see it as a problem. But if it's a problem by your DH, then that's what matters.
ETA and I am sorry for your family's loss. Sorry I didn't say so up front.
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Post by epeanymous on Jun 21, 2016 18:21:18 GMT
I am sorry for your loss.
My husband's grandfather's memorial was seven or eight months after he died. I see pluses and minuses in waiting:
On the plus side, everyone was able to come. Our family is scattered across the country, and most people work and have kids. By waiting until summer (he died in November), we were able to have a long weekend event in a pretty place that was beloved by his grandfather (their summer home in a place that is gross in winter), and the memorial service itself was well-organized. It can be prohibitively expensive and logistically impossible for attendees to travel on short notice.
On the negative side, to the extent that events like this bring closure but (and?) planning the event is itself a source of grief and stress, dragging out the process drags out the misery. Dh's grandfather's kids had a lot of the arguing, acting irrationally, etc. that you often associate with memorials and funerals, but it went on for weeks and months rather than days.
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Post by cadoodlebug on Jun 21, 2016 18:24:41 GMT
I've been to memorial services all over the board. Within a week of the person's passing and as far out as 3 or 4 months. Whatever works best for the family.
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Post by anniefb on Jun 21, 2016 18:31:24 GMT
I don't think it matters- whatever the family needs and wants is good. I've recently had some extended family members pass and neither wanted a traditional funeral. In both cases the memorials were held 3-4 months after their deaths. And it depends on the time of year too. Good family friends (my godmother's family) lost their son in the winter and wanted to have a memorial party - they chose to wait several months until the weather improved and they could have it outdoors. I don't think it matters. |
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artbabe
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,041
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Post by artbabe on Jun 21, 2016 18:41:20 GMT
I'm not going to dictate how others grieve. Whatever works for those left behind is fine.
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Post by disneypal on Jun 21, 2016 20:02:00 GMT
Personally, I think a memorial service should be fairly close to the time of the person's passing (a week or two) but I have been to memorial services that were month's after...not sure why but I assume there was a good reason.
Is the SIL, your DH's sister or his SIL too. If it is his sister and that was her father too, then I guess I would say, let her take charge and handle it. Maybe it is what she needs - 6 weeks is a bit long IMO but not unreasonable.
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Post by secondlife on Jun 21, 2016 20:22:57 GMT
My brother - we had to wait over two weeks for his memorial because of his autopsy and because we had a family member who couldn't get away from work (a pastor) to get here to participate before then. At the time it was terrible but in hindsight I was in a hurry to put it behind me and it was important that we wait.
My grandmother - almost five months between her death and her memorial. She was cremated and we transported her ashes out of state for burial and held a memorial during a family reunion.
My uncle - four days. No autopsy, no out of town relatives. Just cremation and a memorial.
I used to coordinate funerals for a large church and it was all over the map. Some people felt the burial needed to occur on the third day no matter what, others were beholden to the schedule of the cemetery. We did a lot of burials at Arlington and it was very common to wait a long time for a burial date and have a memorial service and then a separate burial. I think you do what you need to do.
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Post by llinin on Jun 21, 2016 21:26:41 GMT
Sorry for your loss. In this particular case, I think your SIL is being extremely self absorbed! A staycation trumps services? Ugh!
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Country Ham
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,313
Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
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Post by Country Ham on Jun 21, 2016 21:48:57 GMT
I would actually like to see a longer wait time. Sometimes everything happens so fast nothing is processed. Loved one drops dead in the middle of the night, a few hours later you are making plans, next day is a viewing etc. A good friend of mine lost an aunt to cancer. It was expected. As per her wishes the service was held 2 months after she died. She knew she was dying right around the time of a nieces wedding, the birth of a child etc. She just didn't want them to fit a funeral in and around all those occasions. She was lucid and made her desires known. Family had time to say goodbye. It was a great celebration of life as there was time to process everything. Of course that's JMHO and and some folks just want things over with fast.
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Post by kimpossible on Jun 21, 2016 22:50:22 GMT
Personally, I think a memorial service should be fairly close to the time of the person's passing (a week or two) but I have been to memorial services that were month's after...not sure why but I assume there was a good reason. Is the SIL, your DH's sister or his SIL too. If it is his sister and that was her father too, then I guess I would say, let her take charge and handle it. Maybe it is what she needs - 6 weeks is a bit long IMO but not unreasonable. Yes, it is my DH's sister. He is very much willing to turn it all over to her to take care of. |
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Post by anonrefugee on Jun 21, 2016 23:00:16 GMT
I'm sorry for your loss.
My family just had one over Memorial Day Weekend, about four months after the death. It was best time for her family to travel to their hometown and all corners of the country. If anyone had a criticism they were polite enough to hold their opinion.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,612
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jun 21, 2016 23:13:18 GMT
Not a situation where I would ever judge a family. If they want to do it the next day, week, month or year, I'm fine with that.
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Deleted
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May 14, 2024 2:45:06 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2016 23:47:11 GMT
The 3 day funeral/memorial was done because you needed to bury the body quickly.
Now it is a thing of the past! BUT anyone in the funeral business will push for the 3 day limit. They can intimidate the family into buying services that are way to expensive and seriously who needs a 10,000 coffin?
Don't forget all the travel arrangements. ... Airlines rarely discount for funerals anymore
Do the cremation, or the burial , then set a time when it is possible for the family to get together.
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Post by chaosisapony on Jun 22, 2016 0:35:06 GMT
My family tends to do them at a convenient date in the future that holds meaning. One grandma passed away in October and we had her service on the following mothers day. Another Grandma passed away in November and her ash scattering/service was held the following June.
My family likes doing it this way as its easier on those traveling, there is time to make plans, and the time makes it easier to keep the memorial a positive celebration of life as opposed to being filled with sadness. It works for us.
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Post by lisae on Jun 22, 2016 1:09:07 GMT
I went to one that was at least 6 weeks after the wife passed away. The husband had passed and then she had surgery right afterwards and never fully recovered dying a few weeks after he did. It was close to Thanksgiving so the family just waited until January. I'm not sure the reason they waited so long after she passed but it was what they wanted. I was surprised at how difficult it still was for me but then I still miss her and it has been 10 years now so I don't think any length of time would have worked well.
We also had a memorial for my aunt about 3 months after. She didn't live her and her regular memorial service was where she lived. The one here was for family that could not travel, mainly my Dad and his brother. The reason for the long delay in this case was that my Dad's oldest sister died and her funeral ended up being the same weekend we had originally planned for his youngest sister.
There are no right answers.
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Post by txdancermom on Jun 22, 2016 1:17:45 GMT
With my sister, she died in mid June, we had a service for her in late July, when my step mother passed, we delayed the memorial service for 3 weeks, in part due to my ds's wedding which was the weekend after. That was in November. A 2nd service was held in April in her hometown when we interred her ashes.
Similar situation with dad, although his service in city where they lived was the week after he passed (december), we interred his ashes in his hometown in May.
There was a family at church that didn't have a memorial service until several months after the woman passed away for various reasons.
Personally, I think it is up to the family, especially if family has to travel a distance to get to the service.
in all of the above cases, the remains were cremated, so dealing with the remains was not a major issue.
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