dantemia
Full Member
Posts: 306
Jun 27, 2014 19:28:17 GMT
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Post by dantemia on Jul 4, 2016 18:16:24 GMT
www.howtoraiseanadult.com/I had the pleasure of hearing her speak and she is spot on. She was the Freshman Dean at Stanford and she talked about helicopter parents and the importance of letting your children fail sometimes to learn.
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Post by gorgeouskid on Jul 4, 2016 19:39:47 GMT
During the parent seminars, DH and I were talking about how our parents weren't involved AT ALL in our orientation or class registration. I drove 9 hours with a girlfriend to my first orientation (my first time ever driving outside my smallish hometown, through a big city, and before the time of GPS and cell phones). I had to figure everything out on my own. When I went to university orientation, I booked my flight, borrowed luggage, packed, flew to LAX, took the bus, and walked a mile from the bus stop to my dorm all on my own. No cell phones, no credit cards, no luggage on wheels. I think I had $40 cash on me for the three days. Seriously, we are doing our children a major disservice if we do everything for them (barring special needs.)
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,598
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jul 4, 2016 19:56:09 GMT
When my oldest went to college, a mom slept on her daughter's dorm room floor for the first day of school to make sure her daughter could find her classes. Oh my. Did that poor girl have a roommate? I would assume so. My daughter told me about it, but I don't know the other details. She was a freshman with my daughter.
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Peal
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,524
Jun 25, 2014 22:45:40 GMT
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Post by Peal on Jul 4, 2016 19:56:38 GMT
I think part of it may be that 20+ years ago when I went to school it was an expensive lesson to learn if you failed out of college, but you could recoup the loss. I was only spending about $550 a semester to go full time. Now, it can be potentially financially devastating to fail out of college. I can see why parents are so involved in their children's experience, many can't afford for them to screw this up.
We are sending our first to college this fall and we want to help him be successful. I had so little guidance when I was in school both from family and the university itself that it really was a miserable experience for me where I felt like I was treading water waiting to drown. I don't want that for my son. I'm not going to do things for him, but I'm going to be available for help if he needs it. And I'm absolutely not going to involve myself with his professors. I can't imagine how that would even go.
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paigepea
Drama Llama
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Posts: 5,609
Location: BC, Canada
Jun 26, 2014 4:28:55 GMT
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Post by paigepea on Jul 4, 2016 20:09:32 GMT
My mom insists that parenting hasn't changed but that labelling parents has become a fad. I wish parents weren't labelled or criticized so much.
I worked with university students as a mentor one year and I received some parent calls. I just explained That they could have their student call me if he/she had a question. The parents were really just trying to help their kids. It all seemed innocent to me.
I try to teach my girls to speak for themselves but sometimes I need to model the behaviour / conversation so they know what to do when they're older. Or sometimes we role play at home. It could be that some parents need guidance with this. Too bad this professor didn't teach / guide instead of point out all of the wrong things to do in a condescending / critical way. That's what labelling feels like to me.
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Post by peasapie on Jul 4, 2016 20:24:48 GMT
That's an interesting idea. I've been thinking about it while I lay in the beach in the sun LOl.
I think there have always been parents like this, don't you? Particularly parents who are well-connected, either financially or in certain circles, like movie and tv for example. How many involved in that arena today had their way paved by the connections their parents had? And I know of many kids whose parents knew someone on the stock exchange or in banking and who helped their kids by paving the way. Sort of the same as plowing I guess? Or is it a different meaning?
I thinks it's the less wealthy who didn't have this advantage and had to make their own way, in general. But even blue collar workers could get their kids into a particular Union where outsiders couldn't.
I think so many parents help their children nowadays that those whose parents don't have the ability to do can be at quite a disadvantage, other than learning a lesson from the school of hard knocks.
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PLurker
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Posts: 9,739
Location: Behind the Cheddar Curtain
Jun 28, 2014 3:48:49 GMT
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Post by PLurker on Jul 4, 2016 21:39:37 GMT
When my oldest went to college, a mom slept on her daughter's dorm room floor for the first day of school to make sure her daughter could find her classes. Yikes! I don't know who would be more mortified to find me on kid's dorm floor, kid or me. I'd have to assume it would have happened after I hit my head. Hard.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jul 4, 2016 21:49:49 GMT
I simply do not have the time or inclination to be that kind of parent. My two kids are very independent and always have been I can't imagine they'd be ok with that kind of involvement from me either. I have always been the learn from natural consequences kind of mom. Got me some dirty looks when I wouldn't battle with a four year old to put his coat on in the winter. But hey a couple of times he got so cold at recess he decided it was worth it to listen to mom. I have always allowed my kids to make mistakes. I make a lot of them myself.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Jul 4, 2016 21:59:18 GMT
When my oldest went to college, a mom slept on her daughter's dorm room floor for the first day of school to make sure her daughter could find her classes. wow.
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PLurker
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,739
Location: Behind the Cheddar Curtain
Jun 28, 2014 3:48:49 GMT
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Post by PLurker on Jul 4, 2016 22:01:30 GMT
I simply do not have the time or inclination to be that kind of parent. My two kids are very independent and always have been I can't imagine they'd be ok with that kind of involvement from me either. I have always been the learn from natural consequences kind of mom. Got me some dirty looks when I wouldn't battle with a four year old to put his coat on in the winter. But hey a couple of times he got so cold at recess he decided it was worth it to listen to mom. I have always allowed my kids to make mistakes. I make a lot of them myself. You get "smarter" sooner that way, too. The "mom knew what she was talking about"s come sooner that way!
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jul 4, 2016 22:05:38 GMT
I simply do not have the time or inclination to be that kind of parent. My two kids are very independent and always have been I can't imagine they'd be ok with that kind of involvement from me either. I have always been the learn from natural consequences kind of mom. Got me some dirty looks when I wouldn't battle with a four year old to put his coat on in the winter. But hey a couple of times he got so cold at recess he decided it was worth it to listen to mom. I have always allowed my kids to make mistakes. I make a lot of them myself. You get "smarter" sooner that way, too. The "mom knew what she was talking about"s come sooner that way! I just wonder about the kind of child that would allow such a parent. Maybe I have very strong willed children but my kids would never stand for that kind of treatment. They have never been the type to tolerate micromanaging. I choose my moments to put my foot down very carefully. I give a lot of advice and do a lot of listening. But my kids have always been independent.
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~Lauren~
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,876
Jun 26, 2014 3:33:18 GMT
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Post by ~Lauren~ on Jul 4, 2016 23:39:30 GMT
I took my oldest to college, helped her move in, made her bed, gave her a hug and a kiss, held her while she sobbed, then got in the car and drove away. I listened to her the 1st year when she had roommate issues and gave advice, she lost the roommate lottery bad. The next year I did the same, but no sobbing and an awesome roommate of her choice. This summer I helped her pack for her study abroad trip. We only requested that she make contact at least once a week. Surprisingly enough, she has found her way and is a remarkable young woman who sets and meets goals. You kids might just suprise you when you let them do it on their own. My goal has always been to raise idenpendant, strong, and capable kids. So far I am 2 for 3 one more to go. You're my hero. I did the same with my kids. I can't help but think that many who believe they are offering a "helping hand" are precisely the type of parents the colleges are speaking to. If the kid is old enough and smart enough to go to college, he's old enough and mature enough to figure out how to register, what classes to take, meet with an advisor, live in a dorm, talk to professors etc without Mommy's intervention. If he can't do those things, then he's not ready for college.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 2, 2024 8:21:51 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2016 23:50:00 GMT
My parents did this to my brother. He could not make a decision without them.
And he thinks I am the loser
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Post by hop2 on Jul 4, 2016 23:53:27 GMT
I wonder what the heck kind of parents we are? We dropped DD off at the curb for an overnight orientation. Literally. At the curb. Then drove off and picked her up the next day. There was no parking. I think the university planned it that way. There was a couple of people at the edge of the walk with an alphabetical list checked her off and told her which door to go to and shut the car door behind her. That was obviously the signal for us to drive off.
I've never heard of parents going to orientation. Accepted student day was all of us but after that parents were clearly not expected or wanted.
We stopped calling/writing/emailing for them between 6&7 grades unless it escalated beyond what they could handle or the school called.
I can't imagine calling my DD's boss. Lol don't even know what id say?
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Post by hop2 on Jul 4, 2016 23:57:23 GMT
I think part of it may be that 20+ years ago when I went to school it was an expensive lesson to learn if you failed out of college, but you could recoup the loss. I was only spending about $550 a semester to go full time. Now, it can be potentially financially devastating to fail out of college. I can see why parents are so involved in their children's experience, many can't afford for them to screw this up. We are sending our first to college this fall and we want to help him be successful. I had so little guidance when I was in school both from family and the university itself that it really was a miserable experience for me where I felt like I was treading water waiting to drown. I don't want that for my son. I'm not going to do things for him, but I'm going to be available for help if he needs it. And I'm absolutely not going to involve myself with his professors. I can't imagine how that would even go. There's definitely a huge difference in cost. My entire education was 1/2 what DD's is per year!!
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Post by wallyagain on Jul 5, 2016 0:55:14 GMT
There's a difference between helping out if asked and doing everything for the student. Anyone that's in the work force has come across those kids, they can't do anything on their own, no critical thinking skills, need to be babysat about everything. Those parents are not helping their kids long term.
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Post by txdancermom on Jul 5, 2016 1:04:36 GMT
I think they have been around for a long while, we just now have a name for them.
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~Lauren~
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,876
Jun 26, 2014 3:33:18 GMT
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Post by ~Lauren~ on Jul 5, 2016 1:17:36 GMT
I think they have been around for a long while, we just now have a name for them. I don't know. I never saw any of my friends parents doing any of the things you see done today. I went to college in the 70s. We saw very few parents hauling stuff into the dorms let alone sticking around or talking to the administration. I think this phenomena began in the 80's and got progressively worse until it got to the point that colleges actually had to have to tell parents to back off and let their kids grow up
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Post by 950nancy on Jul 5, 2016 1:18:07 GMT
My kids did not want any help with sports, school, or life in general by junior high. Apparently that did not include food or chauffeuring. It was kind of nice to sit back and watch them grow. Their aunt is the opposite of me and my boys are horrified for their cousins. Plow mom for sure.
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Post by 950nancy on Jul 5, 2016 1:19:49 GMT
I think they have been around for a long while, we just now have a name for them. I taught for three decades and definitely think that these parents are coming out in much larger numbers. Parents used to believe in consequences and making amends, now more parents are all about junior never feeling bad about anything.
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Post by karen on Jul 5, 2016 1:25:56 GMT
I saw a article on this the other day ... They called them "Lawnmower Parents" interesting indeed. I've heard this term also.
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mlana
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,523
Jun 27, 2014 19:58:15 GMT
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Post by mlana on Jul 5, 2016 1:32:37 GMT
I would gladly do anything within my power to make me kids' lives easier, but I decided when they were small that the best thing I could do for them was teach them how to handle their own problems. Both were taught to talk to their doctors when we went for a visit, and by the time the were teens, they were making their own doctor's appointments. Same with banking; they both opened checking accounts at a young age and were held responsible for keeping them in the black.
My DS chose not to go to college; instead, he interned with our company and worked with our business until he and his gf moved to where her family lived. He got a dose of reality there when it took him almost 2 years to find a steady job, but he worked odd jobs to make money until he found more stable work. Luckily for him, DH and I had insisted that he pass a number of certifications before he got any raises as having those really helped him in his job search.
DD knew she would go to college from the first time she heard about it. She is very focused, almost too much sometimes, and she is more likely to need someone to blow off some steam with than to need someone to interfere on her behalf. Since she started college in 2013, I have spoken with one of her advisors once, and then only because DD was in China and couldn't get any of her emails thru to this person. DD sent me a note via WeChat for this advisor; I contacted the advisor, read the note, answered a few questions to clarify some of the details in the note, then thanked her and hung up. That was the full extent of my involvement.
DD knows that I am a fixer by nature. When she calls to blow off some steam, she prefaces her bitching with "just listen, Mom, ok? I don't really want you to fix this; I just want you to listen while I talk it out." She has no clue how hard that is to do!!
Marcy
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Post by Merge on Jul 5, 2016 1:35:12 GMT
Yes, college is more expensive today. But if your kid isn't mature enough to make it without constant parental help at an expensive four-year school, they should attend community or junior college first.
Of course, that isn't acceptable in a lot of circles - the expectation is that every child is gifted, exceptional and bound for an elite school. And if it turns out the kid is just average, well, the parents will do the work for them.
I think what a lot of parents forget is that no one opportunity or chance to succeed is the only one that child will ever have. Failing a class or even flunking out of school does not mean life is over. That kind of attitude leads to kids who cannot handle any setback. We need to be teaching our kids a growth mindset instead of a winning mindset.
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Post by gmcwife1 on Jul 5, 2016 3:29:11 GMT
It doesn't end in college. My BFF arranges all the travel for interviews, interns, and new hires in our very large company. She has received calls from mothers (!) wanting to make the arrangements. No it does not Sadly many of these parents that are just helping through middle school, high school, college, don't know when or how to pull back and keep "helping" well into their children's jobs and marriages. Which of course is usually no longer helping, but many of them can't see that clearly and continue to have reasons why they need to carry on.
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Post by auntkelly on Jul 5, 2016 5:48:02 GMT
I've taught at a community college for 9 years and I have only had one parent ever contact me, and that was to let me know her child was hospitalized with a serious illness. I thought that was a perfectly legitimate reason for contacting me.
Maybe I've just been extremely fortunate, but sometimes I wonder if there really are that many parents who are running interference for their college aged kids as we are lead to believe.
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Post by Tamhugh on Jul 5, 2016 13:20:41 GMT
I think they have been around for a long while, we just now have a name for them. I don't know. I never saw any of my friends parents doing any of the things you see done today. I went to college in the 70s. We saw very few parents hauling stuff into the dorms let alone sticking around or talking to the administration. I think this phenomena began in the 80's and got progressively worse until it got to the point that colleges actually had to have to tell parents to back off and let their kids grow up When I went to college in the early 80's, parents didn't do the hauling because we had an orientation team of older students who met the freshmen at the curb and unloaded the car. When my boys started college (can it really be 8 years since the first one went?), we had to pull up to the sidewalk, dump everything out, and then go and find parking. One person had to stay with all of the stuff while the student went to register for the dorm and wait in line for a huge bucket on wheels to move things in. They both went to a very urban college so it was a different setting, but there was no one to help unload anything. My kids tell me I was overprotective, but not a helicopter mom. I only ever stepped in with a teacher once, and that was after getting a phone call from both the guidance counselor and another teacher that I needed to do so. However, we did expect the boys to sign the release form for us to know their grades. They knew that we were paying every penny of their education with the understanding that grades were to be good. Having access to their semester grades seemed like a pretty small price to pay in exchange.
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Post by gotranch on Jul 5, 2016 15:13:05 GMT
I have three dds and they all needed/will need a different level of parental involvement. Dd1 has graduated college and needed some advice here and there but navigated it mostly by herself. I made sure to back off (not me being pushy but her wanting me to help) because I knew she needed to learn and gain confidence. This dd blossomed in college and became much more independent - it was great to see. Dd2 is heading to college this fall to live on campus (she completed her associate degree already). Dd will likely need a lot of assistance as she has anxiety, ADHD, and is on the spectrum. She doesn't appear to have any issues so I can see that people will think I am a lawnmower parent but oh well. Dd3 will be heading off to college in 2017. She wants to go to school across the country. After I drop her off I wouldn't be surprised to not see that child until she graduates and she will excel. Polka-Dot-Pea, I think you are my twin! I have 3 dds and have almost the same situation that you described. Each child's needs are different and I want to be there to support them if needed.
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Post by 950nancy on Jul 5, 2016 15:19:30 GMT
I've taught at a community college for 9 years and I have only had one parent ever contact me, and that was to let me know her child was hospitalized with a serious illness. I thought that was a perfectly legitimate reason for contacting me. Maybe I've just been extremely fortunate, but sometimes I wonder if there really are that many parents who are running interference for their college aged kids as we are lead to believe. My husband teaches a community college and has had a few parents call every semester. My neighbor works in the admissions office and she says that they call asking for grades frequently.
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~Lauren~
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,876
Jun 26, 2014 3:33:18 GMT
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Post by ~Lauren~ on Jul 5, 2016 15:22:50 GMT
I see nothing wrong with that.
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Post by creativegirl on Jul 5, 2016 16:38:17 GMT
My mom insists that parenting hasn't changed but that labelling parents has become a fad. I wish parents weren't labelled or criticized so much. Yes. We're all doing the best job we can because we love our kids. And yet instead of being able to find common ground on that point, we pick apart all our differences and criticize every choice that's different than our own. My kid is only 2...I am not looking forward to the next 16 years of being labelled "helicopter" one day and "lazy" the next.
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