|
|
Post by smalltowngirlie on Jul 4, 2016 11:52:45 GMT
We have all heard of helicopter parents, there are now Plow Parents. Parents that go in front of their child, plowing the way, to make sure everything is easy peasy for their child. Soften up life for them and all.
At DS's college orientation last week one session the speaker talked about Plow Parents. He strongly suggested that parents step back and let their children work their way through the intricacies (sp) of college. Be there to support and advise them if needed, but it is ok if your child gets a little dirty in the process.
I thought it was an interesting way to describe some parents, some extreme parents that is. It is such a fine balance to be supportive but not doing for your child some days.
|
|
|
|
Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Jul 4, 2016 12:04:09 GMT
That is interesting.
I think part of the reason that so many parents are plow parents is that they fear that their children might not succeed as brilliantly as they could, and they always will blame themselves. The whole, If only I had done more..... mentality.
|
|
tuesdaysgone
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,832 
|
Post by tuesdaysgone on Jul 4, 2016 12:04:42 GMT
Ha! That's a new term for me, yet I know plow parents...my sister-in-law and brother-in-law. My nephew is almost 22 but he has no idea about how the real world works because they have taken care of everything for him. He's getting a PT degree and they are already discussing buying a PT practice for him. They have the best of intentions, but I'm curious to see if he'll be able to cope in the real world some day.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 2, 2024 0:44:10 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2016 12:07:03 GMT
That's almost as bad as the "sink or swim" parents that decide at the age of 16, you're magically responsible enough to shoulder everything and go completely hands off. (like my ex)
I have met a few plow parents over the years and have wondered who is going to have a harder time coping with adulthood - the parents or the kid.
|
|
|
|
Post by fkawitchypea on Jul 4, 2016 12:13:37 GMT
I think this is pretty accurate. It feels like many mistakes now are things that can ruin their life forever. A mistake that would have caused some embarrassment and maybe some light punishment in my day is cause for arrest and prosecution now. And there are things we never had to deal with (social media, cell phones) that can have very serious consequences.
But I really try to balance hovering over him and restricting some of his freedoms (at 12) than not letting him make his mistakes and figure out how to solve them.
|
|
styxgirl
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,866
Jun 27, 2014 4:51:44 GMT
|
Post by styxgirl on Jul 4, 2016 12:47:51 GMT
I saw a article on this the other day ... They called them "Lawnmower Parents"
interesting indeed.
|
|
pridemom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,843
|
Post by pridemom on Jul 4, 2016 12:50:41 GMT
I have seen this also called lawn mower parents as they mow down all obstacles for their children. We have all heard of helicopter parents, there are now Plow Parents. Parents that go in front of their child, plowing the way, to make sure everything is easy peasy for their child. Soften up life for them and all. At DS's college orientation last week one session the speaker talked about Plow Parents. He strongly suggested that parents step back and let their children work their way through the intricacies (sp) of college. Be there to support and advise them if needed, but it is ok if your child gets a little dirty in the process. I thought it was an interesting way to describe some parents, some extreme parents that is. It is such a fine balance to be supportive but not doing for your child some days. |
|
carhoch
Pearl Clutcher
Be yourself everybody else is already taken
Posts: 2,990
Location: We’re RV’s so It change all the time .
|
Post by carhoch on Jul 4, 2016 13:43:01 GMT
We are submarine parents we let them swim on their own but we are there if they start sinking .
|
|
|
|
Post by supersoda on Jul 4, 2016 14:05:52 GMT
I think colleges are really struggling with how involved parents are these days. We took DD to register for her classes last month, and they had activities for the parents throughout the day and had to explicitly tell parents that they weren't to go with their children to register. And you should have seen the look of shock when they explained FERPA (federal law that protects your right to the privacy of your educational records, meaning parents don't get access to their kids' grades unless the kids consent).
During the parent seminars, DH and I were talking about how our parents weren't involved AT ALL in our orientation or class registration. I drove 9 hours with a girlfriend to my first orientation (my first time ever driving outside my smallish hometown, through a big city, and before the time of GPS and cell phones). I had to figure everything out on my own.
DD's school has a parent services division (or something like that) to deal with parent calls to the school, and presumably to keep parents from harassing the professors. They also have a parent orientation scheduled when you drop your freshman off at college.
It is really a whole different world. The thing is, college is a great, safe place for your kid to learn to navigate life. I'm looking forward to DD having this experience and dealing with life on her own without immediately being able to turn to us for guidance.
Interestingly, a girlfriend's son just joined the Marines, and based on her description of the moms' FB group, it is just as bad there. Can you imagine your mommy getting involved when you are a Marine?
|
|
|
|
Post by Merge on Jul 4, 2016 14:12:31 GMT
When I worked as a college advisor, I got calls from parents all the time wanting to know about their kids' grades. As supersoda just mentioned, they were generally shocked when I told them that FERPA laws prevented me from sharing any information with them without the student's express written consent. And I had one parent who made her daughter turn in the consent form every semester, and the parent would call me without fail, wanting to know why her child had received a low grade on a certain test, and why the professors wouldn't return her calls. I had another parent who wanted to know how she could get her son to stop playing video games all the time and do his homework instead (he lived at home). Uh, I don't know, lady. Maybe try taking the gaming console away? The vast majority, however, really did let their kids handle it. The strangest one - I had a young woman, age 18, who was married to a much older man, in his 40s. And the husband would come up and want to know how she was doing. Apparently he sat in classes with her sometimes, too. A helicopter/lawnmower spouse? |
|
|
|
Post by mikklynn on Jul 4, 2016 14:17:14 GMT
It doesn't end in college. My BFF arranges all the travel for interviews, interns, and new hires in our very large company. She has received calls from mothers (!) wanting to make the arrangements.
|
|
|
|
Post by anxiousmom on Jul 4, 2016 14:26:15 GMT
I think colleges are really struggling with how involved parents are these days. We took DD to register for her classes last month, and they had activities for the parents throughout the day and had to explicitly tell parents that they weren't to go with their children to register. And you should have seen the look of shock when they explained FERPA (federal law that protects your right to the privacy of your educational records, meaning parents don't get access to their kids' grades unless the kids consent). During the parent seminars, DH and I were talking about how our parents weren't involved AT ALL in our orientation or class registration. I drove 9 hours with a girlfriend to my first orientation (my first time ever driving outside my smallish hometown, through a big city, and before the time of GPS and cell phones). I had to figure everything out on my own. DD's school has a parent services division (or something like that) to deal with parent calls to the school, and presumably to keep parents from harassing the professors. They also have a parent orientation scheduled when you drop your freshman off at college. It is really a whole different world. The thing is, college is a great, safe place for your kid to learn to navigate life. I'm looking forward to DD having this experience and dealing with life on her own without immediately being able to turn to us for guidance. Interestingly, a girlfriend's son just joined the Marines, and based on her description of the moms' FB group, it is just as bad there. Can you imagine your mommy getting involved when you are a Marine? While my son was in basic there was a mom who kept posting questions like 'it is really hot, do the boys get a break? are they getting enough water?' or 'I just read an article about how the boys don't get to eat a lot, is that true? what if they get hungry?' or my favorite 'I haven't talked to my son in two weeks, can I please I call him?' OMG, way to put a target on your kid's back. My youngest just went to his orientation last week. I drove up and back with him and that was the extent of my involvement. He dropped me off with family and went about his business. He stayed on campus and did all that on his own. I offered to do the parent thing, but he told me that he wanted to do it on his own so he could learn. He even wanted to do the drive himself so that he could learn the route with me there just in case. He has always been a pretty independent kid, and I have always been a bit free rangey, but I was proud of him taking the imitative and wanting to do by himself. He had me there in case he messed up, but did it on his own. In fact, he took a wrong turn at one point and while I knew it, he realized it very quickly and figured out how to get back on track pretty quickly. Although, I will admit that as another former academic advisor, I did kind of want to meddle about in that process because you know, I know more than they do.  |
|
|
|
Post by smalltowngirlie on Jul 4, 2016 14:30:28 GMT
I think colleges are really struggling with how involved parents are these days. We took DD to register for her classes last month, and they had activities for the parents throughout the day and had to explicitly tell parents that they weren't to go with their children to register. And you should have seen the look of shock when they explained FERPA (federal law that protects your right to the privacy of your educational records, meaning parents don't get access to their kids' grades unless the kids consent). During the parent seminars, DH and I were talking about how our parents weren't involved AT ALL in our orientation or class registration. I drove 9 hours with a girlfriend to my first orientation (my first time ever driving outside my smallish hometown, through a big city, and before the time of GPS and cell phones). I had to figure everything out on my own. DD's school has a parent services division (or something like that) to deal with parent calls to the school, and presumably to keep parents from harassing the professors. They also have a parent orientation scheduled when you drop your freshman off at college. It is really a whole different world. The thing is, college is a great, safe place for your kid to learn to navigate life. I'm looking forward to DD having this experience and dealing with life on her own without immediately being able to turn to us for guidance. Interestingly, a girlfriend's son just joined the Marines, and based on her description of the moms' FB group, it is just as bad there. Can you imagine your mommy getting involved when you are a Marine? DS orientation was very much the same way. We were together as a family for the welcome and a financial aide talk then we split for the rest of the day. DH was more worried about DS registering than I was. I knew they had counselors there that knew much better what DS needed to register for than I did. We discussed his schedule with him and he told us why he lined his classes up the way he did. We did ask DS to sign the FERPA form for us. He is not the most forth coming when it comes to answering questions about school and such. That way when we talk to him our conversations do not have to such and emphasis on classes, more the social part of school. |
|
|
|
Post by melanell on Jul 4, 2016 14:57:32 GMT
Well at least I can rest assured that I am most definitely not a plow parent.  |
|
|
|
Post by freecharlie on Jul 4, 2016 15:00:51 GMT
I probably shovel, but my oldest is 15. By the time he is in college, I hope to only be handing him the shovel
|
|
PLurker
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,739
Location: Behind the Cheddar Curtain
Jun 28, 2014 3:48:49 GMT
|
Post by PLurker on Jul 4, 2016 15:26:00 GMT
Ain't nobody got time for that.  I'm still plowing my way through my life. Seriously, I try to be there for kids but not in their way. It's hard to find the balance of doing enough but not too much for your kids, isn't it? DD is in college and I just outright told her to not be afraid to ask me for help if she needed or wanted it but also not to be afraid to tell me to get out of the way, either. I think it's working. She is a bit anxious at times and had to present her portfolio to the private college she is transferring to this fall. For scholarship money. She wanted me to go. I was ok with that. Then it was "maybe you can come just for the (long-ish) ride back and forth." Ok with that, too. Then the day came and she said, "Mom, I think I'll go by myself." Ok, with that and PROUD that she got to that confidence level. And she aced it. Her adviser person LOVED all her stuff and she got the $ and was told she should have no problem getting MORE every semester and year. Yay, DD! freecharlie I like that. "shoveling" |
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 2, 2024 0:44:10 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2016 15:38:08 GMT
To some degree, I get it. I'm not a plow parent, but some may view me as a helicopter parent. However, if I'm paying for their education, I'd like to know what's going on and whether they are struggling. I've stepped in before because DS had the roommate from hell and was not getting anywhere on his own with the administration. My parents weren't involved with my college education, but tuition was much more affordable and it was much easier to find a job after graduation. However, things have changed and the competition is tough. Mistakes have financial and academic implications. The stress level for the kids are high so if I can help out a bit, I will.
|
|
|
|
Post by smalltowngirlie on Jul 4, 2016 15:43:57 GMT
I really wanted to learn what resources the college already had in place for when DS needs help. I want to be able to help guide him to find the solution himself rather than me solving it, but I want to know what is there so I give him the best help possible.
Colleges, at least the one DS will be attending, have so many resources for success. They want students to succeed, as long as they put in the work.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 2, 2024 0:44:10 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2016 15:49:17 GMT
My kids would kill me if I interfered with their schools. Nobody would ever accuse me of being a helicopter, plow, or interfering parent. And I have wicked independent kids to show for it.
|
|
|
|
Post by ktdoesntscrap on Jul 4, 2016 15:50:38 GMT
There is always a fine line.
Parents are always the first to get blamed when something goes wrong.
My daughter is at a musical theatre camp about 14 hours away from me. So she flew there on her own. (she is 13) Apparently her roommate's Mom was shocked that she flew all that way by herself, and that I wasn't coming for "parents day". I will be there for her final performance but I'm not flying or driving there twice in two weeks. She even asked my daughter for my number so she could call me and let me know she was ok! (I haven't heard from her)
Last year my daughter went to a similar camp at a university about 8 hours from us. She was flying, but she had to have an adult check her in, so going on her own was not an option.
The difference in the university's approach has been very different. I will be interested to hear how my daughters experience is. I imagine it is hard for colleges and universities to know how to approach parents.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 2, 2024 0:44:10 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2016 15:58:31 GMT
I really wanted to learn what resources the college already had in place for when DS needs help. I want to be able to help guide him to find the solution himself rather than me solving it, but I want to know what is there so I give him the best help possible. Colleges, at least the one DS will be attending, have so many resources for success. They want students to succeed, as long as they put in the work. I think the college itself may have a lot to do with it. The public colleges/universities here are overcrowded, understaffed and underfunded. |
|
PLurker
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,739
Location: Behind the Cheddar Curtain
Jun 28, 2014 3:48:49 GMT
|
Post by PLurker on Jul 4, 2016 16:02:55 GMT
seasidemermaid I see nothing wrong with being and keeping yourself informed. Especially while still on your dime. You get to know their grades etc if you're supporting them. And sometimes you need to step in. Mostly because of life experience sometimes we just know how to get things done and are paid more attention. I, too stepped in one when the semi-local college wasn't going to refund her money for 2nd semester housing when she decided to commute, and followed their advise of housing withdrawal rules/deadlines. Those are circumstances. Not the everyday college life stuff that they can and should handle. I think being there when really needed may never really end. We are moms. ktdoesntscrap I found myself rolling my eyes at that mom in your story. Oh, boy. Glad SHE was there for YOUR daughter. 
|
|
|
|
Post by myboysnme on Jul 4, 2016 16:37:53 GMT
I did not have any help from my parents. I was on my own and it was hard. I don't think it was necessarily a good thing to be out there trying to make it by myself with no support. I made it but gees, I sure could have used some guidance at least.
I went the other way with my kids. I made sure they knew I would do whatever I could. If they need my help, I help them. They see me as a role model. They want to be able to handle things like I do.
My husband's parents never did a thing for him either but he didn't use that as a motivator to do anything but sit on his ass until I came along and put a foot up it. Now he has a master's degree and is a teacher. His mother always said how I got him motivated. No, I just did what she should have done.
I think that so called plow parents maybe see the world as hard now and want to make the path smoother. I know I do. I hate how much of the American family has become so independent of the extended family. Neither my husband or I have extended family who seem to give a crap about us except for my mom. And she lives 6 hours away.
I think life is hard enough and I want to do what I can for my kids. Of course the goal is that they can succeed on their own but knowing if they fall I will give them a hand up to get back on the path. It might be the wrong way, but it's the way that feels right for us to me.
|
|
|
|
Post by scrapmaven on Jul 4, 2016 16:48:31 GMT
I have an incoming college freshman. (GULP.) Sometimes I have to remind myself that my little preemie isn't a little preemie anymore. He's an adult who needs me to back off and let him go. It's hard to find that balance.
|
|
|
|
Post by dockmaster on Jul 4, 2016 17:11:48 GMT
I took my oldest to college, helped her move in, made her bed, gave her a hug and a kiss, held her while she sobbed, then got in the car and drove away. I listened to her the 1st year when she had roommate issues and gave advice, she lost the roommate lottery bad. The next year I did the same, but no sobbing and an awesome roommate of her choice. This summer I helped her pack for her study abroad trip. We only requested that she make contact at least once a week.
Surprisingly enough, she has found her way and is a remarkable young woman who sets and meets goals. You kids might just suprise you when you let them do it on their own. My goal has always been to raise idenpendant, strong, and capable kids. So far I am 2 for 3 one more to go.
|
|
peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,598
Member is Online
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
|
Post by peabay on Jul 4, 2016 17:35:02 GMT
When my oldest went to college, a mom slept on her daughter's dorm room floor for the first day of school to make sure her daughter could find her classes.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 2, 2024 0:44:10 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2016 17:48:40 GMT
I struggle with being a "plow parent" (new word for me) to my DD20. Well, the whole family does. She had/has very serious medical issues and we tend to baby her a bit. She is behind her peers just slightly in some areas and WAY ahead of them in other areas of maturity. I have to force myself to step back and allow her to grow and she shows me time and again she is capable.
When it comes to my DS23, he did his own thing through college. The newspaper published his name on the dean's list and if not, I would not have known his grades. Now that he has graduated and not made a move to get a job, I think I need to plow.....plow BEHIND him to push him forward. ha
|
|
|
|
Post by anxiousmom on Jul 4, 2016 17:54:53 GMT
When my oldest went to college, a mom slept on her daughter's dorm room floor for the first day of school to make sure her daughter could find her classes. This reminded me of when I first transferred to UF. My then boyfriend walked me around campus to show me the buildings and help me find my classrooms before the first day of classes. Some how I think it was way more fun for me having hunky boy guiding me than my mommy. |
|
paget
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,743
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:39 GMT
|
Post by paget on Jul 4, 2016 17:57:07 GMT
When my oldest went to college, a mom slept on her daughter's dorm room floor for the first day of school to make sure her daughter could find her classes. Oh my. Did that poor girl have a roommate? |
|
paget
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,743
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:39 GMT
|
Post by paget on Jul 4, 2016 18:04:23 GMT
I have three dds and they all needed/will need a different level of parental involvement. Dd1 has graduated college and needed some advice here and there but navigated it mostly by herself. I made sure to back off (not me being pushy but her wanting me to help) because I knew she needed to learn and gain confidence. This dd blossomed in college and became much more independent - it was great to see.
Dd2 is heading to college this fall to live on campus (she completed her associate degree already). Dd will likely need a lot of assistance as she has anxiety, ADHD, and is on the spectrum. She doesn't appear to have any issues so I can see that people will think I am a lawnmower parent but oh well.
Dd3 will be heading off to college in 2017. She wants to go to school across the country. After I drop her off I wouldn't be surprised to not see that child until she graduates and she will excel.
|
|
I'm still plowing my way through my life.
