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Post by Outspoken on Jul 7, 2016 2:17:14 GMT
My children are 15.5. DD has a boyfriend. They don't "date". He has been over and accompanied us to a few outings. When he comes to visit, his mom or dad will bring him and we will take him home later that day. We play games or they watch movies. We talk to him and ask questions that will help us know him better, etc. for instance, he is a CC and Track athlete. So, I asked things he likes for snacks and have those on hand when he is here because he is very regimented with his nutrition. He is a very nice kid. We have him over as often as he would like to visit and it fits our schedule. He and my DS get along well and can hold their own if DD leaves the room. One time he asked if he could take her to a movie and his mother picked them up. The mom and sister also went to the movie. Afterwards, they brought her straight home. But, they have never invited her over to his home and my DD said the mom didn't really speak to her the day they went to the movie. He is the oldest of 3. And I only have the 2 that are the same age. I know that everyone parents different - and that doesn't make their style wrong. Is it because he is a boy? My DS hasn't found that girl that makes him act goofy yet!  So, I can't compare the situations. |
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daisydonna
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Sept 5, 2015 11:45:16 GMT
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Post by daisydonna on Jul 7, 2016 2:42:48 GMT
I think it's definitely a little weird. Boy or girl, I like to get to know the boyfriend or girlfriend, even at that age.
The mom not talking to your daughter is what's weird I think. Not having her over could be a lot of different reasons....maybe their house is tiny. Or a mess. Or a hoarder.
If it bothers your daughter possibly see if she and boyfriend can go on a walk and see if his mom will join them? She can put that bug in boyfriends ear....that she would really like to get to know his mom a bit.
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Post by Outspoken on Jul 7, 2016 2:50:31 GMT
I think it's definitely a little weird. Boy or girl, I like to get to know the boyfriend or girlfriend, even at that age. The mom not talking to your daughter is what's weird I think. Not having her over could be a lot of different reasons....maybe their house is tiny. Or a mess. Or a hoarder. If it bothers your daughter possibly see if she and boyfriend can go on a walk and see if his mom will join them? She can put that bug in boyfriends ear....that she would really like to get to know his mom a bit. Oh, she is an introvert and melts in social situations, so she is on the fence between being worried and relieved at the same time. Now, if they asked her, she would go because she is polite and I have raised her that way. But, on a small note, I believe it is making her feel "unworthy" of their family in some strange sense. |
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Post by AussieMeg on Jul 7, 2016 2:51:34 GMT
My DD had her first boyfriend at the same age as your DD Outspoken (15yo). Yes I was interested to get to know him. DD got on very well with his mum but found his dad to be a bit stand offish and quite harsh with his 2 sons. His mum was actually quite upset when they broke up. She'd always give DD a hug whenever she saw her, and told me after they'd broken up that she loved DD. I adore her current boyfriend, and his parents are/were very fond of DD sadly his mum passed away 1½ years ago). |
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Post by scrapmaven on Jul 7, 2016 4:46:43 GMT
I do want to meet their girlfriends. I don't need to meet someone they're taking on a first date, probably because they're boys. I know that it's a double standard.
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Post by mlynn on Jul 7, 2016 6:30:45 GMT
I was 16 when I had my first boyfriend. We dated my Junior and Senior years. Most of our time was spent at his and his parents' home. Not once did we hang out at my house. He did accompany us to some extended family events.
My family was highly dysfunctional (and still is). Home was not a place I cared to be. Even in grade school I mourned the end of the school year.
This situation probably has much more to do with him and his family than with your DD and hers.
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Post by gar on Jul 7, 2016 6:36:15 GMT
I wonder if boyfriend's Mum is just trying not to be 'that' parent, trying not to cramp their style? It's not the way I'd do it, or you obviously, but some people are shy and she may feel unsure about talking to your DD.
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peabay
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jul 7, 2016 11:03:55 GMT
Very much so. Not in a weird way, but the same way I want to know my kids' friends. I want to know who they are hanging out with and who is important to them.
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sweetpeasmom
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Post by sweetpeasmom on Jul 7, 2016 12:20:45 GMT
Yes. My ds is 14. He's had 2 girlfriends (just this past school year). I would ask them questions and just try to get to know them. Heck, I do that with his guy friends too. I am his mom and I have the right to know who he is hanging out with. DD is 12 and hasn't really had a boyfriend yet. But I'll be the same way when she does.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2016 12:24:52 GMT
You never know why they are not inviting DD over. I know someone that was in a similar situation and it turned out the dad (had a good job and seemed OK from the outside) was an alcoholic. He made things at home stressful and embarrassing.
Also, the mother may not be talking much to your DD because she is just very shy or it could be because she thinks dating among that age is silly and does not want to get overly involved with what will probably be a long line up of girls her son likes before getting married in maybe 15 years.
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Post by anxiousmom on Jul 7, 2016 12:40:16 GMT
I do know my son's girlfriend and her family. (The oldest is away and I don't know who is dating these days.) But my youngest is still here and has been dating this girl for about 2 1/2 years.
He spends significantly more time with her family. He goes on vacation with them, sleeps over sometimes, eats dinner with them at least twice a week, etc. The girl is as sweet as can be and if I had of been the one to pick his first (or maybe only) girlfriend, I couldn't have picked better than he did. There is zero drama with them, they compliment each other really well.
But I will be honest, there is a definite imbalance in how much time is spent with her family vs. her spending time with our family. A lot of that has to do with the fact that she is very much a momma's girl and pretty shy. I can understand that, I am really close with my mom and did the same thing with boyfriends/husband. I know this though-I realize now how much of a role I played in not having as close of a relationship with my inlaws because I am so close to my mom. I spent, and by proxy my ex spent, so much time with my family that his family never had a chance. I hope that I can get my son to understand that both families deserve to have equal time spent together too.
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TankTop
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Post by TankTop on Jul 7, 2016 13:03:15 GMT
My hpuse is open door. I often wake up to dd's friends sleeping all over the house without knowing they were even coming over. I love it! They all know where to find what they need and help themselves. Plus, I know they are all safe.
I have found that dd's boyfriends like to be here as well. Her first long term boyfriend did not have a mom. It was just him, his dad, and his brother. Dd never went to his house. He thought it would make her uncomfortable being the only girl there
Her other boyfriend was a long time good friend of hers. She had been to their house before, but when they were dating he was always here. Not sure why.
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Post by leannec on Jul 7, 2016 14:28:39 GMT
My dd#1, age 17, has been with the same boyfriend for more than a year ... He comes over here all the time so we know him quite well She has never met his parents and has never been inside his house  They graduate this year so hopefully, if they are still together, at least we'll meet the parents at grad  |
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Post by maryland on Jul 7, 2016 14:33:15 GMT
I think most parents would like to met the child their son or daughter dates. I think some parents are more socially outgoing than others, the gender of the child doesn't matter. My daughter and her boyfriend (both 16) have spent a lot of time at each others house. My daughter has met her boyfriends grandmother and has been to the aunts house. They have been dating a few months. I just adore him and I do all the driving as they don't drive yet. So it's fun to be around them a lot. They are great kids! Our family was invited to his brothers grad party and we thought that was so nice! I love getting to know the child and meeting the parents but I am social! My husband isn't social, so he doesn't really care.
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Post by maryland on Jul 7, 2016 14:37:10 GMT
I do want to meet their girlfriends. I don't need to meet someone they're taking on a first date, probably because they're boys. I know that it's a double standard. I have daughters and I feel the same, I don't need to meet every boy they just hang out with or go on their first date. But I am social, and love to take pictures of the kids and their boyfriends/friends, but not on the first date!  My husband isn't really into socializing, so he may not meet the boyfriend (or girls that my daughter is friends with) until they have been hanging out a while. |
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Kerri W
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Post by Kerri W on Jul 7, 2016 14:45:03 GMT
Oh, she is an introvert and melts in social situations, so she is on the fence between being worried and relieved at the same time. Now, if they asked her, she would go because she is polite and I have raised her that way. But, on a small note, I believe it is making her feel "unworthy" of their family in some strange sense. I wonder if this plays a bigger part in things than she might realize? We have always made an attempt to know whomever our kids are dating. Some have been very receptive and love to come over and hang out. We do a lot of stuff as a family. We have adult children as well as a 17 yo and 10 yo and make a point of getting together for dinner on Sundays. Most of the time we do some sort of activity as well such as bonfires, whiffle ball, pumpkin carving, going out for ice cream or making ice cream, etc. We're a pretty active family and *most* of the people my kids have dated have been able to jump right in and participate right along with us. Except DS1s last girlfriend. She was very sweet but incredibly introverted. She didn't really like big groups, but she came to dinner several times because DS asked her. Though it was very apparent she was uncomfortable. We tried to quietly and gently reach out to her and show interest but she pretty much shut us down with one word answers. It made getting to know her very difficult. SaveSave |
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StephDRebel
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Post by StephDRebel on Jul 7, 2016 15:35:21 GMT
I'm all up in their business. It's part of my charm  |
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mallie
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Post by mallie on Jul 7, 2016 15:39:49 GMT
I cannot imagine not wanting to get to know the people my kids are dating. Why wouldn't you want to know them?
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Post by ilikepink on Jul 7, 2016 15:49:34 GMT
I made a point of wanting to know the girls (partly because I was the only girl in my house), and making sure the girls knew they were always welcome. The girls my boys dated had very open and welcoming families, and they spent a lot of time with at the girls' homes. My DS finance's family has truly sucked him in to their huge family unit.
In your case, it's possible that the boy warned his mom off, to not come on too strong, and she backed too far off? And there can be any type of dysfunction in their family/home that he isn't ready for your daughter to be a part of yet--which isn't a bad thing. As long as there is one place where they can spend time together that is safe and supervised, I wouldn't worry too much
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Post by BoilerUp! on Jul 7, 2016 16:40:59 GMT
Yes, I try to engage all of my kids friends. I don't want to be friends with them, but I like to get to know them.
It is very helpful, trust me.
You are doing what I do.
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trollie
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Post by trollie on Jul 7, 2016 16:56:15 GMT
I'm all up in their business. It's part of my charm Me too! I want to get to know everyone my kids are hanging out with. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2016 17:14:41 GMT
No. If they needed too much supervision they were too young to be dating.
As they got up into older high school I wanted to know enough to keep them out of trouble. I did want to know who they were hanging out with and what kinds of people they chose for friends, that went for everyone not just who they were dating.
But ultimately, MO dating is about courtship leading to marriage. No reason for a 14 year old to be dating. And once they are out of high school an unplanned pregnancy isn't a "life" ending event. The relationship is between the two of them, not me.
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Post by JustCallMeMommy on Jul 7, 2016 17:28:53 GMT
I would be curious about whether you were the mom who volunteers to drive DD's friends places, let her friends come over, etc. I have noticed a real imbalance among Alison's friends. I suspect she and her friends and dates will be hanging out at our house when they are older because it has already been established that I am open to the kids coming over. I have intentionally created this atmosphere.
There have been friends over the years who have never had her over for anything. I get the impression that they are really private people, don't want the interruption, etc. I do wonder if those will be the kids who are always at someone else's house when the kids get to be driving and/or dating age.
I do try to strike a balance with Alison's friends, and I think I would probably do so in a dating situation as well. If I am driving, say, a group of kids to the water park, I join in on conversations about general topics, but if they are talking about other kids or more teeny conversations, I butt out.
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Post by gmcwife1 on Jul 7, 2016 17:39:55 GMT
There is no way our parents would have or could have known every date that us four girls had. They met the major ones, but some of the short lived ones, not at all.
I don't know every person my two oldest have dated over the years, just the long term ones. My youngest is 17 and has only dated her current boyfriend. We knew him before they started dating because they were in 4-H together. So we know him and his family very well.
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Post by pjynx on Jul 7, 2016 17:51:31 GMT
Absolutely! DD is 17 and only started dating within the last 6 months. Yes, according to her, there were other "boyfriends" but that was when they were really too young to officially date so it was more texting than hanging out. She dated someone when she was 16 and he was 18, so we made it mandatory that we met him first. We chatted a bit, asked questions, the usual. He was nervous, but could comfortably hold a conversation with us. Ironically, neither of them drove, so they always relied on us or his mom to drive them anywhere (or they just hung out at one of our houses). So we got to know him a little better during our drives or if we all went out for dinner. Now that she's back in the dating pool, I'm sure there will be guys that drive, so we won't always be around. But meeting her dates will be for certain, and chatting a bit more will also happen as they date longer.
Pam
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Post by gmcwife1 on Jul 7, 2016 17:58:52 GMT
Oh, she is an introvert and melts in social situations, so she is on the fence between being worried and relieved at the same time. Now, if they asked her, she would go because she is polite and I have raised her that way. But, on a small note, I believe it is making her feel "unworthy" of their family in some strange sense. I wonder if this plays a bigger part in things than she might realize? We have always made an attempt to know whomever our kids are dating. Some have been very receptive and love to come over and hang out. We do a lot of stuff as a family. We have adult children as well as a 17 yo and 10 yo and make a point of getting together for dinner on Sundays. Most of the time we do some sort of activity as well such as bonfires, whiffle ball, pumpkin carving, going out for ice cream or making ice cream, etc. We're a pretty active family and *most* of the people my kids have dated have been able to jump right in and participate right along with us. Except DS1s last girlfriend. She was very sweet but incredibly introverted. She didn't really like big groups, but she came to dinner several times because DS asked her. Though it was very apparent she was uncomfortable. We tried to quietly and gently reach out to her and show interest but she pretty much shut us down with one word answers. It made getting to know her very difficult. SaveSaveAnother thing to add to this, is if the boyfriend/girlfriend is an only child or not. My dh is an only child and I'm one of five. He has struggled getting used to the big family dynamic and we've been married for 19 yrs. |
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Jul 7, 2016 18:05:01 GMT
My daughter is only 13 so not an issue yet. But yes I would want to know them and would want them to be comfortable hanging out at my house.
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Kerri W
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Post by Kerri W on Jul 7, 2016 18:11:27 GMT
Good point gmcwife1. (In my example the girlfriend was one of six children, involved in tons of extracurricular activities and sports...but just didn't want to socialize in any way. DS is a normal teenage boy and wants to hang out with friends and whatnot. In their case it came to an end when they started talking about prom and she said she just didn't want to go. He really wanted to be with somebody that had the same interests and wanted to do the same things he did and I think that was his lightbulb moment. Then ohmywordhighschooldrama she immediately asked a good friend of his to go to Prom and her mom posted crap all over Facebook about DS alluding to him cheating etc even though SHE was the one with a prom date and not him, at that point. Squirrel! lol) |
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Post by gmcwife1 on Jul 7, 2016 19:06:43 GMT
Good point gmcwife1 . (In my example the girlfriend was one of six children, involved in tons of extracurricular activities and sports...but just didn't want to socialize in any way. DS is a normal teenage boy and wants to hang out with friends and whatnot. In their case it came to an end when they started talking about prom and she said she just didn't want to go. He really wanted to be with somebody that had the same interests and wanted to do the same things he did and I think that was his lightbulb moment. Then ohmywordhighschooldrama she immediately asked a good friend of his to go to Prom and her mom posted crap all over Facebook about DS alluding to him cheating etc even though SHE was the one with a prom date and not him, at that point. Squirrel! lol) There is so much wrong with them I don't even know where to start!!! So very glad your ds got out of that relationship and away from them!!! I'm still  at the mom's involvement and the drama!! |
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Post by maryland on Jul 7, 2016 19:46:22 GMT
I do know my son's girlfriend and her family. (The oldest is away and I don't know who is dating these days.) But my youngest is still here and has been dating this girl for about 2 1/2 years. He spends significantly more time with her family. He goes on vacation with them, sleeps over sometimes, eats dinner with them at least twice a week, etc. The girl is as sweet as can be and if I had of been the one to pick his first (or maybe only) girlfriend, I couldn't have picked better than he did. There is zero drama with them, they compliment each other really well. But I will be honest, there is a definite imbalance in how much time is spent with her family vs. her spending time with our family. A lot of that has to do with the fact that she is very much a momma's girl and pretty shy. I can understand that, I am really close with my mom and did the same thing with boyfriends/husband. I know this though-I realize now how much of a role I played in not having as close of a relationship with my inlaws because I am so close to my mom. I spent, and by proxy my ex spent, so much time with my family that his family never had a chance. I hope that I can get my son to understand that both families deserve to have equal time spent together too.That's what we are teaching our daughters too, that it's great to spend time with both families. I am very different from my inlaws, but their family is as important as mine. When I had a serious boyfriend in high school, we spend much more time at my house. His mom was very strict, and we had a basement to hang out in. At his house, I was only allowed in the family room/kitchen, she kept a close eye on us! My parents weren't like that, and they loved my boyfriend as a son. |
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So, I can't compare the situations. 
My husband isn't really into socializing, so he may not meet the boyfriend (or girls that my daughter is friends with) until they have been hanging out a while. 
at the mom's involvement and the drama!!