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Post by Really Red on Jul 10, 2016 0:09:40 GMT
I had a disturbing text from a friend of mine today. Her husband of 25 years is emotionally abusing her. He has been my friend for over 30 years, since we were little kids. I like her very much, and I believe her. She tells me he calls her horrible (awful!) names and thinks that she is having affairs.
She is going to call me tomorrow when her husband is not home. I am so sick and our lives are so intertwined. They do not live close to us, or I would be there tonight. They are thousands of miles away and across an ocean.
Her husband, who has been my friend for so long, is a dream to me. He is thoughtful, kind, sweet, and everything you would want in a friend. His wife tells me he is that way with everyone, but her, and I see that. Everybody loves him. I don't doubt what she says, because we have been on many vacations together and I have seen things that make me realize she is right.
There is no doubt that I need to tell her to leave. I feel confident that that is the solution and I will help her as much as I can. But she is an only child and has a very tiny support system where she is. She cannot leave her country and come to mine.
Does anyone have ideas of what I could tell my friend? Her husband has it a gun and I do believe he's ready to use it. I just don't know where she can go. It's not like the USA where there are places to go. Should I tell her to deal with things until she can leave safely? It is only emotional abuse, but honestly, if I had that abuse I think I might not be able to leave. It is so inherent in everything he says and does to her, it's awful. I know I am only hearing her side, but she has no reason to lie to me. And truly from things I know and see, I'm not surprised. He had a very sucky childhood.
I am sick for both of my friends. I just wanted to be able to be the best support I can. Do you have any thoughts?
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quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,698
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Jul 10, 2016 0:15:26 GMT
It is so difficult to help when there is such a distance. Does she live in Switzerland?
Sending hugs to you.
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tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,368
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Jul 10, 2016 0:25:25 GMT
I had a disturbing text from a friend of mine today. Her husband of 25 years is emotionally abusing her. He has been my friend for over 30 years, since we were little kids. I like her very much, and I believe her. She tells me he calls her horrible (awful!) names and thinks that she is having affairs. She is going to call me tomorrow when her husband is not home. I am so sick and our lives are so intertwined. They do not live close to us, or I would be there tonight. They are thousands of miles away and across an ocean. Her husband, who has been my friend for so long, is a dream to me. He is thoughtful, kind, sweet, and everything you would want in a friend. His wife tells me he is that way with everyone, but her, and I see that. Everybody loves him. I don't doubt what she says, because we have been on many vacations together and I have seen things that make me realize she is right. There is no doubt that I need to tell her to leave. I feel confident that that is the solution and I will help her as much as I can. But she is an only child and has a very tiny support system where she is. She cannot leave her country and come to mine. Does anyone have ideas of what I could tell my friend? Her husband has it a gun and I do believe he's ready to use it. I just don't know where she can go. It's not like the USA where there are places to go. Should I tell her to deal with things until she can leave safely? It is only emotional abuse, but honestly, if I had that abuse I think I might not be able to leave. It is so inherent in everything he says and does to her, it's awful. I know I am only hearing her side, but she has no reason to lie to me. And truly from things I know and see, I'm not surprised. He had a very sucky childhood. I am sick for both of my friends. I just wanted to be able to be the best support I can. Do you have any thoughts? The fact that he has a gun and you believe he will use it should tell you that while it is only emotional abuse at this point, it will probably get worse. I don't know what her story is, if she has a safe place to go, if she has family near her that she can depend on, etc. I would help her investigate her options. Are there children involved? You can also give her the pea advice of gathering up and making copies of the things she will need, like birth certificates, marriage license, saving account information, etc. Then if she needs to flee in a hurry she will at least have those things in hand. Save |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 9, 2024 20:11:45 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2016 0:27:26 GMT
I am not so sure you need to put the pressure of telling her to leave. That is YOUR solution but at this point may not be hers. Because if she doesn't then she maybe uncomfortable in the future talking with you because she knows your point of view. I would try to support her by listening, by offering researched resources in her area, etc. But I would not tell her she needs to leave unless you can somehow get her to come to you for that backup (which it doesn't seem you can).
Be there for her...listen..gently remind her she is worth so much....etc But don't burden her with your solution. Until she can make that decision for herself, it's not going to help to tell her.
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zookeeper
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,909 
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Post by zookeeper on Jul 10, 2016 0:37:19 GMT
She needs to go and do it now. Let me tell you a true story. This is going to be brutal so if you don't want to read...please fast forward to the next post.
There once was a couple who were married for around 32 years and the husband had been emotionally abusive to both his wife and their children. He was also an alcoholic. They also had guns for hunting but the house rule was that they were never ever loaded in the house. Ever.
One day, wife comes home to find husband in the living room with a shotgun. He is drunk. The gun is loaded and he makes a big deal out of showing wife the shell in the chamber and says "Oh...how did that get in there?" He continues to point the gun at wife. Wife very calmly started dinner and then went in the bedroom to "change out of work clothes". While in the bedroom, wife calls 911 and tells them that her husband is drunk and pointing a loaded shotgun at her. It took about three minutes for the police to arrive and arrest husband and take him away.
He was sent to rehab and he has not had a drink since. He later told his best friend that his intention that might was to shoot wife and then kill himself. Thank goodness he was not successful.
Everyone thought that he would be nicer to his wife now that he was sober. Not so much. He was still miserable to her. Five years later, he asked for a divorce because he was in love with another woman and he wanted to marry her. It was the best thing that he ever did for wife since she was not strong enough to ask for the divorce herself.
He is now married to his new wife and is miserable because she is a miserable nag. Wife has never remarried but has a steady boyfriend now of 10 years and he treats her like a queen.
I know this story is true...because it was my father and my mother.
He will never stop being abusive to her. She needs to get out. It is never too late to live happily ever after.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 9, 2024 20:11:45 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2016 0:40:03 GMT
Emotional abuse is NEVER "just emotional abuse" It cuts to the core of who you are as a person. It destroys the self perception of worth. IMO, emotional abuse is worse than physical.
She may not be ready to leave him. Listen to her. Don't tell her she needs to leave because that may cause her to stop talking to you if she can't leave right now or in the foreseeable future. Help her brain storm for the resources her country does offer and how she can enlarge her support system where she is. If you tell us what country she is in a pea might have knowledge about what is available.
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Post by Really Red on Jul 10, 2016 0:44:21 GMT
I am not so sure you need to put the pressure of telling her to leave. That is YOUR solution but at this point may not be hers. Because if she doesn't then she maybe uncomfortable in the future talking with you because she knows your point of view. I would try to support her by listening, by offering researched resources in her area, etc. But I would not tell her she needs to leave unless you can somehow get her to come to you for that backup (which it doesn't seem you can). Be there for her...listen..gently remind her she is worth so much....etc But don't burden her with your solution. Until she can make that decision for herself, it's not going to help to tell her. This is excellent advice. Thank you so much. I know often I feel to give them solutions, that's not helping at all. You are right that I need to let her make up her mind, which will empower her. Thank you!!! zookeeper I am so sorry about your story. Thank you for sharing. It must've been very difficult. |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 9, 2024 20:11:45 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2016 0:45:00 GMT
I agree with luvspaper and volt. When someone is emotionally abusing you, it often takes some time to work up the courage and confidence to leave. She does need to get away from him, but what she needs the most right now is support and help with finding resources.
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zookeeper
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,909
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Post by zookeeper on Jul 10, 2016 0:48:26 GMT
Don't force her...but she needs to know that her world will great again without the abuse. She needs to be reminded of her value and her worth. You are going to have to love her through this and be there for her. Make sure that she knows that you will be there for her.
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eleezybeth
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,784
Jun 28, 2014 20:42:01 GMT
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Post by eleezybeth on Jul 10, 2016 2:01:11 GMT
Is she American? I don't know if it matters, but this organization www.866uswomen.org specifically exists for helping spouses in other countries besides. Not sure if it meets her needs but help is available. |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 9, 2024 20:11:45 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2016 2:25:36 GMT
She needs to go and do it now. Let me tell you a true story. This is going to be brutal so if you don't want to read...please fast forward to the next post. There once was a couple who were married for around 32 years and the husband had been emotionally abusive to both his wife and their children. He was also an alcoholic. They also had guns for hunting but the house rule was that they were never ever loaded in the house. Ever. One day, wife comes home to find husband in the living room with a shotgun. He is drunk. The gun is loaded and he makes a big deal out of showing wife the shell in the chamber and says "Oh...how did that get in there?" He continues to point the gun at wife. Wife very calmly started dinner and then went in the bedroom to "change out of work clothes". While in the bedroom, wife calls 911 and tells them that her husband is drunk and pointing a loaded shotgun at her. It took about three minutes for the police to arrive and arrest husband and take him away. He was sent to rehab and he has not had a drink since. He later told his best friend that his intention that might was to shoot wife and then kill himself. Thank goodness he was not successful. Everyone thought that he would be nicer to his wife now that he was sober. Not so much. He was still miserable to her. Five years later, he asked for a divorce because he was in love with another woman and he wanted to marry her. It was the best thing that he ever did for wife since she was not strong enough to ask for the divorce herself. He is now married to his new wife and is miserable because she is a miserable nag. Wife has never remarried but has a steady boyfriend now of 10 years and he treats her like a queen. I know this story is true...because it was my father and my mother. He will never stop being abusive to her. She needs to get out. It is never too late to live happily ever after.I am so glad your mom got out and never looked back and is with a man that appreciates her. I am sure it took a toll on you as a child seeing all of that too. As someone who has been abused physically to a point where he almost killed me and emotionally, I felt the emotional abuse was worse. That is what killed my vibrant spirit that I am still healing. Really Red make sure if she does leave (and that has to be her choice) that she has an exit plan and does NOT tell him. This is VERY important. The highest rates of deaths with domestic violence are when a woman is pregnant or when he or she leaves the abusive spouse. |
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Post by mikklynn on Jul 10, 2016 3:06:28 GMT
If there is no shelter available, do you have a friend that her husband doesn't know that could take her in temporarily?
Our best friend's DD was in an abusive marriage. Her now ex didn't know us well or where we live, so we were a backup plan. She knew she could come here with her child.
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Post by mlynn on Jul 10, 2016 3:37:49 GMT
Help her locate battered women services in her country. It may be called something else. In the US they would help educate her and help her prepare a plan (if that is what she chooses). It may be called something else where she is.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Jul 10, 2016 3:47:31 GMT
We have a very familiar story. I just have to say, you don't truly know people, or know what goes on behind closed doors, or in marriages. My dh had a best friend. Knew him from grade school. Best friends. he got married, to a girl who I was iffie on, but we got to be good friends.She had a daughter from a prev marriage They were married for 17 years, and had 2 kids. During that time their marriage was very tumultuous, but we had a good friendship. He always claimed she cheated on him, was cheating, flirting with other men, etc. I never saw it. She told me she wasn't. She eventually got sick of it and left him. Just packed up and left everything. Their new house, and everything in it. Didn't take a thing, except family pictures. The whole time he claimed innocence, etc. A few years later he gets remarried, to a nurse at my hospital. Very respected, has 2 boys. They are married 3 years, she leaves him. Same story. He had this really odd story about why she left and questioned it. I finally am like, something is going on. Talk to both of the ex-wives. Both tell me horrible stories of him emotional and verbally abusing, to them, the 1st wives daughter, and the 2nd wives 2 boys. NOT to his actual children.. He always acted never in the wrong. Poor him. Then after I found out the truth, he started saying things about us, my dh and I as a couple. Yea, at that point we were done. Walked away from the friendship. He is toxic and wacko. I'm just saying you just never really know people.
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