Deleted
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Jun 3, 2024 3:57:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2016 3:12:24 GMT
@bergdorfblonde ...holy cow! I think you win. That is hands down one of the shittiest things I've ever heard. How could you screw your kid that way? Right? I thought he screwed me over (taking a few years, doing it methodically, using his legal brain!) because I broke his heart. I almost forgave him or understood why he could come to do it. But to LIE about me to our children? It's WRONG! To put me in debt when I'm disabled? It's WRONG! And then to put your drug-addicted (yet $$ making) son as a co-Leasee, knowing he had no idea what he was signing and then sticking him with an $8500 debt?? Yeah, pretty shitty!!!!!!!!!!! I learned how to be proactive once again. While married to him, I handed over all of my "power" with love and just took care of our kids, house, etc........ I trusted him. Now I've learned how to gain that power back and how to fight for what's yours. To fight for what's right. While I used to be a Paralegal, I've learned so much on my own these past few years! I got my own IRS advocate and finally beat him on that. AMAZING!! I'm using all of that knowledge to help my kids be prepared from this day forward. To constantly check their credit reports and maybe even have a fraud alert on them like I did. The ex could use their SS#'s and info for his own purposes at any time........ We're prepared to defend ourselves, even though he's very skilled and very much liked! (Amazing, huh?). So, hang in there. Try not to get wrapped up in his crap, because that's what they want! Look at the bigger picture. Your kids will realize how much you mean to them, and they'll realize that he's wrong for speaking badly or inappropriately. Just make sure that you and your kids aren't taken advantage of. The rest will come. Good luck to you and the children!
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Post by leftturnonly on Jul 14, 2016 3:12:58 GMT
He's a Drama Queen. I don't care if he's straight or gay, that's what he is. Do you want to know the icing on the top of the cake? When I dropped the kids off just now I told him he was never to call me belligerent again. And he didn't even remember making that phone call. He was that drunk. I should probably be more surprised than I am about that. The things you will never forget he will never remember.
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mlana
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,523
Jun 27, 2014 19:58:15 GMT
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Post by mlana on Jul 14, 2016 3:47:27 GMT
So my ex husband cancels on my kids all the time. He said some pretty shitty things to my son which was so upsetting my son doesn't want to see him. My kids have been to see their dad once since New Year's. So last week, he was drunk and called me at work yelling and screaming at me about how I ruined his life, he never sees his kids, it's all my fault, etc. He even told me he prays that when the kids grow up they cut me out of their lives so I can feel what it's like.
So I completely rearranged my schedule and my DD completely rearranged her schedule so my kids could go visit him for two days this week while he's on vacation. I even talked my son into going. Asshat contacts me yesterday and says, you need to bring the kids all the way to my house. He lives about an hour away. My DD doesn't get out of work until 9:00 so basically if I have to bring the kids all the way, I won't get back home until like after 11:00. I ask him if he would consider meeting me halfway instead. He replies with, do you want to reschedule? Seriously, after the way he talked to me last week and we rearranged everything so they could spend time with him, he wants to reschedule because he doesn't have gas money? What a jackass! Seriously, he really doesn't care if he sees the kids, he just likes getting drunk and starting shit with me. I bend over backwards to try to get the kids there. And I will again tonight. I am driving them all the way there. But I told him, gas money no excuse, he needs to bring them all the way home on Friday because I have to work and DD has to be to work at 5:00.
I just seriously almost fell off my chair after the fit he threw last week about how I ruined his life and he never gets to see his kids and we rearranged everything to do so this week, he asks me if I want to reschedule because he's too cheap to use enough gas to meet me halfway. I will be so glad when I don't have to deal with him anymore.
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My son doesn't even want to see him. He's been struggling with mental illness and my ex said some really hurtful things to him. It took a lot of convincing just to get him to agree to go this week. My DD is a very sensitive kid. I told her dad was upset and we worked together to rearrange things so she could go. She's been so busy lately, both babysitting and she has a job. She is basically taking her one day off, when she really wanted to go to the fair to go see him. She does miss him. Both kids have phones, he could call them or text them and he just doesn't. He doesn't make an effort with them at all. Even my DD said last week, Dad needs me. She doesn't need him, he needs her. It's just sad. I can't believe I chose so poorly for my kids.
----------------------------- I don't care about the gas money. And I would never tell my kids that he wanted to reschedule over not having gas money. I think they got the shitty dad lottery so I try to keep as much as I can from them. I just wish he would communicate with them, instead of me. When they are grown, I will have no obligation to talk to him anymore. I think he purposely communicates through me because he's still not over the divorce. Some of the things he says to me would make me uncomfortable if I was his new wife. It's clear he still isn't moving on. ------------------------------
That's the real reason he does not want to drive at 9 pm. It's not gas money. It's an excuse because hes on vacation and he wants to spend the day drinking. One good thing is that he doesn't drink and drive. I knew the gas money excuse was an excuse from the get go.
OK. I'm not in your shoes, so I don't understand why you've made the choices you've made in this situation. When you read my questions, please understand that I'm asking them from a state of complete bewilderment, rather than in a fit of snark. Your ex got drunk and called you out regarding how his life is ruined by not seeing his kids. You responded to his drunken rant by convincing the kids to go see him. Why? Why would you persuade your kids, especially one whose mental health is fragile, to go spend time with someone who gets drunk and screams at people? Is part of the custody agreement? You know your ex is going to spend the time before your kids get there drinking, yet you're driving them to him and planning on leaving them. Why? what do you think they will gain from being around their father when he's been drinking all day? Your ex makes no effort to see or speak with his kids in a positive way, so there must be some reason why you think it is good to teach them to disregard their own wants, i.e. your DD's desire to go to the fair and your son's reluctance to see ex after he was nasty to DS, and put their father's wants first. Can you tell me what this reason is? What do you think they will take away from this time spent with him? I think I could understand your bending over backwards to see to it that they see him if they both evidenced a desire to do so. I just don't see where that's what happened here. He pitched a drunken fit and you rushed to placate him. I know drunks are manipulative and habits are had to break - is that what happened here? Thank you in advance for taking time to answer my questions. My mom always said I marched to the beat of a different drum and maybe that's why I don't get this. I can tell you have tried and are continuing to try to help your kids have a relationship with their dad. I just can't see why. It seems like it would be better to let them maintain a distance from him while he's drinking and ranting. Marcy
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Post by AussieMeg on Jul 14, 2016 3:51:14 GMT
and honey - you'll deal with him for the rest of time! weddings, babies, spliting holidays with grown children - it's the joy that never ends (i deal with my husbands ex - way too frequently for my liking!) When they are grown, I will have no obligation to talk to him anymore. My ex is not shitty at all thankfully. But now that 18yo DD is an adult and has finished school and has her licence and her own car, I don't have any contact with her dad. The last time I spoke to him was last year when DD turned 18 and he texted me to ask what happens with child support. (FTR I told him that he no longer had to pay but he said he's still give me money every week anyway - as I said, he's not shitty.) But the point is, we've had no contact in 7 months. So that's something for you to look forward to!
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jul 14, 2016 4:21:05 GMT
mlana, the best answer I have is that he is the only dad they have and I don't want to be the reason why he doesn't have a relationship with them. I guess in a lot of ways I feel sorry for him because he is so emotionally handicapped he can't even see that he is the reason no one wants anything to do with him. He is legally entitled to every other weekend visitation. He rarely takes it or gets it. But you know I had a long talk with my son on the way there tonight and you know I told him that this was the last time I was making him go. You know I think you make a lot of good points. It's hard to know what to do. I wish I had chosen different. I talked to my kids on the way there about it. When I got there I told him I would no longer be taking his phone calls and that's when he said he didn't remember calling me. I told him if he wanted a relationship with his kids it was on him to call or text them. And I told him that was the last time I'd be bringing them to his house. I got in my car and left. Then on the way home I got to talk to my husband and he said it was about time I put my foot down. I just had an aha moment today. I hope I answered your questions. Sometimes it takes a while to see things clearly and to figure out what is the right thing to do. But him saying he didn't even remember something that affected me so profoundly? Well that was enough to make me really think about how much I'm willing to tolerate.
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Post by lesserknownpea on Jul 14, 2016 4:33:10 GMT
OP, if you're going to err, erring on the side of encouraging a relationship with him is still best. Otherwise, the kids may either resent you, or fantasize that their dad is better than he is.
It sounds like you had your AHA moment at the right time, and your kids will always remember that you are not the reason they don't see their dad.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 3, 2024 3:57:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2016 8:35:03 GMT
My husband's ex is a crazy loon.
She tried to get him fired from his TA job. She would call whoever he was interviewing with and diss him royally. She would find out about the job interviews from his brother's girlfriend. He had to do a lot of sneaking around to get his first "real" job in his field, and the girlfriend called me twice a day to see how we were doing. She even stopped by the house. We never told anybody about the job until a couple of days before we left town. I guess the ex wife was royally pissed off her rocker.
She was married twice before and each time she left them with bills that ruined them financially. She tried to do that to my husband but his parents stepped in to help( way before me) , but it took five years to pay off her credit card debt that she left to him.
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theshyone
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,411
Jun 26, 2014 12:50:12 GMT
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Post by theshyone on Jul 14, 2016 9:50:55 GMT
mlana , the best answer I have is that he is the only dad they have and I don't want to be the reason why he doesn't have a relationship with them. But you aren't the reason, he is. Im sorry your kids are sitting there captive with a drunk for a weekend. My kids still have nightmares about their Dads alcoholism that ended six years ago. I deeply regret I ever exposed them to that.
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Deleted
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Jun 3, 2024 3:57:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2016 11:05:44 GMT
I am so sorry you and your children are going through this. I am glad they have you and your DH to support them in every way. My dad was (or maybe is, I really don't know if he is dead or alive) an alcoholic. He would call me and tell me how I was such an awful daughter and that I was the reason they got a divorce. (I was 6 months when it happened so there's no way I was an awful daughter). I tried SO hard for SO long. He would call every once in awhile and finally apologized when I was in my 30s.
The last time I saw him I was 13 so 27 years ago. It took a lot for me to forgive him. Your ex will one day see the damage he did. I realized one day that I would rather be the one being abandoned than a parent abandoning a child which is something I could never do.
I still struggle with depression, panic attacks and PTSD partially because of his actions. I have made the choice if he were to call me I would let him know I forgave him but wished to not have contact with him again. Are your children in counseling? I really wish I had started when I was younger.
Big hugs to you and your kids. I hope these next days go pretty well..
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tduby1
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,979
Jun 27, 2014 18:32:45 GMT
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Post by tduby1 on Jul 14, 2016 11:47:17 GMT
He sounds like my former BIL. My sister got remarried so they had to re-figure the child support, and the case manager wanted to try to do it with both of them there together. Bad idea.
I know nothing about child support issues, but why should support be re-figured due to remarriage?
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jul 14, 2016 13:13:12 GMT
Thank you all so much for your perspectives. I'm trying to sort this all out in my head so I can make the best choices for my kids. I really appreciate everyone sharinf their experiences. It really has given me a lot to think about and this ended up being much more beneficial than just a vent thread.
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oldcrow
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,828
Location: Ontario,Canada
Jun 26, 2014 12:25:29 GMT
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Post by oldcrow on Jul 14, 2016 15:24:04 GMT
Thank you all so much for your perspectives. I'm trying to sort this all out in my head so I can make the best choices for my kids. I really appreciate everyone sharinf their experiences. It really has given me a lot to think about and this ended up being much more beneficial than just a vent thread. If your children are teens then I think you should be having a talk with them when they return this time. They are old enough to make up their own mind about this. Once they have given you an answer that should stand and you should tell XH that if he wants a different outcome he has to talk to the children themselves, that you will not be a go between for him. If he gets nasty with you on the phone, hang up and block his number.
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Jul 14, 2016 16:26:47 GMT
He sounds like my former BIL. My sister got remarried so they had to re-figure the child support, and the case manager wanted to try to do it with both of them there together. Bad idea.
I know nothing about child support issues, but why should support be re-figured due to remarriage? The way she explained it to me, he was still paying her maintenance, which ended with the remarriage. Since they have to figure the maintenance into their "income", the discontinuation of it makes his income go up and hers go down, which in turn affects the child support. I think.
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Post by peace on Jul 14, 2016 16:42:51 GMT
mlana , the best answer I have is that he is the only dad they have and I don't want to be the reason why he doesn't have a relationship with them. I guess in a lot of ways I feel sorry for him because he is so emotionally handicapped he can't even see that he is the reason no one wants anything to do with him. He is legally entitled to every other weekend visitation. He rarely takes it or gets it. But you know I had a long talk with my son on the way there tonight and you know I told him that this was the last time I was making him go. You know I think you make a lot of good points. It's hard to know what to do. I wish I had chosen different. I talked to my kids on the way there about it. When I got there I told him I would no longer be taking his phone calls and that's when he said he didn't remember calling me. I told him if he wanted a relationship with his kids it was on him to call or text them. And I told him that was the last time I'd be bringing them to his house. I got in my car and left. Then on the way home I got to talk to my husband and he said it was about time I put my foot down. I just had an aha moment today. I hope I answered your questions. Sometimes it takes a while to see things clearly and to figure out what is the right thing to do. But him saying he didn't even remember something that affected me so profoundly? Well that was enough to make me really think about how much I'm willing to tolerate. I felt this same way UNTIL I spoke with my daughter's therapist. She said DD comes FIRST. Her emotional well being is priority over his. SHE doesn't want to see him and until she does want that, she doesn't have to and I am not to pressure her. I was feeling such guilt because they have no relationship but I have to let her decide that. And we are both better off now. Good luck! SaveSave
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tduby1
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,979
Jun 27, 2014 18:32:45 GMT
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Post by tduby1 on Jul 14, 2016 16:54:14 GMT
I know nothing about child support issues, but why should support be re-figured due to remarriage? The way she explained it to me, he was still paying her maintenance, which ended with the remarriage. Since they have to figure the maintenance into their "income", the discontinuation of it makes his income go up and hers go down, which in turn affects the child support. I think. Ok, that makes sense. I thought the child support was being penalized because she remarried and that seriously made me irritable.
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Deleted
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Jun 3, 2024 3:57:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2016 17:25:03 GMT
Some days, I really think I have a shitty ex and then I read stuff like this. Mine is an asshole but he's not so much of one that the kids don't want to see him.
I suspect he's an alcoholic or at least on the road to becoming one. He has no ambition, no desire to be more or better and is passing that attitude on to the boys. He doesn't check on their school. Hasn't in three years. He wanted DS1 to go off his ADHD meds because it's too expensive for him, not because he thinks DS can do fine without it. If it's an expense that is more than a few bucks a month, he doesn't want to pay for it. He has tried to discourage the boys from doing activities. It worked. It took a lot of encouraging to get DS2 to stick with band for one more year. Ex whines, bitches and moans about the cost of high school. He has said he will not pay a penny for car insurance and will not put either kid on his car insurance.
He insisted on having the boys on his health insurance which was fine until he decided he didn't like the company he was working for anymore and got a new job. This job does not offer any benefits of any kind - no insurance, no sick days, no paid vacation. Sure, he gets paid more but he has NO benefits. He's supposed to be paying for his own health insurance and any other insurance. He dropped his health insurance. DH had to put the boys on his. When the rates went up, ex bitched about the increase. He really hates having to pay anything.
He's not a bad man. Just selfish with his money. VERY selfish with his money.
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Post by jesslee on Jul 14, 2016 18:27:00 GMT
I'm so sorry you are going through that.
I have a very shitty ex! Mine on his first visit after our divorce was final took off with our daughter and I didn't see her for over a year. She was 9. Worst time of my life. It was over 2 years before I could get her back home. Horrible nightmare. The mind games. He has constantly said horrible things about me to our daughter. Him and his wife told her that if she didn't live with them they wouldn't love her. Total mind games. I have never once said a mean thing about him or his wife. its not my place to share my opinion with a child. She can form her own opinion and she has always been grateful for that. She is an adult now and has decided she wants to live with dad. The grass seems greener on the other side. He and his wife have promised her so many things. I had to learn to let go. I am always there for her but not at the cost of my sanity.
I wish nothing but the best for you and your children. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
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Post by mlynn on Jul 14, 2016 18:42:33 GMT
My concern would be training the children to be victims. To ignore their feelings. To allow people to mistreat them. To put up with abusive behavior. To tolerate that which should not be tolerated. This will transfer over to other relationships in their lives, not just with their father.
To be honest, when they get home I would apologize to them and tell them that you will try not to do that again in the future.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Jul 14, 2016 19:18:42 GMT
My concern would be training the children to be victims. To ignore their feelings. To allow people to mistreat them. To put up with abusive behavior. To tolerate that which should not be tolerated. This will transfer over to other relationships in their lives, not just with their father. To be honest, when they get home I would apologize to them and tell them that you will try not to do that again in the future. This!
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Post by twinks on Jul 14, 2016 22:03:05 GMT
I do/did the same thing with my DD and her father. I didn't want to be the one responsible for their lack of a relationship.
Here is our situation: I left my ex husband when DD was 3 months old due to domestic violence. I have shared my situation here before. He didn't have her for over a year and then because I had some inheritance monies, decided to sue for full custody. He didn't make it past square one. I hired an attorney to represent my DD. Around this time, we were also finding out that my DD had neurological problems. I had been beaten when I was 17 weeks pregnant and there were some problems then (with the fetus/pregnancy). He did not / does not want to accept that he could be the cause of my DD's brain damage. He basically got a severely reduced visitation schedule. The attorney and the psychologist both talked to me and gave me some good advise. They stated that he would never have a relationship with my DD but, I should not come between or bad mouth him in any way. Things went okay, other than his constantly stalking me. He never took care of her and she would always come back home in a pretty bad shape (no over night). Around the age of 6-7, his father died. He didn't want DD to attend the funeral. The next time he had my DD, he took her to the cemetery. My DD was returned early because she had soiled her pants. When I asked what happened, she said that she "kept telling him that she needed to use a bathroom" but, apparently, he was "laying on grandpa's grave crying." I guess that is all he did with her for 5 hours! He remarried shortly after that. One time, shortly after he remarried, my DD came home very, very upset. She indicated to me that "Dad said that you hit him and that is why you don't live together." I just looked at her and said, "There are people who will tell you what happened and why your father and I are divorced. If you are ready and want to know, I will happily let you talk to them. I will not be the one to tell you." She let it go. He had her for Thanksgiving - going to his mom's house for dinner (my DD was about 8 years old). He returned her that evening and she had broken glasses and a black eye. Apparently she didn't want to sit at the table for 3 hours and visit. I took her up to our children's hospital to have things documented. CPS got involved and decreased his visitation even more (4 hours every other Sat) and it had to be supervised visitation at his expense. The regular visits ceased. He did take her out for her birthday and for Christmas to get a fast food meal. My DD had an IEP throughout her schooling. One year, just to prove he was interested, he requested a copy. Never once did he ever attend an IEP meeting nor request a copy of the IEP again. One time, when she was a teenager, he took her to the movie with his mother for my DD's birthday. My DD wanted some popcorn and he gave her $1 to go up and get some popcorn (my DD has no concept of $). She came back to where they were seating and was upset and wanted more $. He didn't give her any. That was the last time he took her anywhere for her birthday or Christmas. He still plays games with my DD. She takes a Christmas present out to him on the 24th every year. He will not give her a present. He has to call on Christmas day and tell her that he will come and give her a present in a couple of days. He doesn't acknowledge her birthday. He has a couple of sons with his wife. He is always telling my DD how great they are and what they are doing. For example, my DD had a "shark bite" shirt from Chatham MA. She was showing it to him one time when we took a Father's Day present out to him. Without acknowledging her shirt, he said, "Oh we went to NOLA with [his son]'s band and I think that [his other son] got a shirt like that." He makes it well known to my DD that his sons are more important than she is.
He was court ordered to pay health/dental insurance. He changed jobs and therefore insurance companies. I had a job with health/dental insurance which I added my DD to so she was double covered (no co-pays/deductables). He refused to acknowledge that he was divorced and wouldn't give his HR department a copy of the divorce decree showing that he was court ordered to carry the insurance. He kept thinking that the "birthday law" applied to the situation and therefore, my insurance was prime. Wrong! My DD had 2 secondary insurances with neither one of them paying anything for 8 years - with me paying everything out of my pocket. It just wasn't worth arguing with stupidity.
I think the biggest thing was that when my DD was 18 years old, he called and sent me a court document that he wanted me to sign. Basically it stated that he has "fulfilled his duties as a father." He knew that he owed me years of child support and at least 1/2 of all medical expenses that I paid out. He wanted me to sign it because he didn't want anyone to look into any judgments against him. Basically I signed it. It has backfired on him so many times it is not funny. The biggest way it has backfired is that my DD knows! She knows that he doesn't want anything to do with her other than to get his presents from her.
My ex's wife is nothing but a big bitch! I personally have never met her, but, I do not like her at all. She will not even say "hi" or acknowledge my DD at all. Last Christmas time when he brought my DD a card with $20 in it, she sat out in the car. I invited her in (telling him that she was welcome to come in as it was cold outside). He didn't want her to come in. My DD walked out with her father to say "hi" to her and I could hear my DD saying "Hi!" several times. This person just totally ignored my DD. She didn't acknowledge my DD standing right outside the car window. She just stared straight ahead. My DD sent flowers to her grandmother's funeral and this lovely person threw them in the garbage! They deserve each other is all I can say.
My DD attended a private, special education, school (riverviewschool.net) out of state for 3 years. He didn't even know she was away at school. When she graduated, she did send him an announcement. He didn't acknowledge it. When it came time for her Senior prom and for the parent dance, my DD called and asked my brother (her uncle) to come and dance with her. My brother flew across the country to dance a 3 minute dance with his niece. My family was the only ones at my DD's graduation. Both my brothers will do anything and everything my DD needs or wants.
Wow! I must be holding onto some real resentment...lol! You can do what you want to me, but, don't be mean to my DD. It brings out the mother bear in me.
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Post by leftturnonly on Jul 15, 2016 15:44:57 GMT
twinks - You and your daughter have been treated despicably. I don't know that you can ever fully get past it, but it sounds to me like you've done a darn good job so far.
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Post by ilikepink on Jul 15, 2016 17:42:26 GMT
I am in awe of what y'all have gone through with exes for the sake of your children. There are some strong mama-bears here! In comparison, my XH1 is just dumb, not nasty or mean. Most of the time the boys were growing up, he didn't have a license (medical reasons), so I had to drive all the time. He got annoyed when school activities/sports/scouts interfered with "his time", but he was always welcome to watch/coach/participate. Sometimes he did, but not always. When he thought it would interfere with my life/plans, he would try and change the schedule around (like the Thanksgiving I had to work, he was to have them, but "they will be running around when my mother is trying to take the turkey out of the hot oven" ??) I never said a bad word about him, just did my best to work around stuff, and make sure the boys saw him whenever possible. Now that they are grown, they see how dumb he is, but they are there to help him out anyway. I have apologized more than once for giving them a not-very-smart dad, but reading what y'all have said, they may have actually won a jackpot. Kudos to you all.
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MerryMom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,539
Jul 24, 2014 19:51:57 GMT
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Post by MerryMom on Jul 15, 2016 17:48:27 GMT
The way she explained it to me, he was still paying her maintenance, which ended with the remarriage. Since they have to figure the maintenance into their "income", the discontinuation of it makes his income go up and hers go down, which in turn affects the child support. I think. Ok, that makes sense. I thought the child support was being penalized because she remarried and that seriously made me irritable. In cases where there is a child support and a spousal support order, I thought that, in most states, child support is calculated and awarded before spousal support. With children being the priority, this is performed as part of their best interest to ensure they’re receiving an adequate amount of support. Afterward, any spousal support is calculated and awarded based on what is left in the pool of support funds the paying spouse has remaining. In addition, the remarried spouse is benefitting from the new spouse's financial contribution to the living expenses.
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Jul 15, 2016 17:54:46 GMT
Ok, that makes sense. I thought the child support was being penalized because she remarried and that seriously made me irritable. In cases where there is a child support and a spousal support order, I thought that, in most states, child support is calculated and awarded before spousal support. With children being the priority, this is performed as part of their best interest to ensure they’re receiving an adequate amount of support. Afterward, any spousal support is calculated and awarded based on what is left in the pool of support funds the paying spouse has remaining. Could it be that it just affected how her income is figured, since the maintenance ended? I'm not sure of the exact details, just that it was in her best interest financially to re-evaluate the CS after she married. (or it was required and she comes out ahead)
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 3, 2024 3:57:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2016 18:17:09 GMT
Some days, I really think I have a shitty ex and then I read stuff like this. Mine is an asshole but he's not so much of one that the kids don't want to see him. I suspect he's an alcoholic or at least on the road to becoming one. He has no ambition, no desire to be more or better and is passing that attitude on to the boys. He doesn't check on their school. Hasn't in three years. He wanted DS1 to go off his ADHD meds because it's too expensive for him, not because he thinks DS can do fine without it. If it's an expense that is more than a few bucks a month, he doesn't want to pay for it. He has tried to discourage the boys from doing activities. It worked. It took a lot of encouraging to get DS2 to stick with band for one more year. Ex whines, bitches and moans about the cost of high school. He has said he will not pay a penny for car insurance and will not put either kid on his car insurance. He insisted on having the boys on his health insurance which was fine until he decided he didn't like the company he was working for anymore and got a new job. This job does not offer any benefits of any kind - no insurance, no sick days, no paid vacation. Sure, he gets paid more but he has NO benefits. He's supposed to be paying for his own health insurance and any other insurance. He dropped his health insurance. DH had to put the boys on his. When the rates went up, ex bitched about the increase. He really hates having to pay anything. He's not a bad man. Just selfish with his money. VERY selfish with his money. dknitter: I'm SO sorry that you've had to deal with this kind of cheap, creepy ex!! Terrible!!!!!!!! It struck a chord in me, since my ex all but pushed our DD out there to barrenland/FL. He promised her sunshine and rainbows. He swore he'd continue paying for her meds and psychiatrist (she's bipolar, without any medical), and he'd send her car out here, and he'd take care of anything she needed until she possibly got a job (which hasn't happened). He only sends her $$ for her meds occasionally. He doesn't think it's that important. Unreal..... It took her SO much to get her car sent here, and then it died. No idea what he did it it while he had it for over a year, but we know he let his gf's daughter drive it around....... I spent almost $2000 fixing it up (which took a LOT) and now it's dead again. Ugh!!! I just don't understand ex's who won't help and won't follow through until their children are on their feet, independent and doing okay!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jul 15, 2016 18:28:50 GMT
We are some really strong peas. So many of us deal with absolutely craptastic exes. I feel so sorry for our children. They don't deserve this.
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Deleted
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Jun 3, 2024 3:57:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2016 22:13:05 GMT
My ex has a lot of annoying flaws but all in all he's a decent enough dad. No ones dead. So I can't complain.
But his wife..,she's a real piece of work. A former crackhead who has went to the methadone clinic an hour away for 3 years...and she lies right through her false teeth. She's been fired from multiple for stealing but she denies it and I think he's so afraid of being alone that he lives in denial permanently.
And I'm not saying people with prior substance abuse issues can't change, but she just trades one addiction for another. And she smokes even though they're broke most of the time. I wasn't allowed to smoke or even drink soda when I was married to him.
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Jun 3, 2024 3:57:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2016 23:27:33 GMT
he was drunk and called me at work yelling and screaming at me about how I ruined his life, he never sees his kids, it's all my fault, etc. He even told me he prays that when the kids grow up they cut me out of their lives so I can feel what it's like. He's a Drama Queen. I don't care if he's straight or gay, that's what he is. OK, first off ITA with lefty. This smiley is for jeremysgirl 's ex. And I totally sympathize with you jeremysgirl. I have BTDT with one of the world's shittiest exes. Unfortunately, they do not seem to be in short supply, and that makes me so mad and sad for our children. But, I'm quite a few years out from all of his drama now, and I can unequivocally say that my divorce attorney gave me the best advice ever when he told me that living well truly is the best revenge. I was young when all of it was going on, and didn't fully GET what that really means until much later, but I think of it often, and silently thank him for sitting me down at his conference table, making me look him in the eyes and maintain that eye contact, and insisting that I really listen to what he was telling me. It would take hours and a lot of emotional energy to type out the saga and all the fallout and drama, but let me try to sum it up as quickly as I can. He was abusive. Both physically and emotionally. He was physically abusive to me while I was pregnant with DD. DS was a baby at the time, and when he was sick/fussy/crying continually one afternoon, ex started to shake DS. I completely mama bear FREAKED out, got DS out of his hands and shoved ex down (!) picked up the diaper bag, ran to the car, and managed to drive off while ex was splayed on the hood pounding on the windshield. Bad, drawn out separation. Restraining order that never once helped me. He saw his kids maybe 3-5 times in seven years. When he was about to get nailed for his non-payment of CS, uninsured medical expenses, etc., he had his then (maybe third? I had lost track by that point) wife call my attorney and offer to completely terminate his parental rights if I would agree to absolve him of all his arrearages, plus any future child support or financial obligation to the kids. What a guy. This "man" basically offered up his children for a price. Attorney got pissy when I made the decision to take him up on his offer. Asshole judge dragged me into court to make me testify and swear that I understood what I was "giving up." Eff that. I told the judge that he (same guy who presided over divorce), the state, and everyone else up to that point couldn't have cared less about my children not getting any financial support from their father, who also never bothered to visit them. I told him we'd managed to survive up to that point, and we'd have an even better chance at managing to survive once the papers were signed. My drop the mic moment in life, and I'm damned proud of it. I've caught flak over the years for supposedly giving up $ for them, essentially agreeing to ex abandoning them, etc. You know what? He had already abandoned them. He was a physical and emotional danger to them from the get-go. He NEVER supported them (guy paid maybe $2k total EVER in support). He constantly sought out under the table, cash work to evade income taxes and CS obligations. People who work those kinds of jobs to evade their responsibilities and the assholes who make it easy for them by offering that kind of work deserve a special kind of hell. Refused to cover them on health insurance as he was ordered to do. I could go on and on. The only thing I gave up was all the heartache and drama of watching him hurt and turn his back on his kids. I gave up the constant fear that he would abuse them, or offer them unlimited total freedom, etc. when they were teenagers, thus screwing up their futures. They were going to suffer with him as a father no matter what. I have enough guilt over that-I own it. I'm not taking any criticism over choosing to sign those papers-not anymore. They were babies when I ran, don't even remember the few times he visited them, and were 6 and 7 by the time ex terminated his rights. I did the best I could for them after my disastrous decision to marry the ex and have kids. No one could ever really understand until they walked through all that in my shoes. Same goes for you, OP. You don't have to take responsibility for his choices, especially his choice to be a craptastic father. Be honest with your kids, grieve with them and just be the best mom you can be. Don't bash him, but don't sugarcoat his choices, either. You can be just as confused by and sad about his choices with them. All we can do is assure our kids that it's NOT them, and that some people just can't (for whatever reason) be good parents. I'm sorry you have to deal with him, OP. I can promise you that living well really is the best revenge. My kids are ok They're 24 and 23, and we've struggled financially over the years, but my current DH isn't like a stepfather-he's a great father and loves them like his own. To the best of our knowledge, he has not tried to contact them, even after they turned 18, as ordered in the termination papers. We made it and we are ok despite him, and that's the best feeling in the world. If you ever need to vent, you can message me anytime.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jul 15, 2016 23:39:31 GMT
@ilovecookies that's part of why I feel so guilty. Because I am living well and he isn't. My life has moved on in a positive direction and his hasn't. I have two great kids and he really doesn't.
I'm so glad it worked out for you. It couldn't have been easy.
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Post by leftturnonly on Jul 15, 2016 23:45:00 GMT
My drop the mic moment in life, and I'm damned proud of it. Good for you. I know this goes against what a lot of people say about continuing to make it possible for "Dad" to be part of his childen's lives long after he refuses to be, but at some point I say "Nope. No more. Adios. Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya. VAMOOSE! and be gone with you."
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