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Post by lesserknownpea on Jul 17, 2016 1:00:17 GMT
So there's a party going on downstairs. DS and DIL have a houseful of friends laughing, eating, enjoying each other. I probably know and like all of them. There's a bunch of kids, I hear their happy voices.
But because of a headache, I wasn't part of the preparations, or on hand to greet each addition as they arrived. Which, for some reason makes the anxiety less. My grown DD is the same way. If she has to be in a group, she makes sure and gets there first, so she doesn't have to walk into the noise and craziness.
No problem. I can choose to be part of the festivities or not. But I'm hungry! I could ask DS to bring up food, but that seems so lame.
So I'm trying to get up the gumption to go downstairs.
( does anyone use the word gumption anymore? )
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jul 17, 2016 1:06:33 GMT
Since you've self identified as having social anxiety and introversion, can I ask you a question? My DS has a girlfriend. He claims that she has social anxiety and introversion and that's why she won't come over. When I drop him off she always says hello to me so she is not rude. I just want to figure out a way to get to know her and so far, she's declined all my invitations. Yet, she is in the choir and in a play so I'm thinking can people with true social anxiety do that kind of thing? I'm just looking for ways to get to know her and your post made me think you might have some suggestions. I'm an extrovert, so I'd be downstairs partying it up and socializing with everyone.  You know if the house is busy with people, they might not even notice you if you snuck down and got some food. Just smile and nod. |
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Deleted
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Apr 28, 2024 21:13:40 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2016 1:13:21 GMT
I struggle with social anxiety. My latest episode was overwhelming fear to walk into a wedding reception. My daughter was in the bridal party and told me there was not assigned seating. I was by myself and arrived sort of late (before the bridal party announcement but after all the other guests). I could not bring myself to open that door and look at 300 people and have no clue where to squeeze in. So, I sat outside watching the photographer take photos and then left for a while. The venue was very rural so the only place I could find to eat was Burger King- YUCK! After many people left, I came back and took some photos of her outside (with her BF) because she really wanted to take advantage of the beautiful setting.
I left feeling so mad at myself.....do not be like me!! GET UP THE GUMPTION and go get some food!! heehe
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Post by Merge on Jul 17, 2016 1:13:55 GMT
Since you've self identified as having social anxiety and introversion, can I ask you a question? My DS has a girlfriend. He claims that she has social anxiety and introversion and that's why she won't come over. When I drop him off she always says hello to me so she is not rude. I just want to figure out a way to get to know her and so far, she's declined all my invitations. Yet, she is in the choir and in a play so I'm thinking can people with true social anxiety do that kind of thing?
Oooh! I can answer that one. I have moderate social anxiety and identify as an introvert on every test ever designed for such a thing. But I have zero problem performing in front of an audience in a choir or in a theatrical production, and I'm a teacher - I spend all day talking to people in groups. The key is in groups, and with a script of sorts. Interacting with individuals or small groups where I am expected to talk off the cuff or keep up the conversation is really difficult for me. I'm a lot better at faking it than I was as a teen/young adult - I've devised a "script" for myself over the years that works in those kinds of situations - but it still makes me really uncomfortable. Since you know your son's girlfriend likes the theater, why not "double date" with them (and you and your DH) to a community theater play or musical? Having something to watch takes the pressure off someone who has social anxiety, and if you go out for a drink or coffee afterward, it also gives you all something to talk about. Seeing a movie accomplishes the same thing. If you do most of the talking and don't seem uncomfortable/unhappy if she doesn't talk much, she will probably relax and be more comfortable around you in the future. |
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Post by Merge on Jul 17, 2016 1:15:14 GMT
To the OP, go get some food! Here's your script: "Sounds like you guys are having fun! Do you need anything? No? Ok, oh, this looks good. I'm just going to make myself a little plate and get out of your way. I'm right up the stairs if you need anything at all."
Done and done.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jul 17, 2016 1:18:50 GMT
Great suggestions, Merge. I will try that. |
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Post by lesserknownpea on Jul 17, 2016 1:26:58 GMT
So lovely DIL just texted and offered to bring up food. I'm hoping the headache gets better then I'll come down for awhile. One of the little guests is asking for me, because last time he was here I sat down ad colored with him.
Social anxiety is weird. You can like the people. You can know they like you. But it feels like you're "on", and sometimes I'm just up to it. It feels overwhelming.
I've tapered off my Lexapro, and for the most part have done well off it. But I did take it for anxiety, so that could be why I'm experiencing it also.
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Post by lesserknownpea on Jul 17, 2016 2:12:02 GMT
Since you've self identified as having social anxiety and introversion, can I ask you a question? My DS has a girlfriend. He claims that she has social anxiety and introversion and that's why she won't come over. When I drop him off she always says hello to me so she is not rude. I just want to figure out a way to get to know her and so far, she's declined all my invitations. Yet, she is in the choir and in a play so I'm thinking can people with true social anxiety do that kind of thing?
Oooh! I can answer that one. I have moderate social anxiety and identify as an introvert on every test ever designed for such a thing. But I have zero problem performing in front of an audience in a choir or in a theatrical production, and I'm a teacher - I spend all day talking to people in groups. The key is in groups, and with a script of sorts. Interacting with individuals or small groups where I am expected to talk off the cuff or keep up the conversation is really difficult for me. I'm a lot better at faking it than I was as a teen/young adult - I've devised a "script" for myself over the years that works in those kinds of situations - but it still makes me really uncomfortable. Since you know your son's girlfriend likes the theater, why not "double date" with them (and you and your DH) to a community theater play or musical? Having something to watch takes the pressure off someone who has social anxiety, and if you go out for a drink or coffee afterward, it also gives you all something to talk about. Seeing a movie accomplishes the same thing. If you do most of the talking and don't seem uncomfortable/unhappy if she doesn't talk much, she will probably relax and be more comfortable around you in the future. Yes, Merge has some great ideas. Anxiety doesn't always look like you'd think it might. Some performers such as comedians often have social anxiety, and putting in an act is how they "control" the situation. Just being real is much harder. The young woman may be making it harder on herself by putting off visiting with you. Everytime I hesitate and avoid a situation, it grows and looms and feels many times more anxiety producing than if I'd just done it right off. It's hard to explain but it's very real. I feel better after eating, but still have the headache, so I'm giving myself a pass and staying up here in my room. |
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paget
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,742
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:39 GMT
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Post by paget on Jul 17, 2016 3:16:15 GMT
I saw the thread title and was like, oh they are discussing me."  Hate groups/parties and mingling. Ugh. Most people don't know I have social anxiety they probably just think I am rude for not attending things but it's just so uncomfortable. I can small talk for a little while and some people are way easier than others but then you get stuck or the conversation kind of stops and I can get out of it more drink/ restroom plenty of excuses but then it's hard to join a new group, etc. ugh. Merge is right about the script. I work in social services and talk to people a lot but I have a script and it's fine. Another Dd has generic led anxiety and hated the phone for appointments, etc but that doesn't bother me at all - there's a script. We've recently been invited to a couple things and I know I won't go because it's uncomfortable. |
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Deleted
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Apr 28, 2024 21:13:40 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2016 3:38:12 GMT
One thing that helps me is to remind myself that people are not nearly as aware of me, my presence, my idiosyncrasies, my ____, as I think they are. They are usually just not the observant.
My sister lives with me and has a large group of friends over from time to time. I know them all but I try to let her have her space and not interject myself into her things too much. I'm not outgoing and being around a bunch of people really exhausts me. I'm 109 times happier just staying in my room, with some scrapbooking things, music and wine. I set up a mini fridge and a micro in my room. I have a private pantry in one of my closet cabinets and a plate, glasses, flatware etc.
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Post by lesserknownpea on Jul 17, 2016 4:35:55 GMT
One thing that helps me is to remind myself that people are not nearly as aware of me, my presence, my idiosyncrasies, my ____, as I think they are. They are usually just not the observant. My sister lives with me and has a large group of friends over from time to time. I know them all but I try to let her have her space and not interject myself into her things too much. I'm not outgoing and being around a bunch of people really exhausts me. I'm 109 times happier just staying in my room, with some scrapbooking things, music and wine. I set up a mini fridge and a micro in my room. I have a private pantry in one of my closet cabinets and a plate, glasses, flatware etc. I like the idea of having food and drink options in here. DS eventually plans to build another house, and is planning some kind of ohana or studio apt for me. That will be cool. |
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Post by mom on Jul 17, 2016 4:49:13 GMT
I saw the thread title and was like, oh they are discussing me." Hate groups/parties and mingling. Ugh. Most people don't know I have social anxiety they probably just think I am rude for not attending things but it's just so uncomfortable. I can small talk for a little while and some people are way easier than others but then you get stuck or the conversation kind of stops and I can get out of it more drink/ restroom plenty of excuses but then it's hard to join a new group, etc. ugh. Merge is right about the script. I work in social services and talk to people a lot but I have a script and it's fine. Another Dd has generic led anxiety and hated the phone for appointments, etc but that doesn't bother me at all - there's a script. We've recently been invited to a couple things and I know I won't go because it's uncomfortable. This is so me. I hate groups and parties! I'd just rather hide than have to participate in idle chat. |
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Deleted
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Apr 28, 2024 21:13:40 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2016 5:01:19 GMT
This sounds a lot like DD28. She began to act this way when she was in Kindergarten and I attributed it to separation anxiety. It got worse and worse and we spent years going to therapists, psychologists and then psychiatrists. Turned out that she had (has) bipolar disorder. With her meds it's pretty much under control, but what you're describing is how she'd behave. I'm exactly the opposite (I'll make friends with women just while shopping).
I hope you mustered up the strength just to go and get the snack. (Headaches suck, btw. I'm all too familiar with head pain.) I'm sure that once you're in the midst of them and you begin to talk to them, it'll be much easier than you thought. Thinking about things and worrying is the worst part. Feel better!
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tuesdaysgone
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by tuesdaysgone on Jul 17, 2016 10:34:50 GMT
Hate groups/parties and mingling. Ugh. Most people don't know I have social anxiety they probably just think I am rude for not attending things but it's just so uncomfortable. I can small talk for a little while and some people are way easier than others but then you get stuck or the conversation kind of stops and I can get out of it more drink/ restroom plenty of excuses but then it's hard to join a new group, etc. ugh. I couldn't have described myself any better. I do spend time with close friends but really don't like big parties or gatherings at all. My anxiety isn't crippling and I have a lifetime of coping with it, so I'm pretty accomplished at faking it. I used to be ashamed of my anxiety, but as I get older I just understand that it's how I'm made and cope when I have to. |
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Post by peasapie on Jul 17, 2016 12:43:40 GMT
Yeah I get this. You don't want to arrive after others because you feel all eyes will be upon you. I feel the same way in groups.
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You know if the house is busy with people, they might not even notice you if you snuck down and got some food. Just smile and nod. 
