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Post by cannmom on Jul 28, 2016 13:56:47 GMT
Does the thought " You need to get a job" ever run through your mind when talking to certain people. I think sometimes the value of work in some form is over-looked in society today. Not necessarily just paid work, but also the value in volunteering your time and skills. It just seems to me that getting out of the house and doing something would be beneficial to many people. Something to occupy their mind besides themselves and their own problems. It seems the satisfaction from a good days work would be self-esteem boosting and also if paid work the ability to have more independence in paying your own way. Maybe we as a society are more inclined to hand out meds instead of saying get out of the house and do something.
I don't know just some rambling thoughts I'm having today.
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ginacivey
Pearl Clutcher
refupea #2 in southeast missouri
Posts: 4,685
Jun 25, 2014 19:18:36 GMT
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Post by ginacivey on Jul 28, 2016 14:00:06 GMT
i understand
i think that about a couple friends and the occasional family member
not just for the financial aspect
but for the feeling of doing something worthwhile (none of these women and are busy SAHM moms - most have high school aged kids - or grown children)
getting up every day, getting dressed, seeing co-workers - i think all of it would help certain people
gina
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scorpeao
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,521
Location: NorCal USA
Jun 25, 2014 21:04:54 GMT
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Post by scorpeao on Jul 28, 2016 14:00:18 GMT
Yep! I have a friend who is a stay at home mom. Her kids are now in high school and she isn't needed as much. She would create drama...drama in her family that just wasn't there. I think it's because she was alone all day over thinking things. She started a photography business and now her life is much more stable. But man, before she started her business "you need a job" ran through my head the entire time she'd be ranting about nothing.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 6, 2024 20:01:58 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2016 14:05:12 GMT
Does the thought " You need to get a job" ever run through your mind when talking to certain people. I think sometimes the value of work in some form is over-looked in society today. Not necessarily just paid work, but also the value in volunteering your time and skills. It just seems to me that getting out of the house and doing something would be beneficial to many people. Something to occupy their mind besides themselves and their own problems. It seems the satisfaction from a good days work would be self-esteem boosting and also if paid work the ability to have more independence in paying your own way. Maybe we as a society are more inclined to hand out meds instead of saying get out of the house and do something. I don't know just some rambling thoughts I'm having today. I think that's definitely true and work brings more value to you life but it's easy to judge people and circumstance. I have so many people who tell me to just get a job and I really want to but I have pretty bad pain daily, panic attacks, severe depression, etc. I lost count all the times my friends told me I needed to adult better. I am definitely trying and hope that with counseling Ai can resolve some trauma and work. Work is an important principle and before all this I worked or was in school. I have had to learn my value isn't based on what I do and contribute but just in who I am.
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Post by Merge on Jul 28, 2016 14:05:15 GMT
Yes. I don't think too much time spent only thinking about oneself or one's immediate family is good for anyone.
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back to *pea*ality
Pearl Clutcher
Not my circus, not my monkeys ~refugee pea #59
Posts: 3,149
Jun 25, 2014 19:51:11 GMT
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Jul 28, 2016 14:24:34 GMT
Yes, sometimes we need to look outside of ourselves and our world to reach out to help others and be involved. It matters. I think it's really good to start with your children when they are young to value public service, get them involved as an integral part of their lives.
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Post by chaosisapony on Jul 28, 2016 14:26:33 GMT
All the time!
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lindas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,152
Jun 26, 2014 5:46:37 GMT
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Post by lindas on Jul 28, 2016 14:29:02 GMT
More than once I've wanted to tell someone to 'get a life'. Living in a bubble isn't healthy.
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Post by secondlife on Jul 28, 2016 14:34:10 GMT
Sometimes, yes, jokingly.
On the one hand, I do know the boost that having something to occupy spare time can give. On the other, I also feel super stressed out and tired from working all the time - especially right now during the summer - and trust other moms to know whether it's right for them to work or not work.
I know many women who stay at home and have rich lives - reading, creating, friendships, all the rest. I know others who work and have surprisingly small lives anyway.
Not being hand slappish, just my thoughts.
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PaperAngel
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,312
Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
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Post by PaperAngel on Jul 28, 2016 14:34:36 GMT
The timing of this thread is ideal. A few acquaintances have made this statement to me, although I volunteer ~50 hours most weeks. While some people only value paid positions, I'm blessed to get to know & help (far too many) people who are homeless in our community.
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Post by hollymolly on Jul 28, 2016 14:35:10 GMT
Not really, because I don't know their situation. I agree that there is a great mental health benefit to working, whether it is paid or volunteer. But I have no idea what another person is dealing with, physically or mentally. I also know how incredibly difficult it can be to find a job, and how demoralizing that search can be. I don't know if that person who needs to "get a job" is looking, or has been looking, or is feeling so defeated by rejection that they need to take a break from looking. If you haven't had to look for a job in a while, you have no idea how hard it can be.
I have a friend who would love to work, at anything. You would never know by looking at him that he has a chronic, incurable physical illness. He looks healthy, just a little thin. When he's feeling well he does a lot around the house that is real work. But he had to leave his job when he first got sick, and once he felt that he was well enough to start working again, he found he couldn't keep a job because his illness can flair up at any time without warning and he could be out of commission for a couple of hours or a couple of days or a couple of weeks. He'd love to do some kind of work from home, set your own schedule type job, but if he did anything for money, even part time, he would lose his disability benefits. Then if he went through a long period of time where he was physically unable to do anything at all, he wouldn't have that money coming in. You have to be without income for 6 months before disability kicks in. It's one thing to have built up a 6 month fund when you are healthy, to carry you through when you apply for disability the first time. But if you've done that once, and your only real possibility in the future is a part time job, and you will always have large medical bills, there's really no way to build it up again. Which means you can't afford to go off of disability unless you are 100% cured.
He's just my example of someone who people think should "get a job" when they don't know what he lives with, and how much he really does want to do just that. It definitely affects his mental health, but he's stuck where he is.
Mental health issues are similar. People want to hire someone who is dependable, even for volunteer work. Mental illness can be pretty unpredictable, making it hard to keep a job. Erratic employment history makes it hard to get a job. Having a job helps, but doesn't necessarily make your mental illness improve to the point that you can keep that job. Lots of people with mental illness have and keep jobs, I'm one of them. I feel fortunate that my job is a good fit for me and that my illness is not more severe. But the more severe the mental illness, the less likely having a job is going to be possible, much less make them "better".
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Jul 28, 2016 14:40:33 GMT
I have a friend who staying home with her kids almost literally killed her.
Financially they struggled. She had a son and then twins before he was 2.
The stress of three young kids and a husband who said he didn't want any of them! (Don't get me started on that!)
She could not do it. She was drinking a TON. Initially after the kids went to bed increasingly in the afternoons. She just could not handle life.
Then she was offered a job, and she lied to her husband and told him she didn't get it. All of her friends told her that was a bad idea.
Then everything came to a head. She found out her husband was cheating, and she got the perfect job offer, part time when the kids were at school and she got her shit together.
She and her husband both stopped drinking, she went to therapy, took up running and now 6 years later, they are a happy well adjusted family.
I think if she had never given up work life would not have been so tough.
Some of us need to work. I wish we could all be more supportive and people could do what they need to do and not worry about what the rest of the world thinks.
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~Lauren~
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,876
Jun 26, 2014 3:33:18 GMT
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Post by ~Lauren~ on Jul 28, 2016 14:44:00 GMT
Definitely. I know several people that I said that about because they have nothing to do all day but sitting around thinking about "who done them wrong".
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Post by fuji on Jul 28, 2016 14:48:12 GMT
My mom works at a job that goes in spurts. When she isn't working, her mental health suffers. Her depression becomes much worse and she begins to fixate on other people's lives. Those fixations lead to suggestions on what they should do with their lives. She means well but my SIL probably wants to design her own kitchen and my sister doesn't need a budget created for her because she mentioned that hockey was expensive. Mom then gets more depressed because no one listens to her suggestions. Then she doesn't feel needed. And then she gets even more depressed.
She is 68 years old, and I'm not sure she should ever retire. She needs the distraction of a job.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 6, 2024 20:01:58 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2016 14:59:11 GMT
I think that about many people in my life. I'm sure there are some that think the same of me, that my crafting isn't a job.
My mother is such a social person that retiring has worked against her. Now she's a bigger gossip than she was before and is obsessed with what everyone else is doing. I think she needs to go back to work, even if it's just a part time job at the library or something.
I'm content with being a homebody but there are times where I wish I had a bigger social network. Some people develop one through work but I never did.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jul 28, 2016 15:01:18 GMT
I am the type of person who thinks it's depressing to stay home. I was a stay at home mom for six years and the depression nearly killed me. I am glad I was able to have those early years with my kids but I was eager to get back to work. With that said, I am wishing I wasn't quite so busy all the time. It would be nice if I could work 4 days a week but i just don't see that happening. I wish I had time to volunteer and I wish I could have more time to spend cleaning my house without having to do it on my weekends.
But I sat down with two of my cousins at a family wedding recently and I admit, I judged both of them. They are both stay at home wives as their kids are now grown. Neither of them had anything to talk about. I had my work, my kids, my schooling, my hobbies, all kinds of things to talk about with people who I basically never see except for weddings and funerals and the conversation was completely one sided. I just felt kind of sorry for them. That doesn't seem like a life to me.
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ginacivey
Pearl Clutcher
refupea #2 in southeast missouri
Posts: 4,685
Jun 25, 2014 19:18:36 GMT
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Post by ginacivey on Jul 28, 2016 15:07:43 GMT
They are both stay at home wives as their kids are now grown. Neither of them had anything to talk about. i find this to be common too sometimes a life becomes very small i have one friend - grown kids - no job, no hobbies, doesn't read - house is always clean - has no opinions on much of anything - doesn't concern herself with current affairs but she knows all the small town drama - i think that would be the absolute worse outcome - for me - i just cannot imagine gina
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Post by Linda on Jul 28, 2016 15:20:53 GMT
But I sat down with two of my cousins at a family wedding recently and I admit, I judged both of them. They are both stay at home wives as their kids are now grown. Neither of them had anything to talk about. I had my work, my kids, my schooling, my hobbies, all kinds of things to talk about with people who I basically never see except for weddings and funerals and the conversation was completely one sided. I just felt kind of sorry for them. That doesn't seem like a life to me. Not picking on you specifically - you just succinctly put into words what I hear from my mum - both in actual words and in how she acts around me vs. how she speaks of and acts around my sister (who has a career despite not having a college degree and doesn't have kids). I'm a SAHM and have been for 16 years (with one 6-month stint of work 15 years ago - that nearly put me in a mental hospital) - my kids are almost 10, 16, and almost 25. I do volunteer (with Girl Scouts - I'm the Communications volunteer for our 6-county community and I'll have a Junior troop this fall). I don't drive so my ability to volunteer during the work-day is pretty limited to stuff I can do from home. I'm the caregiver for 81 y/o MIL (in a wheelchair, has an ostomy...) so that also limits my ability to get out during the work-day as she can't be left alone too long. I do have hobbies (scrapbooking, genealogy, sewing) but none of them tend to lend themselves to interesting conversation - especially with people who don't share those interests. I know my mum thinks I have wasted my life and wasted my degree by being at home. And I'm sure she's not the only one - she's just the only one ballsy enough to say that to my face. But the combination of not driving, no real work experience, a husband who works irregular hours (8-5 but often needs to stay late/work wknds so can't be relied on to be home in the evening) and some physical (arthritis, a bad knee) and mental (bipolar - that was worsened by working overnight shifts/sleep deprivation) makes getting and keeping a job quite challenging - both for me individually and for our family logistically.
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Post by disneypal on Jul 28, 2016 15:21:28 GMT
I was just saying this to my BFF, she has neighbors (that I have met) and they are ages 19 and 21 - they have an 18 month old. They live with his grandfather. Neither of them have a job. I don't know how they pay for the baby's needs except I believe they are getting government assistance. The girl applied for a job at Burger Kind and was hired but decided not to show up on her first day, when asked why, she said she didn't want to wear the pants they told her to wear. I have no idea why the young man doesn't get a job. Now they just announced they are pregnant with baby #2. It is like it doesn't even occur to them that one (or both) of them could actually get a job.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jul 28, 2016 15:33:07 GMT
But I sat down with two of my cousins at a family wedding recently and I admit, I judged both of them. They are both stay at home wives as their kids are now grown. Neither of them had anything to talk about. I had my work, my kids, my schooling, my hobbies, all kinds of things to talk about with people who I basically never see except for weddings and funerals and the conversation was completely one sided. I just felt kind of sorry for them. That doesn't seem like a life to me. Not picking on you specifically - you just succinctly put into words what I hear from my mum - both in actual words and in how she acts around me vs. how she speaks of and acts around my sister (who has a career despite not having a college degree and doesn't have kids). I'm a SAHM and have been for 16 years (with one 6-month stint of work 15 years ago - that nearly put me in a mental hospital) - my kids are almost 10, 16, and almost 25. I do volunteer (with Girl Scouts - I'm the Communications volunteer for our 6-county community and I'll have a Junior troop this fall). I don't drive so my ability to volunteer during the work-day is pretty limited to stuff I can do from home. I'm the caregiver for 81 y/o MIL (in a wheelchair, has an ostomy...) so that also limits my ability to get out during the work-day as she can't be left alone too long. I do have hobbies (scrapbooking, genealogy, sewing) but none of them tend to lend themselves to interesting conversation - especially with people who don't share those interests. I know my mum thinks I have wasted my life and wasted my degree by being at home. And I'm sure she's not the only one - she's just the only one ballsy enough to say that to my face. But the combination of not driving, no real work experience, a husband who works irregular hours (8-5 but often needs to stay late/work wknds so can't be relied on to be home in the evening) and some physical (arthritis, a bad knee) and mental (bipolar - that was worsened by working overnight shifts/sleep deprivation) makes getting and keeping a job quite challenging - both for me individually and for our family logistically. I hope you don't think my comment aimed at you. It sounds like you have some challenges and you keep yourself busy with kids, volunteering, hobbies, and caring for your MIL. And just to let you know I struggle with bipolar too so I understand the challenges associated with that as well. I tried to make my comments as specific to my own cousins as I could. I did not wish to insult any pea who makes a different life choice than me.
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Post by rainangel on Jul 28, 2016 15:33:51 GMT
Part of my job is to answer phone calls and do customer service for my workplace. Most of our customers are a delight to deal with, and I have pleasant and rewarding conversations 95% of the time (I say rewarding, because I find it rewarding to help people solve problems). The other 5% of the time I often think that they need a job. Or something more constructive to do in their day rather than nitpick and create issues that are simply not there. And who continue to argue after being given a straight forward answer to their issue that explains it all. Some people just seem to fill their day with picking fights with anyone on their radar at that particular moment. I've experienced it in my current job and previous jobs.
I wonder if some of these people are just so lonely that they need to call and yell at customer service just to have a conversation with another human being.
There seems to be a correlation with age here aswell. I don't think everyone handles retirement well. A lot of retired people I encounter almost seem to be at a loss as to how they are going to fill their days now.
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Post by Linda on Jul 28, 2016 15:42:37 GMT
I hope you don't think my comment aimed at you. It sounds like you have some challenges and you keep yourself busy with kids, volunteering, hobbies, and caring for your MIL. And just to let you know I struggle with bipolar too so I understand the challenges associated with that as well. I tried to make my comments as specific to my own cousins as I could. I did not wish to insult any pea who makes a different life choice than me. I'm not offended - everyone makes their own choices and has their own challenges. I do know that people look at me (especially in this area where there really aren't any SAHMs -especially not once the kids start VPK) and wonder why I don't get a job. And I know I don't have much interesting to share on a day to day basis because day to day, life is pretty much routine (and the stuff that isn't routine, isn't always a good idea to share)
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Kerri W
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,768
Location: Kentucky
Jun 25, 2014 20:31:44 GMT
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Post by Kerri W on Jul 28, 2016 15:45:50 GMT
Yes. But I've also been on both sides of the coin so I try to be cautious in what I am assuming I know about a situation.
I worked from home for 8-9 years when DS1 was little and DDs were in elementary. DS2 came along, DH advanced in his career so we could afford me not working and by that time we had four kids. We made the decision at that point for me to quit working. 1. DDs stepmother had an absolute conniption that I was staying at home and she had to work to pay her husband's child support. I heard a whole lot about my choice to not work! lol The point she didn't get was that my DH was providing my share of our DDs expenses. At that point in time, our family was best served by my not punching a time clock. 2. Also during that time, when I was not living the schedule of a mom with four busy kids, I volunteered because that was good for ME to get out of the house and do my own thing for a while even if it was only a few hours a week.
About two years ago I had the opportunity to go back to work essentially full time. I LOVE IT! It was the best thing I could have done for myself. Now, I'm not curing cancer or changing the world by any means. Mostly I answer phones and do paperwork and inside sales type stuff but my schedule is incredibly flexible. DH travels M-F for work and my mother requires a lot of care/drs appointments which my current job is happy to work around. It's the best of both worlds.
But it would never work if my current employers weren't as free with my schedule as they are. I can't depend on DH's help M-F. We don't live near family and our adult kids both have full time jobs and go to school part time. If something needs to be done, more often than not, I'm the one who has to do it. To the outsider it probably looks like I do a whole lot of nothing since my kids aren't little.
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Post by hollymolly on Jul 28, 2016 16:13:14 GMT
[quote author=" fuji" She is 68 years old, and I'm not sure she should ever retire. She needs the distraction of a job.[/quote] I know that's true for me. I've not worked for periods of time because I thought it would help with depression. I was wrong. I just needed the right job, among other things. Retirement kind of scares me. But... that's me. I'm sure you know your mom well enough to know that's what she needs too. I'm just thinking maybe we should limit those "get a job" thoughts to people we know really well.
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Post by ChicagoKTS on Jul 28, 2016 16:14:15 GMT
All the time, all the time. I don't judge anyone who doesn't participate in an outside the home or non-family related endeavor whether a paying job or a volunteer position that doesn't relate to their kids, but some people could really benefit just from getting a different perspective and in some cases a reality check.
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Post by femalebusiness on Jul 28, 2016 16:26:24 GMT
Yep, I know someone who says "I'm tryyyying". I always say don't try, do.
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Post by dewryce on Jul 28, 2016 16:36:08 GMT
I know many women who stay at home and have rich lives - reading, creating, friendships, all the rest. I know others who work and have surprisingly small lives anyway. Not being hand slappish, just my thoughts. I agree with this completely.
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Post by mrsscrapdiva on Jul 28, 2016 16:36:52 GMT
Thanks hollymolly you said what I was thinking. I just was recently in a class for people looking to get back into workforce. Just hearing some of the situations why people were let go, why they are unemployed and why they are out of work so long is daunting. I clearly know some people, no matter what the situation, have one excuse after another, but some of these people are legitimately can not find work in our city.
ETA: add in the whole childcare situation like others have said and it can be difficult to find an understanding employer.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jul 28, 2016 16:49:28 GMT
I have a friend that from the outside I'm sure people might think that. But she has a chronic debilitating illness that can and does flare up suddenly. Not knowing in advance when she will have a good day or a bad day makes it pretty hard to have a regular job. Even volunteer work can be tough to schedule when things can change from hour to hour.
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Post by Delta Dawn on Jul 28, 2016 16:55:25 GMT
When I gave birth my doctor wanted me back at work ASAP. She said forget the mat leave you need to be at work. I don't care how many hours you teach, just go back and keep busy. It was excellent advice for me. I hated being at home all the time. I was isolated, depressed and "stuck". I had to teach a whole lot less as I had no way of finding my own child care and that was a nightmare, but the mental health benefits to going back to work were incredible. My stupid husband at the time didn't see I was struggling and couldn't deal with the lack of child care. (One of the nails in the coffin of the marriage as you can see).
Working for me helped immensely with the loneliness and gave me a purpose.
I work 3 sometimes 4 days a week now. They aren't full days but they are enough to keep my brain active, meeting people and gives me something fun to do. (My feet may hate me, but it's worth it!)
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