zookeeper
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,909
Aug 28, 2014 2:37:56 GMT
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Post by zookeeper on Jul 31, 2016 6:51:55 GMT
If you read my earlier thread about my son and experiencing sexual harassment at work...this is completely unrelated.
My son is 19 years old and has always been an emotional child. He is naturally an introvert and does not share his feelings easily.
He had a long term girlfriend who broke up with him back in December. They had been together for three years. This completely destroyed him. He is not a "player." He is a one woman kind of guy. He has not been the same since and has not dated anybody else.
He has experienced bouts of depression in the past. I have encouraged him to talk to me about, go see our family doctor, offered to make an appointment with a therapist, etc.
Tonight, he came home from work and went straight to his bed and cried. Let me tell you...it is downright frightening to see your 19 year old son crying in his bed.
We have a family member who is a mentor and life coach for struggling people. He is an amazing person. He has offered to mentor and counsel my son at no charge. He truly has a gift for helping people. My son is concerned that there will be no confidentially but my family member has assured me that short of my son treating to hurt himself or others that he will not break confidentiality.
I think my son is willing to see him., but I am not going to force him. I am just so sad that my son is so distraught about his life.
I have asked him in the past to go see our family doctor and talk to him and my son has never been open to this in the past. Tonight he told me that if I made the appointment that he would be willing to go see him. This is huge. Our family doctor has been seeing my son for at least 10 years and has a son the same age as mine. My son and our family doctor have developed a bond of trust.
My son has been of the mindset that he does not need drugs to regulate his depression. He views it as a weakness which is the same mindset that my ex-husband took as well. He comes by that mindset naturally.
I tried to tell my son in the past that there is no shame in seeking medical help for depression. I have appealed to the science man in him (bio-medical engineering) and explained that sometimes there is a chemical imbalance in the brain and drugs are necessary to reset his brain.
I just feel so hopeless and I don't know how to help him. I am naturally a very happy person and I feel that I am not equipped to be able to help him through this.
If you have read this far...thank you. I am only seeking advice here on how you may have helped your young adult through feelings of sadness and depression.
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Post by freecharlie on Jul 31, 2016 6:59:23 GMT
I don't have any real advice, but I didn't want to read and run.
I would encourage your son to talk to the life coach at least once.
I hope he gets what he needs.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 9:41:12 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 31, 2016 7:21:52 GMT
I'm SO very sorry for you! As a parent, you feel helpless, sad and worried, right??? I felt this way with both of my children. My DD28 was born with immediate issues (separation anxiety, anxiety in general, increased anxiety, early onset of puberty--another way to distance herself from her peers...). She got to the point where she was bullied a bit in school. She had always been bored in school because she was SO far ahead, intelluctually, but we chose not to put her in the gifted program solely based on her lack of interpersonal skills. Anyway, it was a long journey until she got diagnosed with bipolar at age 16. She missed a few years of jr high/high school (was homeschooled by her teachers). She made it back to school in her senior year, which was GREAT. But every step that you're expecting, that has a different outcome, is heavy on our hearts. I understand that.
DS26 (almost 26), has had his own issues. I've stated on here before about both of them. He was always the class clown. Hard to pin down and make him be serious or study. He was more interested in social skills. Totally opposite of DD. I had no idea he began dabbling in pot, alcohol, cigarettes and then down that horrible path of drugs (serious drugs). We almost lost him a few times. It's heartbreaking....... His issues were stemmed from low self-esteem, depression and a bit of anxiety. Who knew? He seemed outgoing, hilarious and warm. I missed the signs, completely, until I caught on, and then I was blessed enough to have my family back me/him up. They were relentless. They were always giving him love and guidance. They were always urging him to get into a program and to just separate himself from his friends. He didn't listen. I got divorced and he stayed with the ex (bad move). I swear, I expected "the call" to say he was gone.......... It's terrible.
But, things change. The Ex met someone and was essentially kicking out DS. DS asked if he could move to FL with us. I was newly married, but DH said, "of course!". So, we went from being newlyweds, to having a full house with my 2 adult children. Thank God we are all close, and most of all I think God that DH was able to be the one to reach through to DS and get him firmly on that clear path. He got him in a program and changed his life. They are truly best friends. I don't know why or how, but they 2 of them clicked and their relationship works. He saved DS, and I thank God every single day. DS got a few jobs before settling with Kohl's and what he was done for the company has been ground-breaking. He's gotten awards which were unprecidented for this area/this State!! He just keeps moving up (although they'd LOVE to keep him selling their credit cards, which is where the company makes the most $$, but he's too smart and intelluctually bored with things that are too easy). Anyway, he's been clean for almost 3 years. Sadly, he's lost over 100 friends to drugs. They remaining circle of drugged friends are in the past for him. He's moved on to real relationships.
My advice to you (after this epic post!) is that you should keep pushing and suggesting that he see someone, anyone!! A social worker, a therapist, a psychologist, psychiatrist........... ANYONE. Sometimes just beginning to talk about what's going on, opens up a whole world of realization and changes their life. Everyone in your son's circle should keep up too. You are all his lifeline. Keep pushing. Keep the #'s of these places that he could go to. My son didn't even have medical coverage, but we were determined to have him go anyway. I'm SURE that if he goes, and if they determine what his real medical diagnosis is (and possibly put him on meds), his life will change for the better. It's just GETTING HIM TO GO!!!!!!!!!! Some people do need meds to change the way their brain is wired. It's that simple. I only now understand it from watching my daughter go through it. Amazingly, I never needed it, even though I've been through a traumatic accident as a teen. Back then, I think we were just strong for our family and we pushed through. I did get therapy down the line. It's invaluable. I pray that he gets it and that his anxiety and depression will be lifted, and that you will feel some sense of relief.
Prayers to you. You're a wonderful mom!
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Post by Really Red on Jul 31, 2016 11:56:52 GMT
I am so sorry. I have two 19yos and they're adults, but still our kids.
I am a great believer in therapy. It's hard to find the right person and that may be your family member, but I would encourage you to ask him to help you find someone nonrelated. I know your son is resistant, but people who are depressed cannot see what they need sometimes - a lot of times. It takes the meds to regulate them and then the entire world opens up. I have seen this with a relative of mine who took a small dose of meds and about 3 weeks into the meds turned into a completely different person. I would have never thought it possible as she was a negative person. Kind, but pretty introverted. With meds, she is an outgoing happy person. It was a pretty amazing transformation. She was youngish (early 20s) when she started.
Good luck. It's hard to be an advocate for an adult who needs help.
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Post by mikklynn on Jul 31, 2016 12:09:24 GMT
I'm SO very sorry for you! As a parent, you feel helpless, sad and worried, right??? I felt this way with both of my children. My DD28 was born with immediate issues (separation anxiety, anxiety in general, increased anxiety, early onset of puberty--another way to distance herself from her peers...). She got to the point where she was bullied a bit in school. She had always been bored in school because she was SO far ahead, intelluctually, but we chose not to put her in the gifted program solely based on her lack of interpersonal skills. Anyway, it was a long journey until she got diagnosed with bipolar at age 16. She missed a few years of jr high/high school (was homeschooled by her teachers). She made it back to school in her senior year, which was GREAT. But every step that you're expecting, that has a different outcome, is heavy on our hearts. I understand that. DS26 (almost 26), has had his own issues. I've stated on here before about both of them. He was always the class clown. Hard to pin down and make him be serious or study. He was more interested in social skills. Totally opposite of DD. I had no idea he began dabbling in pot, alcohol, cigarettes and then down that horrible path of drugs (serious drugs). We almost lost him a few times. It's heartbreaking....... His issues were stemmed from low self-esteem, depression and a bit of anxiety. Who knew? He seemed outgoing, hilarious and warm. I missed the signs, completely, until I caught on, and then I was blessed enough to have my family back me/him up. They were relentless. They were always giving him love and guidance. They were always urging him to get into a program and to just separate himself from his friends. He didn't listen. I got divorced and he stayed with the ex (bad move). I swear, I expected "the call" to say he was gone.......... It's terrible. But, things change. The Ex met someone and was essentially kicking out DS. DS asked if he could move to FL with us. I was newly married, but DH said, "of course!". So, we went from being newlyweds, to having a full house with my 2 adult children. Thank God we are all close, and most of all I think God that DH was able to be the one to reach through to DS and get him firmly on that clear path. He got him in a program and changed his life. They are truly best friends. I don't know why or how, but they 2 of them clicked and their relationship works. He saved DS, and I thank God every single day. DS got a few jobs before settling with Kohl's and what he was done for the company has been ground-breaking. He's gotten awards which were unprecidented for this area/this State!! He just keeps moving up (although they'd LOVE to keep him selling their credit cards, which is where the company makes the most $$, but he's too smart and intelluctually bored with things that are too easy). Anyway, he's been clean for almost 3 years. Sadly, he's lost over 100 friends to drugs. They remaining circle of drugged friends are in the past for him. He's moved on to real relationships. My advice to you (after this epic post!) is that you should keep pushing and suggesting that he see someone, anyone!! A social worker, a therapist, a psychologist, psychiatrist........... ANYONE. Sometimes just beginning to talk about what's going on, opens up a whole world of realization and changes their life. Everyone in your son's circle should keep up too. You are all his lifeline. Keep pushing. Keep the #'s of these places that he could go to. My son didn't even have medical coverage, but we were determined to have him go anyway. I'm SURE that if he goes, and if they determine what his real medical diagnosis is (and possibly put him on meds), his life will change for the better. It's just GETTING HIM TO GO!!!!!!!!!! Some people do need meds to change the way their brain is wired. It's that simple. I only now understand it from watching my daughter go through it. Amazingly, I never needed it, even though I've been through a traumatic accident as a teen. Back then, I think we were just strong for our family and we pushed through. I did get therapy down the line. It's invaluable. I pray that he gets it and that his anxiety and depression will be lifted, and that you will feel some sense of relief. Prayers to you. You're a wonderful mom! Beautifully written! Thank you for sharing your stories with us. It's so important that parents know lots of us have gone through this. Our DD (33) suffered from depression in her senior year. She started medications, but stopped and went downhill quickly. I sat down with her asked how she'd feel if I stopped taking Lipitor for my high cholesterol, with my family history of heart disease. She said she'd be really upset. I told her that is how I felt about her not taking her anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications. It's the same thing. We BOTH have chemical imbalances in our body that need to be treated. This worked for us. But, I still remind her occasionally that it's not "weak".
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janeliz
Drama Llama
I'm the Wiz and nobody beats me.
Posts: 5,633
Jun 26, 2014 14:35:07 GMT
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Post by janeliz on Jul 31, 2016 12:34:27 GMT
I have no experience with anti-depressants, but I'm glad you're encouraging him to talk to someone. I hope he'll stay open to the idea.
I'm so sorry he's hurting. I know your heart is breaking for him.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Jul 31, 2016 17:05:59 GMT
(((hugs))))
My thoughts are with your son, and your family.
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purplebee
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,734
Jun 27, 2014 20:37:34 GMT
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Post by purplebee on Jul 31, 2016 17:14:01 GMT
As the Mom of a just turned 21 yo ds, I really feel for you. It's so much easier when they are little kids and there is no question of them doing what you tell them to do. Parenting young adults can be so much harder!
Hope your boy can get some counseling to help him through this rough patch. Some great advice has been given in this thread!
Hugs and prayers for both of you.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 9:41:12 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 31, 2016 17:20:06 GMT
I'm SO very sorry for you! As a parent, you feel helpless, sad and worried, right??? I felt this way with both of my children. My DD28 was born with immediate issues (separation anxiety, anxiety in general, increased anxiety, early onset of puberty--another way to distance herself from her peers...). She got to the point where she was bullied a bit in school. She had always been bored in school because she was SO far ahead, intelluctually, but we chose not to put her in the gifted program solely based on her lack of interpersonal skills. Anyway, it was a long journey until she got diagnosed with bipolar at age 16. She missed a few years of jr high/high school (was homeschooled by her teachers). She made it back to school in her senior year, which was GREAT. But every step that you're expecting, that has a different outcome, is heavy on our hearts. I understand that. DS26 (almost 26), has had his own issues. I've stated on here before about both of them. He was always the class clown. Hard to pin down and make him be serious or study. He was more interested in social skills. Totally opposite of DD. I had no idea he began dabbling in pot, alcohol, cigarettes and then down that horrible path of drugs (serious drugs). We almost lost him a few times. It's heartbreaking....... His issues were stemmed from low self-esteem, depression and a bit of anxiety. Who knew? He seemed outgoing, hilarious and warm. I missed the signs, completely, until I caught on, and then I was blessed enough to have my family back me/him up. They were relentless. They were always giving him love and guidance. They were always urging him to get into a program and to just separate himself from his friends. He didn't listen. I got divorced and he stayed with the ex (bad move). I swear, I expected "the call" to say he was gone.......... It's terrible. But, things change. The Ex met someone and was essentially kicking out DS. DS asked if he could move to FL with us. I was newly married, but DH said, "of course!". So, we went from being newlyweds, to having a full house with my 2 adult children. Thank God we are all close, and most of all I think God that DH was able to be the one to reach through to DS and get him firmly on that clear path. He got him in a program and changed his life. They are truly best friends. I don't know why or how, but they 2 of them clicked and their relationship works. He saved DS, and I thank God every single day. DS got a few jobs before settling with Kohl's and what he was done for the company has been ground-breaking. He's gotten awards which were unprecidented for this area/this State!! He just keeps moving up (although they'd LOVE to keep him selling their credit cards, which is where the company makes the most $$, but he's too smart and intelluctually bored with things that are too easy). Anyway, he's been clean for almost 3 years. Sadly, he's lost over 100 friends to drugs. They remaining circle of drugged friends are in the past for him. He's moved on to real relationships. My advice to you (after this epic post!) is that you should keep pushing and suggesting that he see someone, anyone!! A social worker, a therapist, a psychologist, psychiatrist........... ANYONE. Sometimes just beginning to talk about what's going on, opens up a whole world of realization and changes their life. Everyone in your son's circle should keep up too. You are all his lifeline. Keep pushing. Keep the #'s of these places that he could go to. My son didn't even have medical coverage, but we were determined to have him go anyway. I'm SURE that if he goes, and if they determine what his real medical diagnosis is (and possibly put him on meds), his life will change for the better. It's just GETTING HIM TO GO!!!!!!!!!! Some people do need meds to change the way their brain is wired. It's that simple. I only now understand it from watching my daughter go through it. Amazingly, I never needed it, even though I've been through a traumatic accident as a teen. Back then, I think we were just strong for our family and we pushed through. I did get therapy down the line. It's invaluable. I pray that he gets it and that his anxiety and depression will be lifted, and that you will feel some sense of relief. Prayers to you. You're a wonderful mom! Beautifully written! Thank you for sharing your stories with us. It's so important that parents know lots of us have gone through this. Our DD (33) suffered from depression in her senior year. She started medications, but stopped and went downhill quickly. I sat down with her asked how she'd feel if I stopped taking Lipitor for my high cholesterol, with my family history of heart disease. She said she'd be really upset. I told her that is how I felt about her not taking her anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications. It's the same thing. We BOTH have chemical imbalances in our body that need to be treated. This worked for us. But, I still remind her occasionally that it's not "weak". mikklynn: Thank you. It's important to be open and share what we've gone through--it might help another mom or parent out there. In your case, I'm sorry you went through that with your DD too. I neglected to add that with DD28, her doctors stessed how important it was to take her meds on time, every day and night, and not to mix any alcohol or anything OTC without asking them first. She has adhered to this SO strictly and has never had a sip of alcohol. If she even has a headache, she double checks that the OTC meds are safe to take with her Rx's. *I* stressed to her exactly what you said: That this is to "level" her out, just as my high blood pressure meds level me out. There shouldn't be a negative connotation to having to rely on their meds. It's NOT a sign of weakness; it's just how their brains are made up. Prayers to your DD that she'll continue doing the healthy, right thing for herself. I'm sure that your journey was very trying as her parent, for a while.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jul 31, 2016 17:33:57 GMT
I am bipolar and I had this same attitude about taking medicine. It was first suggested to me that I had a mood disorder when I was 18 years old. And yet I tried to manage with counseling only until I was 29. It was a huge mistake. I think about how different my life could have been had I accepted much earlier the medication I desperately needed. Now my 14 year old son is working with a bipolar diagnosis as well. It is really scary to watch your child suffer like that. I give you hugs. I cannot seem to get my son to accept counseling. He went six visits and refuses to go any more. The good thing is that he's at least open to medication but finding the right ones has been difficult. I would stress to your son that he doesn't have to live this way. Medication can be life changing.
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smcast
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,320
Location: MN
Mar 18, 2016 14:06:38 GMT
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Post by smcast on Jul 31, 2016 19:37:40 GMT
I would talk to him about how mental health is just as important as physical health. Talk about life goals and how things are hindered right now with things out of sync. He has had some time on his own but things haven't improved. Time to try something different. Contract with him to "try" a medical professional's advice and reevaluate after an appropriate time frame.
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Post by rst on Jul 31, 2016 23:34:34 GMT
I understand how painful it is as the parent to witness your child struggling so.
I'd add that if antidepressants are in order, remind him -- don't give up if the first medication or dosing doesn't seem to work. Medical professionals should be able to work with him to find the right medication and therapy combinations. And it may take some time. It's a tricky space as a parent -- you want to support and help, but ultimately, they have to be ready to accept and seek help themselves. But then too, he's young; 19 is technically an adult, sure, but it's a transitional age, and any of us who remember toddler years knows in our core that transitions are hard.
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Post by scrappingirl212 on Aug 1, 2016 1:09:38 GMT
Everyone's stories are so special and mean so much.
How painful and agonizing to go through this. I remember well. I have 2 DS's (32 and 24) who were both in counseling in their teen years. I worried soooo much about both of them during those times. I think early teens-early 20's is such a hard time for kids.
The good news is that things usually do get better. I highly recommend he go to counseling asap and regularly. And just let him know that these are the hardest years for a lot of people and he is normal to feel like this.
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zookeeper
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,909
Aug 28, 2014 2:37:56 GMT
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Post by zookeeper on Aug 1, 2016 1:23:57 GMT
Thank you all so much for your words of calm and encouragement. It is so hard to watch your child be in so much pain. I truly appreciate your personal stories and struggles. It gives me hope for my son.
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