momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,151
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Nov 9, 2016 16:39:58 GMT
Just wondering, maybe trying to justify my feelings on how much you compromise on holidays to make everyone happy on holidays and what you think of this scenario. We've alternated what where we are at for holidays, but same group of family. When at home things are ok from my perspective. Adults talk, kids generally amused either playing something outside or in (my youngest is 17 and the cousins are elementary age. My kids are mostly early 20's and they'll stick around and play with/amuse the cousins. When we spend a holiday at someone else's home my kids are bored out of their minds. As one said, you can't even watch tv because they just play video games all day. They just sit and watch them play. The adult conversation is not entertaining, there are a few overbearing adults who monopolize it. To be honest I think it's probably only tolerable when I host because i'm too busy to be involved. Last time around it was so bad I went and watched the kids play video games. Having all the holidays isn't optional. The parents of the smaller children want to be home which I totally get. Guess i'm finding that I enjoy the holidays less and less and feel like i'm compromising my own family units happiness for others. So do you feel that holidays are a family must? I feel like i'm good to my parents every day, see them often. It's getting hard to take everyone's feelings into account.
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Post by Linda on Nov 9, 2016 17:33:23 GMT
I decided when I first got married that I didn't travel for Christmas - not across town, not across the country. Christmas Night and Christmas Day would be spent in our own home building our own traditions. Not everyone was happy with that but it really has worked for the best. I think that with YOUR children all older teens/young adults - that perhaps it's time to start some new traditions. Pretty soon your kids will be moving away, getting married, etc...so think about what YOU want the holidays to look like THEN and start making changes towards that. Perhaps pick one holiday to spend with your parents? I found Thanksgiving was a good one with my ILs because the focus was on food, family, and football and there weren't issues about gifts and different holiday traditions like there were with Christmas and Easter. New Years DAY is another good option Now MIL and FIL and 4 of DH's siblings are all deceased - we try and do a big family gettogether with my nieces/nephews and their kids either the weekend after Thanksgiving or a weekend around New Years. I've chosen to host that. My hope is that as my children leave the nest (one already has) that IF they live locally or choose to travel, already having a tradition of having a yearly gathering not on a specific holiday might make it easier for them to come without giving up their own traditions or having to upset ILs. All the other holidays are our immediate family -DH, me, and our 2 youngest - at home.
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Post by littlemama on Nov 9, 2016 17:38:59 GMT
Your "children" are adults. They should be able to join the adult conversation, or take a game or a deck of cards and try to involve others. I might shorten the length of the visit and try to keep it to mostly dinner plus a little extra time, so it doesn't look like you are eating and running.
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amom23
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,331
Jun 27, 2014 12:39:18 GMT
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Post by amom23 on Nov 9, 2016 17:44:33 GMT
My oldest was 20 years old before he finally spent Christmas Eve at his own home. Holidays have always alternated between being out of town with my side of the family or at my MIL's house. Last year DH and I boycotted and spent Thanksgiving at home with the kids and Christmas Eve was also spent at home with our kids (Christmas Day we went to MIL's house). I am so sick and tired of the holiday rat race. My kids are older and we are way past ready for our own family traditions.
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Post by papersilly on Nov 9, 2016 17:46:35 GMT
I've stopped trying. I understand people have two sides of family gatherings to attend. When we host, whoever can come, can come. I've gotten tired of switching days and times to please everyone. Now, we do it for ourselves and whomever can come. the holidays can still be great without stressing out over who can come and how many can come.
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
Jun 25, 2014 20:06:48 GMT
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Post by freebird on Nov 9, 2016 17:52:33 GMT
i say either come late and bring dessert and stay shorter, OR, bring a box of games and old home movies or something. GIVE THEM something to do besides talk and watch video games.
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Post by **GypsyGirl** on Nov 9, 2016 17:53:06 GMT
We spent 10 years doing the alternating holiday routine. When DD arrived, I put my foot down and said all holidays would be spent at home. Both sets of grandparents were retired and/or able to travel to us. The fact that my in-laws never chose to do so (because it meant not spending it with their other grandchildren) was their problem - and their loss. My parents came when they were able to. I never regretted choosing to start our own traditions for holidays. Everyone has to do what they feel most comfortable with. I think moving a lot as a child and not always being with extended family growing up helped me to stand firm on our decision.
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quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,708
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Nov 9, 2016 18:15:58 GMT
My ds & ddil decided before they got married that they wouldn't travel on Christmas Day. That day was their own family day even before they had children. They live close to me & are 2 hours away from her side of family.
My former husband was very vocal about their decision. I was quiet as I lived 1 1/2 hours away from my family.
Their life and their decision. My former in-laws seemed to think that they were in control of our marriage & family life. It was very difficult to live with their interface in our life. Some holidays were very stressful. I told my ds & ddil that I would respect their decision. I think that they got a lot of opposition from her mom.
I spend Christmas Eve with them at their home. It is great & a lovely evening. Bonus is that my gifts are the first for my dgc & my xh sees the great gifts that I gave. I put a lot of thought into my gifts (my love language, if you subscribe to this theory). He even sent me a message about this a few years ago.
It's hard not to feel lonely on Christmas Day, however, I remind myself that I raised a wonderful son who puts HIS family first & that is a mutual decision that he & his wife made.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 9:25:25 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 9, 2016 21:05:20 GMT
That's one advantage of being a hospital nurse. No one expects you for any holiday or event. And if you're on call sometimes you might get to go to work when it's time to wash dishes.
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Post by Basket1lady on Nov 9, 2016 21:24:44 GMT
I would suggest going in 2 cars. Agree with your adult children ahead of time how long they will be at the family gathering. Then let them leave with a clear conscience. If you need to, make an excuse--boy/girlfriends, friend party, work...
My in laws are older and we don't see them often. We find that puzzles are a good activity. Enough to keep the quiet ones occupied and easy enough to have casual conversation. Photos are good, too. Let your kids put together 10 or so photos into an album on their phone and have them share that with the grands. Or put together a slide show of past Christmases. If I were a grandparent, I would love that way more than a package of candy or a tree ornament!
Not so long ago, my kids were the young ones and DS always got a video game for Christmas. He LOVED it when our nephew would play with him or hang out with him. There was a 12 year difference between them, so I'm sure that it was excruciating for my nephew to hang out with a 6 year old. But they are adults now and have a relationship that wouldn't be there if not for those long video game sessions.
They are old enough to know that you do for family. And you aren't so old that you remember how boring the same conversations are to listen to again and again.
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Post by deafpea on Nov 9, 2016 22:03:42 GMT
When I first got married almost 20 years ago, we spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family because my in-laws lived in Seattle and my family were all in-state. Plus I was the first one of my family to get married and have children. I didn't mind because to me, holidays are about family. When my brother and sister got married and had children, my parents decided that we'd alternate Thanksgiving so the in-laws could get Thanksgiving on Thanksgiving every other year. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day would be for the individual families. So for the last 15+ years we've had Thanksgiving on Thanksgiving every other year, and on the "off" years, had Thanksgiving on Friday or Saturday. We've had a family party with my family around mid-December with Christmas dinner, gift exchange and all the fun of Christmas.
With my in-laws, my parents-in-law moved here permanently about 12 years ago or so. They travel a lot, so we fit in celebrations around their schedule. DH has only his sister here in-state--everyone else lives out of state. She invites us to her home for Thanksgiving when she hosts, with the understanding that there are no hard feelings if we have other plans. There's a big family party for my MIL's family (her sisters and their children and families) in the days after Christmas.
I love how we celebrate holidays because it's spread out so we get to extend the celebrations. We get to spend Christmas Eve/Christmas Day at home without having to rush through our activities so we can get ready to go somewhere. And we're not spending the holiday traveling.
This year, because Christmas is on Sunday, we will only have the first hour of our usual 3 hour church service. We will attend church from 11 am to 12 noon. I suggested to my DH and DD that we go to his parents' home for the afternoon (assuming they would be in town) and I would bring some activities to do but that idea was shot down by DD pretty quickly--she loves staying home on Christmas, reading the new book(s) she gets, playing with her younger brothers and their new toys and just generally relaxing.
Merilee
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Post by crazy4scraps on Nov 9, 2016 23:19:17 GMT
We spent a lot of years running around trying to make everybody happy. Once we had our kid, I decided I was done chasing all over town to accommodate everybody else. Forget that! It was only an issue for one year, and then both of our remaining parents passed away the following summer. Sometimes DH's sister tries to hijack our holidays and these days we don't budge. We really don't want to host either so we don't offer. It's so much nicer when we can just stay home all day in our jammies!
I vote for the idea of letting your adult kids drive separately. That way they can take part for as long as they want and they can bail whenever they want (that is, once the dishes are done).
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