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Post by Susie_Homemaker on Nov 22, 2016 16:54:50 GMT
I have a friend that lives in another state, we met about 14 years ago when she lived here but she moved shortly after that. We became good friends and spent lots of time on the phone together. She went through several break-ups with boyfriends and relied heavily on me during those times. She'd call and need a shoulder even though I had small kids, I did what I could for her.
She's much "needier" than I am- we're really opposite personalities- and a lot of the times it did feel very one-sided. I did know she'd be there for me but I also knew it might turn into something about her along the way. There always seems to be drama in her life and I really don't enjoy a drama filled life.
I kinda pulled away from her about 3 years ago. I didn't talk to her as much and didn't always respond when she called. I had decided that since we live so far apart that it would be better to cool the friendship. It had gotten to be a drain on me.
Well right after that her son (4yo) got cancer and my marriage imploded. We individually had more on our plates than we could handle. She understandably couldn't be on the phone due to medical situations, living in the hospital, traveling back and forth home, taking care of her DD and trying to keep her DS alive. I stepped back and respected that. I told her if she wanted to talk I'd be there. I didn't tell her what was going on with me bec I didn't want to add to her burden or turn things to myself bec her son was so sick.
So a few months ago we had a conversation and she blasted me for not being there for her and how she was hurt. I know that I wasn't there for her but it was intentional. I had decided before her son's cancer to step back and then with my marriage I emotionally had *nothing* left to give to her. So we called a truce and chilled the friendship and haven't spoken since.
I really would rather keep it this way but she called yesterday and left me a message. She wished me the best and hoped we were doing well. Now I don't know what to do. I don't want to be a cold bitch to her, I do care about her, but I do know that if we rekindle the friendship that I will disappoint and hurt her again. I just don't want to have the friendship that we had. Am I being a horrible person? What would you say about this situation? I'm just torn.
And a small example of the drama that I'm referring to is that the last time we spoke she couldn't reach me immediately so she called my DH and then my mom. It just escalated from there and I truly didn't appreciate her adding them into something that had nothing to do with them.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Nov 22, 2016 16:58:01 GMT
Can you just text her back and say: All is well, Happy Thanksgiving. Talk soon. ?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 29, 2024 14:05:22 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2016 17:00:13 GMT
Yeah, don't call her back if you do not wish to rekindle your friendship with her. Text her if possible saying thank you for your call. I am well. Happy holidays.
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Post by krc11 on Nov 22, 2016 17:00:28 GMT
I'd cool it. You don't want to be in a close friendship with her. That's okay, especially since she seems so one sided. She blasted you without even asking you why. Have you even told her why ever? Just say "Thanks for your thoughts. We are doing well (or whatever is true). Hope you are too" and then don't engage anymore. If she persists, that might be the time to tell her that you don't want to disappoint her but don't feel you can meet her needs. It's okay to say that. I doesn't make you a horrible person.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 29, 2024 14:05:22 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2016 17:02:49 GMT
"I really would rather keep it this way".
You have your answer right there.
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scrappyesq
Pearl Clutcher
You have always been a part of the heist. You're only mad now because you don't like your cut.
Posts: 4,029 
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Post by scrappyesq on Nov 22, 2016 17:07:55 GMT
I would leave out the talk soon part and move on with your life.
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Post by knit.pea on Nov 22, 2016 17:12:05 GMT
These friend things sure can weigh heavily on us for a long time  You pulled away for a reason (before anything happened). Can you handle being not-so-close friends and maintain the distance you need? I'm there with a couple people right now. Just couldn't be the one reaching out any more, and just couldn't listen to the issues the other person always had. Now it's just mailing Christmas cards to each other. Kind of sucks that all our years of history together couldn't withstand "life". And other than the cards, there is no reaching out on their end. Weird, sad, but I was done. |
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lesley
Drama Llama
My best friend Turriff, desperately missed.
Posts: 7,171
Location: Scotland, Scotland, Scotland
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Post by lesley on Nov 22, 2016 17:12:20 GMT
I have mixed feelings about your dilemma, mostly because of my own experience. I kinda could be your friend. My best friend of over 30 years pulled away from me about six years ago. I was going through a lot of drama (none of it of my own making), trauma, and heartbreak, and my friend so wasn't there for me. I know she was suffering from depression, so I didn't put any pressure on her. That being said, she knew she was depressed, she had worked as a senior psychiatric nurse for ten years, but she wasn't willing to seek any help.
I still think of her occasionally. I sent her a birthday card this year, just wishing her and her family well, and saying that I miss her. I got no response, and I have accepted that and mostly moved on. So I feel for your friend in this situation. Even though you had nothing left to give her at the time, you should have told her that you were going through a bad time yourself. Otherwise, it will have appeared to her as though you didn't care. I lost a few friends when my DD had severe mental illness, and I'm still not exactly sure why. If they had major problems of their own, that would have been a strange kind of comfort to me, because it would have been an explanation for what just seemed like a lack of interest. DYKWIM?
Going forward, I would tell her now where you were at that time. If you don't want to keep in touch after that, then it's kinder to let her know, rather than say nothing. Tell her you're busier than you used to be (job, family, kids or whatever) and you just can't keep up the way you used to. I would try to let her down lightly if you can.
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Post by Susie_Homemaker on Nov 22, 2016 17:12:51 GMT
She blasted you without even asking you why. Have you even told her why ever? Before she blasted me she didn't know about my marriage. I told her then. We were separated at that point and had been for months, it was all I could do to breathe. Ultimately I don't want to be the friend that she leans on. I can't really do that anymore, a)I don't want to and b)it's still too much even though DH and I are back together. I know that she'll call and I won't answer and that I'll just hurt her again. She has a lot of needs (NOT related to her DS) and they usually have to be addressed "right now". It's better to just stay stepped back, right? She feels like she did something wrong and she didn't and I hate to have her think that. I did tell her that I can't be there for her and I'd just end up hurting and disappointing her when we talked before. ugh |
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NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,856
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Nov 22, 2016 17:12:56 GMT
I was going to say to just send her a quick message saying "Have a great holiday season and wonderful 2017" but when I got to the last part about her calling your DH and mom that would have sent me over the edge. I now say ignore her and if she keeps calling people I would be blunt and tell her to knock her shit off calling everyone you know.
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PaperAngel
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,301
Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
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Post by PaperAngel on Nov 22, 2016 17:17:45 GMT
Since your lengthy friendship has always been one-sided & your efforts never reciprocated, it's understandable that you may choose to remain acquaintances or permanently sever ties. My suggestion is to send a quick reply (eg Hope to find you're also doing well. Happy holidays!) to be polite, acknowledge her message, & hopefully avoid her contacting other family members. Lather, rinse, repeat to every message she sends, only elaborating or getting more involved as you wish.
Please take care of yourself, & happy holidays to you!.
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MizIndependent
Drama Llama
Quit your bullpoop.
Posts: 5,836
Jun 25, 2014 19:43:16 GMT
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Post by MizIndependent on Nov 22, 2016 17:25:46 GMT
Can you just text her back and say: All is well, Happy Thanksgiving. Talk soon. ? This. Except I'd probably say "All is well, hope you are too. Happy Thanksgiving.  " If you don't want to rekindle the friendship, make sure you don't leave the door open. |
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Post by Susie_Homemaker on Nov 22, 2016 17:57:18 GMT
Lather, rinse, repeat to every message she sends, only elaborating or getting more involved as you wish. This is what I'm afraid of. If I text her she might call again and again or text again and again. She can escalate things and I really, really don't want to deal with that. I'd like it to be like ripping a band-aid off but she may not let it go that way. |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 29, 2024 14:05:22 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2016 18:01:53 GMT
She may call and call again if she doesn't hear back from you though. That's why you text her back but don't leave it open ended. Don't ask how she is. Don't volunteer any info other than you are well. Heck...at the end of it, tell her to have a good life but you don't want to be part of it. Then block her number.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,151
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Nov 22, 2016 18:54:40 GMT
It's ok to step away and not feel badly about it. Unfortunately a lot of people feel badly when they do so. I've had that friend. In fact it's been quite a few years since we last spoke, more than 10. She just facebook requested me and I've ignored it. I have to admit to feeling bad about it, BUT I know her and that'd be an invitation for her to drop by. Friendship with her is just too much so I keep my distance
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Post by papersilly on Nov 22, 2016 18:58:12 GMT
if you are done, be done. dragging it out doesn't do anyone any good and it just eats up valuable time you could be devoting on something else. if she keeps calling, ignore it. if she texts, just respond briefly but definitively that you are now in different places in your lives. wish her well and leave it at that.
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Post by scrapperal on Nov 22, 2016 19:11:56 GMT
I feel for you. A friend and I drifted apart after a close friendship. She thought everything was fine, but I was always stressed to be around her and it just got worse over the years. She didn't get any of my hints and I finally sent her an email along the lines of, "she had been a good friend, but I feel we've drifted apart over the years and I wished her well in the future." It was difficult and I felt guilty, but ultimately, I think it was for the best.
All that to say, at some point, you may need to spell it out for her that you can't be friends if she doesn't get the hint.
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PaperAngel
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,301
Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
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Post by PaperAngel on Nov 22, 2016 21:35:14 GMT
Lather, rinse, repeat to every message she sends, only elaborating or getting more involved as you wish. This is what I'm afraid of. If I text her she might call again and again or text again and again. She can escalate things and I really, really don't want to deal with that. I'd like it to be like ripping a band-aid off but she may not let it go that way. I understand your concern, but not responding may prompt her to contact your family members again. In my experience (& I'm hoping yours will be the same), needy people quickly abandon those who offer only brief pleasantries; they're more interested in "friends" who are available at their disposal. Best wishes... |
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peagia13
Full Member
Posts: 166
Sept 2, 2016 19:52:32 GMT
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Post by peagia13 on Nov 22, 2016 22:34:40 GMT
She failed you.
You failed her.
Maybe she's looking for some closure.
If you have moved on, don't respond.
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Post by mcscrapper on Nov 23, 2016 8:07:20 GMT
We must have the same friend. I totally get what you are saying and can relate to how you are feeling.
I had to make a tough decision with my friend to just stay friendly with her but won't get too close again.
She was seeing a married man for years. Left her husband over it him even. I feel like that would have ended anyway but the affair certainly didn't help. I listened to her moan and groan and cry over that man and she kept making excuse after excuse to stay together with him. I said from Day 1 that he would never leave his wife. You all know this story.
In all of those 3-4 years, I never really spoke about my dating life - not that there was much but I still dated a few men here and there. We never really talked about MY life or anything. It was always about her and she was constantly on her cell phone every time we would go out. We used to go to this sports bar / restaurant every Saturday to watch football games. This dude had the nerve to hire a PI to follow her and took pics of us at this place. It had a bar area where we would always sit but this was a family place for the most part. Anyway, we would often run into guys I worked with and we'd sit together, etc. One day she showed me all of these pics of us at this bar and I was furious that he had the nerve to do this and invade MY private life. It was very creepy to me. I told her she was on the path to an abusive relationship if he was hiring a PI to watch her when he was one having the affair.
Anyway, I found love after being divorced for over 9 years and being pretty alone for most of those 9 years - nursing school and new career, etc. I met a guy through our jobs and feel pretty hard, pretty fast. I didn't call her back one Sunday afternoon until the next night after work. I told her that John and I had been spending a weekend together cooking, hiking, etc. Her response? "I figured you were up John's butt all weekend and didn't have time for me."
Well excuse me for having a healthy relationship and being in love. I didn't talk to her much after that and when we would get together and include our kids, even my dd would say that she was on her phone the whole time and I talked more to her own kids than she did. It was truly tragic and really hurt my feelings because we had met over 25 years ago working in the restaurant business - the same chain we used to always go to so it was really sad in a lot of ways.
It took a long time for me to see that I was just being drug into all of her drama because misery does love company and I was the shoulder to cry on. It was very exhausting looking back on that time of our lives.
I didn't speak to her for over a year and I've just recently started texting with her. She finally broke it off with the married dude and is now in love with another man and they are planning to get married soon. I'm happy for her but I learned that I really needed to take a serious step back for my own sanity and health. I was better for it and found some different friends to hang out with and I am much happier now. I did finally talk to her about how she hurt me and she did apologize for everything she did and said. We've met a few time after work for a bite to eat but things are different between us, no doubt. It is almost like breaking up with a boyfriend but meeting for a cup of coffee.
I didn't mean to hijack your thread but I can definitely commiserate with you about your situation. I do think it may be time to let it go and cut back your interaction with her. You may want to discuss your feelings with her but on your terms. I think it might help you both to see where the breakdown happened and how she was emotionally draining to you. It might give you both some closure or maybe even some new building blocks to start over if she has changed her needy ways.
m
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2016 9:06:35 GMT
She blasted you without even asking you why. Have you even told her why ever? Before she blasted me she didn't know about my marriage. I told her then. We were separated at that point and had been for months, it was all I could do to breathe. Ultimately I don't want to be the friend that she leans on. I can't really do that anymore, a)I don't want to and b)it's still too much even though DH and I are back together. I know that she'll call and I won't answer and that I'll just hurt her again. She has a lot of needs (NOT related to her DS) and they usually have to be addressed "right now". It's better to just stay stepped back, right? She feels like she did something wrong and she didn't and I hate to have her think that. I did tell her that I can't be there for her and I'd just end up hurting and disappointing her when we talked before. ugh But she DID do something wrong. She was leaning on you way too hard and not paying attention to your needs from the relationship. I probably would respond that life is very busy right now and wish her well (but NO promises or implications of talking soon) If you did tell her you can't be there for her, that you will disappoint/hurt her because you can't be the go to person she wants/needs there is nothing more to be said other than to re-iterate that you don't have the time/ability to put into the friendship that she is seeking. |
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Post by phoenixcov on Nov 23, 2016 12:34:53 GMT
I think she wants you back as a friend only on her terms.
My advice, (been there done similar) don`t answer texts and ask your Mum and DH not to either.
You have no need to feel guilty for not wanting to start this relationship up again and any attention you give her will only encourage more contact,
Good luck.
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Post by craftsbycarolyn on Nov 23, 2016 16:06:45 GMT
I would probably do as others have said and text her, "All is well. Happy Holidays to you too."
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Post by originalvanillabean on Nov 23, 2016 16:22:38 GMT
From experience, just don't respond.
Now or ever.
You may feel like a meanie but like you said, you don't want to re-engage with her.
I would also let my family members know to not engage, should she contact them in the future.
I'm sorry - it's a tough spot to be in. I've been there.
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Post by Susie_Homemaker on Nov 25, 2016 18:36:45 GMT
Thank you all for your advice and sharing your experiences. I ended up not responding to her. I hadn't completely made up my mind on a course of action and by default it just turned into not doing anything. I worked mon and tues and had a ton of stuff to do to get ready for Thanksgiving. We did one with my family on Wed and DHs family on Thurs which was out of town.
I don't regret not responding. If she calls or texts anymore I might just reply with something polite and wish her well. We'll see how I feel when/if that happens.
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Refupea #39
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